Being Amber Rhea

Re: this Feministe post (which a friend emailed me, because as I mentioned, I’ve been taking a break from reading most blogs)…

I must rant as if no one is looking, briefly.

I’m fed up w/ this bullshit. FED UP. I am just sick of all this groupthink/lockstep mentality going on. And I’m sorry but I’ve always thought that the people who think socialism is so awesome are privileged in their OWN way (as much as I’m sick of the word “privilege” being thrown around so much, too…) because it’s like, you know what, I know what it’s like to NOT have money, and I know it’s not romantic or revolutionary or transgressive - it SUCKS. So for me, having money is empowering not to mention “empaychecking.” Not everybody has the luxury to worry about what the best economic system is when they have to put food on the table, ever think of that? Plus the same old thing I keep coming back to… WHY is having money BAD?? It’s what you do with that money that counts, and yeah, feeding your family is pretty damn awesome. If you also have enough money to help others outside your family? GREAT!! But serious change takes economic leverage, and if we constantly vilify anybody who has a certain amount of money, we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot.

I’m fucking sick of it.

So there yo go. Cast me out, if you will. *shrug*

He’s pissed because he doesn’t think about repercussions, he just thinks about action and then more action — he says something douchebaggy, he apologizes, there, done, move on, like there is no past, only now, he is in charge of the present. He can tell RKB to stop writing about him but not address his non-desire to censor HuffPo. He can call everyone a bitch and then apologize. Just as he’s entitled to drink as much as he wants and still expect privileges (I don’t know any woman who carries that kind of entitlement) like actually having girls around him. He’s entitled to being the king of the male sex blog-gods. He’s entitled to have everything just the way he wants it.

— Commenter riese on that ongoing thread

My comments on Dacia’s post from yesterday…

Comment numero uno:

I think you did as good a job w/ this post.

I think what ppl from the outside looking in don’t get is, it’s NOT a clearcut case of Jefferson being vilified for his sexuality. And it’s not simply that he wrote about his sex life and also happened to have kids (which would be the classic “parent” == “not sexualized” fear response) - it’s that he wrote about his sex life and his kids in a very public way in the same forum… AND arguably took advantage of insecure women AND has a drinking problem.

I think (hope) that there’s got to be a way to fight the very REAL problems of sexual stigmatization and compartmentalization of sexuality without harming oneself in the process… and there’s got to be away to address these issues without letting someone’s bad behavior go excused unde the guise of it. Because no one is talking about that other stuff. Maybe - and I can understand this - they think it’ll make the sex blogging community “look bad” somehow. But the solution is certainly NOT to close ranks and sweep it under the rug for the sake of party unity.

I hate that there’s really no way to say any of this without it sounding like blaming the victim; but the fact is, this situation is so much more complex than how it’s being painted.

The legitimate question remains of, why bring these issues up now, when he’s “down?” Why didn’t anyone speak up before? And yeah, that’s a damn good question. Of course, it’s bc it’s germane to bring them up now; and I can’t fault people for not wanting to invite drama prior to this. But the mere fact that no one has wanted to touch it at all is telling.

Comment numero dos:

Suzanne Portnoy,
There are reasons (which have nothing at all to do w/ sexuality) to question Jefferson’s ability to provide for his kids, but I don’t feel comfortable bringing them up because it starts to veer into invasion of privacy territory, and it feels a little creepy to me. This is essentially a non-comment, I know, but I wanted to say *something*, just so people know that there *is* more to this story than even Dacia has posted here. There’s backstory that the casual blog reader won’t and can’t be expected to know.

I hate doing this cop-out “paste in my comments” post about this topic, but I don’t have any time for much more at the moment. Hopefully that will change later today and I can write more when I get home. Realistically, though, I’ll probably collapse into bed; my Ambien hasn’t arrived yet and I didn’t take a Tylenol PM last night, and guess what, it was back to the nightmares, cold sweats, and tossing and turning.

I figured it was as good a time as any to publicly state that I am not okay w/ the way Anthony and IACB handle themselves in a lot of these feminist blogosphere discussions. I’ve called them out and challenged them (as I would challenge anyone I disagree with or who is being inappropriate) many times, but ya know since a lot of folks seem to have a problem with differentiating individuals from the Bloggy Borg, I’m just putting it out there unequivocally.

Anthony and IACB, your comments are still welcome here if you choose to comment (not that you’re pining for my gracious extension of courtesy, but whatever) but in many, many cases I think you have come off as condescending, rude, patronizing, and engaging in a lot of verbal chest-thumping and lack of checking your privilege.

So there you go.

