Being Amber Rhea

Hey, look! It’s a Christian perspective on masturbation that stands in stark contrast to that of Every Young Man’s Battle.

God made our bodies, so if we think our bodies are dirty and shameful, we are shunning God’s divine creation. And if we masturbate with shame and feelings of sinfulness, we are besmirching God’s blessing. Instead, we should celebrate our bodies and our sexual nature, and rejoice in the pleasure and satisfaction that they can bring us through masturbation. [Full article]

Hmm, nothing in there about masturbation creating “distance from God” or causing your college girlfriend to have an abortion.

I wonder about some of the things on the Sex In Christ web site - why is it okay to have a threesome with two women, but not with two men? - but overall it’s a breath of fresh air when compared to the hellfire and damnation approach taken by many religious folks.

(Via Bitch | Lab)

See also my Every Young Man’s Battle book reviews.

I bought the following books tonight at Barnes and Noble:

• Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong - which includes a piece written by Dacia (it’s weird to me that she’s basically famous at this point). I’ve been looking forward to reading this book for a while now; should be very interesting.
• Every Man’s Marriage. Yes, another one in the series. What can I say, I must be some kind of masochist. This’ll be my next book review.

Needless to say, I got an odd look - however fleeting, it was there - from the girl at the check-out counter.

That’s right folks, it’s finally here - the dramatic conclusion to my ongoing review-cum-mockery of Every Young Man’s Battle! (And I know, it’s long. Sorry ’bout that.) In case you need to catch up, here are links to the previous reviews:

• Chapters 1, 2, & 3
• Chapter 4
• Chapter 5
• Chapter 6
• Chapter 7

I decided to skip ahead to Chapter 21 because the bulk of the book is the same thing over and over again. Here are the main take-aways:

• Thinking about sex is bad. Unless you are married. Then it’s okay, as long as you’re thinking about sex with your wife.
• Needless to say, then, having sex is bad unless it’s with your wife.
• Masturbation will cause you to PLUMMET INTO THE PIT OF HELL, and/or will cause your girlfriend to have an abortion.
• Women are passive, demure creatures who hate sex and find men’s sexual desires disgusting, but put up with it because they think it will make men love them. (More about this in Every Young Woman’s Battle.)
• With enough determination, you too can repress all your natural desires, and feel the misery joy of being filled with self-loathing God’s love!

Now without further ado:

Chapter 21: What Do Girls Think?

This chapter begins by offering a disclaimer/preface stating that “many young women are growing up today without a male presence in the home.” Also, many young women are sexually abused, often by family members. While these are true statements, I’m not sure what they’re doing here… oh wait:

Our culture has left many young women so hurting, lonely, and insecure that they’re willing to trade their bodies just for a chance to hold someone close and look deeply into another person’s eyes.

There’s definitely some truth to that claim (though I could do without the flowery, world’s-tiniest-violin language), but the authors, being the fans of sweeping generalizations that they are, have effectively said that any time a young woman has sex, it is because she is emotionally fucked-up and has probably been coerced. Nice.

So! All that out of the way… our authors have interviewed three teenage girls, who apparently constitute a large enough sample to serve as the representation for the entire female population. Their names are Amber (guffaw!), Brynna, and Cassie, and they come from the church-going population in which our esteemed authors immerse themselves.

Brynna says:

Girls desire to be loved and cherished for the person they are. We like to be told we’re beautiful with no hidden agendas.

I think the structure of that second sentence is off, but anyway… Shall we play a drinking game along with this chapter? Do a shot for each platitude? You’ll be drunk in no time!

Cassie speaks next:

I remember the time when a guy I really liked tried some things that made me uncomfortable. I asked him to stop, but he persisted. Finally, he just wore me down and I eventually gave in. He had weakened my defenses.

Okay, this is the kind of shit that seriously upsets me. Cassie, I’ve got news for you, hon: that wasn’t “weaking your defenses,” that was rape. And what is most disturbing is that the chapter just continues along, with some stale verbiage about how it’s not manly to push your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries. They had an opportunity to take a real stand here, and say, “Hey, fuckface, when you ‘push your girlfriend’s sexual boundaries,’ you’re committing rape, and you should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. You’re a goddamn rapist, you cowardly little shit.” But they didn’t.

[Sigh]… Moving on. Fred offers this nugget of wisdom:

Sex isn’t so much a physical act as it’s an emotional act for women - much different from the male perspective.

And then along comes Amber, who apparently flies in the face of the rules they’ve set up, that slut.

Amber said she knew she’d done some things that were wrong sexually, things that should be reserved for marriage. “But I didn’t lower my standards just because the guy was pushing for it,” she said. “I wanted to be touched just as much as he wanted to touch me. It has happened often, and each time in the middle of it I would be thinking, This isn’t right, but it isn’t that wrong. … Plus, it just felt so good that it was hard to stop.

Okay, so maybe she’s not the brazen hussy that I painted her to be - she’s still speaking in passive language (he touches her, she wants to be touched [as opposed to touching him], etc.), for example. But at least there seems to be some hope for her. -Oh wait, maybe not:

But don’t get the idea that young women think like you do about sex. They don’t. They aren’t visually oriented like you. Amber said, “It’s honestly inconceivable to me that just by looking at something sensual a guy can get so turned on that he has to masturbate! I can’t comprehend that at all.”

Now, before anyone jumps all over my shit: I know that it’s an empirical fact that males respond more to visual stimulation than females. But come on now, it’s “inconceivable” to her? Try stepping outside of your own head once in a while, dear. You’ll be amazed at what you can learn.

Let’s Remember a Crucial Difference

Fred & Steve now spell out the most fundamental difference between men and women, Powerpoint style:

The biggest difference is that sex is not a girl’s top priority in the relationship, and you need to understand this very clearly. Maybe it can most simply be said this way:

• Guys give emotions so they can get sex.
• Girls give sex so they can get emotions.

