Being Amber Rhea

There’s a process I’ve seen played out in the blogosphere (and IRL, but it becomes more pronounced in the blogosphere, in my experience) on feminist blogs, political blogs, POC’s blogs… and, now, interestingly, in the current local dust-up re: “these blogs are a-okay and the rest of ‘em are shit.”

In general, it goes something like this:

1) Someone in a relative position of power writes or does something.
2) People being written/spoken about (in a direct or tangential way) take offense at a shortcoming in what was written or said, and point it out.
3) Legitimate criticism silenced by third parties coming in and saying, for whatever mysterious reason, “You’re just jealous.”
3a) People who see a sort of middle-ground (or just plain different) perspective also silenced - and often demonized as part of the “you’re just jealous” crowd.
4) Original speaker/writer, or someone on their behalf, does not address legitimate complaint and instead says, “You’re being unfair.” Focus is put on intent, not impact.
5) Outside observers, typically identifying w/ the person/people in a relative position of power, off-handedly remark about how “amusing” the whole thing is, thereby further trivializing the legitimate criticisms.

It boils down to a problem of not listening. And those of us who have been not listened to time after time are all too familiar with this pattern, and it has gotten really, really old.

The timing of the CL thing is particularly interesting given that the FFF thing hasn’t yet completely blown over.

In the case of FFF, I am in the ‘3a’ position. That is, as I’ve said before: I agree that there are some problems w/ the book. I do not think the problems w/ the book are major, debilitating flaws, especially because no book can be all things to all people. And Valenti strikes me as someone who is willing to engage and listen. I also agree that WOC have legitimate grievances w/ the larger feminist and political blogosphere, but I feel like the fallout of many past incidents got unfairly aimed at Valenti. Therefore, it really irritated me to be categorized as someone who was dismissively saying “You’re just jealous” to WOC, when that is not what I was doing at all. My legitimate criticisms, both of the book and of the behavior of others in the blogosphere, were drowned out by people unwilling to listen.

In the case of the CL story, I am in the ‘2′ position. I have already repeated myself more times than I can count in various places throughout the local blogosphere; that is, my complaint w/ the story is not based on who was and was not included. I’ve said repeatedly, the five bloggers profiled were excellent choices who deserve this recognition and much more. My complaint rests solely w/ the divisive, snobbish language that casts the Atlanta blogosphere in general as worthless, making no attempt to acknowledge the vibrant community that is thriving here.

Now, perhaps it was unfair of me, Rusty, and Grayson to lump the CL story and the SMC event together (as I did a few posts down, in my round-up). It could be seen as analogous to bloggers taking out other, past offenses on Valenti’s book. I can see that argument. However, I do think that this case is a bit different, because there isn’t one individual who is receiving the entire brunt of the accumulated anger. I also think it is fair, and necessary, to speak of the two events not as isolated, random incidents; because, they are both representative of a larger problem. (Not that I’m equating this whole thing w/ racism, but it does remind me of the meme where anti-racists have to point out to privileged folks who refuse to acknowledge their privilege that racism is not individual acts of meanness, but a larger, systemic issue.)

As always, I can speak for no one but myself, and take responsibility for no one’s words or actions but my own. I feel that I’ve made my position abundantly clear. People can choose to listen and engage, or not. I think Grayson’s position is somewhat more complicated than mine, given that she has a hell of lot more experience and history w/ the local media community than I do. Again, people can choose to listen and engage with her or not. I may not agree w/ some of how she chose to express her anger, but again, that’s her choice, and it comes from a different (though related) place than mine.

Anyway, I wanted to write this to try to spell out, step by step, what I see happening over and over again. There’s no easy solution, because this is a massive, pervasive, society-wide problem, tied in w/ all sorts of complicated issues like race, gender, class, and other, more specific “status” markers (e.g., Edelstein and Nouraee are in relative positions of power here as editor and writer of a MSM publication). I think we could all use a good dose of Communication 101.

