Being Amber Rhea

Inspired by this post, I decided that I wanted to try writing for a larger audience. Eek! I’ve always felt very stressed out writing under any kind of pressure, even self-imposed pressure, but I want to challenge myself and see what happens. So last night I did a bunch of free-writing/brain-dumping. The result of that exercise has now graduated to rough draft numero uno, which means I had to cut a bunch of stuff so I could stick w/ a central theme. Here’s all the stuff I took out - I think it’s all important stuff and highly relevant, but I just couldn’t make it “fit.” Solution? Blog it!

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You often hear feminists saying that just using “choice” as an excuse or justification or way of avoiding dealing w/ complex issues is BS. And it is. They will often say, “The context in which that choice is made matters.” And it does!! So why does that concept fly out the window when the issue is sex, and in particular sex that squicks some people out?

Look, if you’ve got a woman telling you, “This is what I like, I’ve examined it and yes this is really what I want to do, and doing it makes me happy, and trying to force myself NOT to do it made me feel awful, and will people just get off my back about it already?” - what the fuck is so hard to understand about that?? A core tenet of feminism is the importance of listening to women, providing women with space to speak the truths of their lives, to speak honestly and openly without the restraints put in place by a society that tries to dictate what is acceptable and what is not. We often say when it comes to issues of rape: “Listen to the woman. Take her at her word. Believe her.” We often say when it comes to issues of abortion: “Trust women. They are capable of making their own decisions.”

Why do these sentiments not apply when a woman says she likes a certain kind of sex?

Recent editions of Our Bodies, Ourselves have removed some of the sex fantasies that were in the original 1972 version, because they were deemed too controversial or uncomfortable. Wait a minute. Wasn’t the point that women need space to talk about these things openly, even if (especially if!) they are “controversial” or “out of the norm” or make other people squirm a little?

Do you think I haven’t been told that, as a woman, actively wanting and pursuing sex, enjoying it for its own sake and not as a way to “get” something or as a reward, not necessarily tying it up with love or a relationship, etc., is bad and that there’s something wrong with me? You think the social script of sluts vs. good girls doesn’t play on an endless loop in the back of my mind, even now? You think I haven’t been hearing this shit since before I was old enough to really understand what “sexuality” even meant?

You think that’s not patriarchy??

The patriarchy is SEX-NEGATIVE. I am personally not a fan of the term “The Patriarchy” (capital P!) but I often refer to the sex-negative society in which we live. Guess what, folks? Same thing, different name.

I am tired of my arguments being reduced to black-and-white, simplistic, non-nuanced cartoons of themselves. And the funny thing is, often the people who are doing this reducing are, nearly in the same breath, complaining about arguments about sex being so black-and-white and over-simplified! It would be laughable if it weren’t so crazy-making. Uh, well maybe part of that is that you’re the one simplifying things. You are not hearing what people are saying. There’s a filter in place, filtering out the nuance.

Don’t tell me it’s not worth pushing back against the status quo. To do anything else feels like death to me, and yeah that might sound melodramatic, but I don’t know how else to convey it.

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Other responses to the Feministe thread:

• Bookworm: Feminist-positive sex: some initial thoughts
• let them eat pro-sm feminist safe spaces: Getting off on power exchange is BadWrong, let me tell you it.
• Letters from Gehenna: Examining Desire
• Renegade Evolution: You know, I think the feminist thing to do would be to stop telling people how to fuck…. and Patient Zero, it’s time for your Examination…
• season of the bitch: Female Desire Week (plus): Sex and Art

Just now, I happened upon yet another self-identified feminist blogger ranting about how pole dancing isn’t feminist, and she has “criticisms” of it, and being generally dismissive of it.

Well, if you’re listening…

FUCK OFF. You and your “criticisms” are not welcome here, that’s for sure!

You know what pole dancing has done for ME?

I’m stronger - yes, physically stronger - than I’ve ever been in my life. I no longer feel like the weakling that anyone can take advantage of. My arms, legs, and abs are toned, and my entire body feels STRONG. Along with that, I feel emotionally and mentally strong, and I feel confident in a way I never did before. (All these things are tied together; I can’t separate them out into individual bits.)

