Being Amber Rhea

As most of you blog readers know by now, my present to myself on my 29th birthday was a professional pinup-esque photo shoot at an abandoned prison farm. Incidentally, this is how you spell awesome.

And it was a big step for me, particularly in the area of body acceptance.

In some ways, I don’t have body image hangups in the way it seems a lot of other women do. I don’t have a problem being naked in front of people, or fucking in front of people. A lot of anxiety I had about being uncoordinated and stupid-looking in my movements has gone away thanks to pole dancing. In the midst of all the names and insults that were thrown at me as a teenager, the one time that someone called me fat, I laughed in their face - and it wasn’t a self-defensive, “try to make it look like I’m not affected by your abuse” laugh. It was a genuine WTF laugh at the absurdity of the accusation. Of all the things I’ve believed myself to be - ugly, undesirable, freakish, repulsive - I’ve always known I’m not fat. (As if fat is such an awful thing to be anyway - but I don’t want to get off on a tangent.)

I’ve never felt terrible pressure to shave or anything like that. -Okay, well, I take that back. In 7th grade gym class, someone made fun of me for not shaving my legs yet. It honestly hadn’t occurred to me to shave my legs, but I went home and did it for the first time that night. That was more about wanting to be grown-up than anything else though. Anyway - I know the pressures are there, and they affect many women in a very real way. But for some reason it’s just never been much of an issue for me.

And yet, even now, when I’m nearly 30 (!), still in the back of my head there’s that little refrain: “ugly.” I’m the ugly girl. Not allowed to be sexual because it’s just unthinkable. Not good enough even for a mercy fuck.

One of the my first therapists, in high school, when I used to go to the psychology department at Augusta State so the students could have someone to practice on, talked about bad experiences being like a tape player on a loop, constantly playing in our heads. You have to recognize it, and then consciously stop the tape. And eventually it’ll stop playing altogether.

The progress I’ve made over the last 10+ years has been huge, but the tape isn’t completely silent yet.

The photo shoot helped.

-Now at this point in the post, I don’t know what else to say, because I know that no matter what, someone will want to claim posing for scantily-clad photos is something I’m doing just because I have no self-respect or want outside validation or some other bullshit. I’ve mentioned it before, but this line of “reasoning” has always baffled me. It really makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall, because that would be more productive. So many people just spout it and I don’t think many of them question it at all, they just accept it and repeat it. But why does nudity - women’s nudity, to be exact - equal lack of self-respect? Or fucking, too. I hated that as a teenager so, so much. No, maybe I’m fucking because I like to fuck. As Madonna said, “Don’t hang your shit on me.”

Look, maybe this’ll help. Here’s the thing I sent in for that book on why you became a feminist. Not sure what the rules are with stuff like this, if I’m not supposed to be posting it or something, but here you go:

I didn’t have one well-defined “click” moment that led me to feminism — more like a series of indignant realizations. It all began when I was around 15 or 16 years old and realized the way I felt about sex didn’t match up with the way other girls my age felt about it (or, at least, the way they said they felt about it). For example, a friend swore up and down to me that all she ever fantasized about was kissing, because anything else was “perverted.” Most girls at my high school were singing the praises of abstinence until marriage — even as more and more of them became pregnant. I wondered how it was that the glaring irony could be lost on them.

Opinions boys held about female sexuality didn’t match up with my internal experience, either. Everything was reductive and a big joke — the old slut/prude meme. At the time I wondered how it was possible that no one else saw how ridiculous this was, because to me it was so transparent — but infinitely frustrating, because everyone seemed to believe it.

I wasn’t yet ready to speak what I was feeling, but already I was being told that I was wrong, perverse, and even dangerous, somehow. So what I would write about for my essay is how feminism gave me the tools to break out of the narrow confines of acceptable sexuality that were presented to me.*

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. For me, it’s never been about approval from The Male Gaze or some shit. And as I’ll mention in an upcoming post I want to write about pole dancing, the salivating, entitled way many men react to my own self-empowerment makes me want to kick them in the head, because OH MY FUCKING HELL IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!! (Aside: this is why in addition to being called a silly sparkle-pony [included just for you, Jenny] sex-pozzie patriarchy-appeaser, I also get called a feminazi and a man-hating castrating dyke etc. So it goes.) Yet somehow people can’t swallow that. Why am I not believed to know myself when it’s about certain topics?

I want to ask people, which matters more: my intent, or your skewed interpretation? You’ve already drawn your conclusions, why should I even try to convince you otherwise? The words “objectifying” and “degrading” come up, and I just lose my shit.

A friend emailed me and said: “I am so incredibly proud and in awe of your photos. It’s just so refreshing (?) to see a regular woman take photos and not be self-conscious about it. I would never get photos like this taken because I’m so critical of the most insignificant things on my body. I know it took you a long time to get this place, but it’s just so awesome that you’re there!”

I’ve had the URLs of a few other posts hanging around in this draft; since I can’t find a seamless way to reference them or work them in, I’ll just quote and let you make your own connections.

From Caroline’s post How to view smut:

But if you want to say she’s degraded because she’s clearly up for sex, she’s leaning as if ready to be penetrated from behind and you can see her cunt, well go for it. Just don’t expect me to agree, yeah?

From Tara’s post The F word:

When I started going to college was when I really realized how lucky I was. Here was a world full of young girls wearing skimpy clothes and dieting and spending hours doing their hair and make up every day. For free.

I made friends with a girl who agonized over her virginity and swore that she had a problem with over eating. She was so skinny that if she had been a stripper she’d have been the kind that guys told to eat a sammich. One day she was all excited. She showed me a book with pictures of muscular naked woman. “This is what me and my sister look like!” she said. “I never knew there were other women who looked like us.”

“Um,” I said looking at the pictures, “that’s how most women look?”

Then I realized that the only naked women she’d ever seen were airbrushed in magazines. Probably all those other college girls, too. And every newbie 19 year old stripper who asks me a gazillion times a night if she’s too fat. Holy fuck, all these women are deprived of growing up knowing what normal people look like under their clothes, and then they look in magazines and think everyone looks like an airbrushed model. Y’all need to get your kids around some nekkid people.

From Trinity’s post Sexuality, Mental Health, and Ableism:

And that’s the thing. People can find the flaws in the classic Enlightenment theory of autonomy, of the definition of consent, etc. all they want. I’ve joined them in the past, and may again someday. But in terms of really helping people, here and now, to have healthier sex lives, such an exercise strikes me as intellectual masturbation a lot of the time. When sexual autonomy is itself a luxury, arguing about whether it was designed for straight white men really ought to take a backseat to protecting the rights of “the crazies,” here, to have and to want sex.

In a world where people deem one another unworthy of control over their own sexual destinies, the endless discussions of what motives are positive, are “okay,” etc. strikes me as more of the problem, not a bold new solution that cuts off the problem at the dark, twisted “root” we’ve finally exposed.

I was one of those who wasn’t allowed to be sexual. Other women experienced pressure to be sexual before they were ready or in a way that wasn’t comfortable for them - that is their reality. But one doesn’t trump or nullify the other.