I tried to express what I mean wrt the whole FFF thing in this thread, but apparently it’s still not coming out clear enough. Sometimes I have problems articulating what I mean clearly. Add to this the fact that sometimes it becomes difficult to tell whether it (or how much) is attributable to me not being clear enough, and how much is the other person/people not wanting to hear me. It becomes frustrating.

I need to write a separate blog post, I guess, trying to explain, once again, once and for all, what I mean. I’m tired of people - even well-intentioned people - sort of assuming that because I’m not falling in lock-step with arguments made by BA, Donna, and BFP, that I’m a-okay with the dismissive remarks about them just being “jealous” or “sensitive.” That’s bullshit, and I am in no way endorsing such stupid, petty assessments of the situation. Other people have given me a primer on the existing grievances WOC have w/ the larger feminist and political blogosphere. Magniloquence did so in the thread at sassywho’s, and then I felt embarrassed because she went to that trouble when really… none of it was news to me. But I guess something about what I wrote made her think that it would be news to me? I don’t know.

The grievances are real. WOC have been marginalized in the blogosphere, and it sucks, and it needs to stop.

But still - I am not okay w/ a lot of how the FFF fall-out went down. I do not think JV deserves to be treated as a whipping girl. I do not think it’s unfair to point out that at a certain point, all the noise gets mixed together and when you’re in a vulnerable spot, you have to retreat inward and take care of yourself and tune out the people yelling at you from all sides. And I don’t see why saying that is assumed to be a tacit endorsement of negative treatment of WOC by men and/or white bloggers, or why mentioning that JV has feelings is assumed to have a corollary of, “And the WOC bloggers’ feelings don’t matter.”

Frankly I’m tired of it all. I might do one more post to try to explain myself, but maybe not. Because I get tired of trying to explain myself. I get frustrated.

And I don’t like the assumptions being made, by some very intelligent bloggers who I consider friends and whose opinions I respect immensely, that, basically, I haven’t examined enough if I don’t agree with X, Y, and Z perspective on the matter.

It all sounds too familiar.

And YES, as a matter of fact, for anyone who cares to ask, this is all about me, because this is my blog.

I feel like this is something I could maybe explain more clearly to individual people, one-on-one, talking rather than writing. But even then, I don’t know if I’d be heard.

Queer Dewd had a lot of good things to say and so I will defer to her on much of what I’m trying to express, because she is very good at articulating things that I struggle with.

But even then, it’s not complete. There are things I have been trying to express, that apparently just aren’t coming out right.

This whole thing has left me feeling very wary about much of the blogosphere where I previously felt comfortable and at home.

From Ilyka Damen, on what happens when white folks start trying to step outside of white privilege and acknowledge the way it can color (no pun intended) the way we see things:

After awhile, you’ll start to notice you’re seeing things you never saw before, perhaps couldn’t see before. Things that made no sense to you even just a few months back, suddenly make too much sense. Where before you saw legitimate complaints against OVERSENSITIVITY and PARANOIA and JEALOUSY and PETTY DIVISIVENESS, you now see an order and a method. But the order is all out of whack and the method is brutal and graceless. The order constrains what you would see free, and the method is only used to punish whatever, or whoever, threatens the order.

Things look different, and things don’t always look so good. Your White Lens is shrinking. It isn’t filtering your vision as well as it used to. Instead of seeing everything bathed in a pale rosy glow, you see more individual colors. You see more light, too, but the light reveals much that disturbs you.

Some days you about claw your own eyes out trying to put that lens back on. Like a relationship you know is no good for you that you nonetheless return to occasionally for familiarity, for comfort, or for sex, so is that lens. But you can’t revive that dead relationship and you can’t seem to make that lens grow back to its original size, either.

Spoiled now is the way you used to see things. A lot of pleasant reading has turned coarse and awkward. Where before you would read:

I think what is most amazing to me is that this doesn’t take place in some tent in the middle of the desert or a stone hut. These people are not dressed in tribal garb — they are wearing jeans and t-shirts and the whole thing takes place in a street in what appears to be a modern town.