Guess what? It’s no frilly tee-hee sparklepony game to climb a 14-foot pole, hang backwards from it holding on with just your thighs, go upside down and hold on with one leg… need I go on?

/rant off. Back to happy! :D

In various places ’round the feminist blogosphere, I have been deemed part of the (here comes your favorite word, Jenny) Sparklepony Brigade. We’ll put aside for now the fact that I can’t believe anybody is actually using that word seriously, and move along to the other reason this is particularly hilarious.

I just have to laugh, a somewhat bitter “are you fucking kidding me?” laugh at this designation. Me? Presumed to be “adhering to conventional beauty standards” (*guffaw*) and “supporting the status quo?”

If there was every any doubt that these people don’t know who I am, it has now been eliminated.

The bitter part comes from that fact that throughout middle school and about half of high school, I was the ugly girl. Looking back, I wasn’t actually ugly; but they (yes, they) had me pegged that way, and it stuck, and that was that. I was the ugly girl who dressed weird and had unruly hair and listened to weird music and couldn’t afford name brand clothing and didn’t want it anyway. They called me “freak.” When I had the audacity to actually ask out a boy, he responded by pretending to vomit; there was much approving laughter from on-lookers.

And now, people on the internet are saying I’m upholding the status quo and perpetuating beauty rituals for women! Ye gods!!

I don’t wear make-up. I have short hair because I can’t be bothered to deal with anything else (well, and because I like the way it looks on me). I shave my legs once in a while, if the stubble starts to itch. I rarely wear skirts. I don’t like a lot of pink or other “girly” stuff. Sometimes [stupid] people assume I’m a lesbian.

And it’s even funnier when you start listing out the other people who are part of this horrifying Sparklepony Army… Belledame, Kactus, Antiprincess, Trinity, Ren… seriously, we’re the ones enforcing the status quo? With what magical powers?

People say that Ren, arguably, does fit the conventional media-perpetuated beauty standard, but I don’t think she does, actually. But I guess because she admits to waxing and wearing make-up (hello, it’s part of her job), that’s enough to make her Public Enemy #1.

That is all for now. I have to go put on a skirt (yes, it’s one of those rare occasions) and get ready to go to the Flesh and Fetish Swingers Ball with Rusty.

Cross-posted from a comment I left at Ren’s blog. The blockquoted part is some very-pleased-with-herself LiveJournaler talking about me, in reference to something I said after breaking my own rule and commenting on the latest Feministe porn thread/debacle.

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Oh, and didn’t you love that one interjection by the girl who just CAN’T IMAGINE why anyone would think that ATM is a bit off color?

Okay dumbfucks, it’s on.

I would love for somebody show to me where I said I can’t imagine why anyone would think ATM is a bit off color. (Although, the phrase “off color” sounds a little too “this offends the delicate sensibilities of the high society ladies” for me.) I do not appreciate having words put in my mouth. (You can form your own pun or metaphor here.)

What I said was, could we PLEASE stop with the judging of other people’s sexual activities, if those activities are among consenting adults. WHY IS THIS A DIFFICULT CONCEPT? Why is this controversial? You know what, nobody has to like ATM, I really don’t care, to be quite honest. What I do care about is when people start with that same old drivel about, “Oh, how could anyone like THAT, that is just so DISGUSTING, if you like that there must be something wrong with you!!” And with ATM in particular, people have a goddamn conniption fit about “OMG POOOOOO!!!11!!1″ In which case, I think calming the fuck down and getting a little education about the way the body’s plumbing actually works (assuming one does not have a medical condition that would make things different) would be a good idea. We don’t have much in the way of sex ed in this country, nor much in the way of education about our own bodies; and all of that goes double when it’s something (gasp!) “off color.”

I’m sorry, but I got over poop jokes when I was about 13. Not sure about the rest of y’all.

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*simmers*

I will have more to say on this topic later.

Why do I laugh in that not-so-funny kind of way whenever I see anti-prostitution/anti-porn crusaders supporting yet another law, program, or “vice crack-down” tactic purported to end the great societal evil that is the sex industry? Well, here’s one example of why, from Deborah Jeane Palfrey (also known as the D.C. Madam):

These cops — the vice cops, you know, the lowest on the food chain at the police department — they love to go after defenseless women. You know, it’s, it’s… It is something that I want to explore when this is all over — when my actual civil/criminal case is all over. I am even talking to some folks right now about putting together a documentary on what the police have done, do, and will continue to do to defenseless women in this country involved in the sex industry.

