Debating over whether or not to post this here, but here goes…
Last night, I made the apparent mistake (sad that it’s a mistake) of telling my mom about the plans Rusty and I have for the Georgia Podcast Network. Immediately she started talking about how and why our business might fail. Now, it doesn’t matter whether she actually had good intentions; that was completely inappropriate. I am not someone given to doing things on a whim. She should know this, after almost 27 years of knowing me.
So today I decided to email my mom and tell her that I was hurt by what she’d said. I could’ve taken the all-too-familiar tactic of just saying nothing, and letting it all blow over (on the surface, anyway, while unspoken feelings fester just below). But I’ve done that for too long, and it’s been too damaging to me; I’m not going to continue doing it. So I sent an email explaining my feelings on the matter and why I felt as such, and said that it’s my wish that she would be happy for Rusty and me. Seems reasonable, right?
Well, she writes back and says, “I’m not going to apologize for what I said. And you hurt my feelings too.”
I don’t understand how I could’ve hurt her feelings. I can’t apologize, because I don’t know what it is I’m apologizing for. Besides, that turns the conversation around and takes the focus off of my original grievance.
I shouldn’t let this bother me as much as it is… after all, on a certain level I knew what her response would be before I even started telling her about the GAPN stuff. But whether I should know better or not, I do want to share my dreams and excitement with my mom, and I want her to be happy for me. As Cliff Bostock said in this week’s Creative Loafing, “The yearning for a mother’s love never disappears.” (Perhaps that’s a bit hyperbolic for this particular situation, but whatever.)
When Rusty told his mom about these same plans and dreams, she said, “That sounds great.” And really, that’s all I was hoping to hear.
(And now… do I leave comments open, or not? Because I know my mom reads this, even though she says she avoids my blog because it’s “too personal.” Ah, let’s throw caution to the wind… comments are open, for now.)
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18 Responses to "How not to be supportive"
Moms are affronted by *any* criticism Amber! (I mean: I hope I’m not) But my mom sometimes operates with this older notion tha somehow she’s offlimits — parental authority thing? I don’t know, but it’s like if you even say anything, you’re hurt them!
But it wasn’t a criticism, it was a statement of how I feel and why. Although, to her maybe the distinction isn’t clear or doesn’t matter.
I had an extremely similar situation happen with my mother a few weeks ago. What the heck? I’m still trying to figure out how sharing my hopes and dreams could possibly be offensive.
I’m not sure I understand the approach. If I say to R, “My feelings were hurt the other day when I told you about X-Happy-Event and you didn’t pay attention.”
This is, of course, a criticism of his behavior. He didn’t pay attention; this hurt me; I’m letting him know. My goal is to get him to do this sort of thing less often.
but maybe I’ve got this wrong — I think once you told me that this isn’t the recommended way of communicating feelings in this sort of situation.
Ahh.. the enigma that is mother / daughter relationships.
We’ve all been there.
My own mom responds in a similar manner, always playing the Devil’s Advocate to the point that it sounds and feels like unnecessary criticism- especially when it’s a response to me telling her something I want to do for the first time.
My mom has had some therapy, and I think it helps her see her own behavior from an objective viewpoint, and that is the only thing that allows me to let her know that she’s being a little harsh. Even still, she still becomes extremely negative when I express my dreams. I know it comes from a good place- she wants me to be happy and doesn’t want me to fail, and wants to prepare me for every possibility. Sometimes she has valid points, but her delivery could use a lot of work.
I don’t know if your mom has had any therapy, but until she does it’s going to be nearly impossible to do anything but deal with her. Or I guess I should say, in the case of my mom, I was unable to make any headway until she began therapy.
Good God, do you have my mom? When I told my mom I was going to grad school she tried on MANY occasions to talk me out of it. Keep in mind that she wasn’t paying for any of it, and I was doing something not only to better myself, but something to make me happy. AND, I was the only person at the time, in my whole family that even tried to get a master’s degree (and me and my cousin are the only two that have them!). Honestly, all I want is support from my parents, and this is what I get EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell them anything. I just want to know why they have to always be a soggy blanket, or rain on the parade? Why can’t they just be happy for us? I mean, isn’t that what parents are supposed to want; for their children to be happy?