–and say, “Yes, how odd that is!”, now you’re aghast. You wish you could find another interpretation for this besides, “I wouldn’t be shocked by such brutal behavior from primitive savages. But from modern, Westernized people? Bizarre!”

And you know that it is anything but bizarre, and you know the author knows it too, and you know that is not what she meant, so now you worry. You worry that maybe you, too, are becoming oversensitive. And is it really important? People are dying. You should fight the real enemy. Don’t be petty. Don’t get so hung up over mere language. They’re just words! Don’t be divisive. George W. Bush is still President. Focus! Fight the real enemy.

Plenty of real oppression to tackle without you imagining more from people who mean well. Let it go.

But you will remain uneasy. You will have been reading different points of view than you once did, and you will notice something ugly the purveyors of these viewpoints have in common: They will all, at some point, or maybe often, maybe even daily, have been told to shut up and fight the real enemy. They will have been told this by people who have hurt them, even as those same people swear they mean well.

Because of this, the people you are newly reading will sometimes make the same decision you just did, the decision to let it go; but they will not always make it for the same reasons you did. Sometimes that decision will be made to stave off an inner exhaustion you don’t have. Other times it will be made in a heartache you don’t know, and still other times in a rage you can’t imagine.

No, you will not know what any of this could possibly be like. You will only know that you hate to see it.

The same holds true, too, for men who decide to acknowledge male privilege and start to look at things and situations with a critical eye.

One thing I would like to mention is that a type of defensiveness is a natural part of this process of coming to an understanding (for most folks, in my experience). If we’re all patient with each other, as long we’re willing to actively listen, learn, and grow, then the results will be profoundly positive.

Side note: Some of you might think it’s odd that I’m posting this and nodding my vehement agreement after the way I apparently have “defended” Jessica Valenti. Eh, too bad, so sad. Acknowledging white privilege and systemic oppression on various levels and for various reasons doesn’t mean everyone falls lock-step with identical views. (Not for white folks, and not for POC, either; to suggest otherwise would be offensive and reductive to all.) I stand by everything I wrote about the FFF fiasco; I believe all of it and will say it again and again if challenged. My posting of Ilyka’s words was not motivated by this specific situation, but by trends and patterns of behavior I’ve come to recognize during my 5+ years blogging - and, not to mention offline interaction. Ye gods.

I feel like I’ve been falling into self-censorship again, and I don’t like it.

That might seem like a ludicrous thing for me to say, given I just ranted all over the place w/ my FFF post. But it’s true. ‘Cause FFF isn’t the only blog-worthy topic out there, after all.

Maybe I just feel down in the dumps today because of all the smoke in the air messing w/ my allergies. Ah, actually, I’m sure it’s a combination of things. Last night, pole dancing class was unexpectedly canceled at the last minute (I hope everything is okay!!) and I felt really crappy after that. I didn’t realize how much I look forward to it every week. And we don’t have class next week ’cause of Memorial Day. I need to get my own pole sooner rather than later.

And then when I got home last night, I had that email from the landlord waiting for me. And then I had to clean out the fridge and it was being recalcitrant.

… I was just about to say, “I know I sound whiny…” and make some kind of excuse. But then I remembered that just this morning, I admonished Jenny via email because she had written honestly about stuff going on in her life and then said, “I don’t mean to be whiny.” Well maybe it’s okay to be “whiny” every once in a while!

I want to make it clear, though, there’s a difference between just having little things pile up on you every once in a while; and not doing anything about it. I’m proactive, so when I notice this kind of thing happening with me, I take whatever action is necessary - even if that action is just some down time. Wallowing in stupid shit and not having any perspective is one thing; that would make one whiny. But not this.