The very first person who emailed me when this all broke was a woman. And the subject header was: “My mother is an ex-madam.” She went on to explain who she was, and the terror that she, her mother, and her family experienced at the hands of the police. This particular email was followed up by many many others, all having their own little monikers. Some were very well-known madams who have stories to tell that will make your blood curdle.

And that’s why it gets ten times not funnier when it’s self-identified feminists signing on to support anti-prostitution legislation. What’s a little hypocrisy, in the grand scheme of things? We can overlook misogyny for the good of The Cause (as long as it only affects those women).

Oh, but I forgot, sex workers are Teh Patriarchy™’s darlings. Riiiiiight.

On a somewhat related note, write to Admin.ceos@usdoj.gov by Sept. 10th to oppose the proposed changes to Section 2257. Include in the subject line: Docket No.Crm104. The changes wouldn’t stop child porn, but they would put legal porn performers at risk for harassment and abuse (of which they already experience more than there fair share, from the public at large).

Cassandra wins for this comment on Ren’s blog:

And the idea that feminists as a group should base their idea of what constitutes “proper” and “acceptable” sex on what men think…well, that’s ludicrous. What kind of revolutionary movement does that? It’s as if a bunch of Marxists were saying that we shouldn’t form a union because the boss would think we were bad people. Why do we even care?

The concept is (or should be) rather obvious; and she’s not the first to say it. But that analogy? Love it. I think it really drives the point home better than anything I’ve seen prior.

For the longest time (am I the only one singing along to Billy Joel in my head now?), the term “pro-porn” really rankled me. And I mean up until about two days ago. As a matter of fact, on a certain level it still rankles me, because, like Trinity, I see it as a nasty, reactionary label slapped onto those of us who don’t toe the anti-porn hardline, by certain smug internet denizens who do.

But when I saw Ren had started this blog, I decided, “Fuck it. It’s time to take the label that was used to hurt and dismiss, and make it our own.”

Because, really, I am pro-porn - but, again, as Trinity has shown, one of the problems with that term is that it can mean so many different things, and if the people having a conversation are all operating from different definitions, there can be some pretty big misunderstandings. So, when I say I’m pro-porn, here’s exactly what I mean…

I think the free, open, uninhibited, joyful expression of sexuality, in whatever form makes people happy and gets them off, is a good thing. What you like might not be what I like and none of it may be what that person over there likes; but that’s beside the point. We all should feel the freedom from shame (or more severe, tangible punishment) to express whatever it is that gets us off. We should not feel that we have to “rein in” our sexuality because it makes someone uncomfortable, or because it’s seen as dirty, or sinful, or silly, or unimportant, or offensive, or whatever else. As women, we get all of this and more from the society around us, every day. And frankly I am sick of it. I am a highly sexual woman, and I am NOT going to apologize for it, or “tone it down,” or anything else. I am going to be ME.

So where does porn fit into all that? Well, I truly believe that porn can be an expression of these things for women. Note the word can. I shouldn’t even have to say it, but obviously this does not mean all porn is awesome. Most porn, in my opinion, isn’t awesome; but that doesn’t mean we throw the baby out with the bathwater. To go back to my music analogy, if I were to say I’m “pro-music,” I seriously doubt many people would immediately jump to “So, you support all the drug and alcohol abuse in the music industry?? So, you want to run independent artists out of business??”

And, too, there’s the very basic, fundamental concept that many people have already mentioned: consenting adults should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. None of us get to be the morality police for other adults.

I’m pro-porn as part and parcel of being sex-positive. And I’m sex-positive because, well, I just can’t imagine being any other way. It just feels right. This society is sex-negative, no two ways about it. And what’s bizarre is that sex is either dirty, nasty, base, shallow, frivolous, scorn-worthy; or it’s sacred, holy, extraordinary, on a pedestal above the rest of the world.

Neither of those are right. And it saddens me that those are our options (and astounds me at how often the two polar opposites are conflated). So how could I not be sex-positive?

