Being Amber Rhea

I realize I haven’t put up a real blog post in a week. In a way that feels like ages ago, in another way it feels like mere minutes ago. Same as always; I won’t go off on the tired old babbling about the subjective, convoluted nature of time.

So much to say but I don’t even know where to start. I’ve had trouble falling asleep all week, and many nights I’ve written ridiculously long blog posts in my head as I lay awake in the dark. I’ve also been drinking too much sweet tea over the past few days, left over from Tuesday’s delicious catering from Wife Saver; but I know my fitful sleep is attributable to far more than just extra caffeine.

If I’d had any forethought (but how could I have?) I would’ve brought my old-school paper journal with me to Chicago, meaning I’d have it here with me now, and I could be scribbling in it whenever the spirit moves. I know I’ll be doing a fair amount of that when I get home. And I also know I need to do more writing here, and it needs to come from the gut, without a filter; I guess death always makes you reassess things and realize, starkly, how short and fleeting life can be. So I need to write here for the reason I started this blog: for ME. I need to write in MY style, which admittedly others won’t always grok. But that’s okay. Because it’s not about them. And all of this has made me feel like I can do it, must do it, write for my life, without worrying about who I might piss off or what some nebulous “they” might think.

It feels weird to know that I’m going home tomorrow. It’s been over a week since I’ve been home, slept in my own bed, seen my finches, watched my Tivo, sat at my desk… it’s been over two weeks since I’ve been to work. I know getting back into the swing of things will feel good. But like I said, it also just feels weird. Everything has felt so surreal this week. I feel like things are in a state of suspended animation and I’m moving in slow motion… that’s the best way I can describe it, and even that is not totally accurate. I don’t know when I’ll come out of this state. I do know that the old truism about never knowing how a traumatic event will affect you until you’re actually dealing with it is right on.

I’ve had nightmares almost every night I’ve been here (when I’ve been able to remember my dreams at all, that is). And yet I’ve stayed in bed until late morning whenever possible, until my back hurts and my shoulders are screaming for a massage, because the lethargy is just too great to overcome. Really the only thing that forces me out of bed is having to pee.

One weird thing that’s happened while I was here: my mom’s AC literally froze. As in, the AC repair guy came out to look at it and said it had turned into a block of ice. We ran the fan for a full day in order to thaw it out (it’s back to normal now). I’d never heard of anything like that!

—

Chicago, Tuesday, July 17th, around 9:00 p.m.: phone call from my mom. I had been waiting for a call and I knew it wouldn’t be good. And I guess maybe part of me knew exactly how not good (or good, depending on how you look at it; he was suffering a lot, after all) it would be. Dacia and I were walking down Belmont looking for food. I stepped into an alleyway so I could hear my mom better. She sounded quiet and deflated, like she had been crying but wasn’t crying at that moment.

“Hi Amber. Well… Dad died.”

What could I say but, after a big gulp of air, “Okay. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

We talked for a few more minutes. I don’t remember what all she said. I do remember he passed away at 8:20 p.m., and about six people were in the room with him at the time.

I told Dacia. We hugged. We stood there. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said, “I know it sounds bad, but I want to eat dinner.”

She rubbed my back and said, “That’s what you do when you’re alive. You eat.”

—

Thanks, Dorie, for looking after our finches.

More posting to come, either really soon or not.

Just another quick post… still in Augusta, but will be heading home soon. Two hospice nurses came (as well as a bunch of people to visit my dad) and moved him into the hospital bed in the living room. He seems a bit more comfortable now.

My emotions are all over the place: sad, numb, angry, surprisingly okay, patient, impatient, resentful, disappointed, annoyed, overwhelmed, resigned, irritated, stressed, deflated, exhausted (well, that one has stayed pretty steady)… basically anything you can think of.

I am really looking forward to the Desiree Alliance conference. I’m also really looking forward to SLEEPING, and spending “alone time” with Rusty. (I don’t mean sex, although I’m looking forward to that, too; but I wouldn’t use a stupid euphemism like “alone time” for sex.)

Thanks again to others who have called/emailed since I last wrote. At the moment I feel too emotionally worn out to return calls and such (hope you understand), but I really do appreciate it.

Okay gotta go eat the onion rings Rusty got me from Burger King. Such healthy eating, I know.

Just a quick post. I’m in Augusta, and I’m very tired. My dad came home today (as you saw if you follow my updates on Twitter). It was a really difficult experience seeing him so weak, having to be physically lifted and moved by the EMT guys (who were really great, btw). He had some visitors later… generally he seems to have a good attitude, and still has his sense of humor. But overall it is very sad. I’ve been a lot less teary-eyed this weekend than last, though I still have been on the verge of crying several times. I think maybe it’s because now we actually know what his diagnosis is, instead of being in the hospital, waiting on tests, dealing w/ incompetent interns, etc.? Maybe. I’m sure my emotions and how I cope will be all over the place, depending on the day and the situation.

I’m still going to Chicago next week. I feel kind of guilty for doing so, but I also know I need some “me” time. I’ll probably be coming to Augusta a lot more frequently. I don’t feel quite as anxious about the whole situation as I did a few days ago, now that I know he’ll be getting hospice care. I did some reading about hospice and what it encompasses, and it looks like basically they will do anything and everything you need. So now I don’t feel quite so worried about my mom (even though I am still worried, but just not on that one particular level).