Woohoo! Let’s reinforce those gender stereotypes just a little more! I don’t think you have a big enough concussion from being beaten over the head with them yet! That’s right, kids… guys are emotionally devoid slaves of an all-encompassing sex drive, and girls collapse under the weight of their massive emotional inventory while their vaginas dry up from neglect.

Amber, Brynna, and Cassie (ABC?) go on to catalog more qualities of their ideal suitor. These include:

• Tells her why he loves her
• Trusts her with his thoughts and feelings
• Not afraid to tell her the truth, even if it hurts
• Honors her family
• Keeps his promises / is a man of his word
• Looks out for her protection and best interests
• Remembers what she tells him (!! - Gah. Low standards, anyone?)
• Holds hands in public
• Gives her an unexpected gift / sends a card for no reason / sends flowers / opens doors / pays for their dates (yeah, girls are such money-grubbing bitches)
• Grants her independence with her friends (!!)
• Praises her in front of others

From this laundry list of requirements for The Perfect Man, Fred comes to the following conclusion:

These young ladies aren’t looking for a little action. They are looking for a little relationship along with some spiritual and physical leadership from you.

And we get to hear another agonizing story from Cassie, this time talking about her boyfriend, Kevin:

We’ve decided together on boundaries, but he often pushes hard at them. When I resist, he pouts or asks why I don’t desire him physically. I hate making him feel bad and having the blame pushed back on me, so sometimes I’ve given in. Kevin’s happy and loving after that, but I get very resentful. Once we even broke up for a number of months.

Sweet suffering Christ on the cross. Looks like Kevin the Rapist has the victim act and attendant manipulation down to a science. But I didn’t see anything about “Love not conditional upon him getting what he wants” or “Not a rapist” in the above list, so I guess he’s cool.

Let’s Be Authentic

Here’s a rule of thumb that our authors set forth: when you enter into a relationship with a girl, “you must leave her better than when you met her.” (Wait, what’s this about “leaving” her? Isn’t marriage the ultimate goal here?) -Actually, here’s an even better rule of thumb, on the next page: “There’s no quicker way to bring shame on the name of Christ than to slip your hand under her bra.”

And now, nearing the end of the chapter, we get into some defintions and even some biology. The question is posed: what is foreplay?

Foreplay is anything that has as its natural result either sexual intercourse or the false intercourse of masturbation. For instance, oral sex, mutural masturbation, heavy petting, and kissing around the neck are foul territory.

Interesting placement of the word “natural” there. Anyway… this is news to me. If intercourse is the “natural result” here, how is it that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18, yet my boyfriend and I were fooling around with our hands down each other’s pants when I was 14? (And can someone please explain to me the difference between “heavy petting” and “mutual masturbation”? Why can’t we use terminology that actually has discernable meaning?)

Now the biology part:

We might loosely paint this picture another way - anything you do with her that causes an erection is out of bounds. An erection is your body’s way of preparing for sexual intercourse.

I’m not even going to say anything about that, as I’m sure all my male readers are stabbing themselves in the eyes at this point.

Might as well bring this to a close, as it’s already way too long - but editing is just so damn difficult! There are two other chapters before the end of the book - one is a big pep rally for virginity; the other is called, “When Your Feelings Are For Other Guys.” At first I thought that one would be a hoot to review, but it’s just the same old stuff - maybe your father was distant, or your mother was overbearing, or you were abused… etc. etc. ad nauseum.

At some point I will move on to writing reviews of the equally stellar Every Young Woman’s Battle. For now I will leave you with this parting thought:

One of our pastors told me, “I’m starting to think that our girls are just as horny as the guys.”

Well, who’da thunk it! They can also do math and play sports. Up next: dogs and cats, living together!

I ordered a used copy of this book (that could’ve been a tinyurl, but apparently some people don’t like those) from Amazon today. I won’t commence reading it until after I finish my reviews of its predecessor - also, the new Harry Potter book is out this weekend - but just as a taste of what’s to come, have a look at the reviews. This in particular amused the ever living hell out of me:

One of the first things I encountered in the book was a detailed anecdote about female masturbation. It made me sick to my stomach.

David pointed that one out to me… what he said (in an IM) was: “I want to read that masturbation story that the comments are referring to. I bet it’s fucking HOT.”

Well, I’ve added another device of procrastination to the ranks: Technorati. (I even cheated and updated the previous post, adding Technorati as one of my “5 favorite toys.”) Now I can see who’s linking to me! Aside from those I already knew about (ATL Bloggers Guild, other IRL friends, etc.) and a few that I didn’t know about but wasn’t surprised by, there were a number of random people out there in Blog Land linking to my Every Young Man’s Battle reviews! Wow, it’s like I have fans! Most of them remarked that they couldn’t wait to read more. So I guess I need to write more reviews! I was planning on it anyway, but Garrett had the book for the past several weeks (learning from it earnestly, I’m sure). Since most of the middle section is just the same stuff over and over (masturbation bad! self-flagellation good!), I’m thinking I’ll do reviews of the last two chapters (”What Do Girls Think?” and “If Your Attractions are to Other Guys”) and that’ll be the end of it. And those last two chapters are doozies, believe me.

David already did a post about this article. So, I’m late to the party. I was going to do a post about it anyway, but now I can’t think of what I want to say. There’s just so much, and I am not in any mood to stop and collect my thoughts into anything coherent. However, I do suggest you read it yourself. They talk about “masturbands” (I bet you want to know what those are!), the crippling effects of blowjobs on teenage girls, and the “purity army” envisioned by the authors of Every Young Man’s Battle (btw, I’ll take that back whenever you’re done with it, Garrett; hope you learned a lot).

