Monday night at pole dancing class, I finally wore these booty shorts that I bought about 3 months ago. (They look like this except they’re red.) I originally bought them because my instructors each have a pair and they wear them all the time, and they look really comfortable. And they are comfortable, and hot too, if I say so myself. And yet… I felt apprehensive about wearing them to class. The one place that’s been a consistenly supportive, safe, women-only environment, and I felt nervous and self-conscious. (Much of this goes back to my own shit, some old shit, and I’ll get to that in a minute.)
But I decided that this was the night, I had to finally wear the damn things, I didn’t buy them to just lay around in my drawer. And I knew I would be pissed at myself if I continued to let my old fears and insecurities control me. So I wore them under some workout pants and when I got to the studio I was still debating over whether or not to lose the pants. A classmate told me I should go for it. The instructors said they looked cute. So I went ahead and lost the workout pants.
I didn’t feel weird or anything just sitting in a chair waiting for class to start. But then when we started with the warm-up (this consists mostly of normal fitness class warm-up stuff; stretching and the like) I started to feel pretty uncomfortable. It’s like an old recording started playing in my head: “too much skin too much skin flaunting flaunting no one else is dressed like this good girls don’t it’s innappropriate…” and so on. I wondered if my ass was hanging out too much. More than that, I became extremely pre-occupied with whether any pubes were discernable. (In the low light, probably not, but then, I don’t know for sure.) I felt discouraged at the thought that in order to wear these shorts and be acceptable in class, I’d have to shave. Because fuck that, I hate shaving, and I’m not going to do it.
This pressure I felt, like I said, it came from some old shit. It didn’t come, I don’t think, directly from anyone in class; I’ve gotten to know these women over the past few months and they are all awesome, down-to-earth, supportive people. And yet I felt as if the pressure were coming from them. Thanks to my years of therapy, I was able to recognize it for what it was: projecting.
Years and years ago, I became all too accustomed to getting looks and sneers and comments and laughter from people all around me. Now the feelings associated with that stuff were coming back, and so it was like I had to have some external bodies fill in as the source of those feelings.
Or something.
It’s weird how this stuff will creep up on me at seemingly random, seemingly innocuous times. I don’t expect anyone else to understand. I expect people to scratch their heads and ask all kinds of questions that piss me off.
I still had fun during class, in the sense that I always have fun during class; but after each spin I was constantly yanking my shorts down. God forbid someone see the dreaded pubic hair!!1! By the time I got home I felt very vulnerable, and launched into a long outporing-of-old-shit to Rusty, telling him things that I’ve only ever told a handful of people. This led to a crying episode on my part; but it felt good to get it all out. (Have I mentioned today that Rusty is awesome, awesome, awesome?)
At one point I said, “I felt so uncomfortable in that room. I wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable like that in a room full of men.”
And it’s true. I don’t think I can really explain it accurately, but that’s the way I feel. I remember back in college, in one of my women’s studies classes, reading what Mary Daly had to say about women being the ones to perpetuate the harmful societal expectations (and actions) onto other women - thereby keeping the women from focusing their attention on the men, or the system, or whatever. Something like that. She used examples such as female genital mutilation in Africa and foot-binding in Asia.
I’m not sure if that’s what this is, exactly. I don’t blame Teh Patriarchy™ for my feelings and issues here - although perhaps some would say I should. But to them I say, you don’t know my personal history. You don’t know all the stuff that I, just me, in particular, went through that caused these feelings in the first place. (And thank god for therapy!)
But also, wrt shaving and general status quo approved feminine primping, I do feel the pressure to do it more from women (in general) than men. Again, not sure how much of this is The Truth, and how much of it is my own shit. (But at a certain point, does it matter? She asked, rhetorically.) Oh, and coincidentally, RenEv has a post along these same lines today.
This is not to place blame universally on women, or to absolve men of all responsibility. Fuck no. That would be stupid. This is just… some ramblings. Some stream-of-consciousness. Based on what I felt/experienced Monday night. And a reminder to myself that there’s plenty of stuff I need to keep working on.
To be continued later, maybe. Back to work now.
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20 Responses to "When self-consciousness attacks"
i am way more..ill at ease…being naked around other women than men, actually. i mean, i am pretty comfortable being naked anyway, but it has been my experience that women are more judgemental and unforgiving of their own kind…
I’m so totally with you there. The first 20 years of my life were spent trying to ignore the sniggers and stares about my legs, and now you couldn’t get me into a pair of shorts if my life depended on it. I’m giving you all sorts of credit for putting on those (what we called, back in the day) Hot Pants.
We women are competitive in a way men will never be, and nasty in ways men couldn’t concieve of.
You are a smart cookie, and that is a quality that will remain with you all your life, even if you won’t look 24 forever.
And yes- thank God for therapy indeed!
Rootie -
Well I’ll take it as a compliment that you think I look 24, since I’m actually 27! ;)
RenEv -
The weird thing (in some people’s minds I guess) is that I don’t have any problem being naked. For me, being naked feels comfortable and “at home” if that makes sense. It’s just sometimes when I wear ’sexy’ stuff - or not even sexy, but just, I don’t know, of a certain length/cut/whatever - around women, I get to feeling like I did last night.
And like I said, it’s seemingly random when it happens! I didn’t feel that way AT ALL at Dragon*Con, and I was prancing around in a mini-skirt the whole time.
Thanks for the comments, y’all.
