Dear “that guy” at the sex club last night,
Let’s get right to it. First of all, if you see my boyfriend and I getting our things out of our locker and getting dressed, you make yourself look stupid by coming up and saying, “So, you gettin’ ready to leave?” Thanks, Captain Obvious! However, I could’ve toned down my internal snark and forgiven that awkward attempt at small talk (lord knows I’m no master of it myself) if it weren’t for where you went next.
“I been seein’ her all night. Just wanted to touch her once.”
HELLO. If there ever was the remote possibility that I might have a smidgen of interest in your dumb ass? You just shattered it by speaking to Rusty, about me, AS IF I’M NOT THERE!! If you want to “touch [me] just once” so badly, it would behoove you address me directly, since I am, amazingly, a fully-functioning adult capable of speaking for myself.
Further, I mentally kicked myself the second after the response (see, I can talk!) left my mouth: “Sorry, no.”
Ah, there’s that lovely social conditioning as a woman again. Sorry? I most certainly was NOT sorry. If only I’d had the presence of mind to say, while you were still standing there, the biting things I said a few seconds after you’d skulked away. I would’ve said, “No. And let me give you a word of advice, hon” - and thence recited the third paragraph above.
This is not the first time this has happened, either. What is it with creepy guys at sex clubs, speaking about rather than to a woman who is right in front of them?? Surely you weren’t suggesting that, basically, Rusty is my owner, and thereby grants or retracts consent on my behalf. Surely not.
It was couples-only night, so you must’ve come with a lady friend. I hope for her sake that she’s the Patron Saint of Perpetual Patience.
Wishing you a clue,
Amber
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3 Responses to "An open letter"
Amber,
LTNS.
A and I paid a second visit to Trapeze - on couples’ night - in May, I think. We were effectively nudged out of one of the Tiki huts by two guys who started chattering loudly about “can’t wait to get on that bed” and “gettin’ a piece of that” or somesuch while we were having sex. As I was finagling us out of there, A (who they were talking about like she wasn’t there) finally had to speak up - had I been much more direct it was clear there would have been open conflict (dumb entitled asshole guys don’t generally take a pointed “no” well from other men). When she politely declined, the best they could come up with was “oh, you’re not feelin’ that?” With dicks in hands, of course.
The vibe was really weird that night. A had noted at the door that the person manning the desk was questioning the men as to which women they were with, and it was clear after a while that unafilliated single men and women were just piggybacking on each other to gain entrance. Unlike our first visit, the couples’ room was either completely or near-empty at all times, and there was no social interaction (other than within pairs). The crowd was markedly less diverse and socially segregated in various ways. Very clique-y.
But anyway, I never had more appreciation for “creepy guy” issues than at that moment in the tiki. It was beyond annoying - it was unsafe, fueled by their objectification of A. So far as I’m concerned, the only thing that defused them was that we removed A from their sight, leaving them to either cross the line overtly and pursue or back off.
We think our initial experience - the one we documented in comments on one of your & Rusty’s podcasts - may have been a swingers’ mixer night, thus accounting for the positive, respectful interactions. Thumbs up on that one, and thumbs up on couples’ nights that are actually couples’ nights. But we don’t plan to go back. Spooked. :-(
Sorry about your experience with Captain D’oh. Wishing you & Rusty mucho positive offset.
-R of R&A :-)
R, thanks for sharing that experience. I’m baffled though… what does LTNS? (And I consider myself pretty good at internet acronyms!)
In our experience it’s been hit or miss at Trapeze. We’ve actually found it *less* fun on nights when Swinging Atlanta is having a party (assuming that’s who you were referring to re: swingers’ mixer night). We’ve had a couple of great nights, a couple bad ones, and mostly in-betweens.
We’ll probably go back at least one more time, though I don’t know when. There are several factors that are making us wonder if it’s worth it. It’s annoying that there aren’t more opportunities for healthy, positive expression of non-traditional sexuality in a no-pressure, no-judgment environment. :(
LOL - LTNS = Long Time No See (although “type” might be more accurate than “see” in this context). I picked the acronym up in my days chatting on CompuServe. That was a while ago… if it has fallen into disuse, I’ve been at this too long!!!
I can see how Trapeze would be hit and miss. Swinging Atlanta is who I was thinking of, but in all honesty we’re not sure why things were so positive the first time. In trying to explain the 2nd visit, we just guessed that the 1st visit landed us a post-event crowd of some kind. The Visit 1 crowd was definitely more sophisticated (in terms of sexual behavior and etiquette) than Visit 2.
Incidentally, in that first visit we saw the exact opposite of the “Captain D’oh experience” take place. A man walked directly up to a woman in the couples room, told her what he was thinking, asked her permission, and she said yes. End of story, simple and clean. It was refreshing.
Agreed it’s a shame that there aren’t more environments of the type you describe. I have never seen sexuality and attraction handled with more respect (and good communication) than on our first visit. People could learn a few things, and have quite a positive experience in the process.
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