This is one of the best parts of the article:

Not having sex means talking about it constantly; the topic of sex and why to wait for it comes up in nearly every sermon, under titles such as “Desperate Sex Lives,” “Sex and the City” and “What a Girl Wants.”

Ha!

The article also points out that Every Young Man’s Battle would not meet its own censor (or is it ‘censure’ in this case?) - way too much talk of low-cut blouses, tight shorts, and nubile female bodies glistening with sweat.

More later, perhaps. I haven’t decided yet.

Good for Texas! Finally, they are taking steps to remedy the problems that lead to teenage pregnancy. They see a problem, and they address it aggressively and proactively, in the interest of the welfare of the state’s teens. Their methods… what could they be? Realistic, comprehensive sex education? Readily available contraception? Dialogues about sexual behavior, which involve talking to teenagers like people instead of retarded monkeys?

Wrong, wrong, and wrong!

Let’s crack down on cheerleading!

Apparently, “suggestive cheerleading” leads to “pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.” It’s a perfectly logical progression. Just like how our friend in Every Young Man’s Battle drew a direct line of connection between masturbating at age 11, and his girlfriend having an abortion in college.

And so we begin Section III of Every Young Man’s Battle, “Choosing Authentic Manhood.”

Chapter 7 starts off talking about how most young men don’t have decent male role models - not even their fathers. Here’s an example of something Fred’s father said to him before he got married:

“Son, I know what the Bible says about premarital sex, and you and I are both Christians and everything. But sex is too important for you to get married without having intercourse with Brenda first.”

He was a terrible role model!

(As an aside, obviously I agree with Fred’s heathen of a father on this point. I’m not saying there aren’t married couples who’ve made it work, getting married without having sex first. But sex is an integral part of a successful relationship, and it pays to get to know your partner in that way ahead of time. Oh, I’ll probably just write a whole separate blog entry about this topic later.)

Follow These Hands and Eyes
So, what if your father is a horrible role model like Fred’s? To whom can you turn for guidance? Well, fortunately the Bible provides role models for you! Jesus, for example. He never “touched a woman with dishonor,” as our esteemed authors put it. Oh, and how Fred wishes he could say the same! He laments, “I have degraded women with my hands.” (Of course, we never hear from the women. I will ramble about this at great length in a future post, too, when it’s not past midnight.)

Enough about hands. What about eyes? It is not okay to look at an attractive woman without, say, thinking about baseball.

The impure thought life is the life of a thief. You’re stealing images that aren’t yours. When you looked down the blouse of a woman who isn’t your wife, you were stealing something that wasn’t yours. When you had premarital sex, you touched someone who didn’t belong to you.

So… what they’re saying is… a man’s wife belongs to him? Jesus H. Particular Christ. These people scare me more and more with each chapter. I mean, I laugh at them, but it really is scary and upsetting, the warped views of sex, relationships, and women that they are perpetuating.

Finishing off that paragraph I quoted above, Fred continues:

It’s just like walking down Main Street behind someone who drops a hundred-dollar bill, and you pick it up. If you choose to keep the money instead of saying, “Hey, Mister!” then you’ve taken something you’re not entitled to.

Yeah. It’s exactly like that. (And honestly, who says “Hey, Mister”? Are we in an episode of Leave it to Beaver?)

So what are you to do if you get discouraged by having Jesus as a role model? I mean, he was God, after all. Well, fortunately the Bible provides a regular guy who’s also a great role model. That’s right: Job!

Just a Man, a Great Model
And here begins the theme of the rest of the chapter, taken from Job 31:1, wherein Job apparently says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”

So this is what you are supposed to do, guys. Make a covenant with your eyes. No, no, pick yourself up off the floor… stop laughing, it’s not funny! This is serious business! Now, let’s set about making that covenant. How do we start? Well…

Making Your Ocular Covenant
First of all, I just have to say, I love the phrase “ocular covenant.” I think I’ll try to slip it into casual conversation if at all possible.

Fred tells us of his struggle to make his ocular covenant. He meditated on the relevant Bible verse for days. He couldn’t really wrap his head around the idea… “Could I really expect my eyes to keep up their end of the bargain? Eyes can’t think or talk!” Damn those eyes.

And then… it happened. His epiphany, his awakening, whatever you want to call it. Fred remembers in acute detail the moment when the covenant was sealed. And this is such a fantastic passage that I have to quote a big chunk of it.

I remember the moment - the exact spot on Merle Hay Road in Des Moines - when everything broke loose. Minutes before, I had failed God with my eyes for the thirty-millionth time. A female jogger, her glistening body capturing my eyes as I drove past her, made me all excited. Yet as soon as I passed her, my heart churned in guilt, pain, and sorrow. Driving down Merle Hay Road, I gripped the wheel and through clenched teeth, I yelled out: “That’s it! I’m through with this! I’m making a covenant with my eyes. I don’t care what it takes, and I don’t care if I die trying. It stops here. It stops here!”

(I realize that more and more, these reviews are becoming just a series of quotes. Seriously, people, it’s hard to summarize… you gotta read this thing yourself.)

His heart churned in guilt, pain, and sorrow after looking at a female jogger? Cripes. Why not just self-flagellate if this is the extreme we’re going to?

On the upside, a few of my male coworkers have yelled, “It stops here!” at opportune moments. It’s hilarious.

And I gotta say, I really think there are bigger/more important causes worth dying for. Just go crank one out, for godsake; then contemplate world peace or something!

Don’t Follow This Sissy
The Bible provides good role models, but there are also men in the Bible whom you should not emulate. For example, Zedekiah. Our esteemed authors call him “the greatest sissy in the Bible.” Strong words.

