Being Amber Rhea

That Geoff Livingston guy linked to me again the other day. For someone who thinks I’m silly and stupid, he sure does link to me a lot! At first I didn’t read the post, I just saw the trackback, and it included the words “defend your right to be stupid.” *eyeroll* Then, J (incidentally, the title of this post comes from something J said a while back, which is now in my header quote rotation) told me he’d read it, because the post included a link to his blog as well, and he was pissed - so I finally went and read it myself.

It wasn’t anger I felt when I read the post, just immense frustration - that same “brick wall” feeling I mentioned yesterday. The most frustrating thing about dealing with people like this is that I really feel like we’re having two different conversations. I’m saying one thing, but he’s responding to something completely different. You can understand why that can be a little maddening.

I am sure that Geoff Livingston and other “social media consultants,” “digital entrepreneurs,” whatever other buzzword-laden terminology they self-apply, truly believe that they’re teaching people the right way to blog and to implement a social media strategy. But I’m firmly in the camp with something I believe Josh Hallett said: if you use “social media” and “strategy” in the same sentence, you’re doing it wrong.

The problem as I see it is that a lot of the sites that call themselves blogs really aren’t. They should stop using the term because it just confuses things. Instead of constantly having to differentiate between different types of blogs and explain that the different varieties have different purposes, we should start using new terminology. The Gawker blogs publish several posts an hour; combine that with their writing style, funding, and a bunch of other traits, and come on, that’s not really a blog anymore. “Online magazine,” for example, would be more appropriate. And if you’re “leveraging” a blog to drive traffic to your business, then fine, but own it and call it what it is: NOT a blog. Some of these corporate blogs read as little more than press releases.

I’m not saying that such sites don’t have value. For some people, I’m sure they do. For me, not so much; but that’s the great thing about the internet and social media, we all get to decide what’s valuable to us. So that’s a big part of why the dismissive attitude from people like Geoff Livingston really gets under my skin. He seems to think blogs like mine don’t have value. But how do you define value? I’m not trying to make a buck. I’m not trying to create business opportunities. To measure blogs like mine with that sort of yardstick makes no sense.

Besides, I think personal blogs have tremendous value. 100 years from now, what will our great-grandchildren look back on? Personal blogs will be treasures. Think about it - history books are great, but when we find old letters, diaries, written records of people’s day to day lives, that is something really special, because it’s a person who lived in that time period telling their own story in their own words. No filters, no dressed-up language, no glossing over the nasty bits. We’re putting down that kind of record for future generations to find. Blogs about branding and social media strategy might be useful today, to business owners, for example; but where will they rate in 100 years? Are people going to be as interested in advice for how a 100-year-old business should engage with its customers as they are in reading how their great-grandmother felt the night Barack Obama was elected?

The other day, Rusty threw this post out on Twitter. It really rankled me. Joseph has already written a great response and I’d like to echo much of what he wrote, especially this:

The power of the platform was never that Joe Blow could become a “star” or rise to the Technorati Top 100 - it was simply the promise of an easy way for anyone (from a large corporation to a guy in his living-room) to publish on the Internet.

First of all it just irritates me when people write over-the-top posts sounding a death knell for anything. Secondly I’m pretty amused by it because this guy’s blog appears to be exactly the type of blog that he’s bemoaning for “killing” personal blogs. Self-awareness, now that is valuable.

Personal blogs are still alive and well, though I do think many of them have changed in form a bit - but that’s natural, as anything will change over time; and as more people are blogging, many of us are dealing with questions of boundaries and when our story becomes someone else’s. That’s not an indictment of the medium but a simple fact of being part of a community.

It’s really not important who’s in the Technorati Top 100. Personal blogs are about chronicling one’s life and forging a connection with others who share similar experiences. That’s still happening, and the fact that Nick Carr might not see it doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe he doesn’t visit the areas of the blogosphere where personal stories are thriving, but whose fault is that?

So, defending my right to be stupid isn’t part of the equation at all. But defending the value of being human? That’s what it’s all about.

Sometimes I wish my grandmother had a blog. If she did, I think it would be a lot like this one (via Blog for Democracy).

Just the other day on the phone Gran said that people who are undecided voters are “imbeciles” and to be undecided at such a late date is a “sign of stupidity.” She also derided Sarah Palin’s hairstyle - which I would not be okay with from basically anybody else, but from her, somehow it’s hilarious. She often remarks that Republicans are “mean and hateful.” Of George W. Bush, she has said, among many other things, “I don’t understand how any man can be so stupid. He had a nice education, you know.”

An unsolicited, somewhat spammy-looking email I received this morning said:

Greetings!
Dust off your shelf and make room for a Chapeau Blog Award!

Be one of the first to enter the exclusive Chapeau Blog Award contest, solely dedicated to honoring the creative and inspired art of blogging.

Entering is an easy 2 step process.

Step 1
Enter one or many of the 12 industry categories.
There is a fit for each and every blog, including:

• Arts & Design
• Technology
• Marketing & Advertising
• Hobbies
• Travel & Leisure
• Entertaining
• Health & Beauty
• Parenting
• Real Estate & Development
• Finance
• News
• Web Design & Development

[rest of the email snipped for irrelevance to this post]

A fit for every blog? Really?

Personally I see a lot of things missing. Politics, anyone? Music? Food? And yet “Web Design & Development” is a separate category from “Technology.” And what does “Entertaining” mean?

And, of course, the perennially-missing-from-everything category: sexuality.

But I can’t say I’m surprised. We’ve been there before. I used to get really angry but mostly at this point I’m just sad and deflated, and frustrated at how people seem so invested in maintaining the negative compartmentalization of sexuality - and always, the ones who hurt the most are women, queer folks, trans folks, and anyone with non-traditional (whatever that means anyway!) sexuality.

