Lots of things I want to say but not sure how to tie them all together coherently - so I won’t try. Gotta keep reminding myself: old-school blogging FTW! I can guarantee that this post will mix the personal and the socio-political in all kinds of confusing and inconsistent ways.
But I guess first I should explain the title of the post. Heh, that’s why I have an inside jokes tag. Jenny sent a tweet yesterday wherein she coined the term (she also recently coined “sleevishness,” referring to wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve) and then I put it in my GTalk status, which is our medium of choice for enabling each other’s procrastination at work.
Now that that’s out of the way, I want to jump right in with some quotage. Last night I read this post by Glamourpuss at The Pole Affair and got déjà vu because I swear I’ve written something nearly identical in my paper journal at some point during the last ~10 years.
She asks me what I do when people hurt me and I tell her I don’t say much, preferring instead to walk away, hide, lick my wounds in private and avoid further pain. She asks if I confront my aggressor and I say that generally, I do not, and I certainly don’t retaliate. She asks why and I say because confrontation scares the hell out of me and that’s the way I’ve always done it. She points out that what worked for the little girl in a turbulent household and kept her safe, may not work now, and it’s time to question this learned behaviour. That gives me plenty to mull over. I tell her I accept she’s right, but truly, I have no idea how to be different — what does being different actually entail and what do I do to be that?
Then today, in the comments of the amazing post which I linked to earlier (to which…), I read this comment, and it nearly made me cry; because as I told Rusty on AIM, this commenter absolutely nails everything I’ve TRIED to articulate many times before but have always failed.
I’m thinking of all the times people have told me to shut up, to calm down, that things that I care about or that bother me or that genuinely concern or frighten me are no big deal and I’m just being irrational and overemotional, or that I’m just plain wrong about my own opinions, feelings, or experiences and then later, the same people say “well geez Sugar, don’t be such a victim, why do you give up so easily/ feel so helpless/ not speak up/ never stand up for yourself?”
WHY? FUCKING WHY?!!!! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SERIOUS.
Because you will treat me like an idiot if I do. Because you will dismiss me if I do. Because nothing I say or do will be listened to for the most part, and I have no way of guessing which are the exceedingly rare situations in which it will, so WHY in all the nine hells should I even consider opening myself for ridicule and condescending remarks and then also have my needs or worries unmet anyway?!!!! I actually have a fucking brain, contrary to popular thought, and frankly I find it pretty IMPRACTICAL (oh noes, I know the logicks?!) to make gestures which I know from experience to not only be fruitless, but also to invite more woe upon my head. I tend, in my actions, to attempt to protect myself from further harm if harm’s been done already and I don’t feel I’m in a position with enough advantage to correct it. OH GODS, THE BRAINING. SHIT, IT’S LIKE FUCKING POETRY, EXCEPT WITH MORE MATHS.
I’m running out of sarcastic remarks to type in all caps, but all the exclamation points in the world wouldn’t be enough to emphasize this: We’re. Not. Stupid. Or Crazy. Or Lying.
I felt the pang of a knife twisting in my gut as I read it. I was thinking YES YES YES as my eyes got a little cloudy.
I love my blog because it’s a place for me to speak my piece and no one can tell me to shut up. Or, they can try - and believe me, they definitely have tried - but I can ban them and let them go whine about their “free speech” rights somewhere else. Because this is my space. This is where I get to say the things that matter to me, to speak the truth of my experiences, to talk about the things that are important to me and the only potential censor in place is my own self-imposed feelings of limitation. And, ya know, this is the space where I try to work through those limitations, too!
But even with all that happy touchy-feely stuff, there also comes the reality that if my little corner of the internet is a place for me to speak my truth and not be silenced, then the internet also has spaces where hateful people can do the same sort of mocking and demeaning that they’ve done for almost too long for me to remember - and I’m not sure whether it hurts more “in real life” or online, but it still HURTS, I know that much.
Let me try to tell you how it feels to pour your heart and soul into something you believe in, to try to explain yourself, defend yourself against vicious attacks, work for a better world, be the change you seek, all that stuff… and have someone just laugh in your face. -Actually, I don’t have to tell you; the commenter I quoted above already did.
What a lot of people don’t understand when they talk about “defending yourself” against bullies is, that only works if the bully takes your defense seriously. Back in middle school? I couldn’t defend myself - because I tried at first, but then I stopped, because I learned that me trying to defend myself was more cause for laughter and mockery. There was no way for me to win. So I might as well just shut up and take it.
