I really want to start a sex/relationship advice column and just answer every question with, “Why don’t you talk about it?” Or give some elaborate, multi-paragraph answer, and then at the end say, “Or, you could just fucking talk about it.” And so on. Variations on a theme.
Yesterday before trivia, Rusty and I went to Borders. We sat in the cafe, sipping caffeinated beverages and eating sugary treats. And I read Cosmopolitan. It was chock full of material.
I learned about 8 hot new places to have sex. I learned about 4 things I do that TURN HIM OFF. I learned how to have multiple orgasms (really, from a magazine!). I learned about his “M-zone.” I learned [some arbitrary number] things to do to celebrate my single life before “settling down” and having to “deal with someone else’s taste.” For example, I should embrace “feminine decor” - but not go so far as to paint my room pink, because that will repulse any guy I bring home.
The advice column was a real hoot. One of the only redeeming qualities of the magazine was that they put a little “Get Real” icon beside this question, which I will now describe to you. To paraphrase… Girl’s boyfriend gets massages sometimes. One day, he confesses to her that sometimes he lets the masseuse “finish him off.” Girl is appalled and feels this is tantamount to cheating. Guy insists it’s no big deal, it’s just an “enhanced massage,” and lots of guys do it. Girl wonders whether she is overreacting.
And then the answer was like 4 paragraphs long! Does that much really need to be said? My response would’ve started with, “Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously. What the fuck.”
The other questions were a bunch of “What does he mean by this,” “What should I do about that,” “What will he think of this,” etc. ad nauseum. The shorter version of the answers to all of them ended up being, “You should talk about it.”
So in conclusion, I guess my advice column would have two recurring themes… “Just fucking talk about it,” and “Are you fucking kidding me?”
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13 Responses to "Ask Amber"
good grief. she actually wasn’t sure whether or not to kick him to the curb? I mean, if you’re expecting monogamy, then the obvious answer is to kick him to the curb. My friend is a masseuse and she’d flip a lid since Comso probably didn’t try to explain that there are legit masesuse’s who don’t finish ‘im off.
Y’know, I just finished this really long, faux question that I was going to submit to you for laughs but then I realized it was just a moot point because, well, with the answer being “Just Talk About It,” the extra joke was just overkill.
To be honest, though, there are some good sex-advice columnists out there (Dan Savage), but the shit that they have in womens’ (and mens’ and laddies’) mags are just crap.
I want to hear more about this M zone. I can’t wait until we do the marriage announcement parody ads!
Surprisingly enough, there are ways to talk to another person that are more effective than others — thus, the marriage therapist business is in no danger of being destroyed by “Just talk about it.” Of course, no magazine is going to teach these strategies and rules to you, so your point about the magazines is spot-on (I secretly with I was English).
Well, obviously. And you know I would never downplay the importance of counseling… hell, let’s count how many years of it I’ve had and the myriad ways it’s helped me become less fucked up. But I was talking about popular magazine advice columns specifically; maybe I wasn’t clear enough.
Ruth hath a lithp.
‘Sometimes he lets’. That’s interesting.
No, you were quite clear — I just never pass up a chance to plug my future gainful employment and means of income.
Well, right. It absolves him of responsibility. He’s merely a passive recipient of the masseuse’s action. Alternatively, he’s indulging the masseuse’s wants.
I think actually, you could use both of your canned answers to answer the same question, like a double whammy. Like this:
You: just fucking talk about it.
Her: Okay, we discussed it. I told him that I was uncomfortable with this because it violates, in a fundamental way, our expressed and mutual desire for monogamy. He said that he is being monogamous because a.) doesn’t love her - he comes home to me and b.) it is his biological imperative to disseminate his child-producing swimmer thingies in as many women as possible (preferably in their throats but he’s not picky.) So, we talked about it, as you suggested, and we still don’t have an understanding with which I’m comfortable.
You: Are you fucking kidding me?
And then I would chime in with the classic: fuck that noise.
Dear Amber,
My Significant Other seems to have an unhealthy fixation with you and your blog, and I’m going to put all my cards town on the table here — I’m jealous. Jealous of the attention she affords you. Jealous as a duck swimming in battery acid watching ducks in the pond across the road swim in a freshwater pond with a charming, bubbling fountain.
Whenever I confront her about it, she responds with another excessive proclivity of hers: she demands to “just fucking talk about it” rather than “address the problem.” Coupled with an unhealthy scepticism (she is fond of exclaiming, “are you kidding me?!”), this makes for a ponderous emotional challenge. We ARE “just fucking talking about it!” But she just repeats her demand like a broken record.
Something tells me your response is probably going to be, “Just fucking talk ab–”
Aw, FUCK!! DAMN! Gotta go.
Peace!
valeko:
Oh fer fuck’s sake.
Melissa:
Word.
Those advice columns are the worst, but very entertaining as you and Melissa just demonstrated. I have one in the works. Stay tuned. Something tells me you may have some differing opinions.
Well, then why don’t we just get together on it… we could offer “two women’s opinions” or some shit. And then be like, “Choose either of these, or choose your own adventure and reject both of them.” Or something.