I know these awards don’t matter - I mean WTF is this, anyway? - but it’s not about these particular awards. It’s about a pattern. But I’ve said that before, too.

ETA: Ren, I’m going to need a new Typical file!

Libertarians, take note! Interesting thread going on at Ren’s. I’ve left two comments so far…

I’m not a Libertarian, but I know a lot of my views aren’t exactly popular in certain segments of the feminist blogosphere either. All the “you’ve gotta be anti-capitalist,” like that’s the only way to be, pisses me off and strikes of 1) a certain nasty flavor of The P-word (yes, privilege!!) and 2) projection.

Yes, I know what it’s like to feel pissed off at people who appear more financially well-off than you are. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. But I also know that the anger and assumptions I often made about them were completely unfair and came from a place of my own insecurity, and anger at A SYSTEM, manifested as anger at A PERSON. This is why I HATE HATE HATE when people make assumptions about “so and so is well-off” or “so and so lives a comfortable middle class existence” when in reality they NO (sic) NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

See, this is making me use all caps!

and (starting w/ me quoting a comment by Daisy)…

Ren, I love the common sense attitude the libertarians have, but many here in the south lean to the right and do not count abortion rights in their libertarianism, which I think is odd. (Most DO count drugs, porn and guns)

Most of the Libertarians I know (who are involved w/ the Libertarian Party of Georgia) do support abortion rights, as long as the state does not have to pay for it.

This is one of the many problems I have with Libertarians, but that’s another story.

I went to a breakfast meet-and-greet thing the Libertarian Party of Georgia recently had for bloggers, where there were several candidates present (including those running for PSC, which is actually a very important office but no one [including me, until recently] knows WTF they do). On some issues I felt like raising my fist in solidarity with them - e.g., consumer rights - but then they would veer toward (from my perspective) “crazy” territory - e.g., abolishing the department of education - and I just couldn’t take them seriously.

I could’ve corrected the unfortunate “NO” but 1) why try to rewrite history, when a simple click-through can tell the truth? and 2) I just love any opportunity to use pretentious Latin notations. I think it just goes to show how passionate I was when I was typing. Yes, I admit it, I messed up no/know… it happens to the best of us, right?

I go through phases with blogging. Sometimes I want to pour my heart and soul out, and other times I’m just not feeling it. This past week has been one of the “just not feeling it” times. The only two three posts I’ve done haven’t been remotely personal, and were mostly blockquotes. I’ve been finding myself falling back into some old patterns of not taking care of myself and not speaking my needs, and I’ve been trying to focus on how to make that stop.

—

House-hunting will resume possibly next weekend.

—

A while ago I had a dream that my mom was trying to force me to wear make-up. I was really distressed and started crying and saying that I didn’t want to wear make-up, but she kept insisting. This kind of happened in real life when I was a teenager, though never to such an extreme. And besides, I actually did wear make-up when I was a teenager (most of the time) - I even used glitter eyeshadow! By the time I was in college, though, I’d decided it wasn’t my thing.

—

Next Thursday, I turn 29. I’m trying not to have an existential crisis about it. Not only is that cliché, but I really should save it for when I turn 30. (I already had the requisite “quarter century crisis” when I turned 25.)

I decided that for my birthday, I’m going to do something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time - get professional photos taken. I’m getting déjà vu writing this, but I swear it’s going to happen for real this time (but that’s another story). I’ve paid the deposit, picked out my outfits… and the shoot is set for next Sunday. We’re still working on a location but I have no doubt we’ll find something great; I just hope it’s not too cold.

I don’t want to write more about it right now because I don’t want to jinx anything. But, if this goes well, I might do it again!

—

I am very disturbed by this. I mean, what the fucking hell?

—

Recently while looking for my DVD of Lost In Translation, I found the video I made after completing my senior project in high school. I interned at Flagpole for two weeks, and what I learned was that I didn’t want to be a journalist. I haven’t watched the video since the day I showed it to my class. As I mentioned previously, our VCR died, but fortunately thanks to Twitter I found out Jen has one she doesn’t want, so as soon as I get that from her I can watch the video and digitize it and put it on YouTube. I remember it being pretty good; we’ll see if I still feel that way 10 years later.

—

Last night I was at Barnes and Noble and they had this stupid “Porno for Women” display:

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I saw chickens in front of an abandoned school on Huff Road:

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I need to write a full post with my thoughts on this. I love AV Flox’s blog, and if you aren’t reading it, you should be. This is the sort of writing that someone should be getting paid for! It blows me away. One pet peeve about the post in question: Emily Gould did not coin the term “overshare.” Dooce used it in a 2005 interview in Glamour magazine, and that’s just what I know of. Someone else probably used it before that.

—

I’ve been having fun with my Tumblr (I think the actual correct terminology for an individual Tumblr blog is “Tumblog,” but I refuse to say that, because I think it sounds stupid). I should probably warn you that it’s not safe for work, but I hate that whole “NSFW” thing, so… consider this an ass-backwards non-warning, I guess.

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We should probably do a new episode of Mostly ITP soon. Who should we interview?

—

Tonight on the phone, my grandmother said, “These stupid people who say they haven’t decided who to vote for! How can they be undecided at this late of a date? I think they’re just imbeciles.”

—

Jenny: where are your dispatches from the Obama campaign??

From AV Flox:

It’s not easy to put your thoughts and experience out into the world, especially in a culture that believes that they have the right to destroy everything that isn’t hidden or somehow protected.

“Would you graffiti a car in the street just because it wasn’t parked inside a garage?” I asked a friend once.

“That analogy doesn’t even make sense,” she responded. “The car belongs to someone.”