Personally, I don’t really see Zedekiah as being a sissy. More like just disobedient. Maybe stubborn or hard-headed. Maybe just plan stupid. But a sissy? Nah.

And no, I’m not going to recount the Biblical story. Go Google it if you’re interested.

Man’s Man or God’s Man?
This last little section is supposed to be the “pep talk section” at the end of the chapter, I suppose. It’s really not much of a pep talk, though. More of a lecture. You feel like Fred and Steve are waving their fingers in your face and sending you to your room. They go out with a challenge: “Are you God’s man, hearing the Word and doing it?” -Not to make anyone feel even worse about their intrinsic sexuality, of course.

And in chapter 8, we will learn how to be “God’s man.” But I might skip reviewing chapter 8, and go right on to chapter 9, which is all about (gasp!) masturbation. In fact, there’s a whole section about masturbation. Chapter 9 is just the first of four chapters about “the M word.” So, stay tuned, gentle readers! It’s going to get good.

[Yes! It's another installment of my ongoing review of Every Young Man's Battle.]

Chapter 6 opens with Fred describing the day his 4th child was born. What’s funny, though, is that the whole thing centers around Fred’s anxiety over the gender of the baby — he had become “convinced through prayer” that the baby would be a boy and was now worrying that he shouldn’t have told everyone, because he might be wrong. As his wife was in labor, all he could think was, “What if I’m wrong? What if it’s a girl?” (God forbid!)

Ah, good ol’ Fred! We missed ya!

Anyway. This anecdote serves as his questionable segue into the overall theme of the chapter: “[B]eing a boy means having certain qualities that come ‘hard-wired’ with the package.”

We Do Have These Tendencies, Guys…

(When I saw the heading of this section, I thought, “Oh boy! I can’t wait to see what these ‘tendencies’ are!”)

Fred asks why there is a “prevalance of sexual sin” among men. The answer? “We got there naturally — simply by being male.” Oh, boys will be boys! (And girls are never “sexually impure.”)

Now he proceeds to enumerate these inate male tendencies. Here we go…

Male Tendency #1: We’re Rebellious by Nature. And apparently being rebellious is the explanation behind men commiting 90% of the major violent crimes (according to a study done in 1973; I guess they couldn’t get any newer data). In addition to turning men into violent criminals, this inborn rebelliousness makes men likely to “stop short” (remember the name of chapter 5?) of God’s expectations.

Male Tendency #2: We Have a Strong, Regular Sex Drive. [Well, some do, anyway... but I digress!.] Hey, Fred gets scientific! Because of “sperm production and other factors” (what are the other factors?), the human male naturally desires a sexual release about every 72 hours. Interesting. What does this mean? It means you can’t trust your body to aid you in your battle for purity. Damn that body of yours!

And now, the most deadly tendency of all… (drumroll)

Male Tendency #3: We Receive Sexual Gratification Through Our Eyes. I’m tempted to just quote this enire section verbatim, it’s so good. Your eyes are evil vessels for sexual sin! But, I won’t quote the whole thing. Instead I’ll just do this bit:

Women seldom understand this because they aren’t sexually stimulated in the same way. Their ignitions are tied to touch and relationship. They view this visual aspect of our sexuality as shallow and dirty, even detestable. … Because women can’t relate, they have little mercy on us and seldom dress modestly.

Wow, nicely done! I gotta give it to ya. Going from reinforcing ignorant gender role stereotypes to blaming women for men’s sexual transgressions, all in one paragraph! That takes talent.

Don’t you love how he talks in sweeping generalizations about men and women? I know I do. Of course, it was probably never considered a problem that the only women they spoke to for this book are their wives and other churchy types. I’m sure Brenda (Fred’s better half) is just a firecracker in the bedroom. Not to mention outside of it… put some clothes on, Brenda! Have some mercy on all those poor, unmarried men out there! Oh wait, Fred is probably there to make sure she dresses “modestly.” My bad.

We’re Talking Visual Foreplay

The authors now go on to equate seeing something/someone that makes you horny with foreplay. Hence: “That’s right. Just like stroking an inner thigh or rubbing a breast.” (They are such teases! [Rubbing a breast?])

That’s right, folks. We learned earlier that masturbation == intercourse; now we learn that looking at a hot girl == foreplay. As they put it, “[S]ex is far more than being inside a woman.” (Why does that sentence make me feel so icky?) Well, at least they’re not like those people who say that if it’s not intercourse then it’s not sex. Technical virgins, you know. Catholic schoolgirls who take it up the butt.

They then detail everything else that is considered foreplay and is not allowed. As you can imagine, the list is pretty long. But don’t be distraught! Young couples can physically relate in ways that aren’t foreplay. For example, holding hands, walking arm-in-arm, or even engaging in a short kiss. (Just make sure you’re thinking about baseball the whole time!) But, they warn, “heavy kissing around the neck and chests leads naturally to taking off some clothes, which leads to mutual masturbation, which leads to intercourse.” Huh. Interesting. I did not know that.

So many more pages left to go… so much choice verbage. I’ll try to keep it short, but really people, you need to read this book for yourselves. This chapter in particular is gold. Moving on…

The Eyes Grip the Throat

First sentence of this section: “Our eyes, then, explain why no one escapes.” Uhh… wait. I thought the whole point of this book was to tell you how to escape. Are they saying it’s a lost cause? I’m confused.

Oh, never mind. They are going to tell us how to escape. It involves “training your eyes and mind to be pure, or they’ll keep doing what comes naturally.” And God forbid you do anything that comes naturally!

The Guys Know All About It

Fred describes a men’s group he visited in Missouri, to talk about this book. He gave a list of 10 questions to the men in the group, and they were supposed to check off which ones they’re guilty of. The best, by far, is #10:

Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy VH1 channel for gratification?