Honestly, in my case, I know what my mom feels is jealousy, and it isn’t something that she can even see; yet it drives her to hurt me. Bravo for writing her, and bravo for telling her how you felt. DO NOT apologize, because as Joe says, it doesn’t matter what people think of you… in this case, definitely, you did the right thing, and if she chooses not to see that, that is her problem.
I am proud of you for the GAPN thing, just so you know; you inspire me to follow my passion!
aiyiiieeee.
well, 1) no, you’re not crazy, it -is- her, 2) unfortunately you’re probably never going to convince her of this, so 3) your energy is probably better channelled into getting to the point where you can shield yourself from her negativity.
signed,
do as i say not as i do (well, not consistently anyway, fordamnsure)
>I just want to know why they have to always be a soggy blanket, or rain on the parade?
Hard to say. In my mom’s case i honestly don’t think she means any harm (although some people do sabotage more or less deliberately, yes); it’s more like, her own anxiety just spills over and floods whoever’s willing to absorb it.
I thought this thread was interesting — given the recognition everyone voiced. So, I turned around and asked R about his mom. He said sharing that sort of thing with his mother isn’t usually on the table — ’cause she’s always waiting to hear about it in terms of him committing himself to “the church.” I laughed and said, “Oh, I guess that’s some perspective on it then since at least I don’t have to deal with that too!”
You and I are clearly sisters.
If we all gave in to the possibilities we might fail, none of us would succeed.
Is there, perhaps, a hint of jealousy - where your mother didn’t have this type of opportunity or she did and didn’t take it?
“I have a plan.” - John Crichton ;-)
Run with it!
Hon, don’t sweat it too bad. This kinda stuff’ll just build up as icky, medieval-like bile or something.
When I told my dad I was pregnant, his only response to me was to say, “I hope you raise that child right. The way IT should be raised.” This coming from someone who did nothing for my entire childhood, when I’d legallly have to visit him, except sit in his recliner and watch football.
If I hadn’t been so loopy-happy from all the pregnancy hormones racing through me at the time, I’d have thrown my drink in his face and never spoken to him again.
Sometimes, I still want to. Like the time when I told him I was starting my own media company and launching TrueGritz. He laughed in my face and said, “You people think you can make money clicking on buttons?”
A real asshole never changes, and sometimes, if you possibly can, you just gotta love ‘em for what they are, not what they’ll never be. I know my dad loves me very much; he just has a really hard time expressing himself! Besides, I’m his only heir, so I know when NOT to smack-back.
[sigh] Maybe I should do this in email, but I’ll strive for brevity. Apologies in advance to those who don’t give a shit about anything I have to say…
Amber, one of the things that I think is important to remember here is that you’re trying to change the nature of the way you communicate with your mom. You’re looking to break a pattern that you’ve had for 20+ years. That’s hard enough for you and you’re making the conscious choice to do it.
Not only did your mom not have that choice, but she didn’t even know it was happenning. I’m sure your email was a bit of a shock. Given that, in these types of situations in the past, you’ve just let your anger/frustration/pain go (or let it fester), she would naturally assume that that would be the case this time too. But you changed the rules on her and she didn’t know.
You know this, but any time a relationship changes, there are adjustments to be made. I think the most difficult ones to change are with our parents (or immediate family members) because no matter what we do, part of them will still see us as 5 year olds. Or 12 year olds.
In my family it doesn’t matter at all that I’m probably the most mellow and most chill person with our last name these days. To them, on some level, I will always be an angry 15 year old. The fact that I haven’t been that person for a good 7 or 8 years now doesn’t register with them.
