So, tonight was my third Strip Through Time class. I came away from the previous two weeks’ classes (as well as the six pole fitness classes I’ve taken) feeling energized, positive, and confident; but for some reason I didn’t feel quite as awesome after this one.
We did shadow dancing (or screen dancing; I can’t remember which is the proper term) tonight. Watching other people do it, it looked really cool. But I don’t know what my deal was; I just ended up having, for a lot of the time, a sense that I wasn’t doing nearly as good of a job as the other students. I tried to shake off the feeling, but it lingered with me nonetheless. I am always kind of nervous at the beginning of any of these classes, but usually the nervousness slips away pretty quickly because I’m having so much fun. This was a different kind of thing though.
Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I didn’t enjoy tonight’s class, because I did. But I just didn’t come away with that good, energized feeling.
I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly… something along the lines of, I remain doubtful that I “look sexy” doing all the stuff we learn in class - and fearful on some level that I’ll be laughed at (that goes back to some old, old shit; which is part of why I’m doing this in the first place, so I can overcome all of those old fears). Anyway. The “looking sexy” thing isn’t even the best way to describe it. I am having a very difficult time articulating what I mean here…
It’s not the sexual or sensual aspect of it that trips me up; I am very comfortable with my sexuality, as many of you who know me can attest. I have no qualms about that stuff. I mean, hell, I’ve fucked strangers in front of other strangers and didn’t feel the least bit embarrassed or apprehensive; on the contrary, it felt natural and comfortable. Some people might think it’s weird that I could be comfortable with that kind of thing but not with dancing behind a screen, for fuck’s sake. But, if you think it’s weird, then that’s just proof that you don’t know me.
But to get back to the point… It’s more that I’m afraid I don’t have good fluid motion, or rhythm, or generally look like I know what I’m doing. I feel like my movements are all herky-jerky. But I’ve never really been able to develop myself in that way, due to a variety of reasons. For the longest time I always would say something like, “Oh, I just have no rhythm” or, “I am just not coordinated” - but I refuse to allow myself to hide behind those cop-outs anymore. I’m tired of it. I just find it difficult to honestly believe that it is more nature than nurture at work here.
Well, this is going nowhere fast, so I should probably just stop rambling. I’ve been utterly unable to convey what I mean, but oh well… I’ll keep mulling it over in my head, where it actually makes sense.
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5 Responses to "Late night personal blathering"
Between the punctuating clauses of self-doubt, you conveyed what you mean quite well, I think.
If I put these two together,
1. “something along the lines of, I remain doubtful that I “look sexy” doing all the stuff we learn in class - and fearful on some level that I’ll be laughed at”
2. “It’s more that I’m afraid I don’t have good fluid motion, or rhythm, or generally look like I know what I’m doing. I feel like my movements are all herky-jerky”
I come away with a pretty lucid sense of what you mean. But is the result of this conjunction the sensation you meant to convey?
Anyway, if you’re going to doubt yourself on one plane, well, I can’t really speak to your dancing as I’ve neither seen it nor seem to have much artistic insight/experience/perspective into its merits. (Best way to put it is, “I’ve never been around that kind of stuff [subculturally].”) But I think you’re a great writer with a keen gift for introspective narrative, so, at least toss those doubts aside. It’s discomforting to read an otherwise vivid and articulate narrative that’s delimeted by, “Gah, I really don’t think I’m doing a good job of saying what I mean here” every other sentence.
PS. For what my opinion of your writing is worth, I will say that the reason I keep coming back isn’t the near-congruence of our worldviews or my unfailingly consistent agreement with what you often have to say. :-) (Though, I do think we agree more often than would seem readily apparent.)
Much of what you write about treats of things going on inside your head. And you do it very well. You’re an excellent writer.
So, really, next time you write a post like this, either adopt gross vagueries as rhetorical devices, or be more confident and assume you’ve done a good job getting what you say across to the reader. With personal introspection, there’s also the fact that most readers bring a lot of their own perceptive baggage (good or bad) to mediate your text on its way home into their cogitation, so there’s some level of inferential processing involved one way or another. (That’s an insight of postmodern literary criticism I hate to borrow from, and do so only begrudgingly, but it’s true.)
Well then isn’t it a shame that when I’m writing to try to work out some inner turmoil for myself, kind of doing the stream-of-consciousness thing, that I’m not giving two shits about what someone reading it might think. If my every other thought is “I’m not explaining it well” then you’d better believe I’m going to write that.
heh.
I can see what you mean, though. I wrote a big rambling essay once about solo sports and how they’d always been a time for me to be with my body and experience it as my own, rather than a body always on display for judgment. I spent a lot of time just doing gynamistics, tennis, biking, running, dancing, skating all by myself.
I know exactly what you mean. I have had over 18 years of dance training in my life and there are times, doing different forms of movement, when I feel like I look completely ridiculous.
Example: when I took hiphop aerobics. I just can’t move that way and I always feel like I look stupid. What makes it work, even if you feel like you aren’t looking “right” or like the other students is that it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matter is if you are having fun and are into the movement, however you do it. If you are enjoying it, that is what will come across.
If you are interested in doing more than just the pole-dancing/stripping classes, you might really enjoy a contemporary or basic dance class.