Last night, I was in the XXBN chat room while listening to Gracie and Callie on the radio show (everyone should listen to the podcast of it, btw; it was a great show). Gracie was talking about identity online and choosing how much to reveal or hide, and she said something like, “I think Amber and I both get kind of sad or angry about this.” And then Nobilis, who was in the chat room too, said: “Amber? Angry? Naaaaah…” and then put in a smiley emoticon.
Argh!!! :(
I don’t want to be typecast as “the angry woman” - it feels icky and exploitative and demeaning. It makes me feel small. It shoves me into an uncomfortably familiar box. And - not that I should even have to say this (but the other shitty thing is that it puts me in the position of having to say “no I’m not!”) - I don’t think I’m all that angry. I don’t even know what that would mean or look like. I don’t understand it as an accusation. And yet, there are people who perceive me that way - and they’re always men. So why is that? (Don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical question.)
I said as much to Nobilis in the chatroom last night. Even though it felt uncomfortable and scary (see above quote re: confrontation), I called him out and told him that was not okay, and explained why (basically what I wrote in the last paragraph).
He said nothing.
This is a pattern, too. I share how I feel, open my veins, put myself out there even when I shouldn’t have to, because I’ve been put in the position of having to by others; and the response, even sometimes from people I love and who love me… is silence.
And that, I truly don’t understand.
And, too? Is anger not at times a valid and justified emotion/reaction? I certainly agree with the sentiment that anger should not itself be an end but should be a means to something constructive. But how exactly does it help for anyone to deny being angry, ever? Sometimes people have a right to be angry. Sometimes there are situations where if someone wasn’t angry, you’d really wonder what was up!
Of course, it’s no surprise the way this gets leveled at women in particular; we’ve been socialized to be “nice” and take care of other people’s feelings, often at the expense of our own. Nice girls don’t get angry. It’s just not done. I can’t tell you how many times I was chastised by my mother with two simple words and a stare that told me not to talk back: “Be nice.”
I get angry, sure. Unfortunately I tend to turn my anger inward, and it becomes destructive to me. And, moreso than being angry in that fired-up, righteous, in-your-face way (see again: confrontation), what my anger actually manifests itself as, most of the time, is sadness. A heavy, all-encompassing sadness where I just don’t know what to do. Add to this a history of clinical depression and it’s not exactly fun times ahead.
But seriously, what can I do, in the face of things like this? I avoid reading such blogs - I keep myself out of such situations - as much as possible, because of the toxicity. (Again, there’s the word that always fits: toxic.) I’m always wary of it reaching the point of becoming willful denial of reality - although, I think, the very fact that I worry about this means that I won’t ever have that problem. Hell, why even equivocate at all: I know myself well enough to know that that will never be a problem of mine.
And yet.
I hear terms like “echo chamber” and they sting, sometimes - because it seems that they are often misapplied.
What’s the good in shouting at a brick wall? It’s better, I think, to say what needs to be said in a place where those words won’t be stifled, and people can choose to listen or not. Maybe slowly but surely people will start to consider things that they previously had written off. I know it’s possible. It doesn’t happen in droves, but I truly do believe this type of micro-activism (to borrow a term from Renee) is important.
Yet I can’t keep having the same conversations over and over again. Saying the same things, to people who suddenly close their ears. The “Don’t Be That Guy” panel at Balticon was extremely difficult for me for this reason - even though I also felt heartened and hopeful about it because I saw two people in the audience have ‘click’ moments; I saw their eyes light up, their heads cock to the side as they considered something new.
And anyway, I can’t always keep myself out of these situations, because it infuses progressive circles as well. The casual sexism, comments about “oh lord what is she wearing,” and somehow it’s okay if it’s a woman we don’t like; the casual racism, Photoshopped images of politicians in blackface and we’re all supposed to understand it’s “satire;” the jokes about trannies and hookers; the R-word, everywhere. The people who think they get a pass because we both happen to oppose the war in Iraq.
I can’t call it out every time. It’s too exhausting.
Well, I’ll write more later; I feel depleted at the moment. For now I’ll close with Tori:
READ ME: Disclaimer
11 Responses to "Bussish"
Wow! I’m glad you posted this because I have a lot to say about it.
1) “I don’t want to be typecast as “the angry woman” - it feels icky and exploitative and demeaning. It makes me feel small. It shoves me into an uncomfortably familiar box.”
YES! I hate that too, because, again, it’s a way to deny humanity. It’s not like you’re in this perpetual state of angry and grrr. But there are things you get angry about. Just because a lot of those things happen to surface as topics of conversations (IRL) or posts (OL) does not mean that a person expressing an angry reaction is angry all the time. I admit that I personally have a short fuse but it doesn’t mean I scowl all the time. So I know how you feel, because I’ve been put in that box too. I try not to put others in that box. It’s stuffy in there.