“So do the words used to represent the thoughts this person is expressing. So does that blog. The internet is a space and a post is a person’s property. And by leaving a vicious and useless anonymous comment, you’re vandalizing it.”

She didn’t respond.

I’m making a personal vow (yet again - maybe it’ll stick this time) to cease and desist reading all blogs that try to make you (general “you”) feel guilty about saying there are any problems in your life, if you’re not living in a cardboard box and selling your children for beans. Or whatever it is. (And usually living in another country, because certainly we don’t have any real problems here, and if people aren’t DYING DYING DYING then it’s not all that bad, now is it.)

Also, certain blogs where the word “privilege” is used as an accusation, a means of silencing.

And, of course, as usual, the blogs that deny that such a thing as privilege even exists - the ones that make me feel like I have a to put in a disclaimer every time I write a sentence like the one above, because they’re such amazing ASSHOLES and that is not what I’m talking about. But then, I don’t actually need a new vow for them, because I stopped reading them years ago - it’s the others that are a problem for me.

Race trumps gender… gender trumps race… this -ism is worse than that -ism… I’m sick of it having to be a fucking CONTEST! That’s not what intersectionality is!

The annoyance level, it is high.

Re: this Feministe post (which a friend emailed me, because as I mentioned, I’ve been taking a break from reading most blogs)…

I must rant as if no one is looking, briefly.

I’m fed up w/ this bullshit. FED UP. I am just sick of all this groupthink/lockstep mentality going on. And I’m sorry but I’ve always thought that the people who think socialism is so awesome are privileged in their OWN way (as much as I’m sick of the word “privilege” being thrown around so much, too…) because it’s like, you know what, I know what it’s like to NOT have money, and I know it’s not romantic or revolutionary or transgressive - it SUCKS. So for me, having money is empowering not to mention “empaychecking.” Not everybody has the luxury to worry about what the best economic system is when they have to put food on the table, ever think of that? Plus the same old thing I keep coming back to… WHY is having money BAD?? It’s what you do with that money that counts, and yeah, feeding your family is pretty damn awesome. If you also have enough money to help others outside your family? GREAT!! But serious change takes economic leverage, and if we constantly vilify anybody who has a certain amount of money, we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot.

I’m fucking sick of it.

So there yo go. Cast me out, if you will. *shrug*

So a few days ago Grayson was kicked off the front page of Peach Pundit. I don’t read Peach Pundit, because I find the place toxic and can’t bear to be there for even a few seconds without feeling ill (and no, I’m not exaggerating), so I wouldn’t have known if someone else hadn’t told me. Frankly I don’t understand why so many people seem to bow to Peach Pundit even though it’s blatantly obvious that the place is not trying to be some comprehensive resource for Georgia politics, and exists only as a place for the nastiest version of the old boys club, moved online, to jerk themselves off and feel better about themselves by hurling around schoolyard insults. Problem being, of course, that when you’re in a position of power and privilege relative to those who are on the receiving end of the hurling, it’s not something that can be written off with “just ignore it” or “they’re just idiots.” I mean, they are idiots, but they’re idiots whose words and actions can have real-world effects. This is why the “just ignore it” trope never worked for me. (Well, this and other, related reasons.) Not everyone has the luxury of “just ignoring it” - because if you do, something terrible and very real might happen.

That said, I do my best to “ignore it” by simply not visiting Peach Pundit. I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment without adding that heaping mound of BS. There isn’t room in my brain to deal with the drama of a bunch of disaffected white guys who totally aren’t sexist, so why don’t you shut up about it already… geez why are you so oversensitive, you humorless bitch? Also, you’re ugly, and probably a lesbian (because that would be the worst thing!), and I would never fuck you (such a loss!), etc. etc.

This is my lived experience. This is the lived experience of countless other women. No, you do not get to question it or invalidate it. THIS IS MY TRUTH. IT IS REAL.

So anyway, I didn’t know about Grayson being kicked off until Rusty told me about it. I thought, “Huh, that’s fucked up” but didn’t think more because like I said, there’s just not room in my brain right now for the PP bullshit - I have more important things I need to think about. I never understood why Grayson wrote there in the first place; the few times I would go over to PP (before I imposed a self-ban for the sake of my mental health) I would see her getting attacked and abused constantly, and no one did a damn thing about it. As for why she continued to write there, the only thing I could think was it was like Melissa’s reason for persevering at Valleywag (a place I find comparably hostile, if not as openly Republican):

My tactic has been to go ahead and take my stories where they dare not go, breaking with this whole “pink ghetto” nonsense as a game — I want to see what happens when I refuse to believe that there’s a certain way to be authentic and there’s a certain “right” audience for my work. Being a whore has made me very, very comfortable with letting people think I’m everything they want me to be for them, even as I’m doing (mostly) what I please.

And I really respect that. Coincidentally, Melissa put up that post right around the time I quit Download Squad. Some people can stand up to that sort of abuse, and not let it get them down, and stay focused on what they’re trying to do, and hopefully reach even just 1 person out of 1,000. I can’t. I don’t think that makes me weak or not as good of a writer/blogger/idealist/whatever or not as dedicated… or whatever else people might be prone to say. Those accusations are the easy way out, the way to cast judgment without taking a deeper look at all the layers of a situation.

Going back to Melissa’s quote above, the part I’m not comfortable with is letting people think I’m [x], when really I’m doing my own thing. I have my moments; in certain situations, I can handle that. But overall? I have this need for people to understand, and anything else feels out of whack in my system, and I can’t deal. I know that’s a hindrance to me, because there are some people who just won’t understand, plain and simple, because of their own shit, no matter how much I try to explain and be clear and find the point of communication breakdown. I wish I could get over that, though, because I know it’s pragmatism (which I am a huge fan of); that’s how you get what you need done. I guess for me, getting what I need done has to take other avenues, for now.

