“It’s none of my business what other people think of me.”
Last week, my therapist said that statement and had me repeat it. I didn’t understand wtf he was talking about at first; then he explained it. I’ll paraphrase:
Regardless of what you do, approx. 1/3 of the people who know you are going to just absolutely hate your guts no matter what. Another 1/3 won’t give a shit one way or the other. And another 1/3 will like you (or love you) no matter what.
Well, I sure do hope it’s a full 1/3 that would like/love me no matter what. But damn, there I go making it my business what other people think about me again! Let me start over…
Basically, what he was saying was, there’s no point in trying to not piss people off, because you’ll never please all of the people all of the time - and you won’t please some of them any of the time. When all you do is try not to make people mad at you, you’re compromising yourself and giving up some of who you are. So instead of trying to tiptoe around everyone else’s sensibilities, be true to yourself, do what you know to be best for you, and as far as other people go? All you can do is hope that they’ll think well of you, but really that’s their business and has a whole lot more to do w/ them than you - and the “what if” factor is certainly not a reason to stop being who you really are.
So that has been my food for thought since Thursday.
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14 Responses to "Insert gratuitous Ludacris reference here"
Heh. It’s funny you should say this because Zach was just saying to me something very similar to this. And it’s very true.
I like it.
Hey!!! If you think for one minute that I am going to tolerate your not spending every waking minute making me happy than you have got another thought coming! I will be kowtowed to and you will do it! Any questions? ;)
Actually (old guy talking)…this is one of the hardest parts of growing up. We spend so much of our youth trying to please mom & dad, teachers, grandparents, friends, lovers … that we frequently get lost. It’s not until we get a little older that we are able to find and strike a balance between pleasing those we love and self. Some days we do one much better than the other, but seeking a balance is usually a pretty good place to be on most days.
In life, I’ve found that balance is the sweet spot of every endevor. Winning with grace, losing with humor, taking and giving love with thanks. But mostly…doing nearly everything with a little humor.
I think it has a good chance of being absolutely true, actually. It doesn’t seem so far-fetched to think that 1/3 of the people you know have a set positive opinion about Thing X, and a third have an opinion that you could change through persuasion, and another third have a set negative opinion of the same thing.
Thanks for the thoughts, Niki, ARBY, and Nikki.
And as for adam? He had a comment here… some cynical BS about “test the theory on this blog and see how silly it is.” Well, that tells me that he’s probably not familiar with therapy and doesn’t understand the point of it. So I decided that instead of “testing the theory,” I’d just delete his bullshit comment. Wait, maybe that’s a test itself… how many people are going to suddenly change their opinion of me bc I deleted some bullshit? My guess? Probably not many. And, even more importantly, I really couldn’t give two shits if they do.
Isn’t there some kind of compromise between being true to yourself and being a rude asshole, though?
I kinda don’t think there’s anything wrong with learning to act as though you’re not the center of the world.
And this isn’t saying anything specific about anyone. It’s saying that there are enough angry people getting riled about nothing and increasing the amount of disharmony in the universe.
Hmm, I think the next time I put up a post about doing something positive for myself, I’ll disable comments.
wow. so much for discussion.
i got the WRONG lowdown from my friend at WebMD.
this will…wait for the melodrama…be my last visit.
Take it easy, Amber. Why don’t you stop talking for a while? Maybe sit the next couple of plays out
I guess that wasn’t your last visit after all. Try a little harder next time. I capture IP addresses in the database.
I’m also unpacking my tiny violin so I can weep for the fact that I’ve lost such a valuable member of the Being Amber Rhea community. However shall we carry on?
Nikki hit on the issue. I don’t think it is healthy to go through the world not caring at all what people think. That person is certain to be a complete boor and a pain.
“Adam” can explain this in great detail.
On the other hand caring too much makes for a very codependent and likely unhappy person, flailing about. That is why I mentioned my mantra…balance… valuing others opinion, yet being true to self and accepting that some people just won’t get there with you. Say goodbye with a smile on your face. Be polite and show good manners (like mom and grandma said)…but say goodbye.
I think your therapist was dead on.
What it is, I think, is that there is a difference between *empathy* and “ooh, better not get them upset at me; I might die.” Without the former, you’re a sociopath. But I think that it is possible to be a healthy, compassionate, even socially skilled person and still work on getting past the latter impulse. Because the people-pleasing impulse–as in, “ooh better not get them mad at me” (there is such a thing as just doing something because the other person wishes it and because one desires to see the other person happy)–the people-pleasing impulse, that comes from an old place, the childhood, dependent place. That child place never really goes away entirely, I don’t think; maybe it shouldn’t do. But I do think it’s worth developing the adult voice, and that’s the one that says, “You know what? I’m sorry if this doesn’t please you, but here’s where you stop and I start. I can’t control your feelings; you don’t get to control my actions. Let the chips fall where they may: this is what I need to do.”
My shrink told me that I am who I am, unless I’m not.
that was right before I requested a refund.
you and I should really talk… having the same therapist will give us more to talk about. He had me repeat the same line, but gave up trying to explain it when I said I was a paranoid pessimist and didn’t believe that line. HA! I bet he laughs at me when I leave.
sorry for the double post, but god, some of those commenters (probably the same person over and over) are douchebags. That is why people have such problems people! Why can’t we all just be happy for Amber that she is doing something great for herself!!!