I only wish I was making this stuff up.

We also hear an absolutely pitiful story from an 18-year-old guy, describing the guilt that racks him after he masturbates — which he does pretty much every day, because he is, well, an 18-year-old guy. He ends his wretched story with the question, “What’s wrong with me?” Here’s my answer, kid: you’re unnecessarily heaping guilt and shame on yourself for doing something completely natural. Oh, but I forgot, we don’t want to do things that are natural. Again, my bad.

The authors end the chapter with a bit of a pep talk. You can do this, guys! You can repress all your natural desires, just keep trying! But here’s the part — and this is something that they bring up again and again throughout the book, like the light at the end of the tunnel — that confuses me:

[W]e’ll eventually want to look at our future wives and desire them sexually. They’ll be beautiful to us, and we’ll be sexually gratified when we gaze at them, often daydreaming about the night ahead and what bedtime will bring.

This is what I don’t get. If you spend your whole life expending untold amounts of energy to repress every sexual thought and feeling, how the hell are you supposed to just suddently switch it back on once you’re married? The preacher pronounces you husband and wife, and all of a sudden, just like that, it’s okay to be sexually attracted to this woman. In fact, it’s your duty! So, flip that switch back on! Open the floodgates! We know you’ve spent years finding creative ways to repress all things sexual, but now, stop! God commands you!

Hmm… getting a little deja vu. Why do I get the distinct feeling I wrote something very similar to that in an earlier review?

And thus ends chapter 6… you happy, Rusty? ;)

I decided I should start doing the reviews by chapter, not by Part, because the chapters are getting longer. If a review gets too long and needs to be broken up, I’ll break it down by the sections of the chapter, with <h4> headings. So without further ado… chapter 5!

At the beginning of this chapter, we resume Fred’s story of sexual turmoil. Fred explains how a few years into his “wonderful new life in Christ,” he would look around the church service on Sunday morning and see other men “freely and intensely” worshipping God, but he didn’t feel anything special — thus he concluded that there was something wrong with him; there was a “wall of separation” between him and God.

He tried hard to figure out the reason for this wall. Finally it dawned on him. It had to do with his other Sunday morning routine. He would get the Sunday paper and — cover your children’s eyes! — flip through the department store inserts looking at pictures of models in bras and panties! He also admitted that he’d been known to laugh at “dirty jokes.” Remembering the Scriptures, he realized he was still sexually impure:

I remembered that the Bible said such things shouldn’t even be mentioned among the saints. I was worse… I would even laugh at them! And my eyes? They were ravenous heat-seekers searching the horizon, locking on any target with sensual heat.

A couple of things to remark on here. First of all… such things shouldn’t even be mentioned? Well, in that case, I guess this whole book is one big fat sin, since it mentions S-E-X like craaaazy. Oh, but we aren’t saints, so maybe it’s okay. (Geez, this is ridiculous. You can’t talk about sex? No wonder there are so many teen pregnancies.)

As to the last sentence in the above quote — aside from having a misplaced modifier — it basically makes him sound like a big ol’ creep. But, that’s probably what happens when you deny and repress every aspect of your natural (a.k.a. God-given) sex drive, denying yourself any outlet (masturbation is a no-no!) for your sexual feelings.

What had happened to me?

Fred now mentions that at this point in the ongoing drama of his life, he was married to Brenda the Pure. This part is too hilarious not to quote:

As God continued to work in my life, Brenda and I married, honeymooned in Colorado, then settled into a new apartment building on the edge of a cornfield in a Des Moines suburb. Was this a little slice of heaven or what?

HAHAHAHA!

But living in the cornfield with his sexually naïve wife apparently wasn’t good enough for Fred. His mind and eyes continued to wander. Bad Fred!

Chapter 5 from here on out is so full of choice verbage that it’s hard not to just retype the whole thing. You really have to read it for yourself to get the full effect. I’ll do my best to summarize, though.

If you’ll recall, the back of this book claims that it offers advice on “how to develop a realistic battle plan for remaining pure” (emphasis mine). I’m interested to know whose reality Fred and Steve are talking about here. Reflecting on his transgressions with the ad inserts, the dirty jokes, and of course his heat-seeking eyes, Fred says:

By God’s standards of sexual purity, I wasn’t even close to living His vision for marriage. Clearly I’d taken steps toward purity, but I was learning that God’s standards were higher than I’d ever imagined.

Imagine you’re a guilt-ridden young Christian guy reading this book — and buying all its BS. Not very encouraging! What’s a guy to do! You think you’ve made so much progress — only to hear this!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, this is where he explains what the title of the chapter means. It refers to “stopping short of God’s standards.”

Desperation Sets In

Years pass. Fred vows to rid his life of this remaining sexual impurity, but he just can’t seem to do it. (I guess he never stops to think that there might be an actual reason for that — and no, the answer isn’t Satan.) Apparently he is under ’sexual bondage.’

Ooh Fred! Didn’t know you were into the kinky stuff!

God knows we can choose to be pure. So why don’t we? We aren’t victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we’ve simple chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God’s standard.

It’s that simple. We’ve “chosen” to be “impure.” (Sorry; I’ll try not to get too quotation-mark happy.) That’s clearly what it is. It couldn’t be because… oh, I don’t know… sexual feelings are natural and have been an integral part of the human species forever? Didn’t you even say that yourself, Fred? Back in chapter 3? Let’s see… you said: “Attraction to girls is natural.” Interesting.

Authenticity or Just Acceptance?

The authors pose a question: What’s your aim in life — authenticity or acceptance?

Hmm… well, guys… not sure what you mean by “authenticity” … I know that I’m not fake or imitation Amber Rhea. And I do strive for self-acceptance. So I guess my answer is acceptance?

