I meant to post this yesterday… check out this awesome short video produced at the recent Speak Up! training, led by Audacia Ray. New media such as this is so important, because sometimes people with relative privilege need a reminder that people of marginalized communities are human too.
The Speak Up! training is truly inspiring.
I’ve been a jumble of emotions ever since I put up my post about my concerns about this year’s Sex 2.0 event.
I do not regret posting it, nor do I feel it was the wrong thing to do. I struggled w/ whether or not to post anything – I’ve been going back and forth for months – but what finally made me decide to do it were two things: 1) multiple people had contacted me privately to express concerns that were similar to my own; and 2) I resolved that, dammit, Sex 2.0 would not replicate dysfunctional family dynamics if I had anything to say about it. And of course, all I can control is me, so that meant I decided that the risk of being seen as a Debbie Downer or any other “negative” perception was worth it; I wasn’t willing to keep my concerns (which were also others’ concerns!) bottled up for the sake of keeping up appearances or pretending everything is just peachy keen. I lived my life that way for too long and nothing but heartache comes from it. Sure there is heartache that goes along w/ speaking your feelings and putting yourself out there, but it is ultimately far less self-harmful than to not say anything for the sake of some bizarre “party unity” or something.
What’s difficult is that much of the foundation for my concerns cannot be blogged. I know this seems like a cop-out; people are probably thinking, well isn’t that convenient, she writes a screed that totally harshes everyone’s mellow and then says, hey, I can’t tell you why! If people perceive it that way, then I have to be okay with that, because I can’t control it. The fact is, there is backstory and behind-the-scenes stuff that can’t be blogged because it would potentially compromise people’s privacy, and that is also not something I’m willing to do for the sake of making a point. So, understandably, many people who do not know all the details can draw their conclusions based only on the information they have. That’s what we all do every day when we draw conclusions about anything, so I am not faulting anyone for doing that! I’m just saying that it’s a tough spot; people don’t have all the information, they don’t know that they don’t have all the information, but for the most part I can’t share all the information for a variety of reasons.
So why didn’t I just shut up, if it was going to be half-assed, you might ask. Well, as I said above: I felt compelled to speak, and I felt the costs of not speaking would be worse that the costs of speaking and opening myself up to negative reactions.
Also, I had hoped that maybe if I wrote a post, some of the people who had approached me privately would feel safer coming forward and sharing their concerns. I don’t think we do ourselves any favors as a community by not communicating about the stuff that’s difficult and not so fun. At the same time I understand people’s reluctance, and sometimes, given the unique nature of the online community around sex, that reluctance is based in more than just a fear of criticism, but the potential for very real, damaging repercussions.
Still I hoped that maybe if I opened up a thread, asked for input and thoughts from anyone involved in Sex 2.0 in any way, that some of those who voiced their reservations to me might share there. In my post I did not mention that others had approached me, because I did not want anyone to feel (even without me naming names) that they had been put on the spot and were now expected to account for private conversation. I realized this would make it look like just me griping, but I hoped that that would be assuaged when others spoke up. But, most of those others have not spoken up, and so the picture of what’s going on is skewed to observers. I later clarified in a comment on that thread that people had contacted me, even though I felt a bit uncomfortable doing so. But I was also not happy about letting the inaccurate and unfair perception that this is all just me stand. I cannot force people to comment if they don’t want to do so, but I also do not want to be misperceived as just a complainer or someone who can’t bear to see her precious conference change.
I also do not want to give the inaccurate impression that I am not excited about Sex 2.0. If that were the case I would not be going! As I said in my previous post, I am looking forward to seeing old friends again and meeting new ones, and participating in some really interesting sessions. As an unconference, it is the responsibility of each of us to make Sex 2.0 what we want it to be, so I also do not want my previous post to be interpreted as passive complaining. But it would be disingenuous and naïve to suggest that “make it what you want it to be” is never influenced by external factors, because hello, if it’s up to all of us to do that, and some of us have conflicting ideas, then yes, there’s potential for some tension there. That’s not necessarily a bad thing except when the potential for true harm exists – but this comes back to what I said above about the stuff that can’t be blogged.
I know this post is even more circular and confusing to the casual reader than the last one. I have a knee-jerk temptation to apologize, but I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. I am not apologetic about speaking my feelings; but I am sorry that circumstances are such that I cannot give the whole story to everyone and make sure everyone understands 100% where I am coming from. And I am sorry that writing this will probably come off negatively even though my overall intent is resoundingly positive.