As for Grayson’s situation at Peach Pundit, let me be very clear(!) that this has fuck-all to do with the substance of her writing there: was it on topic, was it off topic, was it inflammatory, blah blah blah. I don’t know, because I didn’t read it; and I don’t care. It’s immaterial to my concerns. To try to drag that into the conversation is to divert attention from the larger issue and to move dangerously close to “blame the victim” territory. What I care about is the pattern of behavior. This is how women are treated online. This is the same old shit over and over again, regardless of the particulars of the situation of the moment. This is how male bloggers go around their ass to get to their elbow, anything, my god, to avoid admitting that yeah, there’s a gendered explanation for what they’re doing, and the problem is with them, and it’s not okay.

This exhausts me. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat the same basic shit. And it’s not about my personal feelings for one blogger or another. It’s about a pattern of behavior. I can hardly even bear to type this because it feels so ridiculously repetitive - and it just upsets me. A lot.

Here’s an IM conversation between Rusty and me, from a few days ago. Ideally, I would write a totally well-thought-out, well-written post based on this conversation, complete with links and citations and references; instead, I’m letting it stand alone.

[15:55] Rusty: saw the email re: grayson…on one hand feel sort of bad for piling on, but on the other can’t really help but be a little disappointed that she got pretty viciously personal about it
[15:56] Amber: yeah, but i don’t think it’s really an appropriate time to focus on that. it reminds me of ppl who try to pretend all things are equal when they’re not. it’s like, why focus on that (whcih sucked and was uncalled for, no one is denying that) and not the MOUNTAIN of SHIT they’ve heaped on her?
[15:57] Amber: it’s like, you do one little thing that’s “out of line” when you’re dealing with people shitting all over you, and THAT is what gets focused on/ called out. i’ve seen it a lot ’round my blogosphere travels, and it bothers me.
[15:59] Rusty: thing is, she has been writing tons of irrelevant posts on the site..and yeah, other people write some, but with her it was like more than half her posts were that way…erick has been kind of spineless about reigning that in, hence exposing her to a lot of abuse that could have been avoided
[16:00] Amber: well see, i think that’s erick’s fault
[16:00] Amber: it’s his responsibility, as editor, to tell ppl when they are writing off topic stuff and make sure they don’t continue
[16:00] Rusty: yeah, which is something I mentioned in my blog post
[16:01] Amber: i know, which further shows that the playing field isn’t even. it’s like, why focus on her remark, rather than his lack of holding up his responsibilities, and then just pulling the plug? that was a shitty and unprofessional (and he wants to be “professional” which is why i pull that out) thing to do
[16:04] Rusty: it was still an uncool remark that I can’t let slide without saying something, even all other things considered…how devastating would it be if someone started talking her and her kid? I don’t think that’s acceptable under any circumstance
[16:05] Amber: it’s not acceptable, and i don’t disagree w/ that. but why let all of the other bullshit abuse she’s taken slide, and not this?
[16:05] Rusty: I don’t think I’m letting it slide
[16:06] Amber: it’s been going on for months… so my thing is, when ppl do this, it’s like, ok, yeah, that one thing was shitty, but how about this mountaitn of shit that’s been going on for a long time and is much worse? why did that never warrant a calling-out? why pile on the person being shat on at this particular time?
[16:07] Rusty: well, take the thing with jefferson…lots of people have been letting a lot of shitty behavior slide for a long time and are just now talking about it publicly..you included…that doesn’t invalidate any of it
[16:08] Amber: i see this as a different situation, bc jefferson has a court case going on with real-world implications and is asking for money
[16:09] Amber: i think what pushed a lot of ppl over the edge w/ him is that he’s asking for $20,000
[16:10] Rusty: yeah, certainly that’s greater motivation than in this case…but sometimes it takes a big public display to draw those comments out
[16:11] Amber: i think in the case w/ grayson, it’s pretty lopsided
[16:11] Amber: i’ve just seen this happen far too often in some of the blog circles i frequent, esp. with women… it happened to me at download squad, for example
[16:12] Amber: ppl left some vile, misogynistic comments on my post - personal comments -and nobody said a word. but the minute i did something i maybe shouldn’t have - twittered that the commenters were assholes - everybody was all over my shit
[16:12] Amber: now you tell me that’s fair
[16:16] Rusty: nope, not fair at all…and I’m not at all arguing that grayson has been treated fairly there…she hasn’t…but while erick may be tangentially responsible for some vile things said to her through his editorial negligence, he never personally attacked her…and she brought his parenting into it…I still think that’s beyond the pale even given the history
[16:19] Amber: he never personally attacked her, but he never defended her, either. and in a way that’s worse. at download squad, grant never personally attacked me, but he never stepped in to say anything to the misogynistic commenters, either - and as editor that was his responsibility. and i think that’s worse. it stinks.
[16:21] Rusty: it’s definitely shitty. but again, I’m disappointed that she went there because it makes the job of defending her very difficult. it was a fucked up thing to say
[16:23] Amber: it totally was. and i thnk there’s a way to point that out w/o making it seem slanted like “let’s focus on this one thing she said while people were treating her like garbage”. there’s a way to say that personal attacks are uncalled for, and use that as one example - but point out that the MOUNTAIN of unprovoked, awful comments she endured for months with no defense are a million other examples, and the silence on the matter has been deafening
[16:25] Rusty: I think I tried to acknowledge that in my post
[16:25] Rusty: I think there are problems with Peach Pundit, and that Grayson has taken abuse there that is disproportionate to any wrongs she is alleged to have committed prior to today.
[16:26] Amber: i just don’t think that point has been made - by anyone, me included, and that’s my bad bc i’ve been meaning to write on it, and now this happens - strongly enough
[16:27] Amber: women take this kind of abuse online all the fuckin time and if we dare talk about it we’re told we’re whiners and we can’t take the heat and we need to grow a thick skin… i’m fucking sick to death of it

Erick never personally attacked her. Grant never personally attacked me. Oh great. Do they get a medal?

