Being Amber Rhea

Fri. 1:30 p.m. - Privacy, Exposure, and Risk: Can you maintain safer spaces online?

Lunch was great, and now we are back up on the 2nd floor, getting ready for the session with Susie Bright, Ann Crady, and Tara Hunt. Speaking of which, Susie Bright came up to our table at lunch to get Rachel because they were doing a book signing together. Viviane got up and hugged her. Then she turned to me and asked my name, and I stuck out my hand and said, “I’m Amber,” and she was all, “Oh! Amber!” Seriously, y’all. She recognized me from my blog, and when I kind of breathlessly asked, “You read my blog?” she acted like it was obvious and I should stop being so modest. (!!!!) Total fan-girl moment. I felt flustered after that, but not in a bad way. So anyway, that was awesome. And Susie seems like a total sweetheart. She’s up there now wearing a tiara.

Session is starting now. Lynne D. Johnson is the moderator.

My camera battery is almost dead, but it’s just as well, because from my vantage point, all my photos are going to have a bright-red-haired woman’s head smack in the middle.

Each panelist now is going to say how much they are “exposed” online.

Tara says pretty much her whole life is online and she’s not very worried about potential risks. She says she’s had benefits from putting herself out there, including career benefits because people feel that they know her better or trust her more. She says she trusts human nature and believes people are mostly good and that might be part of why she doesn’t obsess about all the bad things that could happen.

Ann says for her the benefits far outweigh the potential risks and she thinks the dangers are far over-blown.

Susie Bright hates the mics and doesn’t want to use one. But she has to because they’re streaming live in Second Life.

Someone said the feedback was “unbearable.” I just Twittered that it’s not unbearable. Ha.

Anyway, moving on, Susie Bright is talking now about some of her history in political activism. She says being out there is one of the best protections, because as a general rule, people will protect you if they know who you are. Being “out there” is a good defense; it makes it much harder for people to twist your words or blackmail you.

What does “safe” mean, Susie asks. She’s questioning the terminology and trying to define “safe.”

She says if you are a journalist and say something controversial, you will get flak. She said she kind of wants to shake people’s hands when they say they’ve been threatened on their blog, because it means they are making a difference.

She says sometimes saying someone is making you unsafe is just a way of trying to shut them up. And it’s difficult to speak out about without sounding cruel or callous.

Question from the moderator: are women more likely to get threatened online? Tara is talking about a Pew study that shows girls and women are more likely to experience bullying or threats.

Audience member asks how each of the panelists define cyber-bullying. Susie Bright says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me - or will they?” This is what women experience online that men do not or do only rarely. But she also says women are being encouraged to stay offline because of this fear, and it’s like saying you shouldn’t go out at night. It’s the problem of the bullies, not the women. She says, “Most of these bullies are full of it.”

Audience member brought up Kathy Sierra and couldn’t remember her name. Everyone in the room said, “Kathy Sierra.” If this woman tries to minimalize what happened to Kathy Sierra I’m going to feel like punching her (the audience member, not Kathy Sierra). And yes I am fully aware of the irony there!

People are fucking assholes and it can be a tough spot. I totally agree with Susie that this stuff should not silence women’s voices or prevent us from going online, because it is not OUR problem. Just like rape is not our problem, it’s the rapists’ problem. But on the other hand this stuff REALLY HURTS and more than hurts, it can be downright terrifying, and I really don’t think men understand the way women experience this stuff, as part of the larger culture. Which is why I turn off my ears when men start yapping about “growing a spine” or some shit. Just shut the fuck up, asshole. But anyway, how do we deal with this? I can’t blame Kathy Sierra for what she did. I might have done the same. That shit can be overwhelming. And yet… I feel it is vitally important for women NOT to shut up. ESPECIALLY if it’s controversial and makes people uncomfortable and shakes things up.

Audience member asks where is the line between developing a thicker skin and dealing with active threats that could be damaging to you physically, financially, etc.?
The eternal question.

Ann says, “the line is the law.” Not sure if I agree or not. Will need to think on that some more.

Audience members should use the mic because it’s in Second Life. Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t know a thing about Second Life and I don’t care.

Susie Bright says, when you get a whiff of a troll, block them immediately so you’re not inundated with their bullshit. They thrive on attention.

Susie says a woman was waiting for her in the bathroom with a knife when she spoke at the University of Minnesota one time (not sure when this was). She mentions how absurd it was. (She went with another person to the bathroom, too, btw.) She says she does not regret her activism and she will not stop. Hell yeah!

Good damn question that I wonder about a lot: what are the kids of the “mommy bloggers” going to think when they get old enough to read the blogs? I wonder about that. At a certain point (certain age?) it seems kind of like… exploitation? That’s a loaded word but I can’t think of another one. It’s a tough call. Maybe it’s just the same question as blogging about other people in your life in general.

Statistically your child has a much greater chance of being molested in the grocery store or in church than on MySpace. The media blows it out of proportion.

“Everyone in Second Life… fuck, fuck fuck!!”

Tara is talking about Molly Holszchlag (can never spell it). I love what she does on her blog because she talks about her depression and other stuff right there on the same blog as web standards and Microsoft and stuff. Molly rocks.

“It’s a sign of strength to say, ‘I’m going to say what I want, fuck you.’” - Tara

Susie is talking about the inherent sexism in the fear we feel as women about speaking up. Men are not critiqued for who they go to bed with… this is Women’s Studies 101, she says.

Audience member says handling professional criticism is a walk in the park after dealing with so many trolls. Silver lining!

Here comes the appeal to “what about the children.” I don’t buy it anymore, hardly at all.

Dude is talking about making sure you are comfortable with anyone seeing what you put online. For some reason he is really putting me off because I feel like everyone here knows that already. Thanks for words of wisdom.

Now Susie Bright is saying she believes a lot of the malicious behavior online is motivated by jealousy, and she doesn’t know how to handle that. Ann disagrees and thinks it’s mostly boredom. I think there’s probably some of both, but I can’t really attribute a whole lot of it to just boredom.

Okay this audience member has been talking too long. There’s a line of people behind her waiting to talk. I think the lilt of her voice makes me not absorb anything she’s saying. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Audience member is breastfeeding and unlike at most conferences, no one is going to give her shit about it.

Analee Newitz is speaking up from the audience now. Personal blogging “can bite people in the ass.” She’s talking about how some of us are lucky in that we have lots of options for employment and such, but a lot of people don’t have those options and can’t say, “fuck you, I’ll work somewhere else.” I’m glad someone pointed that out. Because yes, even though this is a problem with the company, the effect is on the particular woman’s life. Ideology is nice and all, but being able to feed your family is nicer.

Now an audience member says she never intended to be a public figure, but after starting her blog, a few months later she was on the front page of the New York Times business section. She said we need to realize that it’s a risk and an opportunity that any one of us could become a public figure overnight. I definitely agree that we have to be aware of that, but I don’t think that should make people stifle or self-censor. Real people have real lives and do real things. Imagine that!

Now a woman who runs a blog called I, Asshole is talking. She is awesome. She talks about how she edits her trollish comments and adds to the end, “Now I must go home and fuck some puppies.”

Susie Bright adds some levity. Yes, we’re all talking about how important it is to stand up and have a thick skin, but it really does hurt when you feel like you’ve been passed over because of something you wrote, or because people might be laughing at you, or whatever. Pink Ghetto, anyone?

Tara says, “We all have inner Gollums.” Let’s stop putting up these facades that say we’re perfect. The world says we’re not allowed to talk about these things, but we all feel this way at some point.

Session is almost over. I’m going to try to get my picture taken with Susie Bright.