Often, more than I let on, in fact, I get this feeling like I’m an impostor or something. Like I don’t quite “fit” in a certain space, and it can manifest as a feeling of others not wanting me there, or as me feeling as if they wouldn’t want me there if they knew certain things about me or heard certain things I would like to say.
This feeling has been a recurring theme throughout my life but I’ve been noticing it cropping up a lot lately.
It’s funny how the perception of a person can be totally different depending on who they’re around. Freshman year of college, I was considered the “bold” and “daring” one among my suitemates. Sophomore year of college, suddenly I was the “quiet” and “buttoned-up” one among my new set of suitemates. Same me, but I fell into a different place on the spectrum based on who I was around.
Being an occasional activist and/or cheerleader for a variety of things has brought this perception-based-on-context phenomenon into sharp focus lately. I can be with one group of activists (side note: I really don’t like the word “activist,” but I can’t think of a better one) and feel like I’m the boring representation of the status quo because I’m not a queer socialist vegan Thelemite POC in a polyamorous BDSM relationship working at a down-on-its-luck NGO. The next day I can be with another group and feel like the outlier because I’m a woman, a feminist, a tech nerd, open about sexuality, relatively kinky in relation to the group of the moment, quick to use the P word (”privilege”) when I feel it’s not being considered, and I don’t feel the need to make disparaging remarks about the queer socialist vegan Thelemite POC.
A few recent examples…
Two other people and I are organizing a local event to observe the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers (that really needs an acronym or abbreviation) on December 17. The other two are sex workers. I admit there have been a few times when I’ve felt like maybe I shouldn’t be involved… do they think I’m co-opting or something? I made a comment at a meeting we had about how I could give a short talk about ways to be an effective ally, and the idea seemed to go over like a lead balloon. Maybe I’m misreading things. But sometimes I feel like “just” an ally… basically, an impostor, poser, or worse, a co-opter. Sex workers’ rights is something I am very passionate about, and you can’t fake that passion and commitment to a cause (and believe me, I’ve tried, with other social or political causes). But recently I’ve started to have an uneasy feeling that sex workers are going to be suspicious of me… like who do I think I am? I’m not a sex worker, so where do I get off trying to advocate for sex workers’ rights? And I feel like if I talk about how I’ve been drawn to sex work for years but never done it, I’ll just make myself look worse.
Another time, in planning a fundraiser for a local non-profit organization, there was this big debate over how much to charge, and people kept talking about how if they charged too much, certain people “in the community” wouldn’t be able to afford it, and we don’t want to shut them out, etc. etc. Finally the decision was made to have a sliding scale and also include the language “no one will be turned away for lack of funds.” I voiced objections to this a couple times, less vehemently than I wanted to; but ultimately I shut my mouth, because it was clear I was in the minority (or was the minority), and I felt like everyone would turn on me as if I were the evil capitalist oppressor of poor people. But I’m sorry, it’s a fundraiser. The whole point is to raise money. I told them I was worried that if we had a sliding scale, people would pay the lowest amount possible, even if they could afford more. And that’s exactly what happened. “No one turned away” is a nice sentiment and all, but for a fundraiser, you kinda need some big spenders if you’re going to raise money for your organization and actually be able to do something to help those people who would be “turned away.” It doesn’t mean you hate poor people, it means you’re trying to get shit done.
Online, I sometimes feel like if I don’t fall in lock-step with certain opinions about feminism and women bloggers and the Oppression Olympics and so on, I’ll be cast out of the pleasure garden and the only explanation for my differing POV has to be privilege, and then people assume a whole lot of things about me that aren’t true, and it makes me think that apparently assumptions are okay sometimes but not other times. Which reminds me of the bullshit about how if you’re a woman who likes porn or certain kinds of sex or you work in the sex industry willingly and enjoy it, the only explanation is that you’re deluded. And I also realize that saying that doesn’t really get across what I mean, because it makes me sound like the white male political bloggers who whine about how they’re discriminated against because they’re white and male and oh isn’t it so hard for them with the reverse sexism ‘n’ all, and that’s not what I’m trying to convey at all… ugh, fuck no.
I’m sure everyone experiences this kind of thing from time to time. Like I said, though, it’s just something I’ve become more acutely aware of lately. Not sure what to do about it, or how to feel surer of myself in certain situations, but I guess I just wanted to put it out there.
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8 Responses to "Belonging"
While I’m not passionate about sex workers’ rights, I can relate to not fitting in.
I just had to remark on the fundraiser item. I’ve been a officer this semester for one of my school clubs. At issues about money and charging people, I’ve been speaking up as a lone voice trying to make sure we were reasonable with our money. No one listened to me. Now, the club is short on funds. However, all I know is I did my best. It’s not my fault I was out voted in the decision. You did the best you could at that fundraiser. However, you’re right. The point is to make money and to do things.
“I’m not a queer socialist vegan Thelemite POC in a polyamorous BDSM relationship working at a down-on-its-luck NGO.”
Wow, sounds like all my Spring 4th friends, heh heh … If it makes you feel any better, I feel the same way you do … I feel like I’ve NEVER fit in ANYWHERE. In high school, of course I didn’t hang with the “jocks” and “preps” b/c I was too weird, but the meanest ppl of all to me were the “weirdos” — the artsy (mostly RICH) kids who wore Ramones shirts and Doc Martens, b/c they thought I was a “poser.”
