Being Amber Rhea

When NaDruBloDa rolls around, maybe I’ll finally let down all of my inhibitions and post all the shit I’ve always WANTED to post but never did, for various reasons. (Except the stuff I haven’t posted because I’m afraid it might get me sued. I doubt I’d get drunk enough to lose ALL sense.)

You know I’ve been trying to battle self-censorship, as much as I can. I need to sit back and remember, sometimes, what this blog was supposed to be for in the first place. A place for me to write whatever I want - and not have to worry about each and every word, turn of phrase, etc. and how it might be interpreted. Because fuck it all, this blog was supposed to be for ME, not for anyone else. And even though I’ve mostly gotten over the fact that, for example, my mom reads it (even though she says she doesn’t), because I’m a goddamn grown woman and I shouldn’t worry about whether or not I have a potty mouth around my mommy… but still, just in general, there’s a block there. I think it’s because I blog under my real name.

Just now, on my iPod, Liz Phair says: “Listen here young lady, all that matters is what makes you happy.”

This is stream of consciousness, while I wait for the software we’re using at work to come back up. (They had to do a server restart or somesuch bullshit.)

Here’s something seemingly random. I’m sick to death of people saying “There are tons of sex positive messages in this society, everywhere I look.” Sorry, no. Cosmo and Glamour aren’t the pinnacles of a sex-positive society. Paris Hilton ain’t it. GGW sure as shit ain’t it. Next.

I found this to be an interesting article. I know what the criticisms of it will be, and some of it’s legit, but goddamn, it’s a quick post on the web, not a master’s thesis. I will probably write about this in more detail later, but here is one of my favorite excerpts:

While American culture remains very puritanical and sex-negative - and sex is used to sell everything from car waxes to diet colas to Britney Spears’ “music” - pornography is one of the only genres that advocates for positive sexual experimentation, openness and expression. The porn that we need more of is the kind that portrays men and women as sexual equals and revels in the glories of mutual pleasure between willing individuals, whether involving one, two or more.

It also includes a reference to Ellen Willis. Kickass.

Also, here’s something I wrote on a thread at RenEv’s blog. The italicized part is me quoting another commenter:

*sigh*… for anyone who wonders why RE gets REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED sometimes…

It’s just that I question your motives as to why you prefer the work (really look deep inside - but it’s your choice as to how deep), and you say you have no problem having sex with men you do not fancy - why? I am just trying to understand.

See… if I were RE, I would NOT be able to remain as patient and calm as she does. I mean, *I* am sick of such questions, and I’m not even a sex worker! It gets old real fast when people are constantly demanding you explain yourself, MORE and MORE, no, look DEEPER, what are your REAL motivations, you must tell ME, I need to know, oh and let me pick at you JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE if you don’t mind…

- hey, why are you being so pissy?? Did I hit a nerve? Did I hit a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself??

Um, no, you were just being an insufferable asshole!!

This is how it goes.

And look, Anon? Best of intentions or not? I don’t really care at the moment, because this: “really look deep inside - but it’s your choice as to how deep)” just sounds REALLY assholish.

If it were me you were speaking to, I’d say, “Hey, fuck off! K thx bye.”

Speaking your truth is powerful. In fact, it might be one of the most powerful things out there that we as individuals can do.

Later I will post my pole dancing video and we can take bets as to who will be the first to talk about how falsely conscious I am. Oh, by the way, Kim says:

For our Becauses, we don’t need to explain and justify.

Matter of fact, our Becauses are maybe best kept to ourselves, at least in part.

Because sometimes, our Becauses belong in only in our souls, as trying to explain can change them in ways.

Anyway. Software’s back up. Gotta get back to work. I have so much shit to do today. I’ll be at work til 8:00, then I’ve got plenty of other stuff to do after that. I’m not complaining, just saying. Also, thank god for my iPod, or I think I would punch some of the people I’m sitting in this room with.

Reminder: Rusty and I will be on the radio Thursday.