Ah nothing to get back into the swing of things like blog drama, right? Fuck, I was supposed to be writing about PERSONAL stuff. -On the other hand, it’s all personal. The personal is political is personal is sexual is ME.

Briefly, because I have to wrap a few things up before I leave the office and head home to get ready for pole dancing class… which is particularly timely given some of the links I’m about to provide.

Yes, no surprise, shit like this and this (check the comment from “L”) downright enrages me. And even that word, I think, does not do justice to the pure RAGE I feel when I see people DENYING MY AGENCY AS A HUMAN BEING, denying my very existence, denying that I am an intelligent, capable, self-aware woman who is CONSTANTLY examining and reflecting on my own life and the choices I make. It hurts the most when it comes from other women, in particular other feminists.

I don’t know how or what to write about this shit anymore. Ren has written rounds and rounds of sense on her blog, as have many others; but Ren has been particularly prolific (and repetitive, because apparently it’s just NOT GETTING THROUGH to some people). Frankly I don’t know how she has the energy anymore. It drains me, to constantly try so hard to get people to understand the simple fact of, “This is my life, this is my truth, this is WHO I AM, and you don’t have to like it but you DO have to accept it, and accept that I have done enough ‘examining’ for the both of us, thankyouverymuch.”

It enrages me, and it makes me feel sick, and sad, and just awful about humanity, actually. Because why is it such a difficult concept to convey, that my life is mine, my choices are mine, and just because they differ from yours that does not mean I’m damaged or stupid? Why is it so hard to see that accepting the same old stereotypes of women who are openly sexual (not to mention women who work in the sex industry!) as stupid or damaged or victims or villains is nothing more than some seriously OLD-SCHOOL PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT? It HURTS to have that same old double standard inflicted on me by other women, by other FEMINISTS.

This post gets the “hypocrisy” tag because, as I said to Elisa the other night, that’s what it is, plain and simple.

Pole dancing, for example? The smug characterizations of it as “empowerful” or “degrading” and whatever other bullshit so-called feminist bloggers (not to even mention non-feminists, especially anti-feminist men; holy shit, I can’t even go there, I would get damn near suicidal) say about it, talking OUT OF THEIR ASSES, assuming I must be doing it for my boyfriend (!!!!!!) or whatever else… holy fucking shit I cannot take it anymore. But guess what I DO know, assholes? That when I’m pole dancing, I feel joyful and whole, I feel a happiness that I rarely feel at any other time that permeates my entire being, I feel ALIVE - and the last thing on my mind is what “Teh Menz” might be thinking (especially because nine times out of ten, there AREN’T ANY MEN PRESENT anyway).

I don’t know how many times I can say this before it will get across. And maybe it never will - which is the part that hurts the most.

Originally posted as a comment on Octogalore’s thread by the same name.

• I am really starting to hate the word “privilege.” Not the concept, not the legitimate analysis; but the way it’s so often tossed around as an insult and a shield. The way even saying this makes me sound like the right-wing assholes I loathe. Big ol’ FAIL stamp to all that.
• Whenever someones says something about a “soul-sucking corporate job” as if this is a generally-understood, universally-loathed thing, I bristle.
• I think people who talk about doing what you love and the money will come, or it’s more important to do something for love, passion, commitment, dreams, ideals, etc. than money, have never really known what’s it’s like not to have a safety net (or never had a circumstance come up where they had to realize they don’t have one).
• When people ask - no, expect - me to do “pro bono” web development work, it REALLY offends me. It makes me feel like they don’t appreciate my work or value my time. It comes off as them saying their time is more valuable than mine.
• I love Starbucks. Same as last year’s confession!

Go on over to Octo’s post and leave your own!

Haven’t we heard this before?

Rob Peters, a reporter from Vancouver, says:

Some difficult truths have been brought to light by the personal blogging blitz of the last few years. One such revelation is that most of us aren’t as interesting as we think. Waking up every day and jotting down some deep thoughts about breakfast is a difficult way to sustain any kind of readership.

I could not disagree more. What blogging brings to light for me - and I know I’m not alone in this - is that people are infinitely interesting.

Not every single person is going to be interesting to every single other person. But that’s not news; that’s a fact of human existence, and why would we hold blogging to ridiculous, unrealistic standards that we don’t apply to other aspects of life?

And anyway, why is anyone still publishing this recycled tripe? Every 6 months or so, some know-it-all writes a piece on the “death” of blogging, or how it’s causing Very Bad Things to happen, or how it’s lost its innocence, or whatever other cliché they’ve dredged up for the moment. I guess maybe it’s a guaranteed will-publish if you’re having a dry spell?