Oops! Wrong answer!

To aim for acceptance is to live your life by the question, “How far can I go and still call myself a Christian?” You want to seem to be a Christian, but you also still want to be accepted by your friends at school and in the youth group, without seeming weird or fanatical. Authenticity requires a different question, which can be stated like this: “How holy can I be?”

Huh. Did not know that!

The authors then take great pains to explain that people choose to be sexually impure because they want to be accepted by their peers. Something else I did not know! I always had sex because, well, I wanted to. What my friends peers would or wouldn’t think wasn’t a factor -But obviously I can’t be used as an example; I’m an anomaly. Women gain intimacy through “communicating deeply,” was that it?

Anyway. We get to hear from Pete and Mary, who are engaged to be married, but whose relationship is in jeopardy — because of popular R-rated movies. -Actually, let me back up. Apparently Pete’s first marriage was “ruined” by X-rated movies. Not him watching them in secret from his wife — but he and his wife renting and watching them together. We don’t get details on how exactly this ruined their marriage, only that it did. I, for one, would like to hear much more about this intriguing topic.

The things some people get worked up about! Mary is in tears describing how she’ll leave the room (she says she heads to the kitchen! that’s right, woman! make me a sandwich!) during the “steamy” scenes and ask Pete to turn the movie off, but he refuses, insisting that they rented it so they might as well watch the whole thing and get their money’s worth. (Makes me think of the whole “getting your money’s worth” myth/syndrome… I can’t remember the technical name of it… anyone?) She feels “dirty and cheap” after this drama, and they — get this — pray about it together before he goes home. Apparently Pete has some serious work to do! He has a problem!

Here’s a thought. Instead of agonizing over and praying about R-rated movies, maybe Pete and Mary should be giving thanks that their lives are peaceful enough that they have time to worry about such things.

Together on the Middle Ground

More about mixing our standard’s with God’s. Will the authors never stop belaboring this point? We get it already!

Fred and Steve call us to fight temptation and rid our lives of every trace of sexual impurity. They use verses from the Bible to make an analogy:

When the Israelites left Egypt for the Promised Land, God told them to cross the Jordan River and destroy every evil thing in their new homeland. That meant killing all the heathen people and crushing their gods to powder.

Woohoo!! Nothing like some good old-fashioned God-sanctioned murder!

The Israelites weren’t good enough at it, though. They weren’t careful to destroy everything, so their culture “mixed” with that of the pagans and they adopted depraved ways… yadda yadda yadda… eventually God removed them from their land. So, this shows how allowing yourself to look at underwear ads in the newspaper will ultimately destroy your marriage.

Ready to Count the Cost?

This is the end of the chapter, so I guess it’s supposed to be the inspirational/motivational part. Too bad it actually sounds pretty depressing (anyone sensing a theme?) For example:

It’s likely that you have at least a hint of sexual impurity in your life. In that case, you’re not ready to pay the price of true obedience — like avoiding the sensuality found in many Hollywood movies. Like avoiding sexy thoughts about the “goddesses” at your school. Like training your eyes to look away from string bikinis, full-busted sweaters, and the hot-looking babes who wear them.

String bikinis… full-busted (”full-busted?”) sweaters… -See, there they go again, teasing these poor guys! Let’s describe in detail everything you’re not supposed to look at! Is this a test?

I’ll end this installment with my favorite quote from the book thus far, taken from a highly irrelevant anecdote about Fred having dinner with his college roommate’s parents:

I was served my first artichokes (which fascinate me to this day)

Can’t make this stuff up, folks.

Tonight I read Part II (comprised of chapters 5 & 6) of Every Young Man’s Battle, and let me tell you, it is chock full of good stuff. But I can’t get ahead of myself. First I have to write my review of chapter 4.

Chapter 4: Nobody Escapes From Adventure Island

It’s been pretty good up until now, but chapter 4 is where things really get cookin’. We get to hear more stories of agony from young Christian men who just can’t seem to get themselves together. We also learn a lot about the female of the species.

The chapter begins by describing how young men today have “been dealt some lousy cards.” Specifically, you’re in school until you’re 18, then 4 more years if you go to college, and then (according to our authors, who are apparently the experts on the subject) you’re expected to postpone marriage for a few years while you “get settled with your career.” Danny, one of the tortured Christian young men, says, “I feel like God made me a sexual being, but He’s asking me to live as though I’m not.”

Hmmm… interesting point there, Danny boy. Want to ride that train of thought a little further, see where it takes you?

The authors don’t have a direct answer for Danny. They simply say, “We hear you,” and then veer off on a tangent.

There’s a tiresomely long section about how our society views adolescence and adulthood as distinct, separate stages in life, whereas in Christ’s time, you were considered an adult when you turned 13. Borrrr-ing!

But they do have a point to this, apparently. It’s supposed to help show how masturbating when you’re 16 can ruin your marriage when you’re 26. (I wish I were making that up.)

I particularly enjoy the part in this chapter where they use The Lion King to make an extremely long-winded analogy, but offer the parenthetical statement, “Okay, we know you prefer more manly fare like Gladiator or Pearl Harbor, but humor us.” That’s right guys… only queers like Disney movies.

Anyway, after the teen/adult exposition and the Disney analogys, we get to the really interesting stuff.

The attitudes, opinions, and assumptions about women in this book are astounding. Often these attitudes are expressed indirectly — which is far more insidious than a direct statement — such as in this remark from a teenager named Jason:

[He] has two hours after school each day “with no mom around and a junior high girl down the street who comes over to my house and lets me do anything I want to her.”

Sweet suffering Jesus on the cross. Is anyone else as frightened and taken aback by that as I was? Any red flags going up? I know it’s not just me. [Update: a illustrative interpretation courtesy of Pat!]

