That’s right folks, it’s finally here - the dramatic conclusion to my ongoing review-cum-mockery of Every Young Man’s Battle! (And I know, it’s long. Sorry ’bout that.) In case you need to catch up, here are links to the previous reviews:
I decided to skip ahead to Chapter 21 because the bulk of the book is the same thing over and over again. Here are the main take-aways:
- Thinking about sex is bad. Unless you are married. Then it’s okay, as long as you’re thinking about sex with your wife.
- Needless to say, then, having sex is bad unless it’s with your wife.
- Masturbation will cause you to PLUMMET INTO THE PIT OF HELL, and/or will cause your girlfriend to have an abortion.
- Women are passive, demure creatures who hate sex and find men’s sexual desires disgusting, but put up with it because they think it will make men love them. (More about this in Every Young Woman’s Battle.)
- With enough determination, you too can repress all your natural desires, and feel the
miseryjoy of being filled withself-loathingGod’s love!
Now without further ado:
Chapter 21: What Do Girls Think?
This chapter begins by offering a disclaimer/preface stating that “many young women are growing up today without a male presence in the home.” Also, many young women are sexually abused, often by family members. While these are true statements, I’m not sure what they’re doing here… oh wait:
Our culture has left many young women so hurting, lonely, and insecure that they’re willing to trade their bodies just for a chance to hold someone close and look deeply into another person’s eyes.
There’s definitely some truth to that claim (though I could do without the flowery, world’s-tiniest-violin language), but the authors, being the fans of sweeping generalizations that they are, have effectively said that any time a young woman has sex, it is because she is emotionally fucked-up and has probably been coerced. Nice.
So! All that out of the way… our authors have interviewed three teenage girls, who apparently constitute a large enough sample to serve as the representation for the entire female population. Their names are Amber (guffaw!), Brynna, and Cassie, and they come from the church-going population in which our esteemed authors immerse themselves.
Brynna says:
Girls desire to be loved and cherished for the person they are. We like to be told we’re beautiful with no hidden agendas.
I think the structure of that second sentence is off, but anyway… Shall we play a drinking game along with this chapter? Do a shot for each platitude? You’ll be drunk in no time!
Cassie speaks next:
I remember the time when a guy I really liked tried some things that made me uncomfortable. I asked him to stop, but he persisted. Finally, he just wore me down and I eventually gave in. He had weakened my defenses.
Okay, this is the kind of shit that seriously upsets me. Cassie, I’ve got news for you, hon: that wasn’t “weaking your defenses,” that was rape. And what is most disturbing is that the chapter just continues along, with some stale verbiage about how it’s not manly to push your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries. They had an opportunity to take a real stand here, and say, “Hey, fuckface, when you ‘push your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries,’ you’re committing rape, and you should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. You’re a goddamn rapist, you cowardly little shit.” But they didn’t.
[Sigh]… Moving on. Fred offers this nugget of wisdom:
Sex isn’t so much a physical act as it’s an emotional act for women - much different from the male perspective.
And then along comes Amber, who apparently flies in the face of the rules they’ve set up, that slut.
Amber said she knew she’d done some things that were wrong sexually, things that should be reserved for marriage. “But I didn’t lower my standards just because the guy was pushing for it,” she said. “I wanted to be touched just as much as he wanted to touch me. It has happened often, and each time in the middle of it I would be thinking, This isn’t right, but it isn’t that wrong. … Plus, it just felt so good that it was hard to stop.
Okay, so maybe she’s not the brazen hussy that I painted her to be - she’s still speaking in passive language (he touches her, she wants to be touched [as opposed to touching him], etc.), for example. But at least there seems to be some hope for her. -Oh wait, maybe not:
But don’t get the idea that young women think like you do about sex. They don’t. They aren’t visually oriented like you. Amber said, “It’s honestly inconceivable to me that just by looking at something sensual a guy can get so turned on that he has to masturbate! I can’t comprehend that at all.”
Now, before anyone jumps all over my shit: I know that it’s an empirical fact that males respond more to visual stimulation than females. But come on now, it’s “inconceivable” to her? Try stepping outside of your own head once in a while, dear. You’ll be amazed at what you can learn.
Let’s Remember a Crucial Difference
Fred & Steve now spell out the most fundamental difference between men and women, Powerpoint style:
The biggest difference is that sex is not a girl’s top priority in the relationship, and you need to understand this very clearly. Maybe it can most simply be said this way:
- Guys give emotions so they can get sex.