On a personal note, I’m not having the best day - in fact, someone on a blog just saw fit to inform me that they “don’t appreciate anything about [me].” Do I blame blogging, though? Give me a break. I think you know the answer to that one.

That reminds me - a post on civil communication is in the works, too.

So I know that last post of mine wasn’t very “fair.” Part of me feels bad but part of me just can’t get too worked up about it.

I just feel like in BlogLand recently (well, and not so recently, too), there’s a lot of “group think” and generalizations going on, and if you don’t fall in lock-step, then you’re out of the Cool Kids Club.

There are some situations where generalizations are helpful, instructive, and necessary. I think making a blanket statement of “no blanket statements” is just as ignorant as, well, most blanket statements! Because sometimes it’s appropriate. But I think that’s the exception rather than the rule. And I get the impression that a lot of bloggers who move in some of the same circles I do kind of blog with an iron fist.

It’s hard to write about this, too, because I’m afraid I’ll end up sounding like those whiny assholes who come to feminist blogs and go, “Not all men are [x]!” YES, we know, thanks for making it all about you YET AGAIN, now please to be shutting your dumb mouth.

I’m not a patient person in general, BUT, with friends and on a one-on-one basis, I can be very patient. See, nuance. What might look like a contradiction to the casual observer is actually just the fact of nuance and complexity that we all have within us. And I think a lot of what is missing from some of this blog drama (which I’ve mostly just been observing and shaking my head at, rather than getting involved in, as I know I wouldn’t be welcome anyway) is nuance. Context. Because guess what, context matters. A lot of things have to be taken on a case by case basis.

Like I said at Trinity’s, wrt porn and such: (as usual, double blockquotes are me quoting someone else)

So uh, “men ask women to do Those Things” is true, but not really worth getting furious at people for, to me. Again, even if that’s sexist: mosquito bite. Not worth my worry.

It seems to me that a lot of the time, the asking is set up as a bad thing. And I’ve never really grokked that. Because what always comes to my mind is, “So, one partner is communicating with the other partner about hir sexual desires.” What’s bad about that?? It’s a GOOD thing to be able to tell your partner, openly and with no shame, “[x] turns me on” or “I’d really love to try [y].” The part where good or bad comes into play, I think, is what happens next - and even that is a lot more complex and nuanced than a lot of these scripts make it out to be.

It’s not enough to just say “[x] is wrong.” [x] doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and all the internal and external factors surrounding it have to be parsed in order to get an accurate understanding.

And yet, with all that said? Yeah, there are still plenty of times when the motivation, intent, etc. doesn’t matter AT ALL; what matters is the resultant action. But again: nuance! None of this applies across the board!

I’m having a hard time trying to explain this but I don’t actually think it’s that hard of a concept to grasp, mentally, without words.

Next thing I want to write about: the fallacy of assuming that just because someone’s poor, it gives them special insight into, well, everything. There’s a term for that but I can’t remember what it is.

Yay! I am absolutely loving this post from the F-Word Blog. An excerpt:

If you want to be an ally, you have to stop focusing on people just like you. You have to realise that some people just like you will do very bad things, and many people like you will do all manner of small but significant things that harm women (and other people, but we’re focusing on feminism here). If you don’t interrupt the boys’ club mentality, where you are willing to first defend other men, without examining whether they may be responsible for inflicting harm, you are perpetuating it and defending misogyny. Also, do not derail the topic to defend the poor men who are innocent, when the topic is not about innocent men who don’t perpetrate whatever crime against women. We’re not talking about innocent men, and you don’t need to remind us every five minutes that they do exist, particularly when we need to worry about all the men who do harm women. Men who walk free and make us fear for our lives. I cannot emphasise this enough. Talk about innocent men has no place in a thread about men responsible for misogyny.

The problem is, as a privileged group which isn’t used to hostility, it feels as if any criticism is personal. That anything directed at men means that we are criticising all men, no matter how wonderful they are. We are not, and every time you think this is the case, check yourself. Feminists have brothers, fathers, boyfriends and male friends and are sometimes even men. We know perfectly well that not all men are responsible for a problem. But we also know that if men don’t own their role in this, things won’t get better.

And as for men who want to throw up their hands and not bother, because it’s too much work to have to “prove themselves?”* I say, WTF; and, I do not want to be around you. Any movement for positive social change needs allies in order to grow, thrive, and function more effectively, for precisely the reason that there are a lot of privileged people out there who won’t listen to members of the group in question. The part of the post that talks about how misogynists are immune to feminist criticism is spot-on; because they don’t care. They don’t take us seriously. They don’t see us as being on the same level as them, or even worth considering. We might as well be talking to a brick wall (and yeah, some of ‘em are just as thick!). At best they will laugh at us, at worst they will physically harm us.

