There’s nothing worse than a blog by a suburban newlywed who harbors delusions that you actually want to read paragraph after paragraph about her new flower garden, or how she and her husband are making an effort to eat dinner together without the TV on (though sometimes hubby still wants to watch the game), or how she spends her day while hubby is at work, and so on. These blogs have entries with titles like “I Have the Best Hubby in the World!!!” - which usually detail how he graciously apologized after an argument, which she of course realized was her fault for being too controlling or over-analytical or hyper-sensitive. I found one yesterday that was particularly bad, but if I link to it that could be bad news. It is rife with exclamation points and co-dependence, I assure you. Some favorite quotes…
In reference to hubby’s sometime inability to, er, complete the transaction:
“Poor guy. I feel bad for him. I know I am a lot to blame for that.”Awesome example of rationalization at its best:
“I have my husband, I have a family who cares for me… why do I need a ‘best’ or ‘intimate’ friend to share things with? She’ll probably end up telling someone my secrets or will move away or we’ll simply drift apart.”Ain’t she a lucky gal! Her husband is a fully-functioning human being who knows how to use a mop!
“He is getting a taste of what being a house-husband is like, hehe. He has done surprisingly well, cleaning up and doing chores.”Best all around:
“Damn you, stupid traumatic virginal sex honeymoon experience!”
Now, don’t get me wrong, people; I’m not against marriage. I mean, come on, I was married once myself, and with any luck I will be married again in the dim, distant future. So I’m not anti-marriage so much as I’m anti- boring married people. (Admittedly, most of the people who write these kinds of blogs were probably pretty damn boring before they got married; they just never saw fit to write about the agonizing minutiae of their day-to-day lives beforehand.)
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30 Responses to "Your State-Sanctioned Monogamous Relationship is Boring"
I’m anti- boring married people.
V. Bridget Jones, though she characterized them as “smug married couples.”
I absolutely hate the word hubby.
It sounds to me like this woman is ripe for a torrid love affair with the lawn boy. And you know they have a lawn boy because no way does her husband *ahem* mow the lawn.
I hope I’m not boring married people.
What am I saying? I say “fuck” way too much to be boring married people.
Geez, the blog you quote contains detailed, frank discussion of the following:
Oral sex
Lingerie
Sex toys
“I LOVE DRUGS!!!”
“Having sex while on the rag”
Orgasms
Different positions
No wonder you didn’t want to link to it– It’s actually not boring!!!
Er, I mean, shame on them. Fucking monogamous freaks.
I do hate the word “hubby”, though.
Ah but you see, you have fallen into the trap! It looks like it’s not going to be boring on first glance… but then you actually start reading it and you realize you just want to gauge your eyes out.
The “I LOVE DRUGS!!!” headline was my favorite, though. Well, ok, it was a tie between that and “We had sex - I had no orgasm.” But it’s like comparing apples and oranges. (Or is it?)
I don’t like them, so I don’t read them.
Don’t be a smart ass, Rusty. Why would you want to go and ruin a classic humorous, sarcastic post? Why oh why oh why?
I can see how you would find other people’s blogs boring, what with your rousing tales of coding, being too tired to make it to functions and tracker reports.
~ nick
I know, right? It’s just crazy shit over here… party party all the time!! I gots ta keep my people happy you know… living vicariously and all that…
I hate blogs. That’s why I write in four of them.
I’m glad I’m a “husband” and not a “hubby.” God, I would so puke up last week’s meatloaf if Amy called me “hubby.” (Calling her “wifey” is different.)
It’s only different because you wear a halo of irony around your head at all times.
“And I need to remind myself, too, that someone’s perception of you often has a lot to do with their perception of themselves.”
You guys are really being a bunch of killjoys, you know? I know at least Niki appreciates some good sarcasm… can’t believe the rest of you are letting me down.
Er, I meant Niki, Jen, and Nikki. And I know Dipika does too even though she has not commented. :)
So, this is a serious question. If your mockery was intended to be sarcastic, does that mean you actually don’t find this woman and her ilk boring? I don’t get it.
Sorry if this post didn’t have the intended effect (at least on me). I’m all for mocking people; don’t get me wrong… But either you meant what you said or you didn’t.
Saying that you want to gouge your eyes out doesn’t sound sarcastic at all. It would be sarcastic if you said it on the beach, or in a 5-star hotel, a situation where you actually wouldn’t want to gouge your eyes out, but it sounds like “mundane” suburbanites really do make you want to slit your wrists or something.
How is that sarcastic? It sounds like you just don’t like this woman, or her writing… which is fine; I just don’t see the sarcasm.
Oh come on. It’s not funny if I have to explain it. And apparently it ceased being funny long ago because people wanted to take it to a level of seriousness. And maybe sarcastic isn’t the word, but sardonic. Whatever. Gah. Last time I try to be funny on my blog…
Now, that’s funny. Wakka wakka wakka!
Man this one is so easy I’m not even gonna bother.
I can’t say I’ve ever hated a word. So many of you to hate instead.
Little Green Apples on a Pogo Stick, does someone out there have a link to Amber’s blog that says, “Go Harass This Girl” or what?
I live in suburbia. I would fucking kill myself if I had the lives of most of the people I observe every day, and those are lives a lot like this blog we’ve seen, drugs, sex, orgasms, et cetera notwithstanding. I’ve even known perfectly interesting people who completely ceased to be interesting after spawing simply because their lives are completely taken over by dirty diapers and the hierarchy of daycare. It’s not a fucking sin to observe some of these poor people and say, “Not me!”
It’s considered harassment to laugh at what people write on their blogs?
When, of course, they say they are trying to be funny?
I’m pretty damn hard to irritate, but if this were my blog, and you were being this irritating there, I’d've already I told you that I pay the hosting fees and this is my playground, dammnit.
Of course, that’s just me.
Right on. I would say something if I weren’t feeling so bullied. I cower in the face of confrontation. But seriously… you people cultivate a sense of humor that matches mine or just don’t comment.
Look. You’ve said time and again not to take any of this seriously. I’m not. And that is what makes me laugh. I think this is funny, because it’s not serious.
Okay, well, let’s just all agree to agree that apparently some people feel they are projecting “Dude, so not serious” and others are receiving, “I HATE YOU AND YOUR FREEDOM!!!1!!!!11!1″ and then maybe we can all work on our projection and reception.
Yay. Solution. Now, let’s all go home happy.
OMGWTFROFLMAO!!!11!1!!
Heh. Sure, but the question goes whose doing the projecting and whose doing the receiving!
Clearly I am projecting right? I’m the one with the problems.
All right, kids. You’re all pretty.