Being Amber Rhea

Lots of other people are doing it, so I will too. Via Newt In a Tea Cup (whose blog design I love, btw).

• Name: Please. You know it by now.
• Age: 27
• Height: 5′6″
• Weight: 130 lbs.
• Do you consider yourself attractive? For the most part, yeah. But it’s hard to say that without the “ZOMG STOP UR BEING SELFISH!!!!” bells going off in my head.
• Do others consider you attractive? *shrug* Some do. Some probably don’t. I’m not a mind reader.
• What is your biggest insecurity and why? I have quite a few insecurities (there’s a surprise!) which sometimes I don’t feel insecure about for weeks, and then they’ll just creep up on me one day and I’ll feel like shit for no good reason. These include: my teeth (not white enough, not straight enough), and I can point to exactly what that goes back to, but that’s another story for another time; I have a fairly odd mole on my leg; every once in a blue moon, I think my eyebrows look weird. I’m sure no one else cares. And I feel like a jerk for even enumerating these insecurities, for some reason. That’s MY SHIT!
• Have you/Would you consider using plastic surgery? Why or why not? I don’t like these “would you” type questions. At the moment, no, I wouldn’t; but who knows what could happen in the future that would make me change my mind. So there’s a definitive “I don’t know” for you!
• What is your relationship with make-up? I hardly ever wear it, and as such I don’t have much of it around the house. At the moment I own a lipstick, which I use maybe 3-4 times a week, and a thing of eyeshadow which I’ve used like twice since I bought it.
• How much money do you/think is reasonable to spend on your appearance? I guess however much I want to and can reasonably afford.
• What is your experience of dieting? I haven’t been on any specific diets. I try to eat healthy and most of the time I succeed, but that’s pretty much the extent of it.
• Have you/ anyone you know tried any specific diet programs i.e. Lighter Life? How did that affect your health? your moods? your relationships? Rusty and Niki both did South Beach and it was a great experience for them. Rusty says he feels so much better (healthier) now.
• Do you have any experiences of eating disorders i.e. either yourself or someone you know? A few friends and acquaintances have struggled with eating disorders of one type or another.
• How did other people react to this; what was the fallout? Umm, I don’t really have an answer to this question. I mean, with my friends, I was concerned about them; but with most of them the eating disorder was in their past, before I knew them.
• Have you had negative experiences relating to your appearance and people’s reactions to it? Have I? Well, how much time have you got? … Seriously, throughout middle school and some of high school, I was “the ugly girl.” Worse, I was the smart “ugly girl,” so I got a double-dose of abuse. It didn’t matter that, as I got into my later teens, I wasn’t an awkward-looking 7th grader anymore; I’d been branded, and that was my identity, and there was nothing I could do about it. Not surprisingly, since I didn’t have much in the way of positive support at home, and my friends were just as fucked-up as I was, I internalized it and believed it. It took me years to finally believe that I’m not ugly. Thanks, therapy, you are awesome. I admit that sometimes, that old shit still sneaks up on me. The younger you are when shit happens, the more deeply it gets embedded in your brain, and… that shit is in there deep.
• What about positive reactions to your body? The compliment I get the most is people saying I have beautiful eyes. Various people over the years have told me I’m sexy and such. Rusty tells me every day, usually multiple times a day. That makes me happy. (Note: at this point I should point out, if you’re some guy I don’t know very well or don’t know at all, and you’re reading this, and you feel like now would be a good time to chime in with some comment about how sexy I am… don’t. It’s not flattering. It’s creepy.) More than a few people have told me I have “stealth boobs” which are a pleasant surprise. I’m a 34-D but I guess, somehow, it doesn’t show? People have said stuff like, “You don’t wear tight shirts!” Except that I do, sometimes. So I don’t know what’s up. But stealth is okay with me. Oh and Dacia said, “Dude, you’ve got some serious tits.” To which I replied, “Yeah, they’re serious, but they also like to kick back and just have fun, too.”
• How has your body image and attitude changed over the years? It’s gotten better and better. I’ve had a few backslides - biggest one after my divorce - but it’s pretty much remained positive, despite all the shit I dealt with as a teenager. Senior year of high school and freshman year of college were particularly positive, liberating times that helped shape my self-image into something more confident and secure.
• What do you love about your body? I do have beautiful eyes; I love ‘em. I also love my ass and my stealth boobs. And for the most part, I love my hair, just the way it is, even if it isn’t anybody’s idea of fashionable or hot or whatever else.
• What is your opinion on the media portrayal of women’s bodies? “Ludicrous” might be putting it mildly.
• What would you change about the way you/ your friends/ your family/ general people see their bodies? If I could wave a magic wand? I’d get rid of all that bullshit that I’ve dealt with to a large extent, but which I’m still carrying around in some form, whether I like it or not. Same for everybody else with all their various types of baggage.
• What makes you feel beautiful? I like being naked. Also, sitting in the sunlight makes me feel beautiful (’cause of the warmth, maybe?), and so does pole dancing.
• and just for fun… Do you shave legs/pits/upper lip moustache? Legs: yes, about every two weeks or so; pits: had laser hair removal but still have to do some trimming every once in a while; upper lip moustache: don’t have one.

So there you have it. No shame. I’m over shame.