Also I probably definitely just need a good fuck. I get fairly distressed after a few days worth of dry spell. Get well soon, Rusty! (This is not intended to be coercive, so just don’t start w/ that, obnoxious blog lurkers who only comment when you feel like being publicly obnoxious.)

But a big part of it, too, is the FFF thing, and the subsequent self-censoring that just sort of happened without me even realizing it at first. I don’t like people going around spelling out definitions of “silencing.” One’s emotions usually aren’t political, you know?

-On the other hand, I think it was perfectly legit a few weeks/months ago when there was the most recent radfem lost-your-shit meltdown, and people were saying, guess what, it’s not silencing if you’re SHOUTING ALL OVER THE INTERNET. Which just goes to show, I guess, that all of this should be taken on a strictly case-by-case basis.

Oh and then there’s the fucking APD posting photos of women arrested for prostitution. Yeah, because that’s such a goddamn stellar idea! Jesus! As Ren would say… “Humans, the other white meat.” Maybe try to prevent people from being stabbed instead; thought of that, have you?

Okay. I am off to try to cheer myself up now! Maybe do some writing/thinking/abstract dreaming about Sex 2.0. Maybe try to start writing one of those blog posts I’ve been too scared to write. Maybe go get afternoon Starbucks. Or all of the above! I can’t wait to get home and spend time w/ Rusty, too.

The whole FFF thing? It just goes to show why I can’t write a book. I’m way too sensitive, and I wouldn’t be able to handle people shitting all over me. And you know, legitimate criticisms or not, at a certain point when you’re the subject of all that shit, it becomes hard if not impossible to differentiate the legit stuff from the self-congratulatory ad hominem. And who has the time or energy for it, anyway? It would send me spiraling into a flare-up of depression. And then, at a certain point with this stuff, people start going, “Oh, why isn’t she addressing any of our concerns?? Why isn’t she answering??” Maybe because she’s fucking exhausted and can’t stand the constant barrage of what, eventually, all just sounds like “YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK” - and what could she do to redeem herself, anyway?

I’m just sorry that it all turned out this way. There are constructive conversations to be had about the book’s strengths and weaknesses, but their potential is being drowned out more and more every day.

ETA: I don’t care what anyone else says… this post almost made me cry. Let’s review again… I’m highly sensitive and I also have the sometimes-blessing, sometimes-curse of being very able to put myself in someone else’s shoes. And as I’ve explained, in this whole situation I feel like I can relate to Jessica to an extent, and at a certain point it just becomes, let’s remember she has feelings.

And yes, I get it, the people with the legit critiques have feelings too. Believe me, I get it. But this isn’t a pissing contest. It’s about piling on and just backing the fuck up for a minute.

This may get me skewered but I’m past caring. Actually, I almost didn’t post any of the stuff I wrote about FFF because I felt I didn’t have the words to accurately convey what I mean. I still feel that way, but I posted it anyway.

Jessica might not even like me IRL if we were ever to meet, but still, something about this is seriously twisting my gut in the wrong way.

I was planning to write a nice, structured review, but I just couldn’t get my thoughts to be cohesive enough. It’s obvious I’ve been out of college for a while, and thus not having to write formal essays and such.

So, what follows is kind of a stream of consciousness screed, with bits and pieces of comments I left elsewhere over the past week mixed in.
—

I finished Full Frontal Feminism the other day. I’ll go ahead and warn you - this post probably won’t be pretty. Because, I’ll be honest - I’m pissed. And I don’t intend to self-censor in order to potentially not offend someone. I hate that feeling of having to choose my every single word so carefully because it might offend some person I don’t know, for a reason I can’t anticipate.

I liked the book. And, even though back when I was only 1-2 chapters in, I said that I thought it spoke to the upper class women I knew in college who thought feminism was “quaint” and viewed sexism as a thing of the past - now I’m not so sure. I mean, I still think it can speak to those women, some of them at least. But I think it also, most definitely, can speak to some middle class and working class young women. Knowing myself, I can say this for sure: if I had read this book when I was 18, it certainly would have spoken to me. Working class, depressed, socially awkward white girl living in a (verbally and emotionally; with rare occasion, physically) abusive household.