The bottom line is, this photo shoot absolutely was a big step for me. I hate that the word “empowering” has come to be seen as an oft-mocked buzzword, but dammit, that’s what it was. Some people will never believe me, they’ll always assign me motives and psychiatric diagnoses based on what they think they know. Rationally, I know I shouldn’t concern myself with them. But it’s just so frustrating because these lines continue to be reinforced every day. Being openly sexual means you have low self-esteem and no self-respect. I don’t know in what universe this makes sense, but apparently it’s a universe where lots of people reside.

All I can say to people who would disbelieve me is: this is my reality, and you don’t get to tell me how to heal.

—
* With the photo shoot it’s not even necessarily about sexuality, but rather about bodies, even though I know I’m conflating the two all over the place. I mean, they are interrelated, so I guess it’s not too far off the mark to do some conflating; my body was unacceptable and therefore the thought of me being sexual was unacceptable.

*sigh*

I never should have gotten involved in this conversation. I mean, I do want to engage with Hugo and other commenters who can be respectful, because I think it’s an important dialogue that is well worth having. But I knew it would end up going, well, the way it’s gone. Because these conversations always do.

Once again, we are not talking about labor rights for sex workers. Once again, the “sex” aspect gets the focus while the “work” aspect is swept under the rug. Once again, sex workers’ voices are NOT centered - they are cast aside as “minority” and unimportant, if even considered at all.

I really wonder sometimes… how can ANYONE read a thread like that and NOT see why those in the sex workers’ rights movement do NOT want to engage with many anti-porn advocates? Why sex workers, regardless of how they feel about their work, don’t have the time of day for those attitudes that treat them as “other.” Or even any of us who are sexual minorities in any way (which in this case means a pretty damn broad brush).

How can anyone read a thread like that and not see THE BIG FUCKING PROBLEM??

The whole thing just makes me feel profoundly sad and… icky, for lack of a better word. My sexual proclivities put up for debate and analysis, again. My commitment to feminism questioned, again. My motives doubted, again. LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN THERE BEFORE. Especially with the first one… you think I haven’t been getting that since day one when I first acknowledged myself as a sexual being and refused to keep quiet about it??

And I’m not a sex worker… so I can only imagine what it feels like for women who are sex workers to attempt to engage in such an environment. Double, triple, or quadruple the condescension, dismissal, sneering and disgust that I feel, I’m sure.

Look at this, from commenter Faith:

I do not necessarily believe that any woman who engages in ass to mouth is looking to self-destruct. I do seriously worry about anyone who engages in ATM.

You “worry?” Oh, fuck YOU! I don’t need your paternalism! Oh thank you for “worrying” about me, because THAT really makes me feel like you see me as an intellectual equal!

And the pièce de résistance, from commenter matey (the “you” in the comment in Ren):

I defy any woman who doesn’t have some serious self destruct issues to relish the idea of ATM. And although I have no idea of the kind of porn you produce, if it is ATM or anything else that perpetuates the idea that bullying and physical abuse is ‘fun’ (I do not count personal records of BDSM in that) I would see you as a traitor not only to womanhood, but also to humanity.

Emphasis mine.
Just… wow.

THIS is the kind of attitude that keeps sex workers (and to a lesser extent, any openly sexual woman) seen as “other,” asking for it, able to be murdered and not missed, raped but it’s not really rape it’s theft of services.

And so it keeps on going… *sigh*

Via F-Words, I just came across this four-year-old post by Melissa McEwan. OMFG it is made of *WIN*!

Some quotes (and I will resist the urge to quote the entire post)…

Life is hard enough without my unexpectedly smacking people in the face who trust me not to be a jerk, and it’s in that same spirit that I’ve tried to convey how misogynist language is uncool—hey, I don’t want to get blindsided with shit like that from an ostensible ally. When I highlight the use of sexist language at a male-authored blog, it’s because such language is alienating and demeaning and infuriating and I’m operating under the assumption that those bloggers don’t want to alienate, demean, and infuriate their female readers. But that, as it turns out, usually tends to be a faulty assumption.

—

The truth is, if I actually spent my days actively paying attention to every example of misogyny around me, I would be a profoundly unhappy woman. Not bitchy or grumpy or short-tempered, but paralyzingly depressed. Women have to train themselves to avoid consciously reacting to every bit of misogynistic detritus permeating the culture through which we all move, lest they go quite insane. I write about the things I can’t not write about. If I wrote about all the examples of sexism I see every day, I’d never sleep.

—

As long as there are men, who would ostensibly be part of the “humanist” movement, yet retain a visceral and violent reaction to the feminine, there is no foundation for a sexless, “humanist” movement. Generally, those arguing in favor of a “humanist” movement won’t say they’re arguing for men’s inclusion, instead citing what they perceive as the limitations of feminism/womanism—”But what about gay people or people of color or the disabled or the poor or…?” they ask, as if there is something intrinsic to feminism that precludes also fighting other biases. The truth is, if one is genuinely concerned with the betterment of women, one is necessarily concerned with fighting biases against any marginalized group, because, half (give or take) of all such groups are women.

—

Making the personal public and political is serious business. Because women’s stories aren’t told, it’s incumbent upon female feminists to tell their own stories, to fill that void, to be unrepentant and loquacious raconteurs every chance we get, to talk about our bodies, our struggles, our triumphs, our needs, our lives in every aspect. It’s our obligation to create a cacophony with our personal narratives, until there is a constant din that translates into equality, into balance.

I missed it the first time around because I didn’t know about Shakesville (formerly Shakespeare’s Sister) four years ago. It was a brand new blog at the time.

-Actually, now I’m confused. Is that post really four years old? It is dated October 5, 2004 but includes links that are dated in 2006. :\ Oh well, whatever; the point is, the post is awesome and is a must-read.

READ IT.

Elizabeth Wood has a new article published in the journal Feminism and Psychology, entitled “Consciousness-raising 2.0: Sex Blogging and the Creation of a Feminist Sex Commons.” It touches on many of the issues she raised at Sex 2.0 in her session Creating the Sex Commons.

I just can’t say enough good things about Elizabeth. I have so much effing respect for her. I wish that I had a subscription to the journal so that I could read the full article, but I’m sure it’s amazing, like the rest of her work.

At Sexerati, Melissa has an excellent response piece. Quotage:

[I]f the feminist marketplace of ideas cannot support a true diversity of sexual theory, and neither can the mainstream, then maybe blogging is a wonderful, messy middleground. Personal sex blogging may be (hopelessly?) marginalized to the hoary Blogspots of the the web, but within every Penthousey story, there can still be an ethic of truth-telling. That ethic isn’t too different from our original feminist sex rebellion: against the over-medicalization and patholgization of women’s sexuality, and in favor of the multiplicity of bodies, genders, desires, and pleasures we ought to have the right to.

Following the publication of the article, Elizabeth is asking for input from sex bloggers:

want to add the kind of richness that more examples from blogs would give it. So I am asking you who read here and who contribute to the sex commons by writing your own personal sex narratives, in the spirit of collaborative publishing and participatory research: If you have a post that you think does an especially interesting job of articulating desire, of describing stigmatized sex in shameless ways, of extending a sense of sexual community, please let me know about it. Leave a link in the comments, or email me a link (elizabeth at sexinthepublicsquare dot org.