[Cross-posted at Pro-Porn Activism]

Promoted from comments… I shall quote myself.
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I am so sick of the “use your brains, not your body!” bullshit. Ya know… telling women to be ashamed of our bodies, and that only sluts ‘give it away’ or whatever the hell else, and if you aren’t ashamed of your body then obviously you have self-esteem issues… NO. JUST STOP. Because THAT is patriarchy too. Huge, ugly, nasty, PERVASIVE patriarchy.

I do not need to get angry on a nice Friday morning before a fun-filled 3-day weekend. I really don’t. But goddamn if the blogosphere isn’t making it very difficult for me.

Here’s a thought. If you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, how’s about sticking a cork in the verbal diarrhea.

Aside from the general assiness of that Pandagon post - featuring the usual short-sighted, recycled “but but it’s oppressive ’cause of the patriarchy and that’s the ONLY possible way to construe it because Teh Menz rule everything and yeah it sucks but we can never subvert and bless your heart…!!1!1″ - one might think that the irony of the post being written by a man might not be lost on said writer. However, apparently one would be wrong.

Note to potential obnoxious commenters: if you want to come around here and have that same old argument about, “but but but… it IS oppressive!” - well, instead of wasting your time and mine, please fuck right off.

Happier blog post coming later. There is much to be happy about!

ETA: Oh gawd. JackGoff linked to me in the comments on that post. Argh… Well, thanks, Jack, for trying to show a different perspective to that myopic lot. Seriously. But now, I’m going to end up having to read that entire comment thread, aren’t I? The stoop1d, it burrrrrnnnnsss… (and add a pinch or two of male privilege, for extra seasoning).

Good quote by Naomi Wolf:

I am sick of the opposition trying to make me choose between being sexual and serious; and I am sick of being split the same way by victim feminism. I want to be a serious thinker and not have to hide the fact that I have breasts; I want female sexuality to accompany, rather than undermine, female political power.

(I don’t particularly care for the term “victim feminism,” but, you know, leave the slightly distasteful and take the rest. Besides, I understand why she would use that term.)

In more recent times, in this here blogosphere, there has been some pretty serious bashing of certain feminists by certain other feminists. Oh let’s see, where to start with some of the name-calling…

• Sexbot
• Fuckbot
• ‘Hawt’ feminists
• Bi sexee
• Pornsick
• Sparkle-pony (I still don’t know what that’s supposed to mean)
• Some really porny-sounding stuff about “you only care about your moist pussies” and such.
• …and so on and so forth, especially with general femme-bashing.

On feminist blogs! I know! Give me a break. You’d think you were reading Daily Mail if you didn’t know better.

And so, understandably, there has been some backlash among bloggers who are fucking fed up with being reduced to stereotypes (’cause we don’t get enough of that from mainstream culture as it is, apparently). None of these women should be put in a position of having to defend their personal choices to other feminists. And I don’t see their posts as a defense, but rather as a hearty “fuck you.” They decided to clear a few things up, on the off chance any of the assholes who tarred them with the Stereotype Brush might actually allow a few words to travel through their proverbial ears into their brains.

I don’t like the false dichotomy that seems to be reinforced from both mainstream culture and, puzzlingly, some types of feminism. I can’t remember where I read it, but I remember someone describing the problem as, “You can either be Hillary Clinton or Paris Hilton.” That’s it. No in between. No room for reality. Just two stereotypes. (Because obviously we’re not talking about Hillary Clinton and Paris Hilton, the actual people, but the popular caricatures of what it means to be ‘Hillary Clinton’ or ‘Paris Hilton.’)

I continue to be baffled at how and why the smart/sexy thing is such a goddamn insurmountable concept for some people. I know it’s entrenched in the culture. But FFS, if a person has ever had an original thought, then it really shouldn’t be too hard to make that leap of faith.

But back to Ren and Andrea, and their blog responses to certain people. This is awesome and I (obviously) fully support it. I wanted to add my own perspective/experience as well.

