Yay! I am absolutely loving this post from the F-Word Blog. An excerpt:
If you want to be an ally, you have to stop focusing on people just like you. You have to realise that some people just like you will do very bad things, and many people like you will do all manner of small but significant things that harm women (and other people, but we’re focusing on feminism here). If you don’t interrupt the boys’ club mentality, where you are willing to first defend other men, without examining whether they may be responsible for inflicting harm, you are perpetuating it and defending misogyny. Also, do not derail the topic to defend the poor men who are innocent, when the topic is not about innocent men who don’t perpetrate whatever crime against women. We’re not talking about innocent men, and you don’t need to remind us every five minutes that they do exist, particularly when we need to worry about all the men who do harm women. Men who walk free and make us fear for our lives. I cannot emphasise this enough. Talk about innocent men has no place in a thread about men responsible for misogyny.
The problem is, as a privileged group which isn’t used to hostility, it feels as if any criticism is personal. That anything directed at men means that we are criticising all men, no matter how wonderful they are. We are not, and every time you think this is the case, check yourself. Feminists have brothers, fathers, boyfriends and male friends and are sometimes even men. We know perfectly well that not all men are responsible for a problem. But we also know that if men don’t own their role in this, things won’t get better.
And as for men who want to throw up their hands and not bother, because it’s too much work to have to “prove themselves?”* I say, WTF; and, I do not want to be around you. Any movement for positive social change needs allies in order to grow, thrive, and function more effectively, for precisely the reason that there are a lot of privileged people out there who won’t listen to members of the group in question. The part of the post that talks about how misogynists are immune to feminist criticism is spot-on; because they don’t care. They don’t take us seriously. They don’t see us as being on the same level as them, or even worth considering. We might as well be talking to a brick wall (and yeah, some of ‘em are just as thick!). At best they will laugh at us, at worst they will physically harm us.
So it’s essential for men to talk to other men about feminism. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if you don’t wanna. See, you have the privilege of being able to opt-out. Women don’t. We live with this shit every day of our lives. So you’ll forgive us if we just can’t get too worked up about how it feels weird for you to call out your friends on their shitty behavior.
* Yes, that very phrase was used recently on a blog, but now I can’t find the thread in question; boooo.
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19 Responses to "Feminist allies"
Was it Angry Black Woman who had a great article (or maybe series) about how to be an ally? Brilliant. Or was it Cara on Curvature? OMG it was Rev. Ann Fontaine on Bilerico!
I’ve got to share this: I read a comment on another blog from somebody calling Michelle Obama a racist. A racist? And it was on an atheist blog!
Are we fucked?
Well, she and Barack are also terrorists, according to Faux News.
Yeah, they were called that because of a comment Michelle made that was supposedly racially insensitive. I didn’t hear it so I can’t defend or denounce her for what she said. But on that note, Amber, your post reminds me of a lot of frustrations blacks have with whites wrt race relations. Piping up with, “but…but, whites experience racism from blacks!” when the subject is like, you know, lynching or racial prejudices that rear their ugly heads in the workplace…sorry, the experiences just aren’t 50/50.
Though I can talk for hours about black-on-white racism from the pov of a mixed race chick like myself.
Exactly!! I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept. It seems pretty basic to me.
And to articulate it another way, people need to understand the differences between sexism/racism/whatever on an individual level vs. a structural level. Certain black people are racist towards white people, definitely. But there isn’t a systemic, institutionalized anti-white racism.
That’s why it really chaps my ass when some idiot says something like, “Well, SOME feminists hate men!” Yeah, some of ‘em do. And some men have their heads up their asses.
Yes! Exactly! Doesn’t it feel like you’re taking crazy pills sometimes? You’re the only one noticing this?
“Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” -Zoolander
+1 for the Zoolander reference. :)
Ha! Thanks! I had an LJ icon with “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” on it. Yeah, I regularly quote Zoolander (Stiller was genius in that movie) and find a way to relate a Simpsons episode to something going on in my life.
I’m older than dirt, which is one reason why I keep warning you (Amber) to be careful on the pole or you’re going to end up embedded in the floor with your legs sticking out (toes perfectly pointed, of course).
I once heard a very useful distinction: racial prejudice is prejudice against people of different races. Everybody can have that. We aren’t all angels. But racism equals racial prejudice plus the power to do something about it.
I don’t give a shit about racial prejudice. That’s between you and God or between you and lack-of-god. None of my business. But when you want to use real racism against me or my friends, then we’re going to have an uncomfortable talk.
You and I don’t get to call Michelle Obama a racist. I don’t get to call you and Ren sexists. That’s the rules. Not just of political correctness, but of not pissing off your friends and allies.
privilege; we’re all soaking in it.
And a warm terrorist fist jab to you and your friends. I’m sure nobody here needed my lecture in the last post, but I was pissed off at another bog that’s supposedly for some of the things we’re for calling the Democratic Party the Democrat Party. About 5 times. And then not letting me in to chew him a new asshole.
Oh don’t get me started on “the Democratic party” or “progressive blogs.” Big red nasty FAIL stamp, by and large.
And then not letting me in to chew him a new asshole.
