Being Amber Rhea

Working girl (Could I pick a more obvious title?)

In a post about Linda Hirshman’s new book (Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World), Jill at Feministe brings up a good point:

This sounds extreme, but of course it’s the lesson every man is taught when he’s a boy: Your responsibility to society-the way to become an adult-is to work.

Emphasis mine. It is funny how, if this book was directed at men, no one would bat an eye. Because men working is an assumption.

It’s interesting, because my experience growing up was that I always assumed I would work. I never thought anything of it. I would grow up, and I would get a job. And I could have any kind of job I wanted.

Once I was old enough to start noticing the differences in people’s families, their opinions, belief systems, etc., I noticed that apparently this wasn’t a universally-held assumption – at least not when it came to girls. That might’ve been my first head-on collision with sexism, as a kindergartener (or ’round about that time). I remember the incredulity I felt as a child when someone would tell me, “Girls can’t [X]!” Even thought I didn’t yet know words like “hypocrisy” and “double standard,” my outrage in the face of those experiences was real, and deep.

My parents did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they did right was to instill in me the importance of independence and self-sufficiency. My mom, in particular, stressed to me the importance of being able to support myself and not being financially dependent on a man. History – and the present – is filled with women who, with no job skills and no income of their own, are stuck in abusive or unfulfilling relationships. That wouldn’t be me.

Assumptions aren’t always right (we all know the old joke), but in this case I’m glad I started out with equal assumptions for men and women. It may have helped me in not taking the sexist bullshit lying down.

Ed. note: If anyone is flexing their typing fingers, ready to jump all over my shit for invalidating other women’s choices or some such BS – save it. I am stating my experience, nothing more and nothing less. You can uncork your piss and vinegar next time, when I decide I’m fucking tired of putting “disclaimers” on all the posts that might get somesone’s panties in a wad.

Strikingly familiar

This post at Smart Girls Who Do It reminded me so much of ’round about this time last summer, that it got me all verklempt. An excerpt:

I know that in whatever way, shape, or form we can make it happen, I want him in my life now.

To me, the post reads like someone who’s all aflutter over a new connection and trying to figure out what it means. Wondering what to call it, wondering if it needs a label at all, struggling with savoring the here-and-now with this person vs. thinking about the future – gasp! Is this person going to be a part of my future? What would that be like? Do I want that? Do I even need to bother thinking about that now? I don’t want to set up any expectations in my head… I just really enjoy being around this person, and the sex is phenomenal… and more and more, I can’t see wanting that to end.

- Or at least, that’s where I was a year ago.

Short answer and various tidbits

The short answer to the question, “Can a sex act be liberating?”

Breaking with an imposed standard that feels oppressive in order to move toward being true to oneself (instead of trying to live up to outside expectations) is extremely liberating, no matter what it is.

I wrote that in a comment at Bitch | Lab and was so pleased with my sudden, unexpected eloquence that I figured I’d re-post it here. More to come.

Other quick things to note…

I’m going to my second pole dancing class tonight; w00t! We’ll see if I suck any less this time. But you know, who the fuck cares; I’m there to have fun.

My OB/GYN wants me to get the new HPV vaccine. I think it’s awesome that I get to be one of the first people to get it. She says I would be a “good candidate” because I’m 26 and that’s the high end of the “recommended age range” (or whatever the exact term was). She said she thought that age range was odd, though, because (as she put it), “30-year-olds have sex too.” Heh.

Rusty and I are going on a road trip July 2nd-3rd to (among other places) the Georgia Rural Telephone Museum. We’re going to stay at a bed and breakfast in Americus (in the “jacuzzi room”). It’s going to rule. And oh yes, there will be podcasting.

Anyhow. That is all for now. The past few days have been a mile a minute, but I have good news (I can’t post it here yet, but stay tuned).

Pride podcast

Our podcast from Atlanta Pride is now available, featuring (among other things) Rusty’s interview with the crazy street preachers. It’s a doozie!

Lost linkage

Somewhere amid the multi-blog BJ brouhaha last week, someone asked (perhaps rhetorically), “Can a sex act be liberating?” (or maybe it was “empowering”). I’ve been wanting to write a response to that question, but now I can’t find the site where I originally read it. If anyone remembers seeing it, I’d really appreciate the link. If not, oh well; I’ll end up writing the post anyway, I just won’t have a referential link.

It’s only natural

Several weeks ago I came across this thread (“Natural vs. unnatural is a cover to romanticize oppression”) at Pandagon and have been meaning to write something about it ever since. Basically, Amanda called BS on using “it’s natural” or “it’s unnatural” as an argument in a debate.

“Natural” is a bunk concept. People invoke it when they can’t make a substantial argument about the rightness of their case. … Anti-choicers argue against contraception because it’s “unnatural” because otherwise they’d be put in the unteneable position of having to admit outright that they disapprove of contraception because it’s been such a useful tool to liberating women. Homophobes call homosexuality “unnatural” because they can’t concoct a real argument against it. Unfortunately, even our side falls into the trap of arguing for sexual liberation under the guise of nature, when it’s probably more honest to argue that sexual liberation is good because pleasure improves the quality of life and stifling it for no good reason is sadistic.

