So, we have this:
For God’s sake you and Ren are the most negative, rage-filled bloggers I know for all your raving about sex ‘positive’ this and that. Like taking every single critical thought about sex positve as personal attacks against your desire to pole dance (did anyone criticize you for pole dancing by the way? I missed that part) or do sex work. Banging your heads constantly against that brick wall of how stuuuuuupppppiiiiid everyone is for not comprehensively understanding the terminology and the meeeaanning and history of “sex positive.” Who fucking cares? Be a feminist and enjoy your pole dancing and write something about how women are being treated outside blogland. Between Twitter updates and disecting comments from ‘radfem’ blogs, your blog has gone down.
So, anonymous commenter, does dissecting comments in my moderation queue that talk about how much this blog sucks because I spend so much time disecting [sic] radfem comments (funny, I thought my high point with that was around mid-2006) further contribute to the downward slide of my blog? Congratulations, we’ve just gone meta!
The possible perceived irony is not lost on me that I am posting the comment here as a jumping-off point for a post, but won’t be letting it out of the moderation queue to show up where this person tried to post it. Well, I don’t care.
And that (”Well, I don’t care”) would typically be the extent of my reaction to such a comment anyway - I mean really, I don’t understand what motivates people to leave such comments (especially anonymously; if you really feel that strongly, at least have the guts to put your name to your words). If you find yourself “bored to death” (this is the clever little fake email address the person entered; boredtodeath@brickwall.com, to be exact, brought to you courtesy of IP address 67.159.46.12) with a blog and think the blog has “gone down,” then truly, I cannot understand the motivation to leave a comment saying as much. To me the solution is simple: STOP READING THAT BLOG. No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to read it, and anyway, as I’ve said countless times, the primary reason this blog exists is for ME, not for anyone else. Or, as Pink would say, “I’m not here for your entertainment.” You don’t like Twitter updates? You don’t like dissection of radfem comments? *shrug* The door’s thattaway, I won’t miss you.
Some things truly do just roll right off me. I think that under normal circumstances, the above comment would. But maybe not, who knows. Because, even under normal circumstances (whatever those are - but I mean, when I’m not dealing with some major life upheaval, I guess) there are some comments that even though objectively I know I shouldn’t give a shit about, because who the fuck is this person and why would I care what they think and it doesn’t matter anyway - well, the comment will get under my skin anyway. I’ll feel that familiar “sting,” that’s the only way I can describe it. And rather than try to quell those reactions, walk it off, suck it up, tell myself it doesn’t matter, I think it’s better to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling, and explore why a particular comment hurts me when another, objectively comparable comment does not. I’m a fan of the introspection and examination, after all (which is why radfems who constantly implore sex-positive feminists to do more “examining” really make my blood boil!).
This comment above, when I first saw it earlier today, made me want to cry. I don’t accept the “If you get upset the bully has won” line. I also don’t believe that crying equals weakness. I could puff out my chest and protect myself with snark and pretend like it didn’t affect me, but the truth is, that comment made me sad. Angry, too, definitely; but sadness was the immediate feeling that swept over me.
I’m on this new/old pursuit of trying to write as if no one is reading. That’s why I started this blog: to write for me. Granted, I won’t do some of the stupid things I did at first, bless my heart, like mention my employer, talk about the details of their ordering system and why it sucks, mention my boss by name and talk about why she sucks, etc. But hey, it was 2002 and not many people were reading blogs - such as, fortunately, the manager of the Borders in Athens!
Oops, digression. But as I was saying, I’m trying to get back to writing for me and no one else - but when I get comments like this, it shakes me up and reminds me that yes, there are people reading, and some of them are downright despicable and will try to hurt me. Either they don’t think of me as a person with feelings (I guess for some people the internet really does lead to depersonalization?) or, more disturbingly, they know full well I’m a person with feelings but they don’t care and they WANT to hurt me. And yes, I know that says much more about them than it does about me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m hurting.
Believe me, I have plenty of experience with people being malicious toward me for being openly and unashamedly sexual, for being a feminist, for refusing to “know my place” or laugh at their stupid, offensive jokes. So while I understand that this kind of vitriol/backlash/hatefulness happens often and to many people, when I really think about it I still cannot really understand WHY someone would feel the need to lash out at someone for being a feminist, for example. What are they so scared of? (And yes, I know full well what they’re scared of - not that they’d ever admit it. But still, what makes people, even if they’re scared, lash out like that in such an unthinking way?)
