Being Amber Rhea

[Yes! It's another installment of my ongoing review of Every Young Man's Battle.]

Chapter 6 opens with Fred describing the day his 4th child was born. What’s funny, though, is that the whole thing centers around Fred’s anxiety over the gender of the baby — he had become “convinced through prayer” that the baby would be a boy and was now worrying that he shouldn’t have told everyone, because he might be wrong. As his wife was in labor, all he could think was, “What if I’m wrong? What if it’s a girl?” (God forbid!)

Ah, good ol’ Fred! We missed ya!

Anyway. This anecdote serves as his questionable segue into the overall theme of the chapter: “[B]eing a boy means having certain qualities that come ‘hard-wired’ with the package.”

We Do Have These Tendencies, Guys…

(When I saw the heading of this section, I thought, “Oh boy! I can’t wait to see what these ‘tendencies’ are!”)

Fred asks why there is a “prevalance of sexual sin” among men. The answer? “We got there naturally — simply by being male.” Oh, boys will be boys! (And girls are never “sexually impure.”)

Now he proceeds to enumerate these inate male tendencies. Here we go…

Male Tendency #1: We’re Rebellious by Nature. And apparently being rebellious is the explanation behind men commiting 90% of the major violent crimes (according to a study done in 1973; I guess they couldn’t get any newer data). In addition to turning men into violent criminals, this inborn rebelliousness makes men likely to “stop short” (remember the name of chapter 5?) of God’s expectations.

Male Tendency #2: We Have a Strong, Regular Sex Drive. [Well, some do, anyway... but I digress!.] Hey, Fred gets scientific! Because of “sperm production and other factors” (what are the other factors?), the human male naturally desires a sexual release about every 72 hours. Interesting. What does this mean? It means you can’t trust your body to aid you in your battle for purity. Damn that body of yours!

And now, the most deadly tendency of all… (drumroll)

Male Tendency #3: We Receive Sexual Gratification Through Our Eyes. I’m tempted to just quote this enire section verbatim, it’s so good. Your eyes are evil vessels for sexual sin! But, I won’t quote the whole thing. Instead I’ll just do this bit:

Women seldom understand this because they aren’t sexually stimulated in the same way. Their ignitions are tied to touch and relationship. They view this visual aspect of our sexuality as shallow and dirty, even detestable. … Because women can’t relate, they have little mercy on us and seldom dress modestly.

Wow, nicely done! I gotta give it to ya. Going from reinforcing ignorant gender role stereotypes to blaming women for men’s sexual transgressions, all in one paragraph! That takes talent.

Don’t you love how he talks in sweeping generalizations about men and women? I know I do. Of course, it was probably never considered a problem that the only women they spoke to for this book are their wives and other churchy types. I’m sure Brenda (Fred’s better half) is just a firecracker in the bedroom. Not to mention outside of it… put some clothes on, Brenda! Have some mercy on all those poor, unmarried men out there! Oh wait, Fred is probably there to make sure she dresses “modestly.” My bad.

We’re Talking Visual Foreplay

The authors now go on to equate seeing something/someone that makes you horny with foreplay. Hence: “That’s right. Just like stroking an inner thigh or rubbing a breast.” (They are such teases! [Rubbing a breast?])

That’s right, folks. We learned earlier that masturbation == intercourse; now we learn that looking at a hot girl == foreplay. As they put it, “[S]ex is far more than being inside a woman.” (Why does that sentence make me feel so icky?) Well, at least they’re not like those people who say that if it’s not intercourse then it’s not sex. Technical virgins, you know. Catholic schoolgirls who take it up the butt.

They then detail everything else that is considered foreplay and is not allowed. As you can imagine, the list is pretty long. But don’t be distraught! Young couples can physically relate in ways that aren’t foreplay. For example, holding hands, walking arm-in-arm, or even engaging in a short kiss. (Just make sure you’re thinking about baseball the whole time!) But, they warn, “heavy kissing around the neck and chests leads naturally to taking off some clothes, which leads to mutual masturbation, which leads to intercourse.” Huh. Interesting. I did not know that.

So many more pages left to go… so much choice verbage. I’ll try to keep it short, but really people, you need to read this book for yourselves. This chapter in particular is gold. Moving on…

The Eyes Grip the Throat

First sentence of this section: “Our eyes, then, explain why no one escapes.” Uhh… wait. I thought the whole point of this book was to tell you how to escape. Are they saying it’s a lost cause? I’m confused.

Oh, never mind. They are going to tell us how to escape. It involves “training your eyes and mind to be pure, or they’ll keep doing what comes naturally.” And God forbid you do anything that comes naturally!

The Guys Know All About It

Fred describes a men’s group he visited in Missouri, to talk about this book. He gave a list of 10 questions to the men in the group, and they were supposed to check off which ones they’re guilty of. The best, by far, is #10:

Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy VH1 channel for gratification?

I only wish I was making this stuff up.

We also hear an absolutely pitiful story from an 18-year-old guy, describing the guilt that racks him after he masturbates — which he does pretty much every day, because he is, well, an 18-year-old guy. He ends his wretched story with the question, “What’s wrong with me?” Here’s my answer, kid: you’re unnecessarily heaping guilt and shame on yourself for doing something completely natural. Oh, but I forgot, we don’t want to do things that are natural. Again, my bad.

The authors end the chapter with a bit of a pep talk. You can do this, guys! You can repress all your natural desires, just keep trying! But here’s the part — and this is something that they bring up again and again throughout the book, like the light at the end of the tunnel — that confuses me:

[W]e’ll eventually want to look at our future wives and desire them sexually. They’ll be beautiful to us, and we’ll be sexually gratified when we gaze at them, often daydreaming about the night ahead and what bedtime will bring.

This is what I don’t get. If you spend your whole life expending untold amounts of energy to repress every sexual thought and feeling, how the hell are you supposed to just suddently switch it back on once you’re married? The preacher pronounces you husband and wife, and all of a sudden, just like that, it’s okay to be sexually attracted to this woman. In fact, it’s your duty! So, flip that switch back on! Open the floodgates! We know you’ve spent years finding creative ways to repress all things sexual, but now, stop! God commands you!

Hmm… getting a little deja vu. Why do I get the distinct feeling I wrote something very similar to that in an earlier review?

And thus ends chapter 6… you happy, Rusty? ;)