That really got me thinking, since I’ve used “natural” as an argument before (e.g., in my Every Young Man’s Battle reviews). Upon reflection, though, Amanda’s point makes a hell of a lot of sense, and I recognize that I was perhaps taking the easy way out (or, to be more accurate, not articulating my meaning as clearly as I should’ve). So I hereby swear not to resort to using “natural” or “unnatural” as an argumentative point, from here on out!

Besides, WRT sex, saying it’s natural is really a pretty weak argument. Talking about (for example) “natural urges” makes the mistake of tying sexuality directly to reproduction. That’s something the neocons love to do, and I do not want to be guilty of the style of reasoning that they use! Yes, sex can lead to reproduction, but that is not the only reason for having sex, nor is it the only reason sex exists. (Thus the logical fallacy of, “If you don’t want to have a child, don’t have sex!”) <cliché>As humans, sexuality is one of the most beautiful parts of being truly alive.</cliché> And when I say “sexuality,” I am not referring only to partnered, physical, sexual activity. You don’t need a partner to get in touch with your sexuality and experience its benefits. And no, I’m not necessarily talking about masturbation, either (though that can definitely be a part of it).

Well, this isn’t as thorough as I would like it to be… I don’t like to just dash off a quick blog post about a serious and nuanced topic, but I don’t have enough time right now to sit and proofread. More later, maybe.

Weekend

It was a whirlwhind of a weekend. Fun, but exhausting. Excerpt from an email I sent Jenny and Niki last night: “Would it be too cliché if I said, ‘I need a weekend to recover from the weekend?’ Damn, I just said it!”

Saturday morning/afternoon, of course, we were at Pride; the podcast should be up today or tomorrow. More photos are also forthcoming.

Saturday night we went to the Atlanta Urban Photography Exhibit, which was awesome. (And yes, I think I’m going to finally give in and put photos on Flickr. But just a taste, to drive people to my Gallery.) We met some fellow bloggers and podcasters, and I experienced my second-ever “blogger sighting” (ie, someone I didn’t know came up to me and said, “Are you Amber? I read your blog!”).

Sunday was the Pride parade (which turned into a deluge, and a subsequent very soggy MARTA ride home), then preparation for a podcast party (I made baked ziti and everyone seemed to like it), and then the podcast party itself. The episode we recorded of the GA Politics Podcast is already up, and it turned out really well. (We had conservatives present this time!)

Pride, day 1

As you may or may not know, this weekend is the Atlanta Pride Festival. Rusty and I were there for a few hours this morning, walking around and doing interviews with people. Here’s Rusty interviewing a crazy street preacher at the corner of 10th and Piedmont:

The cautious approach

The interview in progress

You’ll be able to hear the interview in all its unintentional comic glory sometime early next week. The money quote? “A man’s penis in another man’s anus? That just don’t make sense!”

The horse ain’t dead yet

Well, she’s back at it. I didn’t want to get all caught up writing another blog post, because I have work to do, dammit (my CSS kung-fu is reaching new heights lately) – but I just need to get this out.

I think the bloggers who compared Twisty to a grown-up “mean girl” were spot on. We’re not in high school and she’s not the captain of the cheerleading team, but goddamn if everything else doesn’t fit. She writes all-or-nothing statements like (from the first BJ post that started whole kerfluffle last week), “no woman, since the dawn of the patriarchal co-option of human sexuality, has ever actually enjoyed this submissive sexbot drudgery” – and then wonders why plenty of women take offense? Seriously, is it really that difficult to understand, especially for someone who seems to be very intelligent? In one sentence, she has made a sweeping statement about all women (implying that women everywhere are so alike that there’s no need to bother speaking about them as individuals), labeling them as “sexbots” (reducing women to a sex class? hmm, where have I heard that before, and from whom?) and making an all-encompassing statement about a sex act as “submissive” and “drudgery” – leaving no room for argument on any of those points. Congrats, Twisty, you’ve effectively backed us into a corner. Way to alienate countless other feminists. That’s really excellent for the cause, there.

At some point in that first thread or the one following it, someone came along and said something like, “The fact that everyone is paying so much attention to this means that Twisty has hit on the truth!” Well, now I can’t find the blog, much less the post or comment, where somebody pointed out the glaring faultiness in that kind of argument… Belledame, I think it was on your blog? If so, feel free to link to it. Update: here’s the post. I was mentally cheering “right on!” while I read it.

But anyway, back to this latest trainwreck. Here are a few of the more ludicrous comments that I had to talk back to (we know the virtue of talking back, of course). And I’m doing so not because the commenters have “hit on the truth.” I’m not even touching Twisty’s post itself… I don’t have all day, after all.

I’m personally inclined to think that, while it may be fun or create bonding or what have you, swapping bodily fluids is pretty much intrinsically icky no matter which particular fluids they are. (Yes, even breastfeeding a baby.)

Well, hon, you’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but to me that smacks of some serious body-image issues and a pretty hefty serving of OCD. (This commenter goes onto ramble about “germs” for a few more sentences.)