*sigh* I don’t know what else to say. I need to lie down. Would I handle this better if I weren’t in the middle of dealing w/ grief? Maybe. But if I’m totally honest… probably not. It would still twist itself up in my gut, sitting there and eating at me and making me feel awful.

I’m putting this up without proofreading. Just, there. Now, I’ll go rest for a while before we go to Home Depot to get something to hang the bird feeder on, so the squirrels won’t steal seed from the bird friends that visit our balcony. Like this one, from Flickr user stewickie:

I figured it would be good to end on a happy note, with a photo of a bird!

My comments on Dacia’s post from yesterday…

Comment numero uno:

I think you did as good a job w/ this post.

I think what ppl from the outside looking in don’t get is, it’s NOT a clearcut case of Jefferson being vilified for his sexuality. And it’s not simply that he wrote about his sex life and also happened to have kids (which would be the classic “parent” == “not sexualized” fear response) - it’s that he wrote about his sex life and his kids in a very public way in the same forum… AND arguably took advantage of insecure women AND has a drinking problem.

I think (hope) that there’s got to be a way to fight the very REAL problems of sexual stigmatization and compartmentalization of sexuality without harming oneself in the process… and there’s got to be away to address these issues without letting someone’s bad behavior go excused unde the guise of it. Because no one is talking about that other stuff. Maybe - and I can understand this - they think it’ll make the sex blogging community “look bad” somehow. But the solution is certainly NOT to close ranks and sweep it under the rug for the sake of party unity.

I hate that there’s really no way to say any of this without it sounding like blaming the victim; but the fact is, this situation is so much more complex than how it’s being painted.

The legitimate question remains of, why bring these issues up now, when he’s “down?” Why didn’t anyone speak up before? And yeah, that’s a damn good question. Of course, it’s bc it’s germane to bring them up now; and I can’t fault people for not wanting to invite drama prior to this. But the mere fact that no one has wanted to touch it at all is telling.

Comment numero dos:

Suzanne Portnoy,
There are reasons (which have nothing at all to do w/ sexuality) to question Jefferson’s ability to provide for his kids, but I don’t feel comfortable bringing them up because it starts to veer into invasion of privacy territory, and it feels a little creepy to me. This is essentially a non-comment, I know, but I wanted to say *something*, just so people know that there *is* more to this story than even Dacia has posted here. There’s backstory that the casual blog reader won’t and can’t be expected to know.

I hate doing this cop-out “paste in my comments” post about this topic, but I don’t have any time for much more at the moment. Hopefully that will change later today and I can write more when I get home. Realistically, though, I’ll probably collapse into bed; my Ambien hasn’t arrived yet and I didn’t take a Tylenol PM last night, and guess what, it was back to the nightmares, cold sweats, and tossing and turning.

Here’s a list of What I Think about some recent and not-so-recent happenings, designed to illustrate the fact that very few issues are cut and dry, and context matters. To some I might look like a big ol’ contradiction with all this. I’m okay with that.

White progressive bloggers Photoshopping blackface on politicians and claiming it’s satire or “ironic” - Not cool. Totally agree w/ Liza Sabater and many other bloggers who pointed out that, hey, white dude, you don’t get to be the arbiter of what is and isn’t racist. And the more you try to defend your shit with “It’s satire!” the more of an ass you sound like - especially when you go on to tell a woman of color not to “assail [her] betters.” I remember how shocked I was with T-Rex’s behavior when all this went down. Big ol’ FAIL stamp, except, sadly, I didn’t have one of those two years ago.

New Yorker cover - I feel the opposite of above, although I do understand and appreciate the same sentiment at work. I think it is a good example of actual satire; and after all, this is the New Yorker, not the New York Post. Overall, I lean toward Jon Stewart’s “It’s just a fucking cartoon!” but I want to be very very careful about that, because I don’t think “It’s just _____” is or should be a justification for anything. Just look at this, for a particularly timely and unfortunate example. Also, it’s the same kind of rhetoric assholes of various Republicanish-leaning stripes use against progressives, especially feminists: the old “no sense of humor” trope. Hi, here’s a thought: maybe it’s not that we don’t have a sense of humor, maybe it’s that your jokes aren’t funny.

The stripper cartoon referenced in the above graf - I don’t think it’s racist. I’m trying to just chill out and appreciate where/how some other folks whom I respect do think that, but I admit to feeling a little exasperated with it. But, I don’t think I have to say there’s about a million things wrong with that cartoon anyway. I just wonder why the focus has to shift away from the obvious central message, which is that strippers are too stupid and deluded to make their own decisions and it doesn’t matter what they think anyway.

Toby Keith lyrics (not satire) - This hadn’t even been on my radar; let’s just say I’ve had more pressing things to deal with. Then I saw Griftdrift had a post about it. I didn’t read the Huffington Post article because I didn’t care enough; I did go read the lyrics to the song out of curiosity, though. At Manuel’s I was telling Griftdrift that I can see how you could interpret the lyrics as being about racist lynching, and he started to get all up in my face about it (right after I’d told that story about the guy on the plane who could’ve been in first class but ended up in jail, with his name on the no-fly list!) but I kept talking so I could finish my sentence, which was something like, “But it’s pretty flimsy.” I definitely agree about self-identified progressives having preconceived notions about the South, and being big fat fucking hypocrites. Anyway, about the song, mostly I don’t care. It’s Toby Keith for fuck’s sake.

