I don’t read Belledame’s blog much anymore, for a variety of reasons I won’t go into because I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with people coming over and giving me shit about it. But I happened to hop over there via someone’s link, and saw this comment from Octogalore, which I just had to share. It is so right on.
[T]he idea of a “utopian ideal” of “a private space where men and women could express their sexual selves freely” and get “personal sexual gratification” but which is also a strip club, strikes me as highly narcissistic and highly problematic in other ways.
Would we consider as “ideal” that a lawyer get “personal gratification” handling our cases? That someone waiting tables would have mutual glee at our enjoyment of our lasagna? No, they are professionals doing a job for which they are paid in the usual manner.
Of course it would be great if everyone had a jolly old time while at the job, but why the SPECIAL need for sex workers to have this? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of glorification of the idea of mutual satisfaction for wait staff or sales professionals or other kinds of professionals who are female.
It’s highly coincidental that in sex work, uniquely, the satisfaction a customer derives is proportional to or at least related to the pleasure a sex worker appears to derive, no?
And I’m not really one for coincidences.
So I think the intense need to press for this utopian, mutual pleasure is not really all that mutual.
In addition to that particular issue, there’s also a reality gap there. Sex workers are professionals. That means that they have skills beyond those of the general population in providing a pleasurable experience of a sensual nature combining a carefully maintained appearance, skills in conversation, dance, sex, whatever. The population of customers may include standouts in this area but it’s fair to say that on average, the customer population is as skilled as the general population, which is to say: much less skilled than the dancer population.
That’s not a slam on customers but is true of any job. The customers for doctors are less skilled at medical work. The customers for lawyers are less skilled at legal work. Same for teaching, counseling, building, etc. etc.
So to expect that the customer population would be as able to provide what the dancer population is providing is severely devoid of logic as well as respect for the profession.
That said, I personally benefited substantially from this particular notion, and in solidarity with current and future strippers, I hope they can as well.
I think some of us who endeavor to be allies to sex workers - or even just sexually progressive* - sometimes overcompensate and move into territory of having a special set of standards for sex workers, not unlike our opponents (indeed most of society) do. Our special set of standards just happens to be different, arguably more “positive,” but no less unrealistic and putting sex work into a special, separate category apart from other types of work.
* “Just” sexually progressive? Oh lord…
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6 Responses to "Another kind of double standard"
I’ve seen this first point she makes in various reflections and observations from sex workers, and it makes sense to me. And I do want to value it.
When it comes to the special set of standards for sex workers, though, I want to offer up a slightly different viewpoint. I worked in ordained ministry for several years (and trained in that culture for more years before that), and there is every expectation that the minister will be fulfilled by what she does for others. That drive/expectation is referred to as a ‘calling.’ There are many other professions that have some similar idea in them, an expectation held by both the professionals in that field and some people outside it.
Is that kind of personal fulfillment from the work necessary to getting the job done? It’s not necessary to performing the concrete skills of the job one is hired for; that much is clear when I survey my colleagues in ministry. Is it an appropriate ideal to hold? For ministers or for sex workers? I don’t know.
I think that if a person can get a sense of personal fulfillment out of their work - if they are able to do something for a living that they see as their calling - that’s WONDERFUL! And you can definitely tell the people who truly love their work vs. those who are just doing the job; it shows. But my point is that for most jobs, we DO understand that a lot of people ARE “just doing the job,” and that that’s okay. Most of us aren’t able to do something for a living that brings us personal fulfillment (but we can find that fulfillment elsewhere) and I don;t think that’s a great tragedy, j ust a fact of life in our system.
I believe that I am compelled to respond to this, Amber, and, since it was me who made the observation that Octogalore was responding to.
My intentions were not to establish any form of “special standards” for sex workers, nor to elevate my position of “sexual progressive” above anyone else. It was simply to state my point that many sex workers can and do get some degree of personal fulfillment from the actual deeds other than just getting paid.
And maybe my ideas are way too utopian and completely divorced from the reality (or maybe I’m just thinking with the wrong head again; I’ve been know to do that on occasion); but I still feel that it is a lot more easier to perform the job if you literally enjoy it than if you absolutely hate going to work every day.
I do appreciated you and Octo and the rest giving me an educatiion in the reality, though. Even allies sometimes need a hit to the head to get back to reality.
Anthony
Yes, it is a fact of life in our culture that many folks don’t find their jobs fulfilling. But I’m not yet seeing how it’s narcissistic to make some room for idealism in sex work the same way many people make room for idealism in healthcare professions, teaching, emergency workers, counseling and many other professions. For many of us, nurturing that idealism is our advocacy in the world, and I see this argument as being on some level a misunderstanding between different kinds of advocacy. Some of us that you see committing this ‘narcissistic’ mistake may in fact be treating sex work the same way we treat many other professions, and holding the same hopes for the wellbeing of those in it.
Elizabeth,
I don’t think we’re disagreeing. Notice in my comment I said:
So nowhere have I said we should not “make room for idealism” - simply that it’s unrealistic and unfair to expect idealism to be the measure of acceptibility.
Also I never said narcissistic. That was Octogalore’s word.
Elizabeth — my mention of “narcissistic” was directed towards a male customer’s wish for a female stripper to be feeling mutual sexual pleasure, not the stripper’s desire for work satisfaction. I explained in the quoted section why I felt this was motivated more by ego than idealism. I totally stand by that word.
But keep in mind that the phrase I was responding to was “personal sexual gratification,” NOT “personal fulfillment.” I think some sex workers do get sexual satsifaction here and there, but it’s much more likely in porn than stripping (strip clubs were the context, I believe), for obvious reasons. Think about the age, fitness level, dance ability, practice at sensual skills, time and attention to grooming of the average stripper vs the average customer. These things matter, and why shouldn’t they? If they didn’t to the guys, they wouldn’t seek out such venues. So women aren’t allowed to have similar preferences? Let’s get real.
Regarding “personal fulfillment?” I found stripping VERY personally fulfilling. Sitting on some middle aged, balding overweight exec’s lap, I would lapse into reveries of WellsFargo.com. Sometimes I would let a little moan escape. Most likely the customer let out a sign of relief at my personal sexual gratification.
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