See her post at Sex in the Public Square for more details, and consider sharing some of your own writing. I’ve been looking through my archives trying to find something that really fits her criteria and have been dismayed that so far I’ve come up empty-handed. I guess this means I need to write more about actual fucking!

From a post entitled The myth of objectivity by Suzie at Echidne of the Snakes (originally written for a newsletter in 2003), via Shapely Prose:

They thought that being a feminist made me biased. It didn’t occur to them that not being a feminist was also a political stance. No one is neutral. You challenge the system, or you support it, even if it’s just with your silence and inaction.

and:

Many journalists accept and reinforce the norms of the culture, both in and outside the newsroom. Welcome to “The Matrix.” In the past, for example, most believed domestic violence was a personal problem, with no larger implications for society. The women’s movement drew attention to domestic violence. Nevertheless, media coverage rarely links it to sexism — beliefs that men are superior and have a right to control women. Another example: Editors questioned whether a gay colleague could cover issues of sexual orientation. Heterosexuals were considered unbiased, even though many of the men ridiculed gays.

I recommend reading the whole post; it’s a good food-for-thought piece about the idea of “objectivity” in journalism, and is (buzzword-laden clause warning!) particularly relevant to the discourse about new media. See also: Violet Blue’s February 2007 San Francisco Chronicle piece, Kink.com and Porn Hysteria: The Lie of Unbiased Reporting.

Lots of things I want to say but not sure how to tie them all together coherently - so I won’t try. Gotta keep reminding myself: old-school blogging FTW! I can guarantee that this post will mix the personal and the socio-political in all kinds of confusing and inconsistent ways.

But I guess first I should explain the title of the post. Heh, that’s why I have an inside jokes tag. Jenny sent a tweet yesterday wherein she coined the term (she also recently coined “sleevishness,” referring to wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve) and then I put it in my GTalk status, which is our medium of choice for enabling each other’s procrastination at work.

Now that that’s out of the way, I want to jump right in with some quotage. Last night I read this post by Glamourpuss at The Pole Affair and got déjà vu because I swear I’ve written something nearly identical in my paper journal at some point during the last ~10 years.

She asks me what I do when people hurt me and I tell her I don’t say much, preferring instead to walk away, hide, lick my wounds in private and avoid further pain. She asks if I confront my aggressor and I say that generally, I do not, and I certainly don’t retaliate. She asks why and I say because confrontation scares the hell out of me and that’s the way I’ve always done it. She points out that what worked for the little girl in a turbulent household and kept her safe, may not work now, and it’s time to question this learned behaviour. That gives me plenty to mull over. I tell her I accept she’s right, but truly, I have no idea how to be different — what does being different actually entail and what do I do to be that?

Then today, in the comments of the amazing post which I linked to earlier (to which…), I read this comment, and it nearly made me cry; because as I told Rusty on AIM, this commenter absolutely nails everything I’ve TRIED to articulate many times before but have always failed.

I’m thinking of all the times people have told me to shut up, to calm down, that things that I care about or that bother me or that genuinely concern or frighten me are no big deal and I’m just being irrational and overemotional, or that I’m just plain wrong about my own opinions, feelings, or experiences and then later, the same people say “well geez Sugar, don’t be such a victim, why do you give up so easily/ feel so helpless/ not speak up/ never stand up for yourself?”

WHY? FUCKING WHY?!!!! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SERIOUS.

Because you will treat me like an idiot if I do. Because you will dismiss me if I do. Because nothing I say or do will be listened to for the most part, and I have no way of guessing which are the exceedingly rare situations in which it will, so WHY in all the nine hells should I even consider opening myself for ridicule and condescending remarks and then also have my needs or worries unmet anyway?!!!! I actually have a fucking brain, contrary to popular thought, and frankly I find it pretty IMPRACTICAL (oh noes, I know the logicks?!) to make gestures which I know from experience to not only be fruitless, but also to invite more woe upon my head. I tend, in my actions, to attempt to protect myself from further harm if harm’s been done already and I don’t feel I’m in a position with enough advantage to correct it. OH GODS, THE BRAINING. SHIT, IT’S LIKE FUCKING POETRY, EXCEPT WITH MORE MATHS.

I’m running out of sarcastic remarks to type in all caps, but all the exclamation points in the world wouldn’t be enough to emphasize this: We’re. Not. Stupid. Or Crazy. Or Lying.

I felt the pang of a knife twisting in my gut as I read it. I was thinking YES YES YES as my eyes got a little cloudy.

I love my blog because it’s a place for me to speak my piece and no one can tell me to shut up. Or, they can try - and believe me, they definitely have tried - but I can ban them and let them go whine about their “free speech” rights somewhere else. Because this is my space. This is where I get to say the things that matter to me, to speak the truth of my experiences, to talk about the things that are important to me and the only potential censor in place is my own self-imposed feelings of limitation. And, ya know, this is the space where I try to work through those limitations, too!

But even with all that happy touchy-feely stuff, there also comes the reality that if my little corner of the internet is a place for me to speak my truth and not be silenced, then the internet also has spaces where hateful people can do the same sort of mocking and demeaning that they’ve done for almost too long for me to remember - and I’m not sure whether it hurts more “in real life” or online, but it still HURTS, I know that much.

Let me try to tell you how it feels to pour your heart and soul into something you believe in, to try to explain yourself, defend yourself against vicious attacks, work for a better world, be the change you seek, all that stuff… and have someone just laugh in your face. -Actually, I don’t have to tell you; the commenter I quoted above already did.

What a lot of people don’t understand when they talk about “defending yourself” against bullies is, that only works if the bully takes your defense seriously. Back in middle school? I couldn’t defend myself - because I tried at first, but then I stopped, because I learned that me trying to defend myself was more cause for laughter and mockery. There was no way for me to win. So I might as well just shut up and take it.

Last night, I was in the XXBN chat room while listening to Gracie and Callie on the radio show (everyone should listen to the podcast of it, btw; it was a great show). Gracie was talking about identity online and choosing how much to reveal or hide, and she said something like, “I think Amber and I both get kind of sad or angry about this.” And then Nobilis, who was in the chat room too, said: “Amber? Angry? Naaaaah…” and then put in a smiley emoticon.

Argh!!! :(

I don’t want to be typecast as “the angry woman” - it feels icky and exploitative and demeaning. It makes me feel small. It shoves me into an uncomfortably familiar box. And - not that I should even have to say this (but the other shitty thing is that it puts me in the position of having to say “no I’m not!”) - I don’t think I’m all that angry. I don’t even know what that would mean or look like. I don’t understand it as an accusation. And yet, there are people who perceive me that way - and they’re always men. So why is that? (Don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical question.)

I said as much to Nobilis in the chatroom last night. Even though it felt uncomfortable and scary (see above quote re: confrontation), I called him out and told him that was not okay, and explained why (basically what I wrote in the last paragraph).

He said nothing.

This is a pattern, too. I share how I feel, open my veins, put myself out there even when I shouldn’t have to, because I’ve been put in the position of having to by others; and the response, even sometimes from people I love and who love me… is silence.

And that, I truly don’t understand.

And, too? Is anger not at times a valid and justified emotion/reaction? I certainly agree with the sentiment that anger should not itself be an end but should be a means to something constructive. But how exactly does it help for anyone to deny being angry, ever? Sometimes people have a right to be angry. Sometimes there are situations where if someone wasn’t angry, you’d really wonder what was up!

