Being Amber Rhea

I am pissed off. And sad. At first I wasn’t even going to write anything tonight, because as I told Rusty earlier before he went to bed, I don’t like people who complain all the time, and I don’t like complaining all the time. I don’t like getting mired in negativity, especially when i know there is so much good stuff out there I should be focusing on. And yet, at what point does not dwelling on negativity become flat-out denial? I’m trying to be healthy. But maybe I’m going to the other extreme. Because sometimes it all hits me at once and I feel overwhelmed, like tonight, and honestly it’s a miracle that I didn’t cry when Rusty and I were talking earlier. I cry so easily. It’s always been something about myself that I’ve been embarrassed about. I cry at the least opportune moments, and I think it makes me look weak.

The whole reason I started my blog, back in April 2002, was to just talk about my life. Anything I wanted. Important stuff, silly stuff, random stuff, anything. My thoughts, opinions, etc. And for several years I never felt like I had to so carefully choose my words (well except re: stuff like the situation w/ my ex when all that was going down, but that’s a different kind of thing altogether). And now I feel like I can’t even right about THIS without people basically going, oh, boo-hoo, look at her, feeling sorry for herself, she thinks she’s got it so bad, well what about the limbless migrant workers in Mexico (or whatever), she has it so good compared to them…

Of course I do!

But Jesus! This blog is about ME! Or at least it’s supposed to be! And I’m not supposed to feel badly for writing about MY SHIT in MY SPACE (but not MySpace, ya understand; har har). And all the time I hear that echo in the back of my mind, from all those years ago… “Selfish! You’re so selfish! You think you have it so bad? A lot of people have it much worse that you! Stop being so selfish! And stop being so sensitive!”

I think I go in cycles, because for a few years there I thought I’d really gotten over and moved past that shit. But maybe you really never do get over it. An online friend emailed a week or so ago and mentioned things reopening old wounds. Maybe that’s what happened here.

And now I feel like nothing I can say will be right. And I just want to say FUCK IT! And yet another part of me wants to eternally explain, because if I could only explain clearly enough, surely everyone would understand, right? Except, no, they wouldn’t. Because they’re them and I’m me and never the twain shall meet.

I told Rusty the Sex 2.0 stuff is wearing me down. Once again I have done what I always do - pick up other people’s slack, and as usual, it’s taking its toll on me. I said from the beginning that I needed a lot of help on this, and yet, I haven’t gotten it; and so, what did I do? Suck it up and do it myself. Because otherwise the conference wouldn’t happen, and that would be MY fault.

I really do think Sex 2.0 is going to be a lot of fun and really interesting, but all the bullshit surrounding it lately (venue, money, etc.) is really dragging me down.

And then there’s the whole Creative Loafing thing, and the Midtown people (same shit-heads who shut down our Sex 2.0 venue), and all the people who are so hateful to sex workers… I want to help make good things happen, but I feel sometimes like nothign changes, no one listens. It’s so discouraging. I’m trying so hard. And for what?

There’s also shit going on w/ my family that I haven’t written about here, but is really weighing on me. Now that stuff, I don’t feel the same kind of bad oppressiveness of not being able to say what I want. The stuff I was writing about above is BLOG DRAMA… just look at the “Summation” post and you’ll get a hint of the massive headfuck of it all.

(And also, I’m afraid I might sound like the guys who act like assholes in feminist spaces. I don’t want to sound like those guys!! I can’t stand those guys!)

I *have* been tempted to write about some of the stuff w/ my family. but then I stop, because I know my mom reads this, at least once in a while, no matter what she might say to the contrary. It’s always in her browser history when I go to Augusta. I don’t really mind if she reads it, I just wish she woudln’t pretend like she doesn’t. I wish we could relate more on an adult level. We’ve made progress in the past several years, but… god, I’m 28 years old, isn’t it time to REALLY act like one adult talking to another?

Anyway, I have to admit, that there HAS been a lot of shit going on and it’s just all getting to be a bit much. THings have just been rough. But, also, I want to say, *everything* hasn’t been bad. I’m so fortunate to be with Rusty. I love him so much, and him being in my life makes everything about 100 times better - he even makes the already-awesome stuff 100 times better!

I am also thankful for Jenny, and I’m glad we’ve been chatting on GTalk, even though sometimes I have to sign off hastily because I can’t multi-task very well at work. She understands me and I trust her completely. She is awesome. (And I am so happy that she has a blog now… it cracks me up. I won’t link to it though, ’cause she might act all weird about that!)

So, yeah, there’s shit. But there’s also good. I don’t know what to do… I feel pulled in a ton of directons. I hope my new shrink will help me get some calmness in my life, but I’m not going to keep going to her if my insurance claims don’t go through. :p Why can’t they file insurance for you? I dont’ want to file my own fucking insurance, I’m sure I missed some tiny little checkbox and now they’re not going to reimburse me the hundred bucks.

Anyway. I should stop. This is totally stream of consciousness ranting, and I should probably break it up w/ a “more” link, but I’m not. I’m even resisting the urge to read back through it for typos and such. I still don’t feel like I’ve said everything, but at least I’ve said something. Hopefully soon I’ll be sleepy enough to climb into bed next to Rusty.