Being Amber Rhea

Hehehehehe… ;-)
(Click on it and read, fools!)

Tomorrow night I’ll be taking a plane to Georgia and coming back Monday afternoon. I’m already prepared for the fact that I probably won’t want to come back. But I’m going to enjoy myself this weekend and just concentrate on having a good time. Well, sorry this is so short, but I need to get my ass to bed, it’s past my betime.

Argh, I don’t know what to think. People are telling me all different things and I don’t know what to believe, what to do, whether I should trust myself… I mean, yeah they always say trust yourself, but that’s really hard when you’re getting all different kinds of advice and people making observations about you and all that… it can get exhausting and overwhelming. People love to tell other people what to do, regardless of whether they’ve ever been in a remotely similar situation.

Am I acting a little bitter? Yeah, I am. Mostly because I feel hurt. I saw the therapist today (I hesitate to call her “my therapist” because this was only the second time I’d seen her, and I don’t know how I feel about the arrangement) and I was getting really annoyed with her. She kept saying all this shit that I felt was totally inaccurate, and then she’d act defensive and passive-agressive when I argued with her on it… I mean, ok, yeah she has a degree in psychology and whatnot, but she hardly knows me, and I *do* know me. I don’t know… I think I might have to find another therapist. Instead of making me feel better the session just kind of pissed me off. I felt like she wasn’t giving me enough credit. Almost like she was putting me down and downplaying my accomplishments. (And by accomplishments I don’t mean things like getting a Master’s degree.) I tried calling Reagan afterward but couldn’t get ahold of her. I wish Jenny and Niki were closer too. I need some *actual* support, not fake support from this woman who does not make me feel good. Anyway, enough rambling about that, I could go on all night… I better clean the bird cage instead.

Hmm, well this is the fourth time I’ve started a new entry… every other time, I have tried to be coherent and articulate but it just hasn’t happened, so I erased everything because I didn’t want it to sound the wrong way. So I think I should just speak (type) in simple sentences. Today was not a good day. Work was very stressful. My head became filled once again with thoughts of, “Why did I take this job” and “Why didn’t I work for TRX?” and “Why aren’t I back in Georgia?” and “I don’t like it here” and so on. Basically I just felt miserable for most of the day. There’s some weird problem going on with the network and I can’t figure it out. So that stumped me and of course people were reminding me about it all day… even though I spent practically all day researching and troubleshooting and trying to figure the damn thing out. Hello, I can’t work miracles, there’s only one of me and I can’t make things happen with the snap of a finger! On top of that, other people were bugging me about can I do such-and-such and when am I going to get to this-and-that… well I’m going to stop ranting about the details of work today because that’s really not the point. I just don’t feel good right now. I slept for a long time when I got home from work — and I’m still tired. Maybe I need some mutli-vitamins. But I wonder if it might be psychosomatic (that’s a ridiculous word, it gives me mental pictures of a pissed-off stomach). The other thing is that time seems to go faster here — but not in a good way. As in, I never *have* any time. My schedule was often much more hectic than this when I was in Georgia (example: ALL OF GRAD SCHOOL) but the time did *exist* — and here it just seems to fall away. I can’t explain it. This is the kind of thing I was trying to be articulate about earlier and failed. Well, I should stop now anyway and go get my laundry out of the dryer. I was thinking of going to Barnes and Noble but I think I should probably just go to bed.

I hate that I had to throw away all my old MacAddicts at the last minute before we moved. I had built up a real reference library there. [sigh]…

I am really annoyed with this router and DSL modem… actually, I have a strong suspicion that whatever the problem is has to do with the modem, not the router….

I bought some bright amber-colored throw pillows at Pier 1. I’m trying to decide whether they’re too ostentatious (and whether they even match my couch).

I watched Office Space tonight. I also did laundry, and completed as much decorating as I possibly can without the rest of the furniture I need. Today has gone by too fast though. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I’m supposedly going to Reagan’s to build bookcases (I hope we can actually do it this time!) and learn how to change my own oil (uh, my car’s oil, that is). Then it’s back to work… somebody’s got a case of the Mondays…

I want to get started with the preliminary design for the school web site, but I’ve been making such a conscious effort not to take any work home with me; my mantra has been, “Work stays at work”. Which I think is important. But I have a feeling that I won’t be able to get a lot of that kind of thing done while I’m actually *at* work. I mean, for one thing there’s the massive inventory to be done; not to mention the barrage of daily requests from people whose internet connection is “broken”, etc… it’s a real balancing act. So maybe it would be a good excuse for me to leave a little early once a week or so and come work at home on the web site design. We’ll see… it’s past my bedtime now…

I know some people think it’s lame to have just a blog and nothing else, but I really don’t keep the rest of my web site updated. Of course, some of it doesn’t need to be, as it is purely informational — the networking tutorial, for example. I really want to re-do the pictures section with php whenever I get a chance, though. And I wonder if I should leave the bulldogs up since I never got a chance to get pictures of all 37 of them. Babble…

I’ve been trying to set up my wireless router and it’s not working. I can get on the wireless network just fine, it’s getting *out* that’s a problem. As far as I can tell, it’s a DNS issue. But I’ve set all the settings that I can set in the cryptic Linksys setup page, and everything looks right… bleh. Stupid PPPoE. I wish I could just have cable, but whatever. All a Google search told me was that yes, this router is supposed to work fine doing PPPoE with SBC/Yahoo DSL. But no config information or anything. It all works fine when I connect the DSL modem directly to my computer, of course — but then it’s not wireless! True, the apartment is pretty small, and I don’t really know where I’d take my iBook other than the couch and maybe the bed, but still, it’s the principle of the thing. :P I hope I don’t have to sell this router and get another one. What a pain. I have been hearing negative things about Linksys, though.

I have a craving to go to the Olive Garden but I can’t just go there by myself. This sucks.

I’m worried about Franny and Zooey. This afternoon I saw a little bit of blood (I’m pretty sure that’s what it is, I don’t know what else it could be) on top of their nestbox where they sleep. I looked at both of them and didn’t see any blood on either of them, nor anywhere else in the cage. I’m hoping it was just a one-time thing, like one accidentally scratched the other or something. I got the crazy thought that maybe they ingested some of the cotton and it made them sick? I don’t know. They both seem fine — fluttering about and cheeping as usual — but I’m still worried. They’re my little babies after all!

Stop the presses — it’s raining here, sweet Jesus it’s actually RAINING!!