Of course, it’s no surprise the way this gets leveled at women in particular; we’ve been socialized to be “nice” and take care of other people’s feelings, often at the expense of our own. Nice girls don’t get angry. It’s just not done. I can’t tell you how many times I was chastised by my mother with two simple words and a stare that told me not to talk back: “Be nice.”

I get angry, sure. Unfortunately I tend to turn my anger inward, and it becomes destructive to me. And, moreso than being angry in that fired-up, righteous, in-your-face way (see again: confrontation), what my anger actually manifests itself as, most of the time, is sadness. A heavy, all-encompassing sadness where I just don’t know what to do. Add to this a history of clinical depression and it’s not exactly fun times ahead.

But seriously, what can I do, in the face of things like this? I avoid reading such blogs - I keep myself out of such situations - as much as possible, because of the toxicity. (Again, there’s the word that always fits: toxic.) I’m always wary of it reaching the point of becoming willful denial of reality - although, I think, the very fact that I worry about this means that I won’t ever have that problem. Hell, why even equivocate at all: I know myself well enough to know that that will never be a problem of mine.

And yet.

I hear terms like “echo chamber” and they sting, sometimes - because it seems that they are often misapplied.

What’s the good in shouting at a brick wall? It’s better, I think, to say what needs to be said in a place where those words won’t be stifled, and people can choose to listen or not. Maybe slowly but surely people will start to consider things that they previously had written off. I know it’s possible. It doesn’t happen in droves, but I truly do believe this type of micro-activism (to borrow a term from Renee) is important.

Yet I can’t keep having the same conversations over and over again. Saying the same things, to people who suddenly close their ears. The “Don’t Be That Guy” panel at Balticon was extremely difficult for me for this reason - even though I also felt heartened and hopeful about it because I saw two people in the audience have ‘click’ moments; I saw their eyes light up, their heads cock to the side as they considered something new.

And anyway, I can’t always keep myself out of these situations, because it infuses progressive circles as well. The casual sexism, comments about “oh lord what is she wearing,” and somehow it’s okay if it’s a woman we don’t like; the casual racism, Photoshopped images of politicians in blackface and we’re all supposed to understand it’s “satire;” the jokes about trannies and hookers; the R-word, everywhere. The people who think they get a pass because we both happen to oppose the war in Iraq.

I can’t call it out every time. It’s too exhausting.

Well, I’ll write more later; I feel depleted at the moment. For now I’ll close with Tori:

From Kate at Shapely Prose, via Jaded Hippy:

You, dear male reader, are totally not one of those men. I know this, and I appreciate it. I really do. But here’s where all this victimy girl shit concerns you:

• every time you don’t tell your buddies it’s not okay to talk shit about women, even if it’s kinda funny;
• every time you roll your eyes and think “PMS!” instead of listening to why a woman’s upset;
• every time you say any woman–Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Phyllis Schlafly, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, any of us–”deserves whatever she gets” for being so detestable, instead of acknowledging there are things that no human being deserves and only women get;
• every time you joke about how you’ll never let your daughter out of the house or anywhere near a man, ’cause ha ha, that’ll solve everything;
• every time you say, “I don’t understand why thousands of women are insisting this is some kind of woman thing”;
• every time you tell a woman you love she’s being crazy/hysterical/irrational, when you know deep down you haven’t heard a word she’s said in the past 15 minutes, and all you’re really thinking about is how seeing her yell and/or cry is incredibly unsettling to you, and you just want that shit to stop;
• every time you dismiss a woman as “playing the victim,” even if you’re right about that particular woman…

You are missing an opportunity to help stop the bad guys.

You’re missing an opportunity to stop the real misogynists, the fucking sickos, the ones who really, truly hate women just for being women. The ones whose ranks you do not belong to and never would. The ones who might hurt women you love in the future, or might have already.

‘Cause the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I’d-hit-that and you just can’t reason with them and you can’t live with ‘em can’t shoot ‘em and she’s obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can’t stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can’t play by the rules they don’t belong here and if they can’t take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they’re only good for fucking and cleaning and they’re not fit to be leaders and they’re too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they’d just stop overreacting and telling themselves they’re victims they’d realize they actually have all the power in this society and white men aren’t even allowed to do anything anymore and and and…

I get that you don’t really mean that shit. I get that you’re just talking out your ass.

But please listen, and please trust me on this one: you have probably, at some point in your life, engaged in that kind of talk with a man who really, truly hates women–to the extent of having beaten and/or raped at least one. And you probably didn’t know which one he was.

And that guy? Thought you were on his side.

As long as we live in a culture where the good guys sometimes sound just like the misogynists, the misogynists are never going to get the message that they are not normal and that most people–strong, successful men included–do not hate women.

The entire post is a must-read. I couldn’t quote the whole damn thing because it’s too long. But I did quote slightly more than Jaded Hippy did.

Seriously. Read it. Several times, preferably.

From Apostate, replying to an assy commenter on her blog:

I see. So in face of daily murders, rapes, mutilations, stalkings and brutalization – of women by men – your major concern lies with the (mythical) castrating man-hating feminist.

I wrote this as a comment on Deb’s blog (on this post; comment currently in moderation) but wanted to repost it here as well.

I haven’t heard the term “anti-sex” very often. I *have* heard “sex-negative” fairly frequently (and I use it myself on a regular basis) and when I *have* heard “anti-sex,” it seems that the meaning is intended to be the same as “sex-negative.” That is, it’s not about whether a particular individual does or does not like sex. That’s not even part of the argument. Instead, it’s about the way sexuality is regulated in our society, so that only certain expressions of sexuality are considered acceptable. And who most often suffers because of these constraints? You got it: women, queer folks, trans folks, people with disabilities. If we “stray from the path” - to use your very appropriate blog title! - we are punished. We are suddenly outside the scope of what is acceptable, and therefore *wrong* or even seen as inhuman in some cases (e.g., sex workers). Sex-positivity is about embracing *all* expressions of sexuality and decentering the male-centric, heteronormative stereotypes of sexuality. I’ve collected some good reference links on the matter here, that explain it much better than my fumbling attempt!

Occasionally I like to just go back and re-read some of those posts I’ve collected on my Sex-Positive Reference page. And when I do, I always come away with the question hanging heavily in the air: how could anyone who identifies as feminist not be sex-positive?

Look at this bit from Amanda Holloway, for example:

I believe that being in control of one’s sexual self involves having access to information that allows for informed decision making. I also believe that it involves access to the medical treatments and technology –from condoms to regular Pap smears to Gardasil to abortion procedures – that put women in charge of their bodies. I believe in sexual self-determination, that each person has a right to determine who she will be intimate with, and in what context, without being judged for her choices or forced into others. I believe that being in control of one’s sexual self is an integral part of autonomous adulthood, and until women are given the right to control our sexual selves we will continue to be treated like children in this paternalistic society.

How could any feminist not support these goals? (And as I’ve said before, I think the idea of being sex-positive and not being feminist is a contradiction in terms. To be sex-positive is to be feminist. To two are so inherently wed that to try to separate them makes no sense to me.) And, really: how could ANYONE not support these goals?

