Dragged down
Today I met somebody for coffee to talk about how the non-profit where she works can start incorporating sex workers’ rights into its programming. (Please excuse that grammatical mess of a sentence.) As we talked about all the challenges and roadblocks and the mountains of pre-conceived notions that have to be torn away, I just felt like it was all too much. As we talked about the difficulties in organizing sex workers in Atlanta (because there’s not a cohesive movement here like in some cities) I felt powerless, because the fact is, I can’t be at the forefront of some grass-roots organizing effort to start a new group or coalition focused on sex workers’ rights. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I have a full-time job, and am already involved with several side projects… and as much as I want to see a strong sex workers’ rights movement grow in Atlanta, I simply cannot be the one behind the wheel.
I don’t think I should be, anyway, because I think such a group/movement/whatever should be led by current or former sex workers. But I still feel like, you know, if I want this so badly and feel so strongly about it, then why am I not out there pounding the pavement for social justice and such?
Well, I’ll be honest. I really don’t have the stomach for it. I actually used the phrase “intestinal fortitude” today, but it is apt; I just can’t bear all the negativity and roadblocks and hurdles that stand in the way and can seem insurmountable. It’s all part of me being too sensitive, and I cannot help but empathize in a way that, really, goes beyond empathy and into subsuming the other person’s sadness, confusion, and anger. It’s why I could never be a social worker. I have a friend who used to work with young kids in abusive homes, and I was awed at her ability to do that work without wanting to kill herself every night. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would want to ensure the safety of every child, right now, and would agonize over my failure when I couldn’t do it.
I don’t know. I think I might need to take a break from “activism.” I’ve been asked to consider being on the board of another local organization, and while I’m flattered, I just don’t know if it’s healthy for me right now.
And I feel the same way about blogging, recently. Not about the activity on a conceptual level or anything; as far as that goes, I do and always will think blogging is completely awesome. I’m talking about its role for me. I’ve already stopped reading quite a few blogs that used to be regular haunts of mine, but I think I’m going to have to cut out even more.
Today I was telling the girl I met for coffee about how I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, like there was so much more I could or should be doing. She kept saying how I’ve done plenty already, more than my share. She’s not the only person who’s said that to me. Again, I’m flattered on one level, but… I wish I could believe it. Maybe it’s just another manifestation of me being my own worst critic, but I honestly do not see myself as having done “plenty.” And it’s a constant struggle of feeling compelled to do more, versus feeling immobilized and just not wanting to, because it all seems too damn hard.
I’m not really an activist; I just play one from time to time. I do not have the thick skin and strong stomach to be a real activist.
On a vaguely related note, one thing is certain… after Sex 2.0, my conference-organizing days are over for a long time. I promised myself I was going to delegate with this in the way I didn’t with PodCamp; but I’ve tried, and the results have been less than stellar. And while I know without a doubt that Sex 2.0 will be a great event, I feel a little beat down.
Update: Wow, I was really tired when I wrote this. Just read it again and noticed I’d written “Please include that grammatical mess of a sentence” instead of “Please excuse…” Yeesh.
Do what’s right for you, M@ber. It’s all anyone can ask of you.
A person’s share should be based on their ability to make the effort. It sounds as though you’ve reached the limits of your ability, so yes – you’ve done your bit, and now it’s someone else’s turn to face the “negativity and roadblocks and hurdles”. And after all, you can cheer from the sidelines and that helps, too.
Take a break, and come back once you’re ready to take on the world again!
I have this theory…one needs to take care of themselves first, and even the most dogged activist deserves liberal doses of that thing known as FUN. Why, I’d even say they were entitled to it.
You’ve done a lot already. No one’s going to hold fire to your feet to make you do more. Maybe with a few months off, you’ll feel a need to get involved again. (Don’t stop blogging, though!)
I do wish there would be another Sex2.0 conference since I’m going to miss this one!
The reason we feel like we haven’t done enough is because positive change hasn’t happened yet. That’s going to take a while and requires a lot of energy from everyone. And like Snowdrop said, just offering emotional support to those who are facing the negativity means a lot. That’s doing something even if it’s not obvious to the outside world.
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