Amber,
Heh, I went to dragon con a few years back, did the costume contest as comic book bad girl “Razor”…
You know, I never used to wear anything that showed my abs, at all, ever, because I got picked on (primarily by women) because of them. Then at one point I was kind of like “fuck this, I LIKE my abs! I spend time keeping them looking like this, so if I want to show ‘em, by gum, I am gonna show ‘em”…
Alright, here’s the thing. I was at a local watering hole a few Sundays ago with some of the guys, and who do I see walking in but TGDB and TGDG (Rusty and Amber). We’ve met a couple times, but you wouldn’t recognize me if you walked right past me, since you sort of did.
Here’s the thing though, and it get’s back to questions I have about my own blog. Meeting someone in public requires a level of decorum . . . it simply must. At some point though, when you know much more about someone from a blog than you do from actual conversations with them, should you:
a) stop reading the blog
b) be more friendly than you might otherwise be in person
c) stop reading and leave them the fuck alone in public
I only ask because had we drinking with one another for months, I’m pretty sure your opinions on female topiaries would probably not have come up in polite conversation. I might not be giving either one us enough credit, but I think TGDB would have let me know how little he appreciated the question by asking me to step outside.
Damn, RT, I agree… those ABSOLUTELY qualify as hotpants! (All one word b/c there ain’t enough space for a space, okaaay?)
Amber, I have major anxiety about that stuff too… except for me it is all from dudes, specifically former boyfriends who would bitch at me about shaving/not shaving. Note I said FORMER.
I’ve found, when I buy some booty shorts, or lingerie, it takes time for me to be comfortable in them shave or no shave. And you put it so well:
When it’s another PERSON, it’s a lot less scary then something internal that follows you around ALL THE TIME. Or so I’ve found.
Mprovise,
First of all, it took me a few seconds to realize what “female topiaries” was supposed to mean. Yeah, that’s cute, but can we cut the confusion and just say bush? Pubes? Pussy hair? Please.
Also, I’m trying to remember what local watering hole I could have possibly been at a few Sundays ago. How many Sundays ago? I can barely remember what I did last Sunday.
Furthermore - polite conversation? You obviously don’t know me as well as you think you do! These things are absolutely possible discussion topics. Why the hell not?
Anyway. Please keep reading the blog. And if you see me in public say something for fuck’s sake. You’re the one from Drinking Liberally, right? I’m terrible with names, faces, the whole deal.
“female topiaries” is so much more decorious! It is, after all, a manicured bush, no?
I love euphemisms. Let’s you say all manner of socially dubious things without the risk of losing your Presbyterian license.
I was trying to…hm…not to insult you because you don’t really look 24…you look more…16 with glasses. to me. but then anyone under 35 looks barely out of high school to me.
I can say with first-hand knowledge, as I was there, that you looked amazing in your hotpants!
In fact, I purchased some short-shorts (different from hotpants) with the intention to wear to our last refresher class on Monday… that is, if I can convince myself that I’ll look passable in them…
Ok I’m going to say something that, I am sure, will qualify me as (at the very least) naive, or (at worst) phenomenally old fashioned.
panties? under the shorts? or are panty lines declasse’?
Muse,
Ooh, where’d you get ‘em??
Rootie,
First of all, re: me looking 16 - that’s good to know! Because, if I ever decide to become an undercover reporter and infiltrate a high school (a la Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed), I know I’ll be able to pass!
Secondly, re: panties. Yes, I wore them under the shorts. As nice as that material feels to touch, I didn’t want it all up in my stuff.
well, then if you’re wearing knickers, I wouldn’t worry too much about the hairs showing. I’ve always tried to believe that no matter what I do, or what happens, there’s always someone who’s done it worse.
Ahem. Well, um… in the interest of propriety and all… I feel that I shouldn’t say a word more!
Hey Amber,
I’m the same - I worry about what women will think about my hairiness more than what men will think, and it’s hard to put my finger on why. I think maybe it’s to do with the fact that they know what I ’should’ have done (ie shaved) as they do it themselves, whereas men know I’m supposed to shave but they’re not so invested in it because they don’t do it themselves - also, no potential feelings of superiority on the part of the men, but maybe on the part of the women. If that makes sense…
I wish I was free enough to write posts like this.
Laura,
Yes, I think you’re onto something there. I think that’s definitely a big part of it for me. Also, I know a lot of women have had boyfriends/partners who’ve been demeaning, insulting, verbally abusive, etc. with wanting them to shave, wear make-up, dress a certain way, and so on. I guess I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve never experienced that. In my experience, any man I’ve ever had sex with has just seemed pleased as punch to be having sex! Not sure if my experience represents the majority or if the women who’ve had unpleasant, abusive experiences do… but I guess it doesn’t matter.
Audacity,
Aw shucks. Thanks. This was hard for me to write, but it felt good to do so. I think you could do it if you took a deep breath and just went for it! (Only if you want to, of course.)
Yes, it’s time to take back our hairs… all of ‘em. Don’t like ‘em, then get the fuck (or not!) outta MY bed.
Oh that URL-ing did not work. Pasting technique a bit off today, due to the cold weather. Try now…
It’s not even that I’m (personally) so concerned about as the sniggering and pointing and whispering of other women.
Although, of course, I fully support denying sex to any man who tries to say that you must shave your nether regions, or some such shit.
I love this discussion, mostly b/c I actually teach pole dancing, striptease, and lapdancing and still have anxiety about whether or not to wear the hotpants.
In the end I don’t have a choice (at least in the pole class) but it did take a while to get comfortable and sometimes I have small panic attacks, which I’m sure could be tied to my monthly cycle.
Anyhoo I just try to remind myself that it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks and if they say anything I’ll kick them out of class!