From Superlagirl:

This bothers me: “Their first sexual experiences have taught them that their primary value in life is their body and what others want to do with it. Or they learn that they are dirty little whores and they might as well live the part.” I am severely uncomfortable with putting words in survivors’ mouths. When I talk about my experience, I speak for myself. When I listen to other survivors, I respect that they are speaking for themselves, which is a hell of a lot harder to do than just making arbitrary generalizations. Yes, there are certainly common themes that arise in the telling of these stories, but there are no universal truths. I am glad that you are concerned with the needs of adult survivors of childhood abuse, but please do not attempt distill the experiences of those who suffer from abuse-related PTSD to She Was Treated Like a Whore, and Now She Acts Like One. We might be damaged, but we’re still nuanced. (Generally speaking, of course.)

And now this: “Can a truly free choice be made in response to childhood trauma? We think not.” Really? So my choice to seek therapy wasn’t a free choice? My choice to pursue positive sexual relationships wasn’t a free choice? My choice to give birth at home wasn’t a free choice? My choice to raise my daughters nonviolently wasn’t a free choice? All of these decisions stem from my experience with abuse. I don’t really like the implication that I’m just some traumabot with no capacity for self-determination.

EXACTLY.

Or, more succinctly, Lia:

I’ve decided that saying that someone goes into sex work because they have been sexually abused is like saying that someone becomes a baker because their Easy Bake Oven burned them when they were a child.

Ren has a good question. I wonder if anyone has a decent answer?

Yesterday this post by Hugo Schwyzer showed up as a referrer in my StatCounter: Bridging the Porn Divide: sex, feminism, empathy, and the commitment to stop pathologizing the other side.

It’s a long post, and I suggest you read it all before reading my response to it, so you’ll be sure to have the full picture.

(I suggest you not read the comments on his post, unless you aren’t quite as harrowed by such things as I am; more than a few of them provoked this response from me.)

Anyway.
Read the full post »

This is so perfect I can hardly stand it:

I’m tangling hard with this notion of public persona. That for whatever reason, writing about sex gives some people the idea that you are available sexually to them (this is not new, this is something I’ve noticed a long time ago). But this being commonly understood as a consumable girl is hitting a breaking point for me. Does it mean I can’t flirt-for-real in public spaces without being perceived as buying into a role, without agreeing with that being pegged as The Sex Girl?

I was never that girl. I never played against my own intelligence to make men comfortable around me. I come on strong by being open, not teasing. I don’t look for strength in men’s eyes that way. As temporarily delightful as cocktail conversation may be — until our cabs come — I get my real and lasting courage from my own vulnerability. I can only trust my sense of worth to be safe with those unafraid to love me, not someone who finds me amusing five minutes at a time.

It kind of gives me déjà vu because it’s everything I’ve been thinking but, as usual, Melissa puts it into words so much better than I could hope to. (That sounds kind of assholish, doesn’t it? Argh…)

On Twitter I said: “This is what I would’ve talked about at BlogHer ATL” and “I’ll mention this at @blogorlando, too; I won’t have a prepared presentation but it’ll be a ‘talking point.’ We’ll see where *that* goes.”

I HATE it. I hate this stupid, asinine, absurd, insipid idea that if a woman writes about sex then she is The Sex Girl (as Melissa puts it). This pigeon-holing, it’s… well, there just aren’t enough adjectives for “ridiculous” to convey it!

I was never That Girl either - I wouldn’t even know how to be - and this is why, for instance, it makes me absolutely livid to see sex-positivity so COMPLETELY misrepresented by people who obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE what they are talking about. I’m staying out of blog wars with “radfems” for good - it’s just a waste of time - but occasionally I see them quoted on Ren’s blog or Caroline’s blog, prattling on about how “sex-pozzies” (yes, they really say that; can you believe it?) are all about pleasing men and the men love us because we do what they want and blah blah blah and I’m like, okay, this is the part where it is GLARINGLY obvious that you have absolutely NO GRASP of my life, my experience, my reality, and holy hell could your head possibly be FURTHER up your ass? I mean it’s kind of funny in a way, but it still just infuriates me. I cannot even convey to you how totally absurd it is.

Oh, and as for people assuming that because you write about sex, you obviously want to have sex WITH THEM - well, that’s nothing new, either. It’s as old as the hills and it, too, is a jaw-droppingly ridiculous depth of stupidity.

And, too, let’s revisit this.

Renee is right on with this:

I am sure that for most women this is an experience that we all communally share. The silencing can come in many forms, direct interruption, or criticism of our tone. How many times has a powerful woman been told that her voice has a nagging or whining quality to it? This reduces us to our biology and renders our opinions irrelevant.

Many women have become jaded and simply accepted this silencing without further thought. This is a mistake. When we allow men to control the conversation we are granting them power to control our social discourse. If men can always decide what is and isn’t relevant conversation our issues will never be significantly addressed.

Fear of being disciplined is not an excuse to become subservient. It takes courage to speak truth to power, but when we consider what is at stake, it is an act of gender annihilation to remain silent. Men will not engage about the harms of domestic violence, rape, pay inequity, childcare, femicide, and sexual harassment; these are womens issues. Even when we are speaking about benign subjects their interruption is a co option of our space and an expression of male privilege. It has far reaching implications because it infers (sic) that womens needs and concerns are secondary to their thought processes. The man that does not value your mind, views you as a fuckable object, or a mother replacement.

The next time you are interrupted look at the man who had the temerity to think that his words somehow were more important than yours and let him know that you were speaking. What you have to say matters and no amount of chest thumping testosterone should ever make you feel small.

From Octogalore:

So I get more interested in the feminist take-away, for a couple of reasons. First, it’s less covered. There are the self-serving Repub views on it, but very few leftists making the nuanced point that you can disagree with her choice and related views and not support them BUT simultaneously support her right to be discussed in the ways a similarly situated man would be discussed.

Something I find interesting and disturbing is how freely people of my generation give out their social security numbers. (I do it myself all the time!) Think about it, how often when you call customer service for somewhere like a bank, or a cable company, or any other place where you have an account do they ask to “verify your social security number?” Some people even use it as their driver’s license number. When I was in grad school, I remember our awesome CS professor, Dr. Dan, telling us that an important rule of designing good web apps was that under no circumstances should a person’s social security number be used as a username, password, or any other type of identity verification. This is what leads to the ease of identity theft, and anyway, social security numbers were never meant to be personal identification numbers, although that’s basically what they’ve come to be. (And I can understand the rationale - it’s easy, everyone has a unique SSN, it’s assigned by the Federal government, so why not use it as an ID?)

One thing that really struck me and made me realize that this cavalier attitude toward SSNs is a phenomenon among younger people was back in December/January, when I was dealing with all that AT&T bullshit for my grandmother. (Not sure if I ever wrote about it here; I think I Twittered about it, at least; but mad props to Darcey’s boyfriend for finally getting that shit sorted out, as it took absurdity to new depths of cartoonishness.) When I would call AT&T they would constantly be asking for her social security number. It didn’t matter that I gave them her name, address, account numbers, phone number, explained that I was her granddaughter and she’s in her 80s and doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with this fucking bullshit which even I could barely make heads nor tails of… no, they wanted that magic, golden social security number! So I called Gran and asked her if she’d give it to me. She refused. She even refused to give me just the last four digits. She said she’d never associated her SSN w/ her account anyway, because it’s not something she gives out.