Cliff Bostock’s column about political correctness and a 1967 essay that uses the N-word - I agree with Cliff’s main point that flying off the handle about any usage of the N-word without considering context is a bit much. I think there are some good points to be made here, but he weakens his entire argument by resorting to the “lack a sense of humor” thing. Come on, Cliff, you can do better than that. Why go for the low-hanging (not to mention totally irrelevant) fruit?

John Kerry says “tar baby” (and Tony Snow said it a while back, too; also not satire) - Not racist. Sorry, sticking to that one (oh, ha!). I get that the term “tar baby” has also been used as a racial slur. But that’s not the case here. Here’s what it actually means. And I hate that saying this lumps me in with people like Daily Kos denizens (or Firedoglake!), but there you go.

—

Consider this yet another attempt at writing as if no one is reading. I’m nervous about hitting Publish, but I might as well get some practice in. And besides, as Joseph reminded me via email today (thanks, Joseph!) it’s not like I haven’t dealt with a whole hell of a lot of shit on my blog already.

*sigh* Oh well.

Last night, several of us local thin-skinned types got together for food and beverages at our collective second office, and talked about the latest “us vs. them” dust-up and Lack Of Getting It on the part of some traditional media folk. At one point Sara and I said something to one of the Democratic Party guys who’d shown up to do Jäger bombs about how our blogs were a little different because they’re not straight-up political blogs. And this is something I’ve talked about all over the place plenty of times before: how making sweeping statements about “blogs,” as if blogs are a monolith, is pointless because there are so many different kinds of blogs. There are blogs that are online news outlets, many of which break stories. There are blogs that are devoted to political analysis. There are blogs that are focused on a specific topic and definitely write with more of a “for the audience” perspective. And there are plenty of blogs (such as I would class my own) that exist primarily for the blogger, cover a wide variety of topics, but do not purport to be unbiased or “fair and balanced” or objective, etc. etc. etc. So when talking about credibility, citizen journalism, etc., I was thinking it only makes sense to apply those standards to the certain types of blogs that want them.

But then I thought, well, that’s too simplistic, too. With a lot of blogs, there’s not this stark dividing line between one type vs. another type. I would call my blog a “personal blog,” but I also have, arguably, “reported” on plenty of things. So have many other people who write the type of blog I do - and that makes sense, because why should writing about an issue, or posting news, etc., have to be sequestered from writing about one’s life? And really, i think when the two mingle, that’s when some of the most effective political activism can take place - or am I abusing the old adage “the personal is political” again? ;) I just think for a lot of people, putting the humanity into something helps them see why it’s important, and think of it in a more concrete way, and not just as an abstract “issue.”

And, blogs similar to mine have broken stories. Kyle Payne, anyone? And that’s just the most recent example that comes to mind. Look, too, at how bloggers of various stripes pulled together in an ad hoc media team during the Eliot Spitzer brouhaha. A few MSM outlets here and there started to realize that yes, we are the experts, and it didn’t matter what “type” of blog we had.

So are we all really that different? I think yes and no… as Facebook would say, it’s complicated.

I’ve lost what little patience I had left.

The following words and phrases, as so often tossed about in the blogosphere, mainstream media - hell, most anywhere - by people sitting up on their high horses feeling so proud of themselves, get me steaming; and with rare exception (as I will always reiterate that context matters), are cues for me to stop listening, because I’ve better things to do than hop aboard the Bullshit Train for another trip round the Armchair Psych Ward.

• Can’t take a joke
• Credibility
• Criticism
• Critique
• Defensive
• Ethics
• Humorless
• Integrity
• Just disagreeing
• Race card
• Satire
• Sensitive
• 4:38 p.m., ETA: Thin-skinned
• Whiners

Congratulations, you’ve got a non-argument. How about a little originality, for once?

Everybody’s a damn expert. I’m sick of it.

12:16 p.m.: Edited to put in alpha order.

Briefly, because I have to wrap a few things up before I leave the office and head home to get ready for pole dancing class… which is particularly timely given some of the links I’m about to provide.

Yes, no surprise, shit like this and this (check the comment from “L”) downright enrages me. And even that word, I think, does not do justice to the pure RAGE I feel when I see people DENYING MY AGENCY AS A HUMAN BEING, denying my very existence, denying that I am an intelligent, capable, self-aware woman who is CONSTANTLY examining and reflecting on my own life and the choices I make. It hurts the most when it comes from other women, in particular other feminists.

I don’t know how or what to write about this shit anymore. Ren has written rounds and rounds of sense on her blog, as have many others; but Ren has been particularly prolific (and repetitive, because apparently it’s just NOT GETTING THROUGH to some people). Frankly I don’t know how she has the energy anymore. It drains me, to constantly try so hard to get people to understand the simple fact of, “This is my life, this is my truth, this is WHO I AM, and you don’t have to like it but you DO have to accept it, and accept that I have done enough ‘examining’ for the both of us, thankyouverymuch.”

It enrages me, and it makes me feel sick, and sad, and just awful about humanity, actually. Because why is it such a difficult concept to convey, that my life is mine, my choices are mine, and just because they differ from yours that does not mean I’m damaged or stupid? Why is it so hard to see that accepting the same old stereotypes of women who are openly sexual (not to mention women who work in the sex industry!) as stupid or damaged or victims or villains is nothing more than some seriously OLD-SCHOOL PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT? It HURTS to have that same old double standard inflicted on me by other women, by other FEMINISTS.

This post gets the “hypocrisy” tag because, as I said to Elisa the other night, that’s what it is, plain and simple.

