There have been a lot of conversations lately about online bullying… and I have plenty I want to say about the subject. But I think I’ll break this into several blog posts, rather than one big one.
It goes without saying that the perpetrators of online bullying - a term I don’t like, because “bullying” doesn’t even come close to accurately describing death threats - are cowardly and insecure. You know, just like the “bullies” were back in school - and some people never really grow up, do they? For all the talk of “No one can make anyone feel a certain way” and “Don’t let them bother you” and so on, the truth is, none of us lives in a bubble. Other people’s actions and words do affect us, and even if those words or actions are motivated by fear, insecurity, etc., ultimately it has fuck-all to do with whether or not they hurt us.
I don’t know what’s to be done about this… and I wish I had some answers. But I don’t know if there are any answers. Not any hard-and-fast ones, to be sure.
(It annoys me when people write in the second person, but I’m about to do it anyway.) The most frustrating thing, to me, is not being able to defend yourself. Not because you’re not able to stand up for yourself, articulate your points, use your brain, etc… but because the other party refuses to take your defense seriously, no matter what you do or say. That’s how it was for me throughout much of school. It didn’t matter that I was smart and my attackers were scared, stupid fools. They had power - not because I “gave” it to them, but because it didn’t matter what I did; I wasn’t taken seriously. In retrospect, I don’t think much of anything could’ve gotten through to them short of an actual ass-kicking or some other sort of physical humiliation, but I wasn’t physically capable of that.
I was a kid. I was at school. I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t allowed to stand up for myself, and no one stood up for me. That’s the kind of thing that drives people to extreme acts.
Only I didn’t have the guts for extreme acts, either. I was scared.
And sure, with “online bullying,” things are different… to a point. We’re adults, not kids (even if plenty of blogosphere denizens seem to be in a state of arrested development circa 7th grade). We can choose who to ignore or acknowledge, whose words matter and whose are just noise. But even so, when there’s enough noise, it can drown out anything else, and cause real harm. So, what to do then?
I’ll write about it some more in another post.
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12 Responses to "Online abuse, and separating the signal from the noise"
I think you are exactly right, when you say the most frustrating thing is not being able to stand up for yourself, which imo is fundamental to feeling comfortable in your own skin.
I remember the on-line melt down at Rusty’s a few years back. They really came after you that day. It was pretty sick.
sassywho,
Again I want to clarify, what I’m talking about isn’t not being able to stand up for yourself; it’s not being allowed to stand up for yourself. There’s a big difference.
More later.
Amber, I echo this post wholeheartedly. I am sure that you have seen the continual attack I have been taking over at my blog, and honestly, I want to know what the motivation is for reading my blog, if you aren’t really going to take my argument seriously? It then becomes clear that the point, then, is just to attack, rather than to actually debate.
I am fine with debate, but the attack has got to go. I took WAY more than my share throughout school, and I am one pissed off faggot who isn’t going to take shit anymore.
What I’d like to to write about in my next post is the cry of “censorship!!” and “free speech!!” that, predictably, always goes up whenever these assholes are called on their behavior. It amazes me that so many people are, apparently, ignorant of the fact (or, more probably, just don’t care) that ‘free speech’ refers ONLY to government. As in, the government cannot persecute you for expressing your views. Free speech does NOT mean you’re allowed to have verbal diarrhea anywhere, any time, with no consequences whatsoever.
WRT blogs? The ‘delete’ and ‘ban’ commands are there for a reason. I use this analogy often, but it remains accurate: if someone comes over to my house and shits on the living room floor, they will be unceremoniously kicked out, and don’t let the door hit ‘em on the way out. They can stand in the yard screaming their head off, but nobody’s going to believe they’re being persecuted. In fact, the cops will be called and they’ll be escorted away and charged w/ trespassing.
Amber:
Hey, as human who got accused of being a carefully constructed porn marketing trick today, amid all the other bullshit, I am just ready to kick the shit out of some people for their tactics.
for fucksake, highschool is over, you know? Got a problem, bring it to the source, or don’t be surprised when the source gets fucking livid and goes all scorched earth on your ass.
Humans, the other white meat…
I think this is the key piece of the argument. You can say whatever the fuck you want, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences. If you make egregious comments and say, your employer choses to fire you or someone bans you from their personal space, that’s their right too.
Besides, there’s certainly no lack of avenues for self-expression these days.
(I could bring this all back to Craig Ferguson, but I’ll spare you. See, it all comes back…) :-)
Hey, I just finished his book. Bring it back all ya want!
Amber — right on. Funny thing is, the responses that are motivated by fear and insecurity can be the worst because they’re the least logical.
I’m never disturbed by a logical counter to something I’ve said. That’s the kind of thing that can help refine arguments or even learn something. But the nasty insults, which typically aren’t on point, are worthless. As you say, noise with no signal.
My big frustration is very simple. As a pragmatist, my question is usually “what do you want to do, and how do you plan to do it.” Everything else, to me, is noise.
Ohhh, Amber…you know I don’t need any more persuasion.
Craig’s philosophy is that when he’s doing his show (you know, the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, on CBS at 12:37 am, Eastern), he’s a guest in people’s homes. For the show he is, by his own description, less profane and more respectful. For his stand-up, he figures it’s pretty much no holds barred. (Well, that and the censors aren’t going to fine him.) Same principle - it’s all about appropriate timing and placement.
Btw, Conan is in re-runs this week, so if you have no clue as to who I’m talking about it’s a perfect time to click on over to CBS and watch Craig.
Shameless whore for things I believe in? Yes, yes I am.
Now for thoughts that might be something other than just amusing for Amber…
I’m not exactly sure why, but my gut reaction to that statement is, WRONG…which is odd, because in this particular context, I think I agree. Maybe it’s because I’m an idealist, but I do have an innate appreciation for the impractical, particularly when it’s also aesthetic.
I think it’s also because, in my personal life, I’m not a planner. The most meaningful and honest aspects of my life (I don’t just mean the small moments, but the big picture as well) are completely unscripted and unplanned. That’s not to say that deliberate steps haven’t been taken, but that they have happened in the moment, because they were the right thing at the time - not as part of a bigger plan.
I think I would rephrase your “what do you want to do, and how do you plan to do it” as
What do you mean and why do think it?
Everything else, to me (plans included, possibly plans especially), is noise.
Oh, and tell me you liked the book! :-)
Of course I liked the book! I did feel like it ended a bit abruptly, though. But we can discuss this off-blog. :) Perhaps I shall call you!
Anyway, Jenny, I don’t see your and octogalore’s statements are being mutually exclusive, or even really all that different at all. To me they seem to be different ways of expressing the same thing. Obviously, being the J-preferenced person I am, the “what do you want to do and how are you going to do it” resonates with me - but I’m idealistic as well, so the other one resonates as well! :)