I’m not “girly” by many people’s standards. With rare exception, I don’t wear make-up other than lipstick, and even that isn’t every day. This isn’t some kind of political statement; it’s because I don’t care and can’t be bothered. Plus, I don’t really know how to properly apply make-up, and I’m not interested learning. I have short hair because I like the way it looks on me, but also because I’m too impatient to spend more than a minute messing with it. I wear a skirt or dress maybe two times a year, in a typical year (not counting stuff I wear to pole dancing class - I’m talking about everyday clothes). I don’t wax or pluck or whatever else I’m supposed to do to various stands of body hair. I shave my legs maybe every two weeks or so - basically whenever the stubble starts to annoy me. I’ve never had a facial - well, not the G-rated kind, anyway. I’ve had only one manicure and pedicure, back when I got married. (Those last two points, I think, also have a lot to do with class - that kind of thing has never been on my radar screen. It’s what rich people do. Or at least that’s how I always perceived it. And I can’t say I was really bothered by that perception, either.)

So what’s the point of this laundry list? Well, making all kinds of assumptions about the physical appearance and predilections of the person behind the keyboard, based on her views on sex work, porn, women’s sexuality, etc. - especially if the assumptions are some of the asinine shit I’ve seen about make-up and mini skirts and whatever the hell else - is just stupid. I’m going to use this word I hate: disingenuous! ‘Cause that’s what it is.

I would expect those kinds of assumptions from troglodytes. Not self-identified feminists. Which is yet more proof that this isn’t really about feminism at all - it’s the same old high school bullshit. Time to grow up, people.
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Somewhat related: Dacia’s post about body image. I meant to tie that into this post somehow, but couldn’t figure out a good way to do it. I need to write about this another time, I guess; about my approach to gender and sexuality, and how it has changed (or not) over the years. File under “Eventually.”

I heart Kim… here is today’s installation of why:

this hatred always fascinated me; this level of anger flung simply because of how we looked. I believed and still do, some of these “normal” folks disliked us for our refusal to look “normal” because it showed we had the guts to traipse outside the prescribed look. I think some were envious that they could not get beyond their own fears of expressing themselves in ways that might bring raised eyebrows from society.

Which brings me to Ren.
Some feminists believe what she does hurts women.
Overly moral self-righteous types just think it’s “wrong,” I guess.

But: could there be a touch of envy there too?
How to say?
When it comes to sex, I think humans go crazy-deep. When things heat up in our minds and genitals, all kinds of things start happening.

You know what I’m talking about: those thoughts or fantasies you’ve had. The one/s you would never act on, probably; the one/s you know are a little beyond the norm; the ones you certainly wouldn’t tell your friends about. (And for the love of God, I’m not talking about pedophilia here.)
Part of you would like to act on them, right?
Kinda?

Ren does all you’ve ever thought about doing and more.
She doesn’t apologize for it and she’s not ashamed of it.
On top of that, she’s a smart and passionate living, breathing person.

You can’t just write her off a some “dumb slut” who is fucking for her crack fix. (No slam towards addicted folks meant - -but how many times have we heard the phrase “crack whore?”) She’s not a woman who was horribly abused by men and who, broken, had no choice but to turn to the sex industry to pay her bills, used to abuse as a way of life.

How do we deal with this intelligent, non-apologetic woman who indulges her sexual fantasies completely — but then who gets cravings for a can of beef stew and watches football with her fiancee.

How dare she get all human-like on our asses with that beef stew shit?

And then, the money quote, the ugly truth - which, of course, is really a “duh” moment (as Kim herself noted). For me and mine, anyway. I guess for a lot of folks though, it’s a goddamn impossible leap of cognitive dissonance.

She refuses to fit into the abused and broken sex worker category nor does she fit the addicted or the truly forced/sex slave slave category.
Therefore, she must go into the remaining category: The Just Overall Horrible/Traitor to Women category.

On a barely-related note, tonight is my graduation from level 3 pole dancing! I can’t believe it’s already here. I’m nervous as hell. I’m supposed to go upside down. I have successfully done so a few times, but I’ve also missed a few times.

I will be wearing my kick-ass boots tonight. Pro: they make climbing and gripping in general a lot easier. (So, if I manage to get my legs up where they need to go with the going-upside-down, I’ll be set.) Con: They add extra weight that I have to get over my head.

There will be photos. Oh, and the song I chose is PJ Harvey’s “Sheela Na Gig.”