So it’s essential for men to talk to other men about feminism. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if you don’t wanna. See, you have the privilege of being able to opt-out. Women don’t. We live with this shit every day of our lives. So you’ll forgive us if we just can’t get too worked up about how it feels weird for you to call out your friends on their shitty behavior.

* Yes, that very phrase was used recently on a blog, but now I can’t find the thread in question; boooo.

I’ve been pondering what it would be like - or if it’s desirable, or even possible - to take a “write as if nobody’s reading” approach to this blog. What if I actually did that? I wonder if it’s doable, because then I could potentially be compromising other people’s privacy where their lives intersect w/ mine. That’s always one of the biggest considerations w/ “life blogging” (or, “blogging,” as we old-schoolers call it) to any degree. But also, if I actually wrote some of the stuff I think, without a filter or an appropriately saccharine coating, about, say, certain happenings in certain portions of Ye Olde Blogosphere, would I be inviting exactly the drama I try to avoid in my life? Can I really expect to “talk smack” (that’s how it would look to readers, anyway) and not have people talk back?

So should I keep quiet, or at least reserve certain thoughts for my super-old-school paper journal (which I write in sporadically at best), out of a desire to minimize drama?

I really do not like drama.

Look what I wrote a year ago. I’d like to go ahead and reiterate all the themes therein.

Okay, I need to go to sleep now… -er, as soon as the dryer cycle finishes, that is.

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning at 11:00. I’d known about it for a couple weeks, it had been on my Google calendar and my work Outlook calendar, I even looked at my Google calendar last night and thought, “Okay, I need to leave the office at around 10:30 tomorrow”… and yet when the time rolled around today, I totally spaced. I was sitting there at my desk, happily working away, feeling good and productive, and at around 11:15 the phone rings and it’s my psychiatrist. As soon as I heard her voice I thought, “Oh, shit!” I think I actually said something more like, “Oh, crap!” but the sentiment was the same.

I apologized for missing the appointment; she asked if everything was okay, and I said yes. She asked how I was feeling and if I had enough medication, and if I’d like to reschedule for two weeks (I did).

Then I said, “I can’t believe I totally forgot. I’m really sorry, this is so not like me.”

And she said, “We need to talk about that.”

:| Really?? Give me a break!

I replied, “The only thing to talk about there is that my Outlook calendar didn’t pop up a reminder.”

Seriously, that remark really grated on me. Not everything is some pathological symptom. God! Then Jenny and I were chatting about it over IM, and Jenny said, “Why is there so much drama in mental health?”

And it’s true, there is!

I’m not going to be going to that place much longer, anyway. I had what I decided would be my final appointment with the therapist last week, and after my next appointment with the psychiatrist or whenever I can find someone else to prescribe my meds (whichever comes first), I won’t be going back there. I had already made that decision. For one thing, it’s up in Dunwoody, and my therapist’s office hours are the exact same as mine, so I have to take a couple hours off in the middle of the work day every time I go up there (it takes 30 minutes to drive each way, plus an hour-long appointment). But more importantly/annoyingly, they don’t file insurance for you!!

Okay, this is a place with several different therapists and psychiatrists working there, with a full administrative staff. In that way it’s a lot like the place I went when I lived in Texas, where I absolutely loved my therapist; in fact, seeing her was one of the only really positive things about my stay in Texas. Guess what, that place filed insurance just like any doctor’s office would. I mean, I could almost understand the insurance thing if it were one person in private practice; almost. I would still be annoyed, because to me that is part of their job. And I’ve been to therapists who are running their own show (ie, not working in an office w/ others) who do file insurance, and don’t complain to their clients about what a pain in the ass it is. But when it’s at a place where there’s an office staff of four or five people?? Are you kidding me? It makes me wonder what the office staff does. And I hate the attitude I’ve gotten from everyone there that they can’t be bothered, because it’s just soooo hard and complicated and there are just “too many different kinds of insurance” (actual quote) and they just can’t handle it… so, here, client, deal with the big towering bureaucracy of the insurance companies on your own!!

As such, I’ve filed claims for every visit - filed most of them at least twice, in fact. (The first time I filed, I called a few weeks later to check on the status and they said they had “no record” of any claims for me. Convenient!) Some of them I’ve filed three times. And still, only two claims are showing up in my records online, and both of those are taken fully from my deductible, whereas if the office staff did it, it would be like any other doctor’s visit where you just pay your co-pay.