- Girls give sex so they can get emotions.
Woohoo! Let’s reinforce those gender stereotypes just a little more! I don’t think you have a big enough concussion from being beaten over the head with them yet! That’s right, kids… guys are emotionally devoid slaves of an all-encompassing sex drive, and girls collapse under the weight of their massive emotional inventory while their vaginas dry up from neglect.
Amber, Brynna, and Cassie (ABC?) go on to catalog more qualities of their ideal suitor. These include:
- Tells her why he loves her
- Trusts her with his thoughts and feelings
- Not afraid to tell her the truth, even if it hurts
- Honors her family
- Keeps his promises / is a man of his word
- Looks out for her protection and best interests
- Remembers what she tells him (!! - Gah. Low standards, anyone?)
- Holds hands in public
- Gives her an unexpected gift / sends a card for no reason / sends flowers / opens doors / pays for their dates (yeah, girls are such money-grubbing bitches)
- Grants her independence with her friends (!!)
- Praises her in front of others
From this laundry list of requirements for The Perfect Man, Fred comes to the following conclusion:
These young ladies aren’t looking for a little action. They are looking for a little relationship along with some spiritual and physical leadership from you.
And we get to hear another agonizing story from Cassie, this time talking about her boyfriend, Kevin:
We’ve decided together on boundaries, but he often pushes hard at them. When I resist, he pouts or asks why I don’t desire him physically. I hate making him feel bad and having the blame pushed back on me, so sometimes I’ve given in. Kevin’s happy and loving after that, but I get very resentful. Once we even broke up for a number of months.
Sweet suffering Christ on the cross. Looks like Kevin the Rapist has the victim act and attendant manipulation down to a science. But I didn’t see anything about “Love not conditional upon him getting what he wants” or “Not a rapist” in the above list, so I guess he’s cool.
Let’s Be Authentic
Here’s a rule of thumb that our authors set forth: when you enter into a relationship with a girl, “you must leave her better than when you met her.” (Wait, what’s this about “leaving” her? Isn’t marriage the ultimate goal here?) -Actually, here’s an even better rule of thumb, on the next page: “There’s no quicker way to bring shame on the name of Christ than to slip your hand under her bra.”
And now, nearing the end of the chapter, we get into some defintions and even some biology. The question is posed: what is foreplay?
Foreplay is anything that has as its natural result either sexual intercourse or the false intercourse of masturbation. For instance, oral sex, mutural masturbation, heavy petting, and kissing around the neck are foul territory.
Interesting placement of the word “natural” there. Anyway… this is news to me. If intercourse is the “natural result” here, how is it that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18, yet my boyfriend and I were fooling around with our hands down each other’s pants when I was 14? (And can someone please explain to me the difference between “heavy petting” and “mutual masturbation”? Why can’t we use terminology that actually has discernable meaning?)
Now the biology part:
We might loosely paint this picture another way - anything you do with her that causes an erection is out of bounds. An erection is your body’s way of preparing for sexual intercourse.
I’m not even going to say anything about that, as I’m sure all my male readers are stabbing themselves in the eyes at this point.
Might as well bring this to a close, as it’s already way too long - but editing is just so damn difficult! There are two other chapters before the end of the book - one is a big pep rally for virginity; the other is called, “When Your Feelings Are For Other Guys.” At first I thought that one would be a hoot to review, but it’s just the same old stuff - maybe your father was distant, or your mother was overbearing, or you were abused… etc. etc. ad nauseum.
At some point I will move on to writing reviews of the equally stellar Every Young Woman’s Battle. For now I will leave you with this parting thought:
One of our pastors told me, “I’m starting to think that our girls are just as horny as the guys.”
Well, who’da thunk it! They can also do math and play sports. Up next: dogs and cats, living together!
READ ME: Disclaimer
19 Responses to "Chapter 21: What Do Girls Think?"
Random 9 a.m.-with-no-coffee impressions:
I know many women/girls who understand this (what? rule? stereotype? paradigm!) is complete bullshit, but are perfectly happy to exploit it for every dime it’s worth. The enlightened egalitarian types need to go beat the shit out of them for reinforcing this drivel.
My thoughts regarding guys paying for dates:
Basically there’s not one answer that can apply to all situations.