And yes, I identify with JV more than a little bit - and even more so than before, after reading the book and getting more of a picture of her experience growing up. So yes, I may get a bit personal in my review and lash out; I’ll try to keep it as confined to the book itself, but I’m also fucking pissed at the way people are ripping into her - and yeah, I get it, many of them have legit reasons to be pissed based on shit that’s gone down in the blogosphere, but from where I’m standing it looks like she’s become a goddamn punching bag, and white privilege or not for me to say that, I’m fucking saying it, because that’s what I see, and I don’t care who you are, but it’s not right to do that to someone.

Now, let me also say upfront, before anyone starts saying I’m just sucking JV’s proverbial cock… I liked the book, but I did not think it was perfect, or an end-all, be-all feminist manifesto. It had some problems. In particular I have some issues with how she seems to resort to the same old “Yeah, you can wear make-up/heels/whatever, but make sure you remember it’s not a feminist choice! Don’t kid yourself!” trope. You can do certain things as long as you feel bad about it, or, at the very least, don’t feel good (and god forbid empowered) by it. Also the marriage chapter was pretty weak (not surprising; there’s generally at least one weak chapter in any book like this that covers a broad range of topic areas) and fell into stereotyping and telling women what they should and shouldn’t do. She was very adamant in saying that women should not change their last name when they get married, for example. Chapter 11, “Beauty Cult,” was a mixed bag because I could relate to the first part of it so much that I almost started crying… it brought back some really painful memories. But the rest of the chapter fell into stereotyping again.

So about chapter 11, that reminds me. People are saying things like, where does Jessica get off talking about body image issues, when she’s young and hot. Excuse me?? That is so fucking offensive. Talk about invalidating someone’s life experiences. Plus, it sounds really high school. And she probably got enough of that kind of shit, you know, in high school. When people were abusing her because of her looks. Which, regardless of how she looks now, that’s what happened to her and that kind of thing leaves lasting scars. I should know, because that’s what happened to me. People who are dismissive about it seem to me to be lacking compassion and stuck in a state of arrested development, and yes I said it. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t see myself with a completely objective eye. The way I see myself in the mirror is all mixed up in psychological shit, stemming from things that happened years and years ago. Is that so hard to understand? I’m betting that’s how it is for most people.

So yeah, I feel like I relate to Jessica. From what she wrote in this book about her own experiences growing up, I see a lot of similarities. And I know how that stuff feels. Or at least, how it felt for me. And moreover, I know how it feels to have people not take me seriously - online and off - when I try to open up about some of the most painful experiences of my life. (I’m looking at you, Amanda Marcotte.)

You know, a lot of folks in the feminist blogosphere talk about playing the “oppression Olympics.” Like back when that shit went down with Heart and ChasingMoksha, and Heart was all, oh, I can’t be racist because I married a black man, and I did it as a political statement. As if that isn’t supremely racist right there. So, when people called Heart on her bullshit, it devolved into this whole “who’s the most oppressed of all” game, and people (rightly) called bullshit on that. But, I can’t help feeling like what’s going on here is a game of oppression Olympics. As in, she’s white and not dirt poor and went to college, therefore, painful experiences in her life don’t matter or aren’t as important, and issues of oppression that don’t have to do with race (as if it’s possible to separate any of that stuff out anyway - intersectional analysis, remember?), or don’t have to do with the most extreme examples of classism possible (Queer Dewd wrote about this), don’t matter.