2. “I get angry, sure. Unfortunately I tend to turn my anger inward, and it becomes destructive to me. And, moreso than being angry in that fired-up, righteous, in-your-face way (see again: confrontation), what my anger actually manifests itself as, most of the time, is sadness. A heavy, all-encompassing sadness where I just don’t know what to do. Add to this a history of clinical depression and it’s not exactly fun times ahead.”
Again, YES! I have learned in the past few years to direct my anger at the person or people who pissed me off instead of holding it in all the time. It was making me physically sick to not express my anger at the appropriate times and then I would become passive-aggressive. I hated that too. I would also get to the point where I would just have this boiling rage that had built up so long I can’t even remember where it started. I try to encourage friends to express their anger when they can because I don’t want them to go through what I have. But at the same time, I remember how much strength it took me to get to the “expressive” point I am now and it’s not a path everyone can take so I don’t try to force anyone to do it. But I do highlight the relief that I have found in it. YMMV and all that.
3. “Of course, it’s no surprise the way this gets leveled at women in particular; we’ve been socialized to be “nice” and take care of other people’s feelings, often at the expense of our own. Nice girls don’t get angry. It’s just not done. I can’t tell you how many times I was chastised by my mother with two simple words and a stare that told me not to talk back: “Be nice.””
Again, WIN. But now I have a button that says, “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing!” Leaving out the gender issue concerning that word and while I chafe against the “angry woman” label, especially considering my ethnic backgrounds, I personally find some strength in being the bitch rather than the nice girl. I have found IRL people fuck with me a whole hell of a lot less. Again, I am still a nice friendly person, you know this since we briefly met. I wasn’t scowling or mean or anything. But should someone piss me off, oh, the teeth are bared.
4. “But seriously, what can I do, in the face of things like this? I avoid reading such blogs - I keep myself out of such situations - as much as possible, because of the toxicity. ”
I dunno how Ren handles it sometimes, because she’ll visit blogs that are just beyond toxic and take it on. She’s my hero in that respect. Sometimes, I can handle going into such a toxic situation, but most of the time, no. In fact, I don’t even post on message boards anymore for that very reason. I would argue my point as respectfully as possible but the general attitude toward certain topics was just too much for me to handle and not be kicked off a board by the mods. So I would just resign. I try not to look at comments on certain news stories either, esp. wrt. sex workers, because I KNOW what people are going to write and it’ll just drive me crazy. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I should post a reply to help destigmatize and spread some reality on the situation. After all, isn’t that why I’m part of the sex workers’ rights movement?
On a third hand, I’ve had people tell me, “It’s just stupid people on the internet, don’t worry about it”. Okay, yes, I can see their point because I do believe a lot of people say shit online that they won’t ever say in public either because they don’t actually believe it and are just shit-stirrers or they believe it but lack the backbone to say it. The latter ones are why I DO get so upset by some of the crap I see online. Because they’re actually out there interacting with us and making our existence less than pleasant.
5. “And anyway, I can’t always keep myself out of these situations, because it infuses progressive circles as well. The casual sexism, comments about “oh lord what is she wearing,” and somehow it’s okay if it’s a woman we don’t like; the casual racism, Photoshopped images of politicians in blackface and we’re all supposed to understand it’s “satire;” the jokes about trannies and hookers; the R-word, everywhere. The people who think they get a pass because we both happen to oppose the war in Iraq.
I can’t call it out every time. It’s too exhausting.”
Oh Goddess, YES! Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES! I have a guilty pleasure in “Go Fug Yourself” but at the same time, I hate when they call certain women “whores” just because they’re dressed too sexy for them. The casual racism that masquerades as progressiveness? Lordisa, I can talk for hours about the crap I’VE experienced as a mixed-race woman who is seen as either black or Latina or generally Exotic depending on who’s looking. About the crap I’ve seen and no one thought I noticed. Falling back on the, “But, I’m voting for Obama!” as though that gives them a pass…yeah. Oooh, yeah.
And it is exhausting. In fact, one of your links a couple weeks ago to this site run by a person IDing as Chicano talked about how when us POCs call out a, no offense to you (though the behavior I’m describing doesn’t apply to you), white “liberal” who makes the casual racist remark but doesn’t see how that makes them anti-liberal, then we, the local POC gets called, “sensitive” or “reading too much into the situation”.
I am so glad you posted this Amber. I’m right there with you!