Pole dancing, for example? The smug characterizations of it as “empowerful” or “degrading” and whatever other bullshit so-called feminist bloggers (not to even mention non-feminists, especially anti-feminist men; holy shit, I can’t even go there, I would get damn near suicidal) say about it, talking OUT OF THEIR ASSES, assuming I must be doing it for my boyfriend (!!!!!!) or whatever else… holy fucking shit I cannot take it anymore. But guess what I DO know, assholes? That when I’m pole dancing, I feel joyful and whole, I feel a happiness that I rarely feel at any other time that permeates my entire being, I feel ALIVE - and the last thing on my mind is what “Teh Menz” might be thinking (especially because nine times out of ten, there AREN’T ANY MEN PRESENT anyway).

I don’t know how many times I can say this before it will get across. And maybe it never will - which is the part that hurts the most.

Haven’t we heard this before?

Rob Peters, a reporter from Vancouver, says:

Some difficult truths have been brought to light by the personal blogging blitz of the last few years. One such revelation is that most of us aren’t as interesting as we think. Waking up every day and jotting down some deep thoughts about breakfast is a difficult way to sustain any kind of readership.

I could not disagree more. What blogging brings to light for me - and I know I’m not alone in this - is that people are infinitely interesting.

Not every single person is going to be interesting to every single other person. But that’s not news; that’s a fact of human existence, and why would we hold blogging to ridiculous, unrealistic standards that we don’t apply to other aspects of life?

And anyway, why is anyone still publishing this recycled tripe? Every 6 months or so, some know-it-all writes a piece on the “death” of blogging, or how it’s causing Very Bad Things to happen, or how it’s lost its innocence, or whatever other cliché they’ve dredged up for the moment. I guess maybe it’s a guaranteed will-publish if you’re having a dry spell?

On a personal note, I’m not having the best day - in fact, someone on a blog just saw fit to inform me that they “don’t appreciate anything about [me].” Do I blame blogging, though? Give me a break. I think you know the answer to that one.

That reminds me - a post on civil communication is in the works, too.

Yay! I am absolutely loving this post from the F-Word Blog. An excerpt:

If you want to be an ally, you have to stop focusing on people just like you. You have to realise that some people just like you will do very bad things, and many people like you will do all manner of small but significant things that harm women (and other people, but we’re focusing on feminism here). If you don’t interrupt the boys’ club mentality, where you are willing to first defend other men, without examining whether they may be responsible for inflicting harm, you are perpetuating it and defending misogyny. Also, do not derail the topic to defend the poor men who are innocent, when the topic is not about innocent men who don’t perpetrate whatever crime against women. We’re not talking about innocent men, and you don’t need to remind us every five minutes that they do exist, particularly when we need to worry about all the men who do harm women. Men who walk free and make us fear for our lives. I cannot emphasise this enough. Talk about innocent men has no place in a thread about men responsible for misogyny.

The problem is, as a privileged group which isn’t used to hostility, it feels as if any criticism is personal. That anything directed at men means that we are criticising all men, no matter how wonderful they are. We are not, and every time you think this is the case, check yourself. Feminists have brothers, fathers, boyfriends and male friends and are sometimes even men. We know perfectly well that not all men are responsible for a problem. But we also know that if men don’t own their role in this, things won’t get better.

And as for men who want to throw up their hands and not bother, because it’s too much work to have to “prove themselves?”* I say, WTF; and, I do not want to be around you. Any movement for positive social change needs allies in order to grow, thrive, and function more effectively, for precisely the reason that there are a lot of privileged people out there who won’t listen to members of the group in question. The part of the post that talks about how misogynists are immune to feminist criticism is spot-on; because they don’t care. They don’t take us seriously. They don’t see us as being on the same level as them, or even worth considering. We might as well be talking to a brick wall (and yeah, some of ‘em are just as thick!). At best they will laugh at us, at worst they will physically harm us.

So it’s essential for men to talk to other men about feminism. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if you don’t wanna. See, you have the privilege of being able to opt-out. Women don’t. We live with this shit every day of our lives. So you’ll forgive us if we just can’t get too worked up about how it feels weird for you to call out your friends on their shitty behavior.

* Yes, that very phrase was used recently on a blog, but now I can’t find the thread in question; boooo.

I don’t overuse the “pin” feature in Bloglines Beta; I use it strictly to keep track of stuff I want to read later, re-read in while paying closer attention, or blog about. So whenever I have more than 3 or 4 pinned items, I start to get antsy.

Currently I have 7, and they’re all posts that I’m brimming with Strong Opinions about, but at this rate I don’t think I’ll have time to write in-depth responses to each of them. So, link round-up cop-out it is!

• Antidepressants don’t work (from Uncool)

  Yes, once again, some Very Important Organization or other has released a results of a study that supposedly proves that anti-depressants are worthless. Hmm, if that’s true, then why are there so many people (myself included) who, whenever this shit happens, stand up and say very loudly that anti-depressants most certainly do work?

  I don’t understand why anti-depressants’ effectiveness needs to be proved or disproved. Tons of people are living proof that they do work. (Sure, we can study how or why - but if? That’s not a question.) I can say with 100% assurance of no hyperbole on my part, that if it weren’t for anti-depressant meds, I would not be alive today.

• Teenagers as Sexual Beings (from Miss Nomered)

  I found this blog a few weeks ago, I think via Ren’s, and reading it makes me feel hopeful about the future and the up-and-coming generation. When I was in high school, blogs didn’t exist, but I did keep a journal (I even kept it on my computer for a while, in SimpleText!) and I wrote about all kinds of stuff. I like to think that if I’d had a blog, it would’ve been similar to this.

  Anyway, the post about teenagers being sexual beings reminded me of my fourth year at TIP. There was a girl in my class who just seemed to exude sexuality. I think she was a year younger than me, which would’ve made her 15. I remember her talking in class one day about being frustrated with how adults don’t want to admit that teenagers are sexual beings and are not children. The rest of us in the class were nodding in agreement.

