Figleaf has been sayin’, too.
Anyway, SnowdropExplodes makes an excellent (yet rather common sense) point, re: a discussion about what a “feminist relationship” looks like:
One thing that, as a guy who’s learnt enough skills to be able to contribute properly around the home (cooking/kitchen work especially, also laundry and ironing shirts - not so much tidying and hoovering, despite my best efforts to improve my skills there) - one of the big “red flag” things for me was when a woman observed me contributing in a place where I’m living (it was usually when I was living at my parents’ home) and says within my earshot to my mother (or some other female acquaintance of mine), “I see you’ve got him well house-trained”. Sometimes it’s even been said to my face. It’s a different effect when men say something similar, because they’re just likening me to a woman (since I believe women are equal to men, I don’t have a big issue with that to take personal affront - although I might very well speak up to say that everything I do is manly, because I am a man!) When a woman says it, it not only affirms the patriarchal gender roles, but is also a direct belittling of my choices, and says that I do not deserve respect because of it. Whether she identifies as feminist or not, that’s not going to fly with me as a statement of gender equality or egalitarian living.
Viewing men as needing to be trained, tamed and/or “made acceptable”, almost as if we are animals, is not feminism. It’s gender essentialism and legitimises the “boys will be boys” approach.
Of course, we have learned that “common sense” is not always quite so common.
Seems pretty obvious to me: not expecting each partner in a relationship to do 50% of the work (assuming both are in good health, and related caveats) is, well, pretty damn insulting to that partner. Kind of makes you shake your head at all the MRAs who whine about “ball-busting feminazis” and whatever else they say… they’re not exactly setting a high bar for their own gender, are they?
“You’re doing it wrong.”
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6 Responses to "I been sayin’"
It seems to me that acknowledging someone behaving outside of traditional patriarchal gender roles is a good first step to eliminating said roles. Would it not be more productive to harness that acknowledgment and caress it into positive reinforcement rather than write the person off as being out-of-touch with regard to gender equality?
I agree that poking fun or referring to a man who does housework as “well-trained” may seem counter-productive in the philosophical argument about gender roles, but I also think referring to this notion as common sense is a little ambitious. I wouldn’t have even considered it until I read this post, not that that’s saying much.
Speaking as someone who has been married for almost 9 years and living together for almost 13, it’s a losing effort not to tag-team/split things 50-50.
Which is not to say we both equally do *all* forms of housework, but if I’m doing dishes or cooking and she’s doing laundry or vacuuming, things run much smoother.
I’m just sayin’
;-)
Tony,
Well see I think it’s worth questioning why so many people don’t see it as common sense. That’s part of the process.
I absolutely stand by the assertion that poking fun at a man who does housework is totally non-productive and stupid.
Seth,
Yep!
And speaking for myself it drives me crazy as well. Thing is that *if* I’m doing my share of the work I don’t want to hear about it one way or the other — no “good boys,” no “well trained,” no “pussy whipped,” *nothing!* Because there’s nothing more patronizing than being praised for doing the expected.
You wanna know what *really* drives me crazy though? That damn “porn for women” series from the “Cambridge Women’s Pornography Collective” or whatever they call themselves and that’s because, in large part, out of all the partners I’ve ever had, all the roommates, all the prospective dates, as far as I know not one, ever, never, nowhere was the least bit turned on by men doing housework. (More to the point, that’s a genuinely *crappy* reason to do housework!)
Great post, Amber,
figleaf
p.s. I’ve switched to my backup url and email address to see if that unfoxes your spam filter.
p.p.s. I’m *still* awesomely sorry I can’t attend sex 2.0! Oh wow am I just sorry about that.
Oh, god, that “porn for women” book… yeah, you can imagine how that went over with me. Lead balloon? Check.
And, looks like your Blogspot URL passes the spam filter! Yay! I just wish the guy who wrote Akismet With Whitelist would update it to work with newer versions of Wordpress.
Thanks muchly for the linkage and boost to my self-image - sometimes I wonder if I really am talking (common) sense or not!
I do like to be praised for a job well done, but that’s just the same as saying “what a lovely meal that was”, after an especially fine dinner - i.e. nothing special. But things like ironing a shirt or hanging the laundry, it’s just a task that needs to be done adequately, and if you need to be praised just for that, there’s something wrong (and if you’re keeping count to make certain it’s 50-50, then there’s still something wrong - but maybe that’s a thought for the future)
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