I hear that chewing new assholes, like chewing gum, is good for your dental health. But yes, it is pixelly (yes, I totally made up a new word) frustrating to not be able to lay into someone in that case. And I ditto what Amber says…which is why I’m not a Dem anymore. At least not on the federal level.
Damn, there’s a lot going on in this thread!
We have a saying in my office: Everyone in a little bit racist. Given that our staff is pretty much 50/50 black/white, it’s almost a requirement that we’re open with such things. (What we’re not open about is class and that drives me nuts, but that’s not a rant for internet consumption.)
I fundamentally disagree with this. Privilege does not change reality. You have to adjust your approach according to your privilege, but it’s counterproductive to say that men can’t call women out for being sexist or that white people can’t call black people out for being racist. If we rule out honest communication, we can never make progress.
Again, I’m not saying that you don’t approach these situations differently, but to not approach them at all only serves to perpetuate a system of privilege.
(People either love me or hate me…for obvious reasons.)
I take issue with whining about Dems and progressives. I will not dispute that there is much to whine about but, again, how can we actually make progress in this situation? My sense is that a lot of people get fed up with the process of politics/elections in this country and take it out on the candidates who are generally locked into a system that sucks.
I’m ridiculously tired and probably not coherent, so I’ll stop there for now. I’m probably fanning flames and I’d rather do that when I know I’m making sense.
Except one last thing…this very morning, I actually had the thought that if I knew Barack and Michelle Obama, I would probably be friends with them. From what I know, I like them as people. That’s just a little surreal for me. I need to volunteer on his campaign. Need.
/usurpage of blog
Amber and jt, you’ve got it . Always keep an eye on them, epecially if they look at first glance like they’re on your side.
Is it just me, but is Michelle Obama cooler than Barack?
I agree w/ both of you - bc I think Jenny you might have been misunderstanding Bob. (Or maybe I was, who knows!) What I got from his comment was the concept that someone who is not a member of a certain oppressed (hate that word in this context but don’t know a better one) group does not get to define what is or isn’t “-ist” against that group. E.g., if I point to an instance of sexism and call it out as being sexist, a man (esp. the man who I just called out!) doesn’t get to say, “No it’s not.” Or, well, he can say that, but he’s an asshole. Because, he doesn’t get to define it. I do. I’m the one who experiences it. He’s the one who holds privilege in that situation and has the luxury of not having to understand what privilege is, what sexism is, how women experience sexism, how his ignorance perpetuates sexism… etc. etc. etc.
I think you know what I mean… but I feel like I could make more sense in person. Which just goes to show we need to visit each other more often! :)
It should have been clear but in case it wasn’t… I was not whining about ALL of them. I was whining about the hypocrites. Who, unfortunately, I have encountered a lot of, showing their true colors when it comes down to brass tacks. (Am I using that term correctly? I don’ tknow.)
ANd Obama is an excellent candidate, but we need to be careful not to idolize him. He’s not perfect. No one is. He’s a person, with faults just like the rest of us. I know it’s easy to lean toward seeing his as the end-all beat-all solution, given what we’ve been dealing with for the past 8 years; but we need to be realistic. (Octogalore has put a lot of it into perspective for me, btw.)
:-) I didn’t take issue with your comments, M@ber, it was really the “not being a Dem anymore” bit that chafed for me. I don’t think people should vote on party lines, ever. Ergo, ruling one out (at any level) annoys me. A lot.
I know I’m the anomaly, with my whole, “I’ve voted for candidates representing 4 different parties since 2005,” but…
Fine, be pissed at the Dems. There are countless reasons. I’ve certainly done my fair share of ranting about them, but candidates should be considered on their merits, not their party. In almost every case in this country, you vote for an individual, not a party. Ruling one out entirely (Dem, Repub, Green, Independent, whatever) strikes me as supporting deliberate ignorance. I won’t even consider them because they’re in that party. The impact of individual votes is too important to be treated so cavalierly.
I admit, I’m crushing big time on both the Obamas right now. I identify really strongly with their values and the choices they’ve made in their lives. Not only do I like their politics, but from what I know, I like them as people too. That’s incredibly rare for me and it’s cool.
I agree, there’s definitely no quick fix to the massive and systemic problems the next president will inherit, regardless of who he may be. However, the prospect of electing someone with the integrity, intelligence and nuanced views that Barack Obama has and the fact that he’s running a smart enough campaign and the fact that it seems like We the People are willing to break this massive race barrier…he’s not perfect, but he’s damn exciting. :-)
Yes, Michelle is cooler than Barack. But she’s pretty fucking cool.
/second usurpage of blog (Wasn’t my own blog supposed to stop this sort of thing?) :-)
If ruling out a party makes one ignorant, then I stand tall and proud in my ignorance. I’ve said many times that I won’t even consider voting for a Republican. And it’s true. And the reason is because of the commonalities in platform on certain key issues across candidates. It’s a substantive reason not an “ew icky!” reason.
You know I’m still voting for Obama and I think he’s great, but “integrity”… well… this has left a sour taste in my mouth. He’s a politician, after all, as they all are.
Is it just me, but is Michelle Obama cooler than Barack?
She’s ten times cooler actually. I totally dig that woman.
[...] is a good post, and I’m not annoyed at the post itself (because as I’ve said before, it’s vitally important for men to talk to other men about sexism), but rather the culture [...]
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