Octogalore is back in the blogging game after a hiatus, and one line in particular from her post today resonated with me:
“Often, as women, we leave ourselves last in our efforts to be about everything.”
I don’t identify with the entire post, but that line really struck me. I’m just going to repost what I said in a comment there…
This is something I struggle with a lot. And I think it’s partly due to how women are socialized: as caretakers. We are socialized to put others’ needs ahead of our own, and told this is a virtue. And when you’ve been getting that message from day 1, it’s pretty damn hard to resist.
But I try. I push back against those feelings that tell me I’m selfish if I take care of myself or if I don’t donate to every cause or volunteer on every committee or whatever.
And to be honest this is why I had to take a step back from certain corners of the blogosphere. It was making me feel too guilty, reading about all these causes I wasn’t involved in, and the not so subtle undertone of being a bad person if I wasn’t vocal for every cause out there.
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This part is true too, and I get pissed off at how it’s supposedly so “hypocritical” to point out the glaringly obvious… well, hypocritical from a male liberal definition, of course. It’s funny (not ha-ha funny) how quickly the mask comes off, isn’t it?
How many guys do you know in 2-income households who are doing maybe 10-30% of the household/childcare work and don’t feel concerned in the slightest? Or, how many guys feel like if they are making money and changing the occasional diaper or attending the occasional Little League game, they don’t need to keep themselves in shape? Guys who wear your bra size but look pityingly at your miked Lean Cuisine? OK, you can stop counting now.
Mm-hmm. Now somebody will come out of the woodwork and tell me I’m being antithetical to feminism and a reverse sexist, and this is why they call themselves a humanist not a feminist, and blah blah.
But it’s true. And we’ve gotta keep pushing against that shit so it’s NOT the norm. Not that guys should feel über-stressed all the time either. But it’s not fair to have different expectations for men and women parents. That’s called a double standard, after all.
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4 Responses to "Never enough"
Sad that so many “liberal” guys behave so hypocritically.
I know I’m no saint, but Jenn and I are partners and she can (and does) let me know if/when I’m shirking on my 50% of that deal.
Raising a girl is hard too. We’re really trying to see our daughter (5 next month) for her person(ality) first and her gender second, but it’s hard to do. Same thing for our 8-month-old son.
I really appreciate your blogging so consistently about topics like this. I barely have time/energy for one post a day but I always find new things to consider here.
:-)
The passage about “leaving ourselves last in our efforts to be about everything” resonates strongly with me. In particular, the feeling of guilt because of putting myself first, even when I needed to.
It may be slightly different for me as a man, because a man is supposed to be able to do everything and “not be weak”, which is different from “not be selfish” (even though the upshot is sometimes the same - “don’t spend time on yourself”). But I think because of the way I was brought up by my parents, the guilt of “being selfish” is a real factor for me personally.
Thanks for the compliment, Seth. That’s nice to hear. I’m glad I’m not just shouting into the wind. :)
And yeah, the whole “equal partnership” thing has to be more than just lip service.
Thanks, Amber!
I won’t be one of those calling you a “reverse sexist” (but you already knew that). Equal standards is hardly reverse sexism (hey, they expect us to have boobs, we expect them not to — fair, right?).
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