As to this particular comment: Did anyone criticize me for pole dancing? Oh, honey, you did miss that part, didn’t you! I have a whole stable of comments from people telling me just how deluded I am, and won’t I please examine some more, and WHY do I do it, c’mon, explain WHY, because the fifty explanations prior weren’t good enough, and apparently I DO have to provide explanations on demand, because if I don’t then it just shows how defensive and insecure I am, and certainly a point-blank “fuck you” would be totally inappropriate…
Maybe one day I will get to a place where all or most of these comments roll right off of me, instead of just some. I’m working on it.
All this reminds me, I have another post started in draft mode about how I think people should be nicer in general, and I don’t buy the “proud New Yorker” thing some people do where they’re like, I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it, I’m going to be blunt, so there! I think that sucks. I don’t think bluntness by itself is anything to be proud of, although at times it can be (e.g., calling out BS, not sugar-coating difficult truths, not gossiping behind people’s backs). Again: context, people. I should finish that post.
READ ME: Disclaimer
10 Responses to "Yeah, I’m “sensitive,” and you hurt me. Happy now?"
That being said, anytime someone offends you, you attack them or encourage your friends to attack them. You can’t be surprised that they wish to remain anonymous.
I read your blog because you’re a good writer, have an interesting life, and challenge my perspectives on a number of issues.
That being said, I think your blog would be better if you gave dissenters more of a benefit of the doubt. There are anti-porn feminists who have healthy attitudes towards sex. Not all writers who don’t cover stories as you would like are bad journalists. Many men who object to legalized prostitution are creepy. Grammatical mistakes are often typos and not a lack of education or intelligence.
I respect your courage in making your real life and sexuality so transparent. I don’t think it’s fair, however, to say that people who choose to be less transparent than you are cowards. Personally, I don’t want to be defined in real life by my online presence or sexuality. They are important parts of my life, but they’re not all of my life.
Meh, fuck that. Anony there is just another coward looking to get a kick in…and seriously, if sex poz feminism and pole dancing is all they think either of us write about….I’m wondering if they had to have someone assist them in typing their stupid fucking comment.
And you hit the nail on the head when you point out…gee! No One Is Forcing them To Read ANYONE’S blog!
Also, how bitter and hateful does someone have to be in order to leave a comment like that anyway, in addition to being a coward? I mean sure, I admit to having rage issues, but at least I’m not a chicken shit meatsack about it…I own my shit, which is more than I can say for Anony there.
As for your twittering…hummm, gee, a sign that maybe you have a real life and a whole lot of shit going on it, maybe?
In other words, what a fucking bonehead!
I hear you, Amber. I’m sorry that someone hurt you. I don’t know about you, but I always hear the negative comments much louder than the positive ones.
You are an amazing writer, you have a great point of view, you are bright, funny, and wonderful—especially for opening up, here on the internet—and letting us get a peak at your life.
Thank you for being there. Keep writing. And remember that there are many of us who enjoy your writing.
Jim,
Really? That’s an assumption. How would you possibly know if I “encourage [my] friends” to attack anyone? Also, there’s the way the word “attack” itself can be used as a weapon. Dissent is not attack. Ad hominem shit, on the other hand? Yeah, that’s an attack.
As for “the benefit of the doubt,” I give people the benefit of the doubt as long as they provide me with the same courtesy. Unfortunately many do not.
Question: where on earth have I made sweeping generalizations about “all journalists” or all anyone? Sounds like you might be projecting.
Finally, this is a blog, not a public political forum. The only person who can determine what would make my blog “better” is me. The minute I start doing what others thing I should do rather than what I feel I should do is the minute this blog becomes worse.
Ren,
I know you’ve always got my back! You rock, lady.
Lia,
Thank you so much for the kind words and support. You are an inspiration and part of why I do keep my faith in humanity, despite difficult times.
This, too:
There’s no credibility in posting anonymously in this situation. (In some situations there are, but I don’t feel like going off on a tangent.) You don’t have to use your real name. Many people on the internet use a recognizable pseudonym. Griftdrift has written about this.
Can’t find the post right now.ETA: Aha! Coincidentally, Griftdrift just happened to link to the post I was referring to on his blog today. Here it is.Um right, they’re part of EVERYONE’S life (the online presence bit, for people who have an online presence of course) and they are not ALL of anyone’s life. If you think I’ve said anything to the contrary I wonder how you could have gotten that idea, esp. bc one of my big things is that compartmentalization is not a good thing.
I really like these kinds of introspective posts, and I like the dissection of radfem comments. You’ve given me a lot of things to think about and have definitely been a positive part of shaping my own feminist views and my sexuality. I’m sorry it comes with such asshole anonymous comments. I know I take negative things to heart as well which is why I never touched on anything too deep/political/philosophical back in my blogging days.