Let’s make Sex 2.0 what we want it to be!
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"Anyway: given that they don’t take insurance, well, no fucking shit there’s a lot less paperwork and hassle at Hello Health. And since they charge a monthly fee, and per visit, you know who’s not going to be seeing Dr. Parkinson? Poor people (who, you know, are more likely to have messy health problems that might complicate things and run up the bills.). Sorry to break it to you, kids, but everything’s a lot easier when you’re only dealing with people who have a lot of disposable income."
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"Part of it was the cotton-candy sweetness of it all, the pandering to nerds and dorks and ladies in the form of delivering on-screen avatars who are far more articulate and charming and, in some cases, possessed of actual magical powers, than any of us could ever be. I, unlike a lot of feminist ladies, get annoyed with Strong Female Characters Who Kick Ass, because it seems to me that making your heroine actually magical and skilled in various made-up martial arts is a really silly way to go about delivering Female Empowerment to your viewers, who will have to be strong on a day-to-day basis without access to superpowers or magic. Yeah, yeah: it's a metaphor. It just wasn't a metaphor that worked for me. The strength was always just a little too superhuman, the magic too magical, the villains too obviously and literally demonic, and Buffy – most crucially – way too adorable for me to buy in."
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"Three simple thoughts, then, on Workers Memorial Day:
1. No women are safe until prostitutes are safe. As long as prostitutes are targets of violence, and as long as that violence can be perpetrated with much less risk of sanction, and as long as all women are potentially identifiable as prostitutes by virtue of owning our sexuality, no women are safe until prostitutes are safe.
2. An injury to one is an injury to all. When we don’t speak up to protect the safety of other groups, we cannot expect much support when we ourselves are targeted. Solidarity is important across groups of workers. Stigma and bias only serve to divide us. Whatever work we do, whether erotic or otherwise, whether legal or not, whether chosen or not, we need to stand up for each others rights to self determination and safety.
3. Those of us with more privilege (greater safety, more autonomy, more money, more education, more access to power) need to use it to improve conditions for those with less. "
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"New York-based advocacy organization Sex Work Awareness recently implemented its first day-long Speak Up media training workshop, which took place at the Harm Reduction Coalition in mid-April. At the end of the day, the workshop participants made a public service announcement video. Go to http://sexworkawareness.org to learn more about SWA's media advocacy and public education initiatives."
Apr 30 2009 08:30 am | Category:
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Apr 29 2009 08:31 am | Category:
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I can hardly believe that Sex 2.0 is less than two weeks away. I’m looking forward to plotting and scheming – I mean, catching up – with farflung friends, some of whom I’ve known for years and some of whom I met for the first time IRL at last year’s Sex 2.0. I’m also excited to finally meet some of my other internet nerd-crushes; Monica Shores, Nikol Hasler, Sarah Dopp, Maria Diaz, just to name a few.
At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few reservations. There’s a little ball of anxiety and worry that’s been hanging out in my chest for the past several weeks, and I’ve been doing my best to try to push it away and tell myself everything will work out just fine. But as the founder of Sex 2.0, and in the spirit of transparency with which it was created, I feel it’s important for me to share my concerns honestly and get feedback from the community.
(more…)
Dw3t-Hthr in a thread on her blog about language and gendered insults:
A while back I realised that the words for female genitalia that are used as insults typically connote weakness, uselessness, and contemptability, while the words for male genitalia used as insults typically connote rudeness, obnoxiousness, and stupidity.
My response is basically the same as what commenter devastatingyet said:
That sounds about right. Nice world we live in, ain’t it?
:P Nice world indeed.
So, yeah, I will continue to get my panties in a bunch about pussy being used as an insult. Because it is NOT OKAY, and it IS important – not something to be “overlooked.” Likewise, years ago I stopped using “bitch” as an insult – there is no need to use a gendered insult when the non-gendered “asshole” or “jackass” or a million others will do. Plus I just hate the word. It makes me bristle and rankle and feel really bad inside. If I hear someone use it whom I consider a friend, suddenly I find myself questioning how much I should trust them.
And I will not abide those who roll their eyes and insist this is a minor issue and I’m – wait for it, here it comes – too sensitive.
If you give a shit about the status of women in society, you will STOP using those insults. That’s all there is to it.
Apr 28 2009 09:42 am | Category:
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