I need to call Blue Cross Blue Shield again and check up on the claims and find out why some of them haven’t been accepted even though I’ve filed all the paperwork multiple times… but I’ve been procrastinating, because honestly, that shit stresses me out, and it takes time to hang on the phone, talk to the people at the company, get transferred around… and guess what, I have to work, I don’t really have time for that bullshit. That’s supposed to be the job of an office staff person! And you know, I go to therapy to reduce stress, not to add to it!

Rant over, for now. I actually have more to say about this whole issue, but this has gotten pretty long!

ETA: Oh, and of course they are charging me for the missed appointment. Good luck getting that claim paid, I bet!

ETA, pt. 2: Heh. Despite my excessive use of exclamation points herein, I promise I am not drunk.

Re: citing one’s sources, and related recent blogosphere drama (of which I’ve only been on the periphery, I admit; I haven’t had the time or interest, quite frankly, to follow it closely)…

I’m no fan of ‘X’ (not by a longshot!) but I think people are getting a tad carried away with this “she stole it!” thing. There are a lot of assumptions going on and they’re not fair ones. ‘X’ herself said she wrote the piece before she saw BFP’s speech… now I know we might not have reason to believe her wholesale, but why would she outright lie, either? I think she’s an asshole, but I can’t see her concocting this elaborate lie. I don’t think assuming malfeasance on her part is fair or productive. You know, zeitgeist and synchronicity do happen. And when dealing with more traditional media operations where there’s an editorial cycle, a pub schedule, etc., things get published weeks or months after they were written.

Is that so hard to believe?

Obviously, you should cite your sources; I would think everyone can agree on that. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to automatically assume that an instance of “wow, we both wrote about the same topic” is a case of copying without crediting.

I am not happy with the villifying of Seal Press I’ve seen in the blogosphere recently. No, not happy at all. There, I said it.

I wonder what people expect. And I mean realistic expectations. How would YOU react if you were Brooke and Krista? Seriously?

They are not this big mythical insulated power-house super-corporation. They are people. Just people. Like all the rest of us.

I guess I can relate because people have pulled shit like this with “criticizing” PodCamp Atlanta and Sex 2.0… and it’s like, HEY. This is a one-person operation. (And specific to these two cases, they are unconferences, so if you don’t like what’s going on, fix it instead of just complaining, like the guy who was whining about the sound quality on some of the podcasts.)

Also this irritates me because, well, Seal Press has done a lot for publishing women’s voices. And this is the kind of thing that just… does not sit well with me. It makes me itch.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. I would say more but I’m afraid of people coming over here and trying to rip me a new asshole, and then expecting me to be all gracious about their “criticism.”

Also I am waiting for the BBC to call me back about a radio interview and trying not to freak out. Nerves, be calm! It’s probably a good thing I didn’t have any caffeine this morning. I hope my cell phone doesn’t lose reception when/if they call.

You’re probably thinking, “But Amber, you had just started there!” Yeah, I did - in January. And two months later, I’m quitting. All my posts are here, but there won’t be any more coming.

The comments in my last post spiraled out of control, quickly. Right now it’s up to 92 comments (but for the past twenty or so it’s been the same two guys beating their chests at each other). From the beginning, I probably should’ve created a Gmail filter to automatically delete comment notifications (which I did later), but I didn’t want to miss any good comments.

Then the attacks started pouring in.

I didn’t want to comment, because I knew it would be pointless. But then I left one snarky comment, and then a few more. Even as I was doing it I was feeling the emotional toll, and yet it was like the car accident phenomenon of not being able to look away.

And then I got some emails from fellow Download Squad bloggers who said they found my comments “reprehensible,” “close-minded,” and “mean-spirited.” They characterized the trolls, slut-baiters, and anti-feminists* as “disagreeing” and “addressing [me] civilly and, for the most part, maturely.”

So.

After lots and lots of thought on the matter, I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue writing at Download Squad. The kind of thing that happened on that last thread is just not a healthy environment for me to be in. I know how those kinds of situations affect me, and it would be extremely detrimental for me to continue putting myself in such a position.

It’s not that I’m all that surprised, really. I mean I’m not stupid or naïve. I guess I just… thought? hoped? wanted to believe? it would be different this time. But I’ve gotten that kind of reaction so many times, in so many different places, that at this point I can’t even try to enumerate them. That’s why I made the commenter Bingo card; it really is like marking squares off a board. They say the same shit every time. And some people have a thick skin, and that stuff doesn’t get to them, and they stand tall in the face of it and shout their message out to people who are determined not to hear it, in the hope that maybe 1 person out of 1,000 will listen and really think about what they’ve said…

But I’m not one of those people.