If you have called, texted, emailed, sent a Twitter direct mesage or @ message, or any other form of supportive communication - THANK YOU. I really appreciate it and it means so much to me. I really want to convey my sincerity on that. I’m sorry that I probably won’t be answering everyone individually (due to time, stress, exhaustion, etc.) but knowing that there are people out there who truly do care has made a big difference. ‘Cause sometimes, well, I don’t trust people very easily and I wonder if I’m mostly “alone.” This has made me feel like maybe I’m not. And whether it’s true or not, it’s a nice feeling.

Thanks for meeting us at Waffle House tonight, Jen… that was a fun distraction. Overall keeping a sense of humor (when it’s appropriate, I mean) is very helpful for me. And so is being able to lean on Rusty. I know you’re reading this, GDBF… I love you and I can’t articulate how grateful I am.

Jenny, I’ll try to call you tomorrow. I don’t mean to add more drama, but… well, I know you’re always there (I never have any doubts about “aloneness” with you!) and your text message today made me tear up (in a good way), and I showed it to my mom and she said that was so sweet of you. If I get time tomorrow, I’ll call, and I’ll probably just want to ramble.

I still have this stupid weird feeling like if people see me writing about this they’ll think I’m trying to say I’m the only one who’s ever dealt with a parent with cancer. I know that’s ridiculous. That’s one of the things you never have to think about with an old-fashioned paper journal, for sure!

Okay, I guess that’s all for now… Rusty’s in the shower, I’m just trying to stay awake until he’s done. Tomorrow the hospice nurse is coming over at some point, and they might be delivering my dad’s hospital bed (or it might be on Sunday). Some password-protected posts will come eventually, as will a bunch of scanned old photos.

We’re heading to Augusta for a few days. We’ll also be doing another excursion to small Georgia towns for photos and exploring. Not sure how much I’ll be on the computer over the next few days, but before the year is over I will put up a 2007 In Pictures post, following the meme Rusty started!

Also, remember to call 678.389.9441 if you have anything for our end-of-year podcast!

Wow. What to say about this weekend?

I’m still recovering, since I’ve been going a mile a minute all day today with work stuff. But I need to try to put together some kind of wrap-up…

As mentioned previously, Friday night we hung out at the Hyatt with some fellow bloggers and their entertaining friends. A podcast resulted. (Sorry about the lackluster sound quality, but we were in a crowded, noisy bar; whaddaya want?) I’m pretty sure we were invited to an orgy. Well, it was either a thinly veiled invitation or just a statement of fact, though given the general environs I think the former is more likely.

Saturday morning I had to get up early to go get my bi-monthly haircut. After that, breakfast at Radial, and a quick trip to Junkman’s to get more appropriate attire, we were back at Dragon*Con. We participated in a panel entitled Interviews: Getting and Doing, which was part of the new podcasting track. And shockingly enough, a podcast of the panel is available by clicking the link on the panel name!

After that panel, Rusty headed home to watch football. I stayed and met up with Leann of Tag in the Seam and Laura of The Coffee and Tea Show and The Rocky Horror Podshow. They both are awesome, amazing, and hilarious, and I’m really glad we finally got to meet IRL! I also ran into Sam of The Bear’s Grove, another kick-ass GAPN affiliate.

Later that afternoon, I participated in the Women in Podcasting panel, the podcast of which should be available tonight is now available. Leann tried to persuade me to stay around for some more events and general debauchery after that, but I was so wiped out that I went home and went straight to bed.

Sunday morning we got up early and set out for Augusta, on a mission to photograph the locations of a bunch of former nightclubs from 35+ years ago. These were all clubs advertised in the 1971 magazine, “The Scene in Greater Augusta” (see Flickr set or listen to the podcast). We managed to track down most of the places we were looking for - although a few of the locations are in dispute from people who would know better than me, since they were actually alive at the time. Anyhow, it was a lot of fun, and you can see the photos here. On the way home that night, a long discussion ensued about how we love history, architecture, and especially when the two come together and include people’s personal memories and anecdotes.

Monday? Back to Dragon*Con to participate in one more panel: Podcasting Directories. The recording of that one should be up within the next few days.

Overall, the weekend was a blast. I had way more fun at Dragon*Con than I’d expected. Next year, we want to plan ahead and really do it up. (And who knows, maybe we’ll be big hotshot podcasters by then! Eh, probably not; but we’ll still throw a good hotel room party.)

Anyway… It was great to meet so many fellow podcasters this weekend. I would try to list them all, but I know I’d forget someone and then feel like an ass - so I’ll just say, you all know who you are! I would, however, like to give a special shout-out to Swoopy and Derek of Skepticality and thank them for putting together the podcsating track. I can hardly wait for next year!

Now… maybe eventually I’ll get caught up on blogging, blog-reading, etc., amid dealing with the obligations of my day job and trying to get some sleep!

Remember the podcast Rusty and I did a few weeks ago, about Augusta nightlife in the seventies? (If you don’t remember, you’d better git yer ass over to the Georgia Podcast Network and listen to it.) Well, I finally got around to scanning some of the pages of one of the magazines we read from, so you can see the hilarity for yourself. Also, Rusty and I have plans to go to Augusta next Sunday and go around photographing the locations of the former clubs mentioned therein. Should be very interesting (to us, anyway; we’re dorks like that).