And the cover. What the fuck about the cover. You know what, I don’t give a shit. And I was pissed back in October when Nubian had a meltdown about it. What should Jessica have done - put a woman of color on the cover? Then wouldn’t she have been accused of just using people of color to make a point? (Which is one of the things she being accused of now, incidentally, but not because of the cover.) She has said she chose this cover because she feels like it represents her. And for all the people who are pissed because ZOMG IT’S A NEKKID WOMAN - fuck off. Seriously. That’s another reason I think it’s a good thing the cover is what it is. To challenge those old assumptions about sexy/smart that still pervade even supposedly “progressive” thought. (And yes, I know, I’ve heard the complaints about “well that’s not sexy to me.” You know what I mean. Give me a better word and I’ll use it.) Plus, if that cover can jump off the shelves to people and potentially sell more books? All the better. If that’s what it takes to get some people to read it, and they end up seeing the benefits of feminism, then awesome. (Plus the fact that authors have very little say over the cover, but QD already wrote about that in detail, so I won’t bore you. Suffice it to say, the way some people were going on and on about it, I was thinking, “Your ignorance is showing.”)

Do I think more women of color should have book deals of their own? YES. Absolutely. But I don’t understand why that should mean this book can’t exist. Yeah, yeah, no one said that - not in so many words exactly. But the sentiment has been floated; it doesn’t take much to read between the lines. “Oh, if only she had done this; if only she had changed that.” Until suddenly, it’s a completely different book.

As Queer Dewd has pointed out, Seal Press has a history of publishing feminist books by women of color and other traditionally marginalized feminist voices. They tend to specialize in niche areas. And anyway, why should one book be all things to all people? It can’t. It’s impossible. It would be stupid to try.

I do think there are areas where Jessca could/should have done more when it comes to talking about how certain issues affect WOC. For example, chapter 8, about motherhood. Barely a page is devoted to the fact that while society expects white, middle/upper class women to be baby-making machines, the same does not hold true for WOC and lower class women. She sort of glosses over it. She devotes a little more time to the related issue of eugenics and forced sterilization in chapter 5, when she talks about organizations like CRACK advertising in poor black neighborhoods; but in general, the coverage of that whole area was pretty weak. On the other hand, the stuff in chapter 5 was probably sufficient, given what I understand to be the book’s intended audience, and the fact that it’s a primer rather than an in-depth examination of any particular issue.

Oh, and about the language? Well, there were parts of it that I didn’t like, but it had nothing to do with there being “too much cursing” - I mean, just take a look at this blog; I drop F-bombs like they’re going out of style. People who have a pearl-clutching attack because of that can blow it out their asses. What I didn’t like was the few times Jessica fell into ad hominem; it wasn’t often, but it did happen. There was a line about “prudes,” for example. That was unnecessary, and I feel like it actually kind of undermined the valid, strong point she’d just made.

—
Okay! This isn’t in any kind of order (obviously). Later I might update with links to other blog posts, and such. I’m feeling too lazy to do that at the moment, because it’s late and I need sleep. A bunch of people have written about it… Queer Dewd, Ren, Blackamazon, Petitpoussin, Donna, Sylvia, Jill at Feministe, and many others who I probably haven’t read. Google ‘em.

More to come, I’m sure.

You’ll get something like this again tonight at 11:59 thanks to my daily Twitter updates, but just wanted to put up a post letting everyone know the surgery is over and done with, and my “strapping young lad” (heh, thanks Veronica) did great. He’s sleeping on the couch now. I’m glad he managed to get to sleep, because he was in pain (which is to be expected). Debating over whether to wake him at 3:00 for another Percocet.

Everyone at Crawford Long was very nice and helpful (except for one nurse who acted like she wanted to get us out of there as soon as possible) and the doctor said he should be fine. So that’s the update!

While waiting at the hospital, I managed to finish reading Full Frontal Feminism. Review coming sometime this weekend, whenever I’m not compulsively cleaning. One of our windows won’t close all the way - converted industrial buildings have “charm” and “character,” you see - and a bunch of dust-like crap got inside on the furniture from where a crew was pressure-washing or something on the outside of the building, and it’s making me sneeze and generally pissing me off.

Off to tend to the patient now! :)