Quote of the morning
Ren gave me kudos for engaging on this thread; and frankly, I surprised myself by having the stomach for it.
Quote of the morning goes to Ren, commenting about this particular installation of hand-wringing. (It was hard not to quote her entire post!)
MAYBE for people with kinks or rougher preferences feminist sex includes being aware enough of what they like to ASK for it, do it, enjoy it, explore it WITH other CONSENTING ADULTS! Wow! There’s a fucking thought…
I’ll tell you what, I think the woman who has the spine to tell her partner “I want you to pin me down, choke me, fuck the hell out of me and call me names” is a hell of a lot more empowered sexually than the vanilla woman who lays there and thinks of England rather than telling her partner amid sex what she really wants…no matter what that is. The woman who says “tonight, you’re going to fuck me like an animal, and tomorrow, I’m gonna fuck you like an animal” is light years ahead of the woman too ashamed or afraid to say that. The woman who tells her partner she wants to tie them up, do them with a strap on, and smack them around is better off that the woman who takes what she is given because she is ashamed to mention she’d like to do that.
And I sure as fuck want everyone to examine why they think they can tell other adult consenting people how to fuck or that they are doing it wrong and why they feel they can shame them for it.
I’ll have more to say about this later, when I get a free moment.
But isn’t describing the woman as “vanilla” and telling her she has boring, missionary sex.. telling another consenting adult how to fuck or how she’s doing it wrong?
I don’t love the word “vanilla,” especially when it’s used in a derogatory way. However in the case of what Ren said above, I didn’t read it as judgmental/whatever, I read it as talking about how much it sucks when women DON’T ask for what they want. If what she WANTS is “boring” sex then okay, but the implication is she doesn[‘t.
I think her intentions were well-meaning, that women should speak up for what they want. But it just sounded.. “I have a wild sex and anyone who doesn’t is vanilla.” which is just as judgmental as “Anyone who does S&M is dirty.” I know we agree on this, I guess I just had a problem with the language.
Feminism should always be about having the choice, not about whether someone’s choices are bad, wrong, whatever. (Which is why it was so ridiculous when I said, “Feminism isn’t about staying home and having babies.” but hey, if that’s what you want, it’s what you want.) Sorry for the side bar there..
Yeah, that might be how it sounded but I don’t think that was the meaning. Personally I didn’t read it that way at all, but I can see how on a cursory reading you could get that meaning.
I have come across a few kinky feminists in my endeavors and must say that my VERY unscientific polling has found that they can be some of the most amazing sex partners, while also being some of the most annoying relationships. The inner conflict is irritating to me. Having to defend my sexuality during those periods when they are re-evaluating their personal\political stance gets old fast. Sure, I often check myself on who I am, what I want, where am I going, etc… But I don’t project my inadequacies on someone else. I don’t go for the idea that my sexual proclivities toward Dom\sub relationships are solely the result of a matriarchy in my family that emasculated the men around me. At some point, OWN your sexual self and be at peace with it! If not, stay the hell away from sex with others until you get your shit worked out…
Jen:
join the line of people who have issue with my language. I am, in fact, all for people having sex any way they want; kinky, rough, vanilla, only when married, with the same sex, with the opposite sex, or not at all…so long as they do it with consenting people. I should have used the word “missionary…” In fact, I’ll make that edit!
Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it. Who could possibly think they had the right to take that away from you?