Being Amber Rhea

I used to keep a “secret blog,” whose existence was revealed to only a handful of people, wherein I gave everyone pseudonyms and wrote about exciting things like the gory details of my sex life, and boring things like the gory details of job interviews.

The last time I posted to that blog was November 2006. It served its purpose when I needed it. I haven’t deleted it, because who knows, maybe sometime in the future I’ll need it again. But I was going back and looking at some of the old posts, and realizing that they do chronicle a very significant time in my life. This one in particular, I just thought was so sweet that I wanted to post it here.

Fair warning: if you’re going to be weirded out by X-rated language explicitly describing acts of fornication by people you know (read: me and Rusty), and/or if you’re my mom, don’t read below the cut. If either of those descriptions apply to you and you choose to read anyway, well, your reaction is your responsibility, not mine. Don’t act weird.

[Originally posted October 31, 2005]

So, yesterday was my birthday, and it was a good one. A really good one, in fact.

It started off with Rusty making me breakfast in bed. After some lying around on our asses, I opened my presents - which included a gift certificate (from Rusty) for a one-hour massage.

We went to lunch, and then drove around the city taking pictures of various things. (What can I say, I like to photograph damn near everything.) It was a beautiful fall day. After a while we found ourselves in the sparsely populated northwestern part of the city. We drove down a side road, kicked on the 4-wheel-drive on Rusty’s big redneck truck, and drove into the middle of a field. Rusty parked the truck so that it was partially concealed by some overgrowth. I had worn a skirt for the occasion; the goal was to stay basically fully clothed. Rusty undid his pants and I climbed on top of him, maneuvering as carefully as possible in the cramped cab.

(I’m tired and not feeling very eloquent right now; I know the writing here isn’t very exciting. But I wanted to at least get something written about this, while the memory is new.) Fucking in the cab of his truck, parked in the middle of a field, with the sunlight coming in through the windows… it was amazing. Rusty got that same look on his face that he got during the ultimate quickie on the couch a few weeks ago. So hot. Later he told me that the juxtaposition was great - the sun was in my hair and I looked so pretty (swoon!) and the imagery was so wholesome - oh, except that I just happened to be riding his cock at the same time. Amazingly we both got an orgasm out of this public fornication before the sunlight became too hot and we reclined on the seat in each other’s arms. We lay there for a long time, just feeling peaceful and happy. Then he said, “I hope it doesn’t make you nervous if I tell you that I love you.” Well, I just about lost it. I seriously almost started bawling like a schoolgirl. I told him that no, it doesn’t make me nervous at all, and that I felt the same way and had been wanting to say so for awhile, but after everything that happened with my now-defunct marriage, I’m just eternally wary, and I had been too scared to risk saying it and him not feeling the same. He said he’d been wanting to say it for a while too. Goddamn, this is all so fucking sappy. Sorry…. but that’s how it happened.

So that was awesome. Talk about a good birthday present. I admit that there’s still a part of me that’s reticent to let myself get “swept away” or whatever - and I don’t think that’s completely a bad thing, I’m older and wiser now and I know better than to just go plunging headfirst into the first thing that comes along - but as I said when I was chatting with Niki earlier, at a certain point you also just have to take the risk of letting yourself enjoy things. Otherwise, you’re just stuck in a cycle of protecting yourself. (That sentence was Niki’s words of wisdom.) When that’s the case, you won’t get hurt, but you won’t experience anything really wonderful either. I’m still kind of scared to give myself over completely to this feeling of happiness in this relationship… but I guess I just need to go for it. I know life is not without pain. But it shouldn’t be without joy, either.

Anyway… back to the birthday… that night there was a dinner with 6 friends. It was great to see everybody… it was a really good time. I think the only thing that could’ve made it better would be if Jenny and Niki had been there.

Well, I am very tired, so I’m going to stop for now. I know this isn’t very well-written, but like I said, I just wanted to get it all out here, even in a very rough form. I might write more later, and put some actual thought into the format. Or I might just write more details about the tryst in the truck. We shall see!