  I don’t know why adults tend to get so weirded out at the idea of teenagers having sexual feelings. Do they not remember being a teenager themselves? And ya know, admitting that teenagers are sexual beings doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to have sex with them! Get over it!

• Media and a Sex Worker (from After Hours)

  My heart goes out to Amanda, with everything she’s been through lately. And this post, just… well, at the moment I can’t really put my feelings about it into words. But it really struck me, maybe because I feel like I can relate to Amanda after reading a lot of her writing and identifying with some of her experiences and feelings? You should just read it. Here’s an excerpt:

  A definite downside is that I’ve attracted the attention of every shock-jock in the country, it seems. I’m a chance for them to use as many dirty words on the air as possible and a chance to score points off me. Seems women are only fodder for men’s lame sex jokes. I’m done with these shows. No more. ‘Course, it’s actually easier to screen clients than screen radio stations (they tend to be misleading about the nature of their show, of course).

  Or there’s an accusatory tone that would not be there if I were a client. Men get a “wink wink nudge nudge” thing when paid companionship is discussed. Women are branded and I bring out the self-righteous prig in everyone. The only explanation is that there must be something wrong with me. Being female and openly sexual means I’m off my rocker; something to be either pitied or reviled.

  More infuriating, they think they know everything about sex work (escort work in particular) because they believe every stereotype they’ve ever come across. This makes them an “expert.” Which makes me wonder why they bother to have me on. None of my interviewers have yet to actually admit to having experience as a sex worker — only me. Yet apparently I’m not to be believed.

• 5 Tips for Hot Menstrual Sex (from Naked City)

  I’m so glad Dacia wrote about menstrual sex! And I have immense respect for Furry Girl and Trixie for their menstrual sites (well, and for their general awesomeness). This post is informative, sex-positive, body-positive, menstrual-positive… all-around positive! Which is really something, since menstrual sex is typically either not talked about at all, or talked about with “OMG ewwww!!!” histrionics that you would expect maybe out of middle schoolers but certainly not adults, and yet here are adults acting as if getting your period is the most disgusting thing that could ever happen to you. FAIL.

  This post, however, gets the WIN stamp.

• “Please, anyone can do what you do…” (from Renegade Evolution)

  I hate when people act like sex work isn’t real work. Especially when they use snark quotes - “sex work.” Here’s what I said in a comment on Ren’s post:

  I think this whole “anyone can do it” thing is totally reactionary and full of projection. Because the same people who say that are usually the ones who are talking about how awful and degrading it is… so, therefore, NOT anyone can do it, right? It’s a contradiction, which leads me to believe they don’t have an actual argument.

Okay, there are two others I have pinned, but they both deserve longer write-ups… especially Caroline’s post about the new UK porn law. Holy crap.

It’s been almost a week since the untimely death of Deborah Jeane Palfrey. In my second post on the topic, written on Friday, I lamented the lack of coverage of this tragedy on big feminist blogs. Being an eternal optimist (often to a fault, I know), I gave Feministe and Feministing the benefit of the doubt, saying that hopefully they would post more about it soon - because as I well know, when you’re juggling a full-time job and other personal responsibilities along with blogging, it can be a challenge to find time to sit down and write a substantive post.

However, the weekend has come and gone, and this week is half over, and still… nothing new on Feministe. Feministing hardly ever loads for me anymore beyond the header, but a quick view of the source in IE (it won’t even show me the source in Firefox; it’s hung up on some script, apparently) shows nothing new.

I’ll briefly hop over to some other feminist-leaning blogs that I don’t frequent as often and see if they have anything…
Read the full post »

Re: citing one’s sources, and related recent blogosphere drama (of which I’ve only been on the periphery, I admit; I haven’t had the time or interest, quite frankly, to follow it closely)…

I’m no fan of ‘X’ (not by a longshot!) but I think people are getting a tad carried away with this “she stole it!” thing. There are a lot of assumptions going on and they’re not fair ones. ‘X’ herself said she wrote the piece before she saw BFP’s speech… now I know we might not have reason to believe her wholesale, but why would she outright lie, either? I think she’s an asshole, but I can’t see her concocting this elaborate lie. I don’t think assuming malfeasance on her part is fair or productive. You know, zeitgeist and synchronicity do happen. And when dealing with more traditional media operations where there’s an editorial cycle, a pub schedule, etc., things get published weeks or months after they were written.

Is that so hard to believe?

Obviously, you should cite your sources; I would think everyone can agree on that. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to automatically assume that an instance of “wow, we both wrote about the same topic” is a case of copying without crediting.

Check it out: Literally, A Weblog was featured in the AJC yesterday. December 2, 2006, page D-1, “@issue” opinion section, subsection “Noted.” Pat has a color-adjusted hi-res scan of the page on Flickr.

Apparently I get really into the quick-and-dirty meme thing when I am busy and trying to multi-task.

Anyway, via Liberal Debutante… apparently I am a “B-List” blogger. See? The cutesy little icon says so.

This apparently makes me part of “The High Authority Group,” and puts me in company with the likes of Jessica Cutler and Girlspoke. And a bunch of people I’ve never heard of.

If you’re so inclined, you can see where your blog ranks in this Technorati-driven, high school-esque popularity contest. Now where’d I put my slam book?

Update: My apologies for using the word “apparently” three times in this post. Apparently I really like that word.

Somewhere amid the multi-blog BJ brouhaha last week, someone asked (perhaps rhetorically), “Can a sex act be liberating?” (or maybe it was “empowering”). I’ve been wanting to write a response to that question, but now I can’t find the site where I originally read it. If anyone remembers seeing it, I’d really appreciate the link. If not, oh well; I’ll end up writing the post anyway, I just won’t have a referential link.