This is the critical bit, that is reinforced again and again throughout the book: “…lets me do anything I want to her” (emphasis mine). It’s always about the man doing things to the woman. It’s about what he wants, what he’s doing — never is there any wording about “we” or “together” or, really, any mention of the woman at all, other than as the one who is having something done to her. She might as well be an inanimate object. (Hmm, maybe that’s why it’s so easy for them to claim, as we’ll see in Part II, that intercourse and masturbation are essentially the same thing.)

Anyway… chapter 4 continues, and we hear from more young men and their constant struggles with sexuality — and the guilt, oh God, the guilt!! These men explain how ashamed they are, how conflicted, how they want to be ‘a man of God but keep getting pulled back into “sin”… one even says, “I’m in hell!” Yeah, buddy, it sounds like you are. Living day to day with that much guilt and shame piled on yourself is, well, hellish!

I read all these men’s stories, and I couldn’t help but think they’ve got it backwards. They think their “sins” of lust, masturbation, pornography, etc. are causing a “separation from God,” and this is what they’re experiencing when they feel guilty. Well, how about this? The guilt is caused by the overwhelming pressure, the all-or-nothing mentality, the ridiculously unrealistic standards they feel they have to meet. This perversion of religion that they’ve been fed is completely screwing them up. We can laugh at it, but really, it’s no laughing matter, it’s what’s wrong with our society… these warped views of sex and — in the case of the guys who swallow this BS — women. It’s scary, all the problems it causes — for the individual and for society as a whole.

I have to interject a personal note here, as well. Reading these stories from these guilt-ridden men, I was reminded of this guy I fooled around with for a few months during my senior year of high school. It was one of the few things I’ve done that could maybe (depending on your standard) be called “sordid.” I was 18 and he was 24… and in the Army, for godsake. Even at the time I had to laugh at the stereotypical-ness of it all. We met at Barnes and Noble; I don’t remember exactly how. I didn’t know at first that he was some sort of born-again Christian. I found that out when, one day, he said that he was in a lot of pain and was doped up on Percocet because he was undergoing a series of laser procedures to have an elaborate sun tattoo removed from his abdomen. I asked why (it was a pretty cool tattoo), and his answer had something to do with not defiling the temple of God. I should’ve known right then and there how this pseudo-relationship would ultimately play out, but I thought he seemed like an intelligent and reasonable person, who wouldn’t bring Jesus to bed. Besides, we’d already fooled around a few times.

Well, I was wrong. First of all, this revelation led to a series of intense debates about religion (including one in which he insisted that all Muslims were evil), which I could’ve done without. More importantly, from this point on, without fail, every time after we’d fool around (”fool around” sounds silly, and this is the third time I’ve used it, but I hesitate to say “have sex,” because… -well, I don’t want to get too graphic here… you can figure it out), he would proceed to give me (and, it seemed, himself) a lecture about why sex outside of marriage was wrong. He was perfectly fine with it in the heat of the moment — hell, he was usually the one starting things up, I wasn’t just some little 18-year-old seductress! Needless to say, we stopped hanging out pretty quickly after that. Who needs that shit?

My [incredibly long-winded] point is this: I watched him wrack himself with guilt, rationalize, apologize, all kinds of complex maneuverings… What was the point? Where did it get him? It was all so unnecessary.

Anyway, back to the book… the rest of chapter 4 is devoted to basically complaining about wives who don’t put out. The first line of this section is, “If you’re looking for sexual nirvana… marriage isn’t it.” Well, that’s just GREAT, isn’t it! These poor guys… they’re not allowed to even think about sex… everything is about waiting until marriage… and then they’re told, they might not even get laid regularly when they’re married? What kind of a cruel, cruel joke is this?

It is in this section that we learn about a fundamental difference between men and women:

[S]ex has different meanings to men and women. Men primarily receive intimacy just before and during intercourse. Women gain intimacy through touching, sharing, hugging, and communicating deeply. Is it any wonder that the frequency of sex is less important to women than to men, as Mark woefully discovered?

“Touching, sharing, hugging, and communicating deeply?” Gag me!

There’s not much more to say about this beautiful excerpt, because it really speaks for itself. Yep, there you have it, folks. The “Christian” idea of women. And remember, this type of crap is being mass-produced in those fabulous abstinence-only textbooks.

Then the authors go on to list various reasons why a man’s wife might not want to have sex with him every waking moment of her life. One particularly hilarious possibility is that she might “be far more interested in her career than in fulfilling him sexually.” That selfish bitch!

This lack of sex with your wife will cause you to — guess what! — be sexually impure again. You’ll find yourself watching “sensual R-rated movies.” Your eyes will “lock on passing babes.” You might even masturbate!

The explanation for this is quite simple:

You see, before marriage, Satan does everything he can to get you to have sex with your girlfriend; after marriage, he does everything he can to keep you from having sex with your wife. (emphasis original)

What a miserable, sorry existence. Does this book make you want to be a Christian or what?

And thus ends chapter 4. Next we will move on to Part II: “How We Got Here.” Stay tuned…!

Saturday night at Barnes and Noble, I was browsing and I wandered into the Christian Inspiration section (which, interestingly, is right beside the Warfare section) and happened upon Every Young Man’s Battle, a book filled to bursting with “strategies for victory in the real world of sexual temptation.” I read the back of it and realized I had to read the whole thing. Sure, I could’ve waited until the next day to go look for it at the library, but why wait? So I bought it. (And I plan on returning it once I’m done reading it - so no breaking the spine or spilling coffee).

This book is too good to be left uncommented upon in an overly sarcastic, potentially offensive, and most certainly sacreligious manner, so I plan to write a detailed review and post it here as I go. I read “Part I: Where Are We?” last night. So, time for the first installation of my review.