With my dad it took a good two years before he stopped picking fights with me. I made a conscious decision to change the nature of our relationship and it was noticably confusing for him. He didn’t know any other way to communicate with me other than fighting and I just stopped fighting back. It’s a lot harder to have a screaming match with yourself. :-) It took a long time, but eventually he stopped trying to bait me and I stopped having to consciously refrain from snapping back at him.
Maybe you can have that conversation with your mom - letting her know that you want to be more open and up front about your emotions. I couldn’t do that with my dad. That one just took time. And a helluva lot of determination and self control on my part. If you can be that direct with her, it might make it easier on both of you.
I’m in no way trying to defend your mom’s responses. I think they’re thoughtless and ridiculously immature. BUT, she probably felt - and I think realistically was - a bit blind-sided by first, your exciting plans and second, your healthy reaction.
Since, at least once upon a time, I knew your mom, I know she’s coming from a place of good intentions. And you know that too. She loves you, there’s no question about that. She wants you to be happy. She’s just a great big worrier.
It would be really, really nice if she would stop and think for a minute and realize that yes, this is you. You’re a thoughtful person. You, of all people, are not going to make a big life change on a whim. (Damn, that’s funny, madam J-preference!)
But part of her job as your mom is to worry.
The other part of her job is to listen to you. So Cicely, if you’re reading this, stop and realize that this is your daughter. This is Amber. She’s smart and she’s sensible. And she’s trying to reach out to you and strengthen your relationship. It’ll go a lot faster if you don’t shoot her down with bratty comments like, “I’m not going to apologize.” This kind of communication might be a big change, but think about what it could be like to actually talk to your daughter about the way you feel and to understand what she really feels. It’s worth the bumpy road to get there.
[sigh] That’s a little more than two cents. :-)
Thanks, Amber. Now I really miss my therapist!
I love you, m’dear. Big vagina hug.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
jt — reminds me of the family systems therapy techniques a gf of mine used with her family. took a long time but eventually it worked out for the better - for everyone.
I think there is a similar son-father dynamic sometimes; my dad always manages to put out my fires in a similar fashion — just as a function of personality. My mom is generally more supportive, but also generally lacking in sufficient interest or specialised knowledge to actually appreciate the project/endeavour/enterprise/whatever, so the net effect there isn’t much better.
My shrink is always trying to get me to talk out my feelings with my mother when she does this sort of thing to me as well. You did what you are apparently supposed to do, so good for you; pat yourself on your back!
However, I keep telling my shrink that it won’t do any good. It would only work if my mother was also in therapy. I just keep trying to keep in mind that my mother means well in her own crazy way.
Btw, it really does sound like you and I have the same mom…though if it were my mom, she’d come back later and really try to be completely supportive without ever making a comment about what was said before…just more to confuse me, I think. ;)
This sounds a bit like my Mom too :) Except my Mom is usually pretty supportive when it comes to my job and education goals. I just can’t talk to her at all about my illness. I have Lupus, so I’m on lots of medication and have to see doctors and hospitals and all that crap on a fairly regular basis. My mother cannot deal with it. I’ll tell her I had a strange reaction to some medication and she’ll tell me it’s not possible. (Despite the fact that the hospital made me read and sign a form listing all possible side effects and hey! I got one of ‘em.)
So, it’s gotten to the point where I just don’t talk about my illness with her. And she noticed. Really quickly, that I wasn’t telling her how I was feeling or what my doctors had said at my last checkup or if I had to go into the hospital — and THAT got her attention. When I just stopped addressing the issue with her altogether, she wanted to know why. And so, I told her. I think she was a little upset at first (because she never meant to hurt my feelings, it’s just really hard to know your child is suffering and you cant’ do anything about it, so deny, deny, deny).
She’s gotten better about things now. When I tell her things, she just agrees with me and acknowledges she’s heard me. Which is all I really wanted. If you can, see what happens when you just don’t discuss certain subjects with your Mother. Maybe she’ll want to know why and she’ll be open to hearing your reason. Or maybe not, but at least it’ll give you some peace while you’re not having arguments with her about it :)