I was drawn to Thelema years ago b/c I liked the books (Robert Anton Wilson & Crowley). When I got to the “group,” I felt like I really didn’t fit in. For starters, I think worshipping Satan is about the most juvenile, asinine thing under the sun. Then, their music totally sucks. I could go on and on.
Sure, I used to be a sex worker, but it carries a huge stigma. I felt I didn’t fit in with most of the other sex workers I met. A whole group of my supposedly “creative,” musician friends pretty much stopped talking to me when they found out. The “pagans” I knew (the BDSM ppl etc etc), when they found out, assumed I was willing to pay to get into “play” parties/cons/festivals/whatever and fuck for free (which, IMO, is ridiculous — if I wanted to give it away, I wouldn’t be CHARGING).
Amber- I hear ya. I get that feeling a lot myself. I-well- I am not a people person. I can fake it, but I’m not…and part of that is I always feel like the weird one…and not weird in a good way. I have issues with the “straight” friends because I’ma sex worker, I have issues with some sex workers for a whole lotta reasons (everything from age difference to “sex worker strata”), I have issues with my political minded friends cause I’m a libertarian….blah blah blah….I feel ya.
ANd sex workers are a strange lot…not real quick to trust or like people right off the bat. Paranoid by default in many ways.
:-) ((((((()))))))) Now I have Sondheim’s “No One Is Alone” in my head (look it up if you don’t know it, Sondheim is brilliant).
It’s, somehow, twistedly comforting for me to realize that other people feel as other/outside as I generally do. (Apparently this is a rather defining characteristic of INFPs - we frequently feel out of place.)
I’m sure you’re right in thinking that most people feel this way from time to time, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier - particularly when it concerns a community that you feel very much a part of, yet not. (I can relate via the gay community and, oh, the number of gay boys that want me to be a lesbian, so I can truly “belong.” Naturally, were I a lesbian, they probably wouldn’t say two words to me and I wouldn’t *be* me, but that’s another issue.) But…even if I actually embodied the flaming queen that seems to be my identity, I know I’d still feel ostracized in some way. Because everybody does.
Anyway, maybe “advocate” over “activist?”
I’m babbling at 2:20 am. This is me shutting up…
There is nothing wrong with being “just an ally”. Progress is attained by collective voices from various groups who recognize injustice. How many rights would we have if members of the oppressed groups were the only people fighting for change?
As an “outsider”, it’s important to inform your group about your intentions and desire to help; then let them offer the best ways for you to do that. In some cases, they may just want you to listen (which is hard when you are passionate about an issue).
I suspect you do a good job with this. But if you are feeling self-conscious about co-opting you may want to check in with the groups you support again.
Amber, a really interesting take. Yeah, totally ID with you on the outsider idea, which I’m sure you know. I’ve been wondering lately whether to pipe down about my outlying views so I can at least fit in somewhere, but ultimately I always reject this idea– if who I am isn’t acceptable, I’d rather not take my seat at the table.
As for “queer socialist vegan Thelemite POC in a polyamorous BDSM relationship working at a down-on-its-luck NGO,” yup. I’m right there with you in the boring zone in such contexts, but of course I’m some kind of lefty freak at my job.
I love the fact that you are always honest about where you’re coming from, and always able to cogently defend your POV. Likely, there are others who are with you, but less willing to step up.
On the fundraising, again I’m sure you won’t be surprised with this, I’m in your corner. Women and minorities and other disadvantaged groups often want to demonstrate they haven’t sold out, which is great. Obviously, people are lined up waiting for a chance to tell us we have. But one downside to the need to prove that is we sometimes weaken ourselves by self-deprecation.
For example, I mentioned Cupcake Brown recently in a comment on my site. She was a WOC, abused by a caretaker, and became a street hooker and drug dealer among gangs in a dangerous neighborhood. She eventually pulled herself together and now is an attorney at a major law firm, has a book out, and speaks at various events about her life and lessons she can impart based on it. One of the commenters about her book on Amazon was whining about how dare she charge for her speeches, if she’s all about helping people. It was shocking. Now, apparently, if she tries to help herself, she’s a hypocrite. But she never would’ve gotten anywhere with that attitude, and I’m thrilled that she’s making money doing speeches and may have a movie made about her.
Similarly with the fundraising, don’t these workers believe they’re worthy? Then charge money. And yeah, a sliding scale doesn’t work. Demand the same treatment others expect for themselves, you deserve it just as much.
Thanks for the comments everyone. Octogalore, I had a feeling you’d understand. j. brotherlove, asking them about it is a good suggestion; I think I’ll do that… but I’ll wait until after the 17th, as now is not the time to raise potential drama. :P
Thanks again.
Oh and Kim you might want to go back to commenting under your other handle… there’s another Kim who posts ’round these parts sometimes, and it could get confusing! :)
When I was on the board of a local feminist non-profit I struggled with the whole findraising dilema as well. Drove me NUTS! I agree with your take, but it was a definite minority opinion with this group. Rainbows don’t fund our desired programming, dollars do– and if we’re going to accomplish our mission, we need money (and quite a bit of it)! Also, the group insisted we decide on everything by concensus. Try to get 15 people to completely agree on anything! As much as I love what this group was trying to accomplish, I felt like they couldn’t get out of their owned damned way and that I was always beating my head against the wall. That being said, I still send checks to support the cause…
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