Let’s start with the back cover, actually. If you go to the BN.com page (click the link above) you can read what’s there, under “From the Publisher.” This is the part that really leapt out at me: “…how to clean up your thought life.” Your thought life? Is it just me, or does that sound a little too Orwellian for comfort? You’re not allowed even to think about sex? Wow. This oughta be good.

Chapter 1: When Football Was King

We begin chapter 1, wherein co-author Fred Stoeker begins telling the story of his degeneration from dedicated, sexually pure high school student with one goal in sight — becoming an all-star quarterback — to bed-hopping player enmeshed in the sordidness of college life.

In high school, his love of football kept his “urges” in check. However, what puzzles me is how easily he gave up. Despite his all-encompassing dream of PAC-10 football, when he showed up at try-outs at Stanford and saw the other quarterbacks and realized how much better they were — he quit. Just like that. He’s no Rudy, clearly.

And so, as his football dreams died, he turned his attention toward… (ominous music) … women.

After his freshman year, Fred returns home and starts dating an old friend. It got serious fast. At one point they spend a weekend together at a lake cabin. The first night there, you can imagine what he’s thinking. So, what does his girlfriend say?

She says: “You know I’m saving myself for marriage — hopefully ours. If you push forward with this, I want you to know I won’t stop you. But I will never be able to respect you as much as I do right now, and that would make me very sad for a long time.”

What? That comment really confuses me. So, she’s saying, if he wants to, she will have sex with him — but she will lose respect for him? What about her simply saying no? I guess it’s not up to her. She’s the woman. She’s the recepticle. (And secretly horny? Is she pushing her horniness onto him, making it his problem, not hers?) I’m also curious as to how she would feel about herself if she would lose respect for him in this situation. It is very puzzling indeed.

You’ll be happy to know that our hero resists — for now. When he goes back to college, he meets another girl and falls in love. He believes she is the girl he will marry. “Since there was nothing holding [them] back,” they have sex.

Huh? Nothing holding them back? What was holding him back in the cabin at the lake that is suddenly absent now? That emotionally loaded comment from his girlfriend? God? What, exactly?

Apparently he rationalized that since they would get married eventually, it was okay. Well, they end up breaking up. And so begins a series of further rationalizations. And thus we see how our hero ends up sleeping with quite a few women during his sophomore year of college. All of this serves to illustrate “the fiery draw of premarital sex.”

Chapter 2: Distance from God

Chapter 2 begins with good ol’ Fred still hopping from bed to bed, oblivious to the fact that something is wrong with his life. He graduates college, moves to San Francisco, and takes a job as an investment banker. One late night in his office, while watching a sunset out the window, God speaks to him and tells him he needs to change his ways. He realizes that something has really changed when, while visiting friends, he enters a bathroom where the walls are papered with Playboy centerfolds, and is “repulsed.” Hmmm. Could living in San Francisco have turned him gay?

But the real turning point comes when he tracks down an old high school crush and they quickly head back to her apartment and into her bed (he’s changed, though, right?) — and he can’t get it up.

Clearly this is a sign of God working in his life — not his repressed gayness.

As an aside: this chapter ends with Fred stating that a few months later he meets Brenda, and the two of them “commit to saving intercourse until [their] wedding night” (emphasis mine). Hmm. Interesting choice of wording there, Fred! Not that I am suggesting anything impure.

Chapter 3: Oneness with God

A large portion of chapter 3 is devoted to quotes from the New Testament that show that God does not tolerate any form of “sexual impurity.” Interestingly, all these quotes are from the Pauline epistles.

That Paul. Hoo boy, he was obsessed with sex.

Also, we hear from a teenager named John, who “can commit to this abstinence thing,” but he’s not giving up blow jobs. And then we hear, “But maybe you”re not like John at all. You”re a good kid.” Because only bad kids have oral sex. Naughty, naughty!

Some choice outtakes from Chapter 3:

Perhaps intercourse once seemed wrong, but you recently got it on with that girl in English class and you didn’t feel guilty at all.

Sex without guilt! Heavens, no!

Attraction to the female body is a natural, God-given desire.

But attraction to the male body? That’s queer! It’s an evil choice.

We’ll be tempted in many wrong ways to play with these natural desires and attractions to girls. Obviously, stripping off her clothes in the basement at the afer-game party is a wrong way…

Especially if she doesn’t want you to. That’d be date rape, cowboy. (But I forgot, how she feels about any of this isn’t an issue in this book.)

… but it’s just as wrong to stare lustfully at her and fantasize in your mind.

Damn! What’s a guy to do? (And, I’m curious, where else could you fantasize besides your mind? Redundancies…)

There isn’t a day in which I don”t take a call on my daily radio talk show from a husband or wife asking how he or she can recover from an adulterous affair or a partner’s sexual addiction.

A partner’s sexual addiction? I’m really curious as to what they mean here. Especially because later they go on to basically disparage wives who don’t want sex all the time.

When we turn on the computer and masturbate over naked, nameless lovers lying across our screen, we aren’t like Christ.

Mmmm… naked, nameless lovers… -wait, what? Ahem. Yes. Well, no shit, Sherlock. For one thing, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have computers 2,000 years ago.

There is one more chapter in Part I, but it’s nearly as long as chapters 1-3 put together, so I’ll wait til later and write a separate review of chapter 4.

It’s kind of cruel, really. This book tells you you”re not even supposed to think about sex, yet it describes in detail the “exhiliration” of an orgasm, steamy sex scenes from movies, etc… What are they, a bunch of teases?

Since this is probably the longest blog entry I’ve ever written, it should suffice for now. I apologize for any typoes. It’s past my bedtime.