I don’t think the guy paying should be something that’s assumed or expected - especially if they haven’t been dating for very long.
However, if a guy asks a girl out to dinner, the polite thing is for him to pay. Likewise if a girl asks a guy out, it’s courteous for her to pay. It’s about who asked whom out. And in my view, in this type of situation it doesn’t have to do with gender or even whether it’s a “dating” situation - I’ve had female friends “take me out to dinner” and I have done the same. I don’t think more needs to be read into it other than sometimes taking your friends out and paying for it is a nice thing to do.
That being said, when it comes to dating I think as a general rule (for me, anyway - other people have different ideas that work for them, and more power to them) egalitarian is the way to go.
Now, when you’re married (or if you’ve been together so long you might as well be married), I think it becomes different. When Chris and I were married, we got a joint checking account simply out of ease and convenience. It was getting stupid and unnecessarily time-consuming, writing two separate checks every month for rent, utilities, etc. Not to mention the general pain-in-the-assitude of figuring out how to split the bill at a restaurant. So when we went out to eat we just paid with our check card from the joint account. It was all coming from “our” money. We each still had separate checking accounts for personal stuff, but doing everything separately was unnecessary.
And that’s what I think of that!
Ahh…I have a confession.
For the longest time, I operated on the delusion that people like this didn’t really exist. They were some kind of Lilliputians or something. Like serial killers, but with less death. Sure, some people believe that shit, but most people are rational deep down, and that if put to the screws would own up to not actually believing that drivel. I realized awhile back that I was wrong. Some people really do believe that premarital sex is objectively wrong and that masturbation can cause physical problems (impotence, infertility, spontaneous abortion, etc.) It made me feel a bit shaky when I realized that most people don’t even have a passing interest in the truth. They don’t want to take the mental energy to consider it, or the time to discover it, and they really could give two shits about even just knowing it. I cannot tell you how much this skived me. I can understand the appeal of herd mentality and status quo, but people actually believing this shit? Thinking its the truth? Holy shit.
It makes me angry at some invisible, anonymous, world-at-large for deceiving them. Well, a little at them for being deceived. I know it may sound a bit histrionic, but it makes me feel a bit queasy and light-headed that there are people out there like that. And I’m in the goddamned Bible Belt, for crying out loud.
I guess I’m shocked, that’s all. I think I’ve been living in a rarified world with a bunch of skeptics.
——–
I’ve always been in relationships…never one much for dating. So, when my boyfriend and I go out, for example, whoever happens to have more bank picks up the tab. Money has never been a point of contention for me, so I really don’t think of it too much. But I agree, if its someone you don’t know very well, whoever initiated the date should pay. When I was married, we banked jointly, too, however, we didn’t have personal accounts of any kind. We both had our own plastic, but neither of us ever used them. I do believe if you’re married, or a similar facsimile of marriage, you should be financially married, too. I think perhaps I’m too severe. Oh, well.
Guy asks girl = Guy pays
Girl asks guy = Girl pays
Pretty simple, yes? Yes. Thank you all for coming. (hah!)
Re: “Financially Married” — I don’t know, maybe the situation exists, but I can’t imagine marrying someone in whom I did not have enough trust to have a joint checking account. Actually, I’m sure it exists, and I understand that some people attach a weird sense of “freedom” to a “my money is mine and yours is yours” situation, but doing everything that way is seriously too annoying to put up with.
I adore when a guy praises me in front of others. Because, you know, I just don’t feel validated without public male affirmation.
:D Niki, I love you.
“Define me! Validate me! I need love!”
Nikki: I agree with you about the trust issue - and, as I already mentioned, the convenience. If you’re willing to marry someone but not willing to make financial decisions together, then maybe you should stop and ask yourself a few questions, because that seems like a red flag. I’m not saying that there’s only one “right way” - every couple has to decide what works best for them. But if it’s not based on mutual trust then what’s the point?
It was probably pointless to bring up the male-pays-for-dates-no-matter-what stereotype here since it’s a preaching to the converted situation. I need to walk into a Wednesday night Bible study and talk about it. Those fuckers need my help.
Hi. People are broke. Thank you, good night.
Rusty, they don’t need your help, they need your dates. Take them out for sushi, some foxy-boxing, and cap the night off with nachos and Letterman.
ecce Tarkovsky!
[Sniff, sniff] I love you too, mtani.
