It’s been very interesting reading people’s definitions of kinky. (Keep ‘em coming!) The definitions are varied, but most of the commenters so far at least seem to agree that “kinky” is subjective.
What fascinates me, though, is that there does seem to be some concept of a generally-accepted meaning of the word, nebulous though it may be when you actually try to pin it down. But when people make your garden-variety stupid “oh, so-and-so is into the kinky stuff!” joke, there seems to be at least a general understanding of what that refers to. (Or not? Am I totally off base here? This is the impression I get.)
Maybe it’s pointless to try to reconcile individual’s personal definitions of/ruminations on the word with a larger cultural meaning, but this stuff fascinates me. I guess it’s the linguistics nerd in me.
I feel like in general, “kinky” is taken to mean “weird,” but “weird” includes stuff that actually isn’t weird by a lot of people’s standards, when you actually ask them. Which is why I think this general definition comes from a cultural level, which can be slower to change than the minds of individuals.
Am I making any sense here? I’m making sense to myself, but I feel like I’m probably making no sense whatsoever to anyone else.
Anyway, I’ll move right along and talk about what kinky means to me. Honestly, when I hear the word “kinky” or that someone is “into kink” or that a place is “kink-friendly” or whatever, I think of BDSM. I wonder how many other people equate kink and BDSM to some degree? I think I do it because I know quite a few people who are into BDSM to some degree and they do tend to use the terms interchangeably - or at least that’s how it appears to me, as a non-BDSMer looking in.
So to my mind, “kinky” tends to involve some or all of the following: leather, corsets, elaborate costumes, various props, bondage, domination/submission, safe words, not necessarily any actual fucking, most likely the term “scene,” and possibly the term “aftercare.”
It seems like in the thread where people were offering definitions, a lot of people were defining kinky the way I’d define sex-positive. I have to admit when I hear about kink this or kink-friendly that, sometimes a little red flag goes up, and I wonder if this is going to be my scene (ha!) or not. Look, I have nothing against BDSM and all that stuff; some of my best friends, an’ all. I’m just not into it. As a friend who shall remain nameless (unless s/he chooses to self-identify!) said about first learning about BDSM: “When’s the part where you have sex?” That’s basically how I feel about it. The whole dom/sub thing, and the props and the costumes and whatnot, does absolutely nothing for me. Now, I certainly like handcuffs from time to time, or being smacked on the ass with a belt, and other assorted fun stuff. But there’s usually fucking going on at the same time… I guess that’s the kicker for me.
Now before any of my BDSM-loving blog associates read this and get all worked up because I’m attacking your preferences - hey, you don’t have to. ‘Cause I’m not. Whatever anyone is into is awesome, for them! To my mind, the most important thing is for people to have the kind of sex they enjoy, and - I’ll borrow a phrase from the BDSM crowd here - to always be safe, sane, and consensual.
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16 Responses to "What’s kinky, indeed"
This is great! I’m far to lazy t type out all my thoughts on this topic so I recorded a brief audio podcast as a reply.
http://tinyurl.com/6fzz4r
Heh. Speaking as one of the BDSMers that reads your blog, things that make no sense to me in that context whatsoever: scene, roleplay, props, costuming.
The whole costume role-play thing always stuck me as rather silly, but i do love a good corset.
Rootie,
I think role-playing is fun from time to time, but only to a point. That’s probably because I was never a good actress anyway and have trouble staying in character without laughing.
most of the commenters so far at least seem to agree that “kinky†is subjective.
There are very few things in sexuality that are not subjective.
There are very few things in sexuality that are not subjective.
There are few things in words that are not subjective. Sorry, linguistics nerd in *me* emerging.
Re: the general cultural definition vs. the more specific, personal, subjective ones - I think I get what you’re trying to say and can totally relate to your reaction to the terms “kink friendly” etc…it’s like “kink”, with its original, broad intention of “outside mainstream practices/assumptions”, has become increasingly limited in scope of meaning to refer only to a certain classification.
Which leaves individuals who don’t quite feel like “vanilla” fits, but who aren’t really into BDSM without a word. Personally, I find that frustrating, and in a broader cultural sense it feels kinda marginalizing again - creation of dichotomies and oversimplification makes hierarchy easier.
I always find it a bit odd when people try to define what is and isn’t kink, or what is and isn’t BDSM. Part of the appeal for me is the lack of those boundaries! Sometimes what I’m doing involves sex, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends what, when, how and with whom.
Perhaps that’s just me.
Totally agree, Purtek - and this is something I’ve been frustrated with on many occasions, but it can be difficult to talk about because when it comes to sexuality (esp. “outside the norm” sexuality), people are understandably on tenterhooks bc of the barrage of shaming, judging, etc. we get from the - for lack of a better term - “mainstream” culture.
So I feel like whenever I’ve tried to express my frustration that it seems like the only acceptable/accessible/available spaces to express sex-positive, open, non-repressed sexuality involve BDSM or whatever, I tend to get a lot of fairly hostile responses where people are offended than I’m attacking their sexuality. Except, I’m absolutely not attacking their sexuality; I’m just saying that all of us should be able to access safe, sane, consensual sexual expression in the ways we prefer.
E.g., one thing I’ve said before in frustration is, “God, why can’t there be a sex party that’s SEX, not all the leather and theatrics??”
may want to look into orgies :)
Being a regular host/attendee of orgies I’ve found that a good ’sex-positive’ orgy is vastly different from the frat boy mentality of what an orgy is as well as being different from the ‘piggie-pile’ orgies seen on video.
3-4 times a year I host sex-positive orgies both in DC and NYC and while there is some play (BDSM) going on they are much more about social gathering, social fucking and social sexuality.
Even the term ‘orgy’ has started to fall out of favor due to it’s negative connotations of free-for-all fucking.
Yeah, the term “orgy” kind of makes me laugh. I’ve been to one orgy I mean sex party and it was pretty good - all of the stuff I wanted, none I didn’t. But the $64,000 question is tracking ‘em down in one’s hometown, with no creepy people present. *le sigh*
totally agree. There was one local I used to attend then it got creepy, that’s when I started hosting my own.
I agree ‘orgy’ is totally a sketch word, almost as bad a ’swinger’ - but that is for another article :)
Ha, yes, that totally IS another post for another time! I’ve been meaning to write about my irritation with “swingers” (and even worse, “the lifestyle”) for a while now. Stay tuned!
Went to a panel discussion at the Center for Sex and Culture in SF the other night - a retrospective on sex parties with 2 generations of sex party organizers… same feeling of “we started our own because we didnt quite get the swinger thing….” to paraphrase of course. Although there was a kudo thrown to the swingers at the end - they give great workshops on communication, knowing what you want etc. (so it was said - I do not know enough myself). It was a wonderful discussion…
i thought about it,and while is true that my mind makes the jump kinky= BDSM,that’s not what i believe.
i had a lover that wanted me to urinate on him,but found the whole BDSM concept disturbing.
i dated a retifist ,he masturbated with shoes,but was not into any of the aspect of BDSM.
Where these men kinky? No doubt about it,but they were not interested in BDSM.
Came here in a google search looking for a definition of Kink. (In specific, some statement from someone other than myself that Being Offended By Disgusting Things is in itself a paraphellia. - Or in other words, the social expression of the truism that “Pornography can be considered to be whatever gives a judge an erection.”
However, it seems that the term Kink alone fares no better. For lack of any great insight, allow me to present the obvious punchline:
Oh, and what do I see at the bottom of the page here, chica?
eggzactly.
[...] an interested question to her readers to define what ‘kink is to them’. She then wrote this article in [...]