Yeah, so if you’re wondering why I’m feeling like throwing in the towel (which I won’t do, but it’s how I’m feeling), it’s because I’ve been treated like day-old shit by people I care(d?) about and who I thought cared about me. I no longer feel welcome in many of the online spaces I considered “safe.” I probably won’t be commenting hardly anywhere anymore (and already my commenting was low, due to reading most blogs via RSS). There are two blogs where I explicitly know that I am still welcome, but the others? Nope. Not bothering.
You know what, it is not easy for me to trust people. Some pretty major things have happened in my life, that not a lot of people know about (what?? I don’t blog about everything that’s ever happened in my life??) that have made it very difficult for me to trust people - because too often I have trusted and then had that trust utterly smashed to shit, thrown in my face and been made a fool of. Another thing I HATE is double standards. And I don’t play nice when people fuck with my trust and try to impose arbitrary standards. I get angry, and yeah, I’m a Scorpio, so I can hold a grudge. And I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. It keeps me smart.
There’s been offline/IRL shit going on too, and like Jenny mentioned in a comment on another post, most of it has been unbloggable, for months now. This latest stupid fucking drama bullshit (which technically I could blog about, but for reasons unknown I’m trying to take the high road) is just the latest in a litany of crap and it’s The Proverbial Straw, as they say.
I’ll probably be pruning the blogroll. Oh, and whenever I do write blog posts, I’m going to write about what I want - the issues that matter to ME. I don’t want anyone telling me what they think I SHOULD be blogging about. Get your own blog.
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13 Responses to "Ranty time"
Sorry to hear about people turning on you. The trouble with trusting people has become a theme for me this year.
Yep. Well…I’ll try to comment in a way that’s about you and not me, but a board I’m on and generally value has been hashing it out over the concept of social capital lately. I don’t have a lot — nor do I want it. But it’s a simple and ugly fact that social capital is the positive side of the age-old ugly phenomenon of social aggregation. In other words, it’s about being perceived as in with some and out with others, and sometimes it’s easiest to display your in-ness by specifically delineating others to be out. And over time those who are out are generally those who make others uncomfortable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing — people should feel uncomfortable when they feel threatened by someone because they don’t agree with them, and some people should feel downright ashamed that they feel uncomfortable merely when confronted by people who are demographically different than they are. (I am speaking of a blog we both visit here, but it’s not a unique phenomenon when you have two X chromosomes.) What really has gotten to me at times, though, is how often that demographic plays out in places that we consider safe, which we have self-selected to be filled with people with whom we have affinities and shared history.
So, um, I guess that’s not very comforting. But I find it comforting to remember that no place is really that safe, and all friendships and affinities are somewhat subject to forces beyond our control.
P.S. Don’t frickin’ prune me, please.
*clap clap clap*
Very well said.
Don’t throw in the towel. You’re always welcome chez moi.
I don’t know any of the details behind this, but I’m gandering a guess this involves girl-on-girl meanness. I can think of no crueler force on this earth. (Mental cruelty, that is)
I’m not just saying this because I consider you to be a friend - I’m saying it because it’s true. When you blog, when you are really writing your own thoughts, you are one of the reasons people should actually write blogs. You are a great writer. You should write. And fuck anyone who gives you any lip about anything you have to say. Assholes are everywhere, but people like you are not a dime a dozen.
If your blog goes dark or underground, please throw me a candle. I haven’t been able to stop by as often as I’d like, but coming here has never been dull or upsetting or uninspiring. Like others have already said, I hate that this has become so frustrating for you. I know what it was when I was involved in internet drama. I think I can sympathize, especially when the lines between off- and on- line blur, and then when in the end, you cannot say anything on the one about the other. I know you’ve long had a personal struggle with self-censorship, in a way it’s like admitting their power over you is total.
Those of us who appreciate you, Amber, would miss you were you to leave, though we may have other ways of checking in, meeting up, and sharing talk with you.
Sorry to hear about your irl difficulties, I just hope your feeling doesn’t mainfest itself in a lack of postage. As I’ve had too say to too many progressive blogs lately, at the time when the right is still on the march; socialist and feminist blogs are needed all the more.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It means a lot.
I’m still trying to figure out how/when to best blog about this latest batch of goddamn drama. I do not like feeling as if there are things I *can’t say* and other assorted bullshit. But I’m also still licking my wounds… so we’ll see.
You’re always welcome in my neck of the woods… if I ever actually, you know, blogged.
And you’re always welcome on my little spot on the Web. I love it when you come over — it’s flattering. Heck, I often write posts wondering if I’m going to get Ambered or not.
There are people rooting for you.
XX
Thanks, Dylan and Amanda.
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