I found that to be really interesting and important to think about, how protective she is of it, not even revealing it to me, her granddaughter, whom she pretty much thinks can do no wrong. Also, on a somewhat related note, she had been getting phone calls from people trying to scam her out of her MasterCard number, saying they were from magazine companies and such; she saw right through it. I think sometimes we don’t give older folks enough credit - we assume they’re stupid or naïve in matters like this. But in many ways they can be more responsible than people our age!

What do y’all think about the social security number thing? (And of course, if you don’t live in the US, I’m sure you DGAS!)

Just a couple other things, then I should get ready for bed. When I think about all the day-to-day, deeply entrenched, utterly unquestioned sexism in our society,* I get really sad. It’s another reason I just can’t participate in all the drama of various blogs, and certainly not in most political events of any sort. (Sex, Wine and Chocolate being an exception… gotta buy my tickets for this year, and you should too!) When I hear people being so dismissive about sexism, using oppressed people as punchlines for their unfunny jokes, refusing to listen to someone else’s lived experience, immediately dismissing anything associated w/ the name “feminism,” and just generally being jackasses, sure, on one level it makes me angry; but mostly it makes me profoundly sad. And I don’t know what to do with that. I have a history of internalizing my anger and sadness in self-destructive ways, so I have to resist my old patterns; and yet still I’m left wondering, mouth agape and arms wide open, what do I do with… this massive, overwhelming THIS?

Here are two posts from my archives as examples of what makes me feel so sad and dragged down:

• September 22, 2006: Cruel and Unusual
• November 17, 2006: More hell yes

On some level I have that doe-eyed idealistic hippie thing going on: I want to make the world a better place. I truly do. I want the world to be a place where people respect each other, listen to each other, and learn and grow from that listening. But too often people are just shouting over each other trying to see who will be the loudest, with the same voices always “winning.”

Lastly, I’ve been unhappy with the way a lot of people have reacted to my news of my BlogHer Atlanta panel. It’s really bizarre, actually: when I first announced it, immediately the responses came in of why people can’t go. The justifications, almost being too quick to say they can’t come and here are all the reasons why. Not a simple “congratulations” or “that sounds cool” or “I’m happy for you”; no, it was all, “I can’t come.” To me this defies basic decency and common sense. That is not how you act to a friend. More on this later though, I’m too tired to write anymore of it for now… I’m all drained after writing about the sexism stuff.

* I’m sick of using the phrase “in our society” - but I can’t think of a better one. Ideas?

So, real quick, regarding my post from last night - the part where I talked about being frustrated w/ a lot of the “privilege” talk and how it’s come to be used as a barb to throw at someone - today I came upon some posts by Renee at Womanist Musings that deal w/ privilege, and while I don’t agree entirely w/ all her points in these posts, I think her points about privilege are right on and do a good job of describing what it IS and what it ISN’T. </stupidly_long_sentence> Hence:

Not exploiting or oppressing is what each person should actively be engaged in, and to think that abstaining from using your available power for personal gain is worthy of special recognition is once again an exercise of privilege. A man that does the dishes does not deserve praise because he is a man doing the dishes. A person that eliminates racial slurs from their daily vocabulary does not deserve praise for recognizing that this language is hurtful.

Honouring each person despite the “isms” attached to their body is part of human responsibility, and part of owning personal privilege. To say that I deserve a reward or recognition is akin to belittling the people on whose behalf you labour. It keeps hierarchy in the relationship in that you are positioning yourself as good because you have lowered yourself to help and this undoes any progress that your personal labours have made.

(from Allies, Privileges and Pats On The Back)

It is not acceptable to say, I am not racist, sexist, homophobic etc and therefore any accusation of privilege is misplaced. These privileges are encoded to the body before birth simply because of the society we are all born into. We do not live outside of socialization we are the product of it.

To become defensive and immediately stammer, oh no not me, is a clear indicator of denial. It is this very state of denial that allows privilege to maintain its insidious grip on society. One cannot actively fight against interlocking isms while continuing to deny the effect that they personally have on you. How are you to convince anyone that inequality is systemic, if you as an individual continue to benefit without acknowledgement? It is dishonest and begins ally work from a false groundwork. It’s like saying I’m not racist because my best friend as a kid was black. People see that kind of commentary for exactly what it is.

(from Shall We Talk About Privilege)

As for not wanting to advance in the corporate world; what must be factored in is that women manage the majority of domestic duties, childcare and elder care, exactly how do you expect them to compete in professions that demand 100% commitment. It is not like the male run government has socialized daycare, or organized communal kitchens, or a form of exchange for housekeeping. The doting husbands that we are all supposed to worship are still not doing 50%, and men wonder why it is that women have difficulty managing career and family. Here is a tip, there are 24 hours in a day and no matter how amazing your wife or partner is, eventually she has to sleep. Apparently God rested on the seventh day so get off our collective backs, and do some damn laundry.

(from Ssssh Male Privilege Is Meant To Be A Secret)

I am the first to admit that social construction is damaging to both sexes but I must question why it is necessary to continually make this an issue on women’s blogs? There are so many aspects of sexism that go unchallenged in our society because we have normalized the marginalization of women. Feminists have had to fight, and claw to get the smallest of validation for the difficulties of living life as a woman in this phalocentric world, and yet even in these small spaces, men have managed to continually interject themselves into the debate.

(from Men In Womens Spaces, Dear God What About The Men?)

I have several posts on particular topics saved as drafts, but since I’ll probably never actually write them all, I decided I’ll just do one post addressing all or most of them. Besides, reading my archives (which I’ve been doing periodically over the past week or so, as I slowly go through and tag the old pre-WP entries and update old URLs) made me remember that that’s how I used to write my blog all the time, that’s what comes naturally to me, and that’s why and how I started blogging in the first place. So, back to basics!
Read the full post »

Hey, guess what? I’m hosting a panel at BlogHer Atlanta! Here’s the description:

The “Naked” Blogging Double Standard
At just about every BlogHer event we end up discussing the ramifications of “naked” blogging; that is, blogging your true self. Blogging’s low barrier to entry has provided a platform for everyone, and particularly women, to tell our own stories, to create a more diverse cultural record than has been historically typical, and to own our experiences and how transparently we choose to share those experiences. Every blogger draws their boundaries differently. In a survey BlogHer conducted a couple of years ago bloggers indicated that it was more taboo to discuss finances on their blog than sex! But, let’s get real: Really? We’re not sure we’re buying it. Is anyone else out there blown away by how much conflict the issues of gender, sex and sexuality (and society’s expectations of how women “should” behave) still stir up… and by how much judgment is still thrown at women who ignore the admonishment that “nice girls don’t?”

Every year at BlogHer the debate rages: Can we talk about shoes and still be taken seriously? Well, let’s take it a step further: Can women talk openly about sex and still be taken seriously? And is it different for men? Women certainly don’t agree on the answer, so you can be sure the answer is even more unclear in segments of society, industry and the blogosphere that are more male-dominated. How do we challenge that status quo - and support women in their choices, even when they might not be our choices? Join Amber Rhea, one of the women leading the charge for change, in a frank discussion designed to expose the naked blogging double standard and challenge our preconceived notions of what it means to be taken seriously.