I’ve mentioned before that this is why I don’t consider myself a hardcore activist. I’m not cut out for it. I can say with reasonable certainty that being on the front lines of this kind of stuff would turn me suicidal.

I do very well in face-to-face one-on-one interactions where I know the other person sees me as a fully equal human being and is willing to listen respectfully and thoughtfully to what I’m saying. I enjoy those interactions; I enjoy respectful, intelligent debate. I do not enjoy or do well in verbal onslaughts where people are telling me I need to shut up, go away, show ‘em my tits, get laid, change who I am if I want to be taken seriously, and by the way why am I so ugly, why am I such a whore, etc. etc. etc.

For the sake of my own health (not to mention self-respect!), I won’t allow myself to be spoken to that way. And as I learned a long time ago, the “just ignore them” adage does not work.

As I said in the fateful Download Squad post, it’s important to keep hacking away at these bullshit barriers. And I completely believe and agree with the sentiments expressed here. But, I can’t do it on a large scale. This is something I know about myself; I can fight this fight with individuals and very small groups, but not with large groups or (god forbid) “the public.”

It’s an important fight. But it’s one we all have to do our own way, and that is not my way.

Maybe Download Squad can find someone with a thicker skin to write what was my column.

* Funny thing… I was called a radical feminist on that thread. That’s one thing that does make me laugh. Inevitably, in discussions (and I use that word loosely) with people like the lovely DLS commenters, I will eventually be called a radical feminist. Usually I’ll be called a lesbian as well, or the question will be raised of when I last had a good deep-dicking. Oh, if only they knew… actual radical feminists can’t stand me! And they accuse me of being some kind of girly-girl embodiment of the common man’s wet dream, which also cracks me up. Little do they know, the common man is calling me one of them!

I am pissed off. And sad. At first I wasn’t even going to write anything tonight, because as I told Rusty earlier before he went to bed, I don’t like people who complain all the time, and I don’t like complaining all the time. I don’t like getting mired in negativity, especially when i know there is so much good stuff out there I should be focusing on. And yet, at what point does not dwelling on negativity become flat-out denial? I’m trying to be healthy. But maybe I’m going to the other extreme. Because sometimes it all hits me at once and I feel overwhelmed, like tonight, and honestly it’s a miracle that I didn’t cry when Rusty and I were talking earlier. I cry so easily. It’s always been something about myself that I’ve been embarrassed about. I cry at the least opportune moments, and I think it makes me look weak.

The whole reason I started my blog, back in April 2002, was to just talk about my life. Anything I wanted. Important stuff, silly stuff, random stuff, anything. My thoughts, opinions, etc. And for several years I never felt like I had to so carefully choose my words (well except re: stuff like the situation w/ my ex when all that was going down, but that’s a different kind of thing altogether). And now I feel like I can’t even right about THIS without people basically going, oh, boo-hoo, look at her, feeling sorry for herself, she thinks she’s got it so bad, well what about the limbless migrant workers in Mexico (or whatever), she has it so good compared to them…

Of course I do!

But Jesus! This blog is about ME! Or at least it’s supposed to be! And I’m not supposed to feel badly for writing about MY SHIT in MY SPACE (but not MySpace, ya understand; har har). And all the time I hear that echo in the back of my mind, from all those years ago… “Selfish! You’re so selfish! You think you have it so bad? A lot of people have it much worse that you! Stop being so selfish! And stop being so sensitive!”

I think I go in cycles, because for a few years there I thought I’d really gotten over and moved past that shit. But maybe you really never do get over it. An online friend emailed a week or so ago and mentioned things reopening old wounds. Maybe that’s what happened here.

And now I feel like nothing I can say will be right. And I just want to say FUCK IT! And yet another part of me wants to eternally explain, because if I could only explain clearly enough, surely everyone would understand, right? Except, no, they wouldn’t. Because they’re them and I’m me and never the twain shall meet.

I told Rusty the Sex 2.0 stuff is wearing me down. Once again I have done what I always do - pick up other people’s slack, and as usual, it’s taking its toll on me. I said from the beginning that I needed a lot of help on this, and yet, I haven’t gotten it; and so, what did I do? Suck it up and do it myself. Because otherwise the conference wouldn’t happen, and that would be MY fault.

I really do think Sex 2.0 is going to be a lot of fun and really interesting, but all the bullshit surrounding it lately (venue, money, etc.) is really dragging me down.

And then there’s the whole Creative Loafing thing, and the Midtown people (same shit-heads who shut down our Sex 2.0 venue), and all the people who are so hateful to sex workers… I want to help make good things happen, but I feel sometimes like nothign changes, no one listens. It’s so discouraging. I’m trying so hard. And for what?