-Aspasia
Wow. A lot of good thinking to sink in. Silenced, shamed, told you aren’t nice enough and called out, expected not to confront. We’re up against a lot. I know I struggle with what humor is okay, or even good when it is stirring cultural crap around in order to make some kind of sense of it, and when its just wrong. You are right, just because I KNOW I’m a good hearted queer progressive, I shouldn’t give myself or my comrades passes.
Great post.
Sometimes all we can hope for is that some of our actions or words will someday reach someone in a way that they will finally understand, gain perspective. Your words ring so true and continually give me perspectives on understanding and enhance solidarity. For me all these micro-activist moments are in agregate some form of so called civil disobedienece, getting people to wake up and realize it’s a dialogue about human rights. Some so called friends who are themselves purveyers of toxic perspectives and attitudes need more examples and dialogue to understand those things you mention are rights everyone should have not just the majority or those that follow prescribed behaviors. Anyway, just wanted to thank you and encourage you for sharing. Been following for a while and this post was very intimate and touching. Makes me want and act more forcefully in helping people become more flexible in their perspective taking.
I started to comment and actually typed, “Wasn’t having my own blog supposed to prevent me from usurping yours?” Indeed. Now I have another post in draft form…
The general gist of which is, WORD.
I relate to so much of this, but in different scenarios, and I feel like this is kind of the crux of my new paradigm shift.
For me it’s about constantly being told that I’m wrong / irrelevant / ridiculous. While I’ve cognitively known that’s bullshit, I’ve still punished / blamed myself for it. I’ve finally started to figure out how to turn the toxicity, appropriately, outward instead of inward. I’m working on it…and I’ll stop there and try to pick it up in my own space soon.
((((()))))
I’m angry as hell and I don’t give a fuck if people have a problem with it. If they weren’t such morons, there would be no problem.
(my god I sound like “House”…)
If I didn’t respond to your comment on the chatroom that you weren’t angry, it may be because I missed it or because the interview was moving ahead and there were other things to comment on or listen to.
With regard to being perceived as angry or not, I’m not sure I can honestly apologize or even amend my perceptions. I *do* see you as angry sometimes but then again I’ve only been in your presence in-person a few times, for a few hours, and the pure text medium of chat/blog/whatever is notorious for impeding clear expressions of emotion.
When I am outspoken about something I doesn’t like, I am usually angry about it. It takes a bit of emotional investment to overcome my natural reticence to speak out. As a result, I assume that anyone, male or female, who is outspoken about something they don’t like is likewise angry. Is this a generally accurate assumption? I have no idea, but it’s buried deeply enough in my subconscious that I don’t know what I would do to dig it out.
Nobilis,
I really don’t know what do say. If you read my entire post and still don’t “get it” then I don’t know what more I can say. I am truly at a loss.
Re: your question in the last paragraph, honestly I don’t even really understand it. I mean, it’s the entirely wrong question. Sure, people get angry about things they don’t like. That’s not the issue. The issue is how women get painted as either “the angry feminist” or “oh you’re so cute when you’re angry.” Either way demeans the woman in question and reduces the issue that we’re talking about to something that can be dismissed. It’s a way of not listening.
The issue is how women get painted as either “the angry feminist” or “oh you’re so cute when you’re angry.”
I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.
I’m not responding to the entire post. I’m responding to the scene in the XXBN chatroom. I don’t know about actually came across, but what I meant to express at the time was that I perceive you as someone who is capable of expressing anger, and does so.
…
blink, blink
Okay, now wait. Wait, wait…
Right here as I’m typing this, I’m going over what I posted in the chatroom…
“Amber? Angry? Naaaaah…” :)
… and looking at it from the point of view of someone who feels ridiculed when she’s angry… and it looks like I’m ridiculing someone’s anger.
Then, when I missed your response (and I really did miss it) it made it seem even worse.
The smiley was NOT there as an intent to ridicule. It was simply an attempt to signal sarcasm… a hamfisted one. If I had seen your response, I could have clarified, but I didn’t.
Boiled down, with the sarcasm skimmed off the top, what I meant was:
“Amber gets angry.”
Embedding it in what I thought was humor was insensitive, but I don’t like confrontation and I’d rather make a lame joke than see people get angry and start shouting.
I guess I don’t like confrontation.
I don’t like confrontation either.
I understand your intent now. I hope you, as well, understand how and why impact can overshadow intent (esp. when the intent is not clear) with things a member of a marginalized group hears over and over.
@Ren: “(my god I sound like “House”…)”
Dude, you are House.
[...] That’s how real shifts in perspective happen - getting outside the echo chamber (a term I don’t like, but I’m writing this quickly), engaging with people and presenting them with viewpoints they [...]
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