Many thanks to super-cool Elisa for giving me this opportunity. (Gee, do I sound like I’m accepting any Emmy or something?) I hope you folks reading this will come and help make it an interesting panel. (I resisted the urge to say, sarcastically, “join the conversation.”) You can register for BlogHer Atlanta here. And here’s the run-down of what the BlogHer Reach Out Tour is all about, if you’re too lazy to click through:

BlogHer’s Reach Out Tour:
Register now for BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08!

When?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Where?
Georgia Tech Hotel & Conference Center
800 Spring St NW
Atlanta, Georgia 30308
404.347.9440

What is BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08 About?
For the first time ever, BlogHer is launching a two-week tour, bringing highlights from the annual event to six different cities. Each of these one-day conferences will feature a broad range of topics and speakers, a cocktail reception for networking and socializing, and a little bit of local flavor. We’ll be focusing on topics that seem to resonate strongest in each city, and looking for your local bloggers to lead the discussions.

BlogHer ATLANTA is the fifth stop on the six-city Reach Out Tour, and we’re looking forward to spending time with the many and varied “Hotlanta” bloggers. Details about the agenda, speakers, and sponsors coming soon. In the meantime, please sign up to receive the BlogHer Conference Newsletter and get announcements as they happen. Or sign up to receive our Conference RSS feed.

Who Should Attend?
BlogHer is open to anyone and everyone who considers themselves part of the blogosphere, and is particularly focused on highlighting the skills and talents of women who blog. All ages, ethnicities, genders, and levels of blogging experience are encouraged to attend.

Additional Info:

• Every stop on the tour will feature a track specifically designed for new and beginning bloggers.
• The cocktail reception will take place on-site at the hotel.
• If you’re thinking about bringing your partner, spouse, or kids — great! If your partner is not interested in attending the programming with you but would like to join us for the cocktail parties, that ticketing option is available.

Fees:
BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08 costs $100 for the full day, and this includes admission to the cocktail reception.

BlogHer will be staying on-site at the Georgia Tech Hotel and Conference center. If you’re interested in staying there as well, please call (800) 838-2060. Please note: We do not have a BlogHer group rate available at this venue.

Note: You will not be required to enter any billing information before you’ve had an opportunity to review and select from the various registration options; however, BlogHer cannot issue refunds.

About BlogHer:
BlogHer has developed one of the most influential communities by, for, about and of women who blog. BlogHer’s mission is to create opportunities for women bloggers to pursue education, exposure, community and economic empowerment through our online platforms and conferences.

More to come… must get back to work now.

Re: this Feministe post (which a friend emailed me, because as I mentioned, I’ve been taking a break from reading most blogs)…

I must rant as if no one is looking, briefly.

I’m fed up w/ this bullshit. FED UP. I am just sick of all this groupthink/lockstep mentality going on. And I’m sorry but I’ve always thought that the people who think socialism is so awesome are privileged in their OWN way (as much as I’m sick of the word “privilege” being thrown around so much, too…) because it’s like, you know what, I know what it’s like to NOT have money, and I know it’s not romantic or revolutionary or transgressive - it SUCKS. So for me, having money is empowering not to mention “empaychecking.” Not everybody has the luxury to worry about what the best economic system is when they have to put food on the table, ever think of that? Plus the same old thing I keep coming back to… WHY is having money BAD?? It’s what you do with that money that counts, and yeah, feeding your family is pretty damn awesome. If you also have enough money to help others outside your family? GREAT!! But serious change takes economic leverage, and if we constantly vilify anybody who has a certain amount of money, we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot.

I’m fucking sick of it.

So there yo go. Cast me out, if you will. *shrug*

I know I should be glad men are writing about sexism in tech (and I am) but stuff like this always kinds of annoys me too. The person who marked it for me in del.cio.us (btw, I can’t remember who this person actually is; their del.icio.us handle isn’t one they use elsewhere, apparently!) said this:

Hmm. Good article, but I find myself not wanting to link to Yet Another Man Discovering the Issue (sigh). Still, the code-of-conduct proposed seems pretty good, and at least he links out to women in his post.

It is a good post, and I’m not annoyed at the post itself (because as I’ve said before, it’s vitally important for men to talk to other men about sexism), but rather the culture around such posts, I guess is what you would call it. It’s like, it’s only taken seriously when a man writes about it; when a woman does, we’re just whiny bitches. Which is the whole point, but irony is lost.

So a few days ago Grayson was kicked off the front page of Peach Pundit. I don’t read Peach Pundit, because I find the place toxic and can’t bear to be there for even a few seconds without feeling ill (and no, I’m not exaggerating), so I wouldn’t have known if someone else hadn’t told me. Frankly I don’t understand why so many people seem to bow to Peach Pundit even though it’s blatantly obvious that the place is not trying to be some comprehensive resource for Georgia politics, and exists only as a place for the nastiest version of the old boys club, moved online, to jerk themselves off and feel better about themselves by hurling around schoolyard insults. Problem being, of course, that when you’re in a position of power and privilege relative to those who are on the receiving end of the hurling, it’s not something that can be written off with “just ignore it” or “they’re just idiots.” I mean, they are idiots, but they’re idiots whose words and actions can have real-world effects. This is why the “just ignore it” trope never worked for me. (Well, this and other, related reasons.) Not everyone has the luxury of “just ignoring it” - because if you do, something terrible and very real might happen.

That said, I do my best to “ignore it” by simply not visiting Peach Pundit. I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment without adding that heaping mound of BS. There isn’t room in my brain to deal with the drama of a bunch of disaffected white guys who totally aren’t sexist, so why don’t you shut up about it already… geez why are you so oversensitive, you humorless bitch? Also, you’re ugly, and probably a lesbian (because that would be the worst thing!), and I would never fuck you (such a loss!), etc. etc.

This is my lived experience. This is the lived experience of countless other women. No, you do not get to question it or invalidate it. THIS IS MY TRUTH. IT IS REAL.

So anyway, I didn’t know about Grayson being kicked off until Rusty told me about it. I thought, “Huh, that’s fucked up” but didn’t think more because like I said, there’s just not room in my brain right now for the PP bullshit - I have more important things I need to think about. I never understood why Grayson wrote there in the first place; the few times I would go over to PP (before I imposed a self-ban for the sake of my mental health) I would see her getting attacked and abused constantly, and no one did a damn thing about it. As for why she continued to write there, the only thing I could think was it was like Melissa’s reason for persevering at Valleywag (a place I find comparably hostile, if not as openly Republican):

My tactic has been to go ahead and take my stories where they dare not go, breaking with this whole “pink ghetto” nonsense as a game — I want to see what happens when I refuse to believe that there’s a certain way to be authentic and there’s a certain “right” audience for my work. Being a whore has made me very, very comfortable with letting people think I’m everything they want me to be for them, even as I’m doing (mostly) what I please.

And I really respect that. Coincidentally, Melissa put up that post right around the time I quit Download Squad. Some people can stand up to that sort of abuse, and not let it get them down, and stay focused on what they’re trying to do, and hopefully reach even just 1 person out of 1,000. I can’t. I don’t think that makes me weak or not as good of a writer/blogger/idealist/whatever or not as dedicated… or whatever else people might be prone to say. Those accusations are the easy way out, the way to cast judgment without taking a deeper look at all the layers of a situation.

