In the comments on my “write the book that scares you” post, Miss Nomered said:
My boyfriend is trans (he’s an FTM), but the thing is, we got together when he was already transitioning. That, and we met at a queer group - that and I’m pretty fluid and somewhat atypical in my sexuality.
Now, before I go any further, I want to apologize to Miss Nomered for using her comment as a jumping-off point. I don’t believe she meant it in the way it sounded (or rather, in the way that it reminded me of other, previous comments by other people) - a subsequent comment by her confirmed what was already my suspicion. So, Miss Nomered, this isn’t about you or your comment; simply, your comment triggered memories of other exchanges that I want to address.
This was something else I heard frequently, always with that not-so-subtly concealed tone of judgment. “Well, it was easier for us to stay together, because I’m bi anyway.” Or sometimes, even: “I don’t love people based on their gender alone.” No subtlety at all, there.
This is why I had to start the SOTS Forum message board. So bullshit like that would not impede our recovery process. And for anyone who already has a tendency to turn anger and distress inward (raises hand), that was the last damn thing they would need to hear.
Yes, if only you could be more open-minded, more sexually progressive, there would be no problem here at all! Because that’s what it’s all about, not wanting to diddle a girl.
“How fucking stupid are you??” I wanted to scream.
It was never just about the sexuality issue, although that was obviously part of it. But it was never about, “OMG someone might think I’m a lesbian, and I just can’t handle that, because Teh Gheys are ew gross icky, and I am so totally not gay!”
Not even close.
Not in the same ballpark. Or on the same planet.
Once, there was a voice of reason on one of the “Transsexuals (And Partners, Yeah Yeah Whatever)” message boards: “Your sexual orientation is not up for debate.”
It was sad that this even needed to be said. Sad that I wanted to fall down at her virtual feet with a weepy thank you. (Of course, I wasn’t exactly in the most calm and composed state in general, so a little melodrama* would probably be in order no matter what.)
* Dammit, self. No. Not melodrama. It was the biggest crisis of my life. The way I acted throughout was fucking appropriate.
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4 Responses to "The scary past, follow-up"
Yup. One hopes Ms. Nomer was only celebrating the flexibility of *her* orientation and not prescribing it as a solution for anyone else. Because sure, that would be great. But the whole point of orientation is that whatever we get we get and when people try to bend what they’re born with it… just doesn’t *go* that way.
Hell, if it did your ex wouldn’t have needed to go MTF! If it did don’t people realize most gay people would chuck the flipping 99-manure-truck pileup society slams down on them and “just” turn straight. And yet *somehow,* despite all that they can’t. Or if they do they wind up like that pitiful mackerel of a minister from the Wesborough Church, roaring around the country trying to make everyone else as miserable as he is.
So… if it doesn’t work for them — and why should it? Why would it work for anyone else?
When my partner of many years finally discovered her unhappiness with men, and me, was about her orientation towards women I was able to abstractly celebrate her very real relief and happiness… while at the same time mourning her loss as bitterly as I’ve mourned any other loss of a beloved partner.
And if, in my case, there was nothing I could do then in yours there was nothing you could do either. She was who she was. Your ex was who he was. And we’re who we are too. And dang it, if they deserve our sympathy and respect and support (and hard as it sometimes is they do) then we deserve ours too.
So well said, Amber,
figleaf
I do have to nitpick here, because this is a common source of confusion - transitioning is about gender identity, not sexual orientation. They are two separate things. True, sometimes with some people, their sexual orientation shifts a bit as they go through the transition process. But not always, and there is no hard and fast correlation.
Yeah..I totally didn’t mean it that way…arrrrggh!!! I know this isn’t about my comment, but I still feel like an idiot!
Stupid internets…things don’t come out the way I mean them to.
Anyways…my point is, I don’t fault anyone for having an issue with their partners transition (I’m probably having an easier time than most, but hey, that’s just one person’s experience, and it doesn’t make me better than anyone else). And nobody should stay in a relationship where they’re genuinely unhappy, for any reason.
Hugs?
No worries, MN. :)
My big gripe was with people who, knowing nothing about my situation, felt entitled to pass judgment on what I should or shouldn’t do, and even to opine on how much of a “good person” or “bad person” I was.
And again, it was never only about the transition itself. This is what people “on the outside” (and by that I even mean, yes, other TG partners of cisgendered folks, well-intentioned or not) failed to grasp. It was about dishonesty. A lie so big, I could not abide. Betrayal. Manipulation. A no-win situation.
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