This started out as a response, but I thought it deserved its own attention. Would you believe folks on “Meet the Press” can get by saying things like, “women’s social rights are not critical to the evolution of democracy.” No one on the show (or in my house) seemed to have any response, as though those words just floated in the air with no one noticing.
I hate stupid people. Stupidity is not critical to the evolution of democracy.
You might also enjoy this post.
Monty Python teaches us more about foreplay than this goddamn book (”goddamn book” being a late reference to J.D. Salinger’s style).
No, Adrian - J.D. Salinger’s style is “goddam book.” Get it right, now.
More replies tomorrow. I was… otherwise engaged tonight. But I have much to say; oh yes, I do.
Do you?
Joe: here another good (but, of course, infuriating, because of the subject matter) post on that whole goddamn issue today.
Try not to leave too large of a dent in the wall after you’ve beat your head against it. You don’t want to have to do more spackling than absolutely necessary.
Cassie seems more borderline Amber than it appears. Nowhere in her speech did she mention the word “No” which is a very clear indication of rape. It’s also not the old “she was asking for it” lame guy response either. I think deep down she didn’t mind giving in but ultimately it is her decision. She could have stood up to him and kicked him to the curb if she wanted, but that didn’t happen. I’m not in any way saying this is right, just that sometimes women aren’t as rigid as their perception. They can want sex and sometimes are looking for that “push” as an excuse to give in. Anyone can drop his or her judgment in a moment of weakness (men included though I don’t know of any man that would turn down sex).
I’ll admit that I’ve “pushed” in the past but I’ve also been “pushed” myself and did nothing about it. In the end, I accept full responsibility for my actions and have no one else to blame. The second I hear the word “No” I freeze in my tracks. I also discern body language and in 99.9% of the cases that will tell you to proceed or take a cold shower. What I find disturbing is sometimes body language says “Yes” and the mind says “No” as well as vice versa. The end result is you have to be able to recognize and accept all forms of “No”. Forced sex in any shape or form isn’t as fulfilling as if it were consensual. It’s a pity some people don’t realize this.
We’ll never know exactly what happened in that situation she described, so attempting to pick it apart seems to me useless as best, insulting at worst. I know you’re not justifying the guy’s behavior here, but let’s not forget that just because a women doesn’t outright say no doesn’t mean that she “wanted it” on some level, or that it wasn’t forced. If a 6′5″ 300 lb. man held a gun to my head and told me to drop my pants, I wouldn’t say much of anything. Would that mean it wasn’t rape? That’s an extreme example and any reasonable person can see that that’s clearly rape. But don’t think that would stop a defense attorney from arguing the point.
I’m not saying there aren’t times when some women resist on a certain level but also really want the sex on a certain level. However I think these are the exception rather than the rule, and I tend to err on the side of caution.
You’re right, you can look at anything with varying degrees of reality. Every situation is different, which throws things into the mix. In your example, the end result is forced. But in even the mildest cases, it is still forced sex. The biggest problem I see is that some people don’t really catch it for what it really is ahead of time. For most people if they know the partner really isn’t interested, they won’t pursue it. The biggest problem is lack of communication for whatever reason but at the end of the day that makes neither side “right”.
Mainly I wanted to point out the 3 girls. Brynna seems hard left, Cassie seems in the middle, and Amber seems hard right (no political mumbo-jumbo, strictly positions). From the surface it doesn’t look like these were random people from the street but mindsets personified by the authors. If there were 4 or more girls, each with varying degrees then it’d seem more realistic. This just seems like the authors are preaching their beliefs without really taking a look at the topic from different angles. I’m probably wrong on all accounts but it seems a little suspect.
Goddam, that really does sound a lot like you-know-whom.
Well, I *think* he was raised fundie, so, there you are. Except now it’s all about Teh Feminism.
You know, on Who’s Line Is It Anyway, there’s this improv game called “Old Job, New Job;” so it’ll be, like, the audience will pick, old job: auctioneer; new job, schoolteacher. Then you get to sit back and laugh as the improviser goes,
“Four plus four? Anyone? Do I hear four plus four–yes, young lady, I saw your hand go up. Eight! We have eight, do we have a nine, nineninenine–yes! The gentleman in the Ninja Mutant Turtles shirt has nine, do I hear nine-fifty, o gimme nine fittyfivefittiyfivefivefive…”