Did you know that you are “reprehensible,” and you are suggesting that straight women (i.e. women who like giving blowjobs; apparently there is no distinction between those two concepts) be sent to the back of the bus?

Actually, most of the people who responded to the anti-BJ fracas took great pains to make it clear that no person should ever do any sex act that s/he is not comfortable with, and should not feel pressured or obligated to do so. Careful wording was used to stress that obviously not all het women (or any other sexual orientation) enjoy [insert sex act here], nor should they be assumed to. So, remind me again who was lumping all het women together WRT their feelings on blowjobs?

And on this very blog,women gush about something which is objectively disgusting because of how much pleasure it gives their mista.

Okay, leaving the whole “objectively disgusting” part aside, because that’s just ridiculous… actually, “how much pleasure it gives their mista” was not the only reason women were “gushing” about blowjobs. Most talked about how much pleasure they get from it themselves. Isn’t feminism supposed to be about agency and self-determination? (See also figleaf’s thoughts on the matter, including a steamy comment from yours truly.)

“wahhh, but feminism means that I can do what I want without ever having to think about the context, society or history or the rest of the world’s women, and anyone daring to suggest that I might examine that, is an evil hairy dyke telling me what to do and it’s all their fault that everything’s horrid and that I broke a nail and the republicans are still in power”

No, dumbass, try again. No one ever said any such thing. In fact, one central theme I detected in most of the sexpos responses was the importance of personal examination, challenging assumptions about sex (whether those assumptions come from feminists, Christians, or anyone else), taking the time to think about the whys and wherefores behind one’s sexual proclivities and how the cultural climate might play into that, and acknowledging that sex does not exist in a vacuum. But, sure, the sexpos feminists who took the time to write thoughtful, measured responses are the ones with reading comprehension problems. Whatever helps you sleep at night, champ.

Well shoot, isn’t a cock hanging out of a woman’s mouth the picture that comes to mind when we think of women’s liberation?

Ah, sarcasm… how often you are abused. To me, that comment sounds an awful lot like the same old rhetoric coming from a different source. Seriously, let’s once and for all get past the inane stereotype of “Women can’t be sexual and intelligent” – or, to be more germane, “If she sucks cock, she’s a bimbo with no brain.”

Well, now I’ve made my way down to the comments that liken suburban housewives to slaves on antebellum Southern plantations, and I just have to stop. Now, look – this is not a denial that there are women who live in a state of unquestioned subsurvience to men. Far too many women do, and that problem urgently needs to be overcome. I just don’t see how refusing to give head – especially if giving head is what you want to do – furthers that goal at all. But maybe it’s me. I’m a tool of Teh Patriarchy® living in deep-seated denial, after all. (There can be no other way!!)

I’ve spent far too much time on this and have now gotten behind on work. Go figure. Anyway, also be sure to read Rachel Kramer Bussel’s awesome blog post, “Feminist blowjobs and other oxymorons”. That gal is a fierce wordsmith who makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Getting in shape and finding my inner stripper

So, here are some general thoughts about last night’s pole dancing class.

• It was one hell of a work-out – but it didn’t feel tedious or obligatory like a lot of exercise does to me. Which is to say, I wasn’t spending the whole time counting down the seconds until it would be over.
• I’m pretty sure I looked like an idiot most of the time. I tried to overcome my self-consciousness and embarrassment, though, because I know all those feelings stem from shit that happened 10+ years ago. We’re not in middle school anymore, no one’s going to make fun of me if I fuck up a move (which I did quite frequently).
• For someone who is so confident in my sexuality in other aspects, I sure have a hard time doing a “sexy walk.” I felt ridiculous, and alternated between laughing at myself and almost falling over. And I wasn’t even wearing heels.
• You have to have a stripper name in the class. When I couldn’t think of a clever name, I said, “Well, isn’t Amber already a stripper name anyway?” They agreed that yes, it is, but I’m not allowed to take the easy way out. So they named me Poison Ivy.
• Note to self: wear tighter clothing next time so you don’t get all tangled up in yourself. T-shirts don’t lend themselves to flailing around on a pole.
• Sooner or later, I’ll probably have to buy some goddamn heels. 10% discount on class-related purchases, though, so there’s that.
• Not directly related to the class, but, Aphrodite’s Toybox (I keep accidentally calling it “Aphrodite’s Toolbox,” which I think is a funnier name anyway) is awesome. No, it’s not Babeland – but it’s not Inserection, either. I’m very happy that we have a woman-owned, sex-positive store for all things erotic, right at home in Decatur!
• But back to pole dancing. I hope some other sexy ATL ladies (you know who you are – probably because I already emailed you) decide to come along next time! I’ll try to do it on a night other than Wednesday next week; depends on what the class schedule looks like, though.

All in all, it was a great experience. The endorphins had definitely kicked in by the time I left. Like I said, I did feel pretty self-conscious, but I don’t want to let that stop me. Shit that happened when I was 14 shouldn’t prevent me from taking positive steps in my life, so goddammit, I’m going back next week!