There’s also shit going on w/ my family that I haven’t written about here, but is really weighing on me. Now that stuff, I don’t feel the same kind of bad oppressiveness of not being able to say what I want. The stuff I was writing about above is BLOG DRAMA… just look at the “Summation” post and you’ll get a hint of the massive headfuck of it all.

(And also, I’m afraid I might sound like the guys who act like assholes in feminist spaces. I don’t want to sound like those guys!! I can’t stand those guys!)

I *have* been tempted to write about some of the stuff w/ my family. but then I stop, because I know my mom reads this, at least once in a while, no matter what she might say to the contrary. It’s always in her browser history when I go to Augusta. I don’t really mind if she reads it, I just wish she woudln’t pretend like she doesn’t. I wish we could relate more on an adult level. We’ve made progress in the past several years, but… god, I’m 28 years old, isn’t it time to REALLY act like one adult talking to another?

Anyway, I have to admit, that there HAS been a lot of shit going on and it’s just all getting to be a bit much. THings have just been rough. But, also, I want to say, *everything* hasn’t been bad. I’m so fortunate to be with Rusty. I love him so much, and him being in my life makes everything about 100 times better - he even makes the already-awesome stuff 100 times better!

I am also thankful for Jenny, and I’m glad we’ve been chatting on GTalk, even though sometimes I have to sign off hastily because I can’t multi-task very well at work. She understands me and I trust her completely. She is awesome. (And I am so happy that she has a blog now… it cracks me up. I won’t link to it though, ’cause she might act all weird about that!)

So, yeah, there’s shit. But there’s also good. I don’t know what to do… I feel pulled in a ton of directons. I hope my new shrink will help me get some calmness in my life, but I’m not going to keep going to her if my insurance claims don’t go through. :p Why can’t they file insurance for you? I dont’ want to file my own fucking insurance, I’m sure I missed some tiny little checkbox and now they’re not going to reimburse me the hundred bucks.

Anyway. I should stop. This is totally stream of consciousness ranting, and I should probably break it up w/ a “more” link, but I’m not. I’m even resisting the urge to read back through it for typos and such. I still don’t feel like I’ve said everything, but at least I’ve said something. Hopefully soon I’ll be sleepy enough to climb into bed next to Rusty.

1. Antidepressant meds are just a crutch / “happy pills” / yet another example of the influence of Ev0l Big Pharma / alter your personality / let you avoid dealing with your problems.

1a. Depression is a “mood.”

2. If you’ve had even one sexual experience with a person of the same gender, OMG YER GAY DEAL WITH IT!!1!1 (Duh, didn’t you know sexual orientation is defined by acts?)

3. [Insert sex act here] is inherently degrading to women.

3a. Okay so maybe it’s not inherently degrading, but but but men see it in porn and that’s the way it’s portrayed, so that’s why they want it!

3b. I mean come on, most women don’t really want to do [insert sex act here].

3c. Why do you care so much about porn? Don’t you know there are REAL problems out there? Don’t worry sweetie, no one is going to take away your precious porn!

4. What?? You’re voting for Hillary because she’s a woman? That’s REVERSE SEXISM! That goes against everything feminism stands for and is totally the same thing as institutionalized sexism.

5. Bloggers are not journalists. They lack credibility, they have no editorial process, they can just post whatever they want with no sources, they’re not objective, and they’re unprofessional.

5a. Can I back up my statement with sources? I… Oh, shut up, you blogger!

6. Pole dancing is not empowering. Oh, sure, if you do it and like it, FINE, go right ahead, I’m not going to STOP YOU, but don’t try to pretend it’s a feminist choice.

7. You deleted someone’s comment from your blog? Why do you hate free speech??

Today is a hectic day for a variety of reasons - is that stating the obvious? I mean, if a day is hectic, wouldn’t there obviously be a variety of reasons? - but here is a quick run-down on Dramatic Bullshit, as mentioned here. Apparently I am:

• manipulative
• immature
• a liar
• disrespectful
• stupid
• clueless
• unethical
• (on a related note) lacking basic privacy ethics
• …and the capper… too sensitive (wait, Mom, is that you?)

This is likely not a complete list, since I don’t have much time to read a lot of blogs and other assorted internet haunts these days.

Interesting, nonetheless.

At this point I feel, mostly, bitter about it, but all this shit has affected me much longer than I thought it would.

During the final weeks of 2007, I was involved in some fairly nasty online drama (mostly not on blogs, which is why a lot of you may be scratching your heads and wondering what to search for on Technorati). I put up this post, this post, and this post alluding to said drama. I haven’t written anything extensive about what went down because the thought of doing so still feels too emotionally draining.