Going back to Melissa’s quote above, the part I’m not comfortable with is letting people think I’m [x], when really I’m doing my own thing. I have my moments; in certain situations, I can handle that. But overall? I have this need for people to understand, and anything else feels out of whack in my system, and I can’t deal. I know that’s a hindrance to me, because there are some people who just won’t understand, plain and simple, because of their own shit, no matter how much I try to explain and be clear and find the point of communication breakdown. I wish I could get over that, though, because I know it’s pragmatism (which I am a huge fan of); that’s how you get what you need done. I guess for me, getting what I need done has to take other avenues, for now.

As for Grayson’s situation at Peach Pundit, let me be very clear(!) that this has fuck-all to do with the substance of her writing there: was it on topic, was it off topic, was it inflammatory, blah blah blah. I don’t know, because I didn’t read it; and I don’t care. It’s immaterial to my concerns. To try to drag that into the conversation is to divert attention from the larger issue and to move dangerously close to “blame the victim” territory. What I care about is the pattern of behavior. This is how women are treated online. This is the same old shit over and over again, regardless of the particulars of the situation of the moment. This is how male bloggers go around their ass to get to their elbow, anything, my god, to avoid admitting that yeah, there’s a gendered explanation for what they’re doing, and the problem is with them, and it’s not okay.

This exhausts me. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat the same basic shit. And it’s not about my personal feelings for one blogger or another. It’s about a pattern of behavior. I can hardly even bear to type this because it feels so ridiculously repetitive - and it just upsets me. A lot.

Here’s an IM conversation between Rusty and me, from a few days ago. Ideally, I would write a totally well-thought-out, well-written post based on this conversation, complete with links and citations and references; instead, I’m letting it stand alone.

[15:55] Rusty: saw the email re: grayson…on one hand feel sort of bad for piling on, but on the other can’t really help but be a little disappointed that she got pretty viciously personal about it
[15:56] Amber: yeah, but i don’t think it’s really an appropriate time to focus on that. it reminds me of ppl who try to pretend all things are equal when they’re not. it’s like, why focus on that (whcih sucked and was uncalled for, no one is denying that) and not the MOUNTAIN of SHIT they’ve heaped on her?
[15:57] Amber: it’s like, you do one little thing that’s “out of line” when you’re dealing with people shitting all over you, and THAT is what gets focused on/ called out. i’ve seen it a lot ’round my blogosphere travels, and it bothers me.
[15:59] Rusty: thing is, she has been writing tons of irrelevant posts on the site..and yeah, other people write some, but with her it was like more than half her posts were that way…erick has been kind of spineless about reigning that in, hence exposing her to a lot of abuse that could have been avoided
[16:00] Amber: well see, i think that’s erick’s fault
[16:00] Amber: it’s his responsibility, as editor, to tell ppl when they are writing off topic stuff and make sure they don’t continue
[16:00] Rusty: yeah, which is something I mentioned in my blog post
[16:01] Amber: i know, which further shows that the playing field isn’t even. it’s like, why focus on her remark, rather than his lack of holding up his responsibilities, and then just pulling the plug? that was a shitty and unprofessional (and he wants to be “professional” which is why i pull that out) thing to do
[16:04] Rusty: it was still an uncool remark that I can’t let slide without saying something, even all other things considered…how devastating would it be if someone started talking her and her kid? I don’t think that’s acceptable under any circumstance
[16:05] Amber: it’s not acceptable, and i don’t disagree w/ that. but why let all of the other bullshit abuse she’s taken slide, and not this?
[16:05] Rusty: I don’t think I’m letting it slide
[16:06] Amber: it’s been going on for months… so my thing is, when ppl do this, it’s like, ok, yeah, that one thing was shitty, but how about this mountaitn of shit that’s been going on for a long time and is much worse? why did that never warrant a calling-out? why pile on the person being shat on at this particular time?
[16:07] Rusty: well, take the thing with jefferson…lots of people have been letting a lot of shitty behavior slide for a long time and are just now talking about it publicly..you included…that doesn’t invalidate any of it
[16:08] Amber: i see this as a different situation, bc jefferson has a court case going on with real-world implications and is asking for money
[16:09] Amber: i think what pushed a lot of ppl over the edge w/ him is that he’s asking for $20,000
[16:10] Rusty: yeah, certainly that’s greater motivation than in this case…but sometimes it takes a big public display to draw those comments out
[16:11] Amber: i think in the case w/ grayson, it’s pretty lopsided
[16:11] Amber: i’ve just seen this happen far too often in some of the blog circles i frequent, esp. with women… it happened to me at download squad, for example
[16:12] Amber: ppl left some vile, misogynistic comments on my post - personal comments -and nobody said a word. but the minute i did something i maybe shouldn’t have - twittered that the commenters were assholes - everybody was all over my shit
[16:12] Amber: now you tell me that’s fair
[16:16] Rusty: nope, not fair at all…and I’m not at all arguing that grayson has been treated fairly there…she hasn’t…but while erick may be tangentially responsible for some vile things said to her through his editorial negligence, he never personally attacked her…and she brought his parenting into it…I still think that’s beyond the pale even given the history
[16:19] Amber: he never personally attacked her, but he never defended her, either. and in a way that’s worse. at download squad, grant never personally attacked me, but he never stepped in to say anything to the misogynistic commenters, either - and as editor that was his responsibility. and i think that’s worse. it stinks.
[16:21] Rusty: it’s definitely shitty. but again, I’m disappointed that she went there because it makes the job of defending her very difficult. it was a fucked up thing to say
[16:23] Amber: it totally was. and i thnk there’s a way to point that out w/o making it seem slanted like “let’s focus on this one thing she said while people were treating her like garbage”. there’s a way to say that personal attacks are uncalled for, and use that as one example - but point out that the MOUNTAIN of unprovoked, awful comments she endured for months with no defense are a million other examples, and the silence on the matter has been deafening
[16:25] Rusty: I think I tried to acknowledge that in my post
[16:25] Rusty: I think there are problems with Peach Pundit, and that Grayson has taken abuse there that is disproportionate to any wrongs she is alleged to have committed prior to today.
[16:26] Amber: i just don’t think that point has been made - by anyone, me included, and that’s my bad bc i’ve been meaning to write on it, and now this happens - strongly enough
[16:27] Amber: women take this kind of abuse online all the fuckin time and if we dare talk about it we’re told we’re whiners and we can’t take the heat and we need to grow a thick skin… i’m fucking sick to death of it

Erick never personally attacked her. Grant never personally attacked me. Oh great. Do they get a medal?

*sigh* I don’t know what else to say. I need to lie down. Would I handle this better if I weren’t in the middle of dealing w/ grief? Maybe. But if I’m totally honest… probably not. It would still twist itself up in my gut, sitting there and eating at me and making me feel awful.

I’m putting this up without proofreading. Just, there. Now, I’ll go rest for a while before we go to Home Depot to get something to hang the bird feeder on, so the squirrels won’t steal seed from the bird friends that visit our balcony. Like this one, from Flickr user stewickie:

I figured it would be good to end on a happy note, with a photo of a bird!