Taken from an email I wrote this morning… thought it was worth posting.
- DON’T “stay out of it” just because you don’t get it. Inaction is complicity. If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem.
- DON’T expect a cookie/hug/pat on the back simply for not being a total asshole. Don’t expect women to just accept it when you say you’re a feminist ally. Expect to have to work hard, and understand that this is not an unreasonable expectation. Understand, too, that it’s vitally important and necessary, and resist the urge to just throw up your hands and say fuck it.
- Expanding on the above about not expecting a pat on the back: Congrats, all you did was what should be default expected behavior. Part of a sexist society is the fact that it holds men to a ridiculously low standard. Hold men to a higher standard and call out your male friends/colleagues/associates when they’re being assholes. It’s not easy but things that really matter seldom are. Again, silence is complicity.
- DON’T make it all about you. E.g., in a feminist forum, don’t make comments such as, “Not all men do [x]!”, “Men can be raped too!”, “Patriarchy hurts men too!” etc. WE KNOW. But at the moment, we really don’t need you taking the focus away from women again.
- This is the most important one: LISTEN. Read, re-read, and re-read again. Think and process. Take time to really think before you speak/type. Ask questions, but be mindful of the space in which you are asking. Some spaces are not appropriate for some questions, and remember that feminists are not here to do your homework for you. Do your due diligence. Educate yourself on the basics of feminism by (here it comes again!) listening. Then, ask specific and thoughtful questions in venues that are appropriate for it.
Here are some blogs of male feminist allies. Read them, as well as the blogs of feminist women. I don’t agree w/ everything they write, but I shouldn’t have to say that, because I rarely agree with all of what anyone writes. However, unfortunately w/ feminism, for outsiders sometimes there seems to be this expectation of groupthink and that we all agree 100% on every issue. This could not be further from the truth.
- http://doingfeminism.com
- http://realadultsex.com
- http://nocookiesforme.blogspot.com
- http://feministallies.blogspot.com
For another object lesson on what NOT to do, pay attention to how that guy Jeffrey Deutsch addressed me in the comments on Derek’s post about sex worker’s rights. Big ol’ FAIL stamp there.
So yeah, I thought this was a pretty good outline. If you’re not doing this stuff, you definitely should not claim the label “feminist ally,” and certainly not “feminist.” And on a personal level? If you’re not doing this stuff, I probably don’t like you very much and feel uncomfortable being around you.
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11 Responses to "How to be a (male) feminist ally"
I think that this list could easily be adapted as a general “How to be a ____ ally” guide. I know that last point in particular is something that goes through my head in lots of blog reading whether the focus is on sex work, WOC, POC, radical feminism, etc.
But I think you missed one specific bullet point for the feminist ally list:
Don’t film the breasts of an unconscious woman.
Well, yeah. But I don’t see this as being about Kyle Payne. He’s another breed of asshole altogether, AND I don’t want the awfulness of what he did to get watered down with talk of it making male feminist allies “look bad” or something.
[...] What does it take to be a male feminist ally? Glad you asked because over at Being Amber Rhea, the burning question is answered. And, as it turns out, it’s not so easy. In fact, [...]
Great list, Amber! Coincidentally, I wrote a similar post this morning. There seems to be a theme going around.
And yeah, sorry about Jeff, too, when I wasn’t around. Needless to say, any future comments from him will be moderated.
“Kyle Payne” reminded me.
“Be clear and upfront about who you’re empowering.”
[...] of the people I would hate the most to have after me when I do wrong, wrote a brilliant list of how to be a feminist ally. I won’t quote them all here. Read them on he site or the sites she’s linked [...]
This sounds like a wonderful idea for a symposium-slash-workshop:
“Being an ally: listening to feminists”
Just to clarify… I was teasing before about Kyle Payne. I completely get that he was never an actual ally. It just popped in my head because of how recent an issue that is.
that jeffery dude? ICK ICK ICK. late and all, I had to say something.
Thanks for the link, Amber. I agree we don’t always agree on how to get there but that’s fine because we both want to get to the same place.
figelaf
“…the same place.”
Doh, brain fart. I was going to add “…and getting there is neither hard nor obvious so the more discourse about how to get there the better.”
fl
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