But I learned some important lessons during those weeks. First and foremost, I learned (more) about who I can and can’t trust, and in whose presence I should or shouldn’t open virtual veins. I wrestled with the concept of having a strong sense of self, and remembered the words of my therapist when I lived in Athens: “If you’re afraid what you’re going to do is ’selfish,’ do it. Because chances are, in your case it’s not,” and the words of my therapist when I lived in Texas: “I’m surprised to hear you weren’t raised Catholic, because you carry around an awful lot of guilt.” I battled between the inner voice that seems to always know, the one I should trust more often; and the inner voice that constantly second-guesses the first one.

I was called a lot of names, but the strangest one I was called was “liar.” I still don’t understand what I lied about (or what people perceive that I lied about). In fact, I was doing the opposite of lying; I was taking risks, opening veins, and making myself vulnerable. All of it was scary to do, but I thought it was an important exercise in breaking down defensive walls I put up around myself - and what better place to take such risks than in [what I thought was] a “safe space” among friends, allies, and generally interesting people. Unfortunately what I learned was that those walls should stay firmly in place, other than with the select few for whom the walls were already down anyway.

I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this, but look: as I said in comments on a friend’s blog recently, for me blogging has always, fundamentally, been about feelings and emotions all that other hippie shit. That’s how I approach things, it’s what has worked for me throughout my life, and it’s what helps me keep a modicum of sanity. To use a small specific example, it’s why I don’t and never have labeled this blog a “political blog.”

Some people deride so-called navel-gazing, but for me, that’s what makes blogging great; when the walls come down, even just slightly, and you see a part of the person (not just an issue or a product or whatever)… it’s those moments that open a pathway for forming some seriously strong connections. And ya know, it’s really no different from how things work in meatspace.

Whenever I get all weirdly existential about stuff and have one of those hated “What does it all mean?!” moments or a bad case of the “what-ifs,” what I always come back to is this: It really doesn’t matter what it all means, in terms of there being some higher, universal meaning or something; what matters is that we’re here, now, alive, and we might as well make the most of the time we have. Or as my grandmother put it a few weeks ago, “You should always enjoy yourself when you can, because you never know what might happen to you.” Why would you want to do anything else?

I know there’s no unifying point to this post, but I just wanted to get some thoughts out. Oh, one other thing…

Vaguely related side note: I understand what Mistress Matisse is talking about. As I write this, I can practically feel the heavy breathing of commenters with their itchy typing fingers, just dying to tell me how this is all so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. As if I don’t know that. For example, when I was in the emergency room with my dad on Christmas Eve, you can rest assured it was nowhere in my mind. And this isn’t even touching on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle, or little everyday epiphanies.

Here is a dirty little secret of mine. A lot of the time I have this nagging suspicion that people don’t like me. Including - and often especially - people who I am close to. Usually I chalk this up to leftover psychological crap from some fairly traumatizing experiences at a young age. What sucks is when the nagging suspicion ends up being right. :(

Yeah, so if you’re wondering why I’m feeling like throwing in the towel (which I won’t do, but it’s how I’m feeling), it’s because I’ve been treated like day-old shit by people I care(d?) about and who I thought cared about me. I no longer feel welcome in many of the online spaces I considered “safe.” I probably won’t be commenting hardly anywhere anymore (and already my commenting was low, due to reading most blogs via RSS). There are two blogs where I explicitly know that I am still welcome, but the others? Nope. Not bothering.

You know what, it is not easy for me to trust people. Some pretty major things have happened in my life, that not a lot of people know about (what?? I don’t blog about everything that’s ever happened in my life??) that have made it very difficult for me to trust people - because too often I have trusted and then had that trust utterly smashed to shit, thrown in my face and been made a fool of. Another thing I HATE is double standards. And I don’t play nice when people fuck with my trust and try to impose arbitrary standards. I get angry, and yeah, I’m a Scorpio, so I can hold a grudge. And I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. It keeps me smart.

There’s been offline/IRL shit going on too, and like Jenny mentioned in a comment on another post, most of it has been unbloggable, for months now. This latest stupid fucking drama bullshit (which technically I could blog about, but for reasons unknown I’m trying to take the high road) is just the latest in a litany of crap and it’s The Proverbial Straw, as they say.

I’ll probably be pruning the blogroll. Oh, and whenever I do write blog posts, I’m going to write about what I want - the issues that matter to ME. I don’t want anyone telling me what they think I SHOULD be blogging about. Get your own blog.