While I don’t agree with Jim’s comments as far as telling you how to deal with people, as a lurker for years I can say that even sitting at a table at Manuel’s with you had me terrified. You scare the shit out of me (not a bad thing). I’m rather easily intimidated, and I’m always nervous around strangers. So having you there made it even more nerve-racking simply because you come across to me as a one strike and you’re out kind of person. I was worried about saying something stupid because I respect you a lot for many different reasons. I don’t think that you are some sort of vicious attacker rallying the troops. I just think you make your own personal decisions about people as you are totally entitled to do and because you are so open you talk about those decisions and how they came about.
In fewer words, it’s your blog and you can do whatever the hell you want with it. I’m certainly not going to stop reading barring any drastic changes. Keep up the good work and know that despite the cowardly haters there are plenty of fans too!
Kristin,
First of all it has me laughing with incredulity that anyone would possibly be intimidated by me. I mean, really? I’m not denying what you feel; I’m just saying I find it hard to wrap my brain around it, since if anything, I assume that generally people figure I’m weak and fragile (I’ve been called both, by someone very close to me, in the past). But since you said not a bad thing, then… thanks, I guess?
Same here!
I wouldn’t necessarily characterize myself as that, since so much depends on context. I am definitely a “no bullshit kind of gal” (as Rusty once said). I’ve worked very hard at this for years and years in therapy, both professional and otherwise. It’s been - and continues to be - very difficult for me to stand up for myself, speak my needs, and not let people treat me like shit. I press on with it because I know I have to, and slowly but surely I am getting better at it and therefore getting healthier.
Jenny, if you’re reading, what was it you said on the phone about telling my mom what I needed, and that I wouldn’t have done that a year ago? Sometimes it takes true friends to see things about ourselves that we can’t see. :)
I do make my own decisions about people, and to be honest (I think I have talked about this before) often it’s based on intuition - which I know isn’t a very popular thing to say, because it does not sound fair. But I just get feelings about people, and 99 times out of 100 they are right. I know I can’t say that without sounding snobbish, but I really don’t mean to sound that way. That’s just the truth of it… it’s part of my INFJ-ness. The N has always been very highly developed in me. Sometimes I have prescient (that’s not the right word but I can’t think of the right one… it’s on the tip of my tongue, argh!) dreams, too, but that’s another story.
It’s also true that I do not trust people easily, due largely to some traumatic experiences in my past that happened after I trusted the “wrong” people (though I had no way of knowing beforehand, of course, that they were the “wrong” people to trust). Gossip is a big one to me. I don’t like people who talk shit about others behind their back - petty crap about their appearance, what they do, what they said, etc. So if a person gossips a lot then yeah, that is going to inform my opinion of them. The type of language they use is another. And, like I siad, a lot of it is just a gut feeling.
Now, when are we going to hang out at Manuel’s again?
Hi, my brain is off today, please delete the bad HTML comment. This is why I need a preview button! :)
Yeah, I thought you might get a kick out of that statement, but I was being honest. I’ve had people tell me I’m intimidating, which shocks me too. I think it’s due to my height and maybe the tattoos, but the latter leaves me open to a wide range of presumptions like that I’m a “slut” or that I’m an asshole, etc. Anyway, yeah, I meant it as a compliment, albeit a weird one. I suppose it’s because from my perspective I think your honesty and your life experience both show that you have a lot of strength.
This speaks to me a lot because I have very similar issues, but I don’t think I’m as far along as you. Probably another factor in finding you intimidating. Consider it a form of envious flattery. :)
Oh yeah, I’ve been there. Remind me to tell you about my own ill-fated young marriage next time we meet.
I can’t say I’ve never done this, but I am definitely much more aware of it now (due to feminist blog reading, primarily) and actively try not to do it (working to get rid of that catty insecure girl in me who seeks male approval has been eye-opening). Well, I have never talked shit about my friends, but I certainly have been known to say some asshole things about people who aren’t my friends. Of course that’s because I think that they are assholes based on their character. I suppose that’s not petty stuff though… Take it for what you will.
Ha, I’m a hermit! I’m also preparing for a trip and will be gone until mid-Aug, but when I get back I will keep my eyes and ears open for the next time a Manuel’s thing comes up.
Now I must get some work done!
So he’s being an asshole and it’s your fault? What a fucking shock!
He’s noise, Do whatever you want (like you needed my permission!): delete him, ban him as a spammer, or get on with your life. Whatever you do right after that will be more interesting, more real, more alive than he can possibly imagine.
That’s your revenge.
Oh fer — Amber, your blog has NOT “gone down.”
FYI: when Amber gets angry, I sit up and take note. I think, “This is something an intelligent woman gets angry about and I want to know why — because chances are, it’s for a darn good reason that I ought to know about this!”
DON’T let this person hurt your feelings (easier said then done, I know — I’m way too sensitive myself.) Anyone who posts anon is a coward from the get-go. Fucka that.
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