BINGO!

I have an idea: let’s make a BINGO card for media representation of sex workers!

A BINGO card has 25 squares (including on “free square” in the center that can be adapted creatively as necessary), so help me out with your suggestions. Here’s what I’ve got so far off the top of my head.

Terminology:

  • The world’s oldest profession
  • High-end / high-class
  • Working girls
  • Virtual street corner
  • Ply their trade
  • Sell their bodies

Other characteristics:

  • Dismissive/snarky quotation marks (e.g., “work”)
  • Photo of scantily-clad woman leaning into car window

Hell, we might have to make more than one card!

Note: this post was inspired by Monica at $pread Blog.

Bag of quotes

I have another long-ass post in progress, but in the meantime I am amused by my header quotes database and, since this is my blog, I’m going to post ALL OF THEM here now. I’m highly amused; perhaps you will be, as well. And if not, that’s okay too, because I AM AMUSED!

4 “I am a responsible, adult woman, and I’ll not be shamed for it.” Ren

5 Making the baby Jesus cry since 2002.

6 “It’s like seven minutes in heaven, only it’s five hours in hell.” Brent

7 “Now all I need is a room with a pole in it.” Remy Ma

8 A blog from the gynocentric angle.

9 “Have I changed? Or have I just awoken to who I always was?” Ryann Rain

11 Sharpening my Fuck You stick since 2002.

12 Nice girls don’t.

13 “Bloggers are just like everybody else except that we admit what we do.” Figleaf

14 “I feel like you guys are the kinky authority figures.” Joseph

15 “Trust the Danes. They are a wise and comfortable people.” Jenny

16 “I live my life like I’m reading my own biography.” Of Montreal

17 “It is one of the great superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.” Voltaire

18 “The older I get, the more I realize most of what I grew up with was bullshit.” Rusty

19 Using my communist tools to silence the truth since 2002.

20 “Use of expletives to get a point across only serves to make women in general look uneducated and hysterical.” Dumbass commenter

21 “The future is here. It’s just not evenly distributed yet.” William Gibson

22 “In spite of it all, you’re still here, you’re a survivor. And if you’re anything like I think you are, you survive in spite of yourself.” N.P.

23 Just another malicious feminist.

24 Filled to bursting with obvious indecency.

25 A natural, zesty enterprise.

26 It takes talent, and biting.

27 “I feel like I’m in a Talking Heads song or something.” Joseph

28 “You’re running a blog, not a democracy.” Rusty

29 “You fucked the suburbs out of me.” Of Montreal

30 “I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me”. Liz Phair

31 “Listen here young lady, all that matters is what makes you happy.” Liz Phair

32 “I think we’re a bit past absurd.” Jenny

33 “Hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.” Dacia

34 “Just what I need, another charming gay man in my life.” Jenny

36 “Not every short-haired feminist you meet at Pride is a lesbian.” Shelby

37 “I hate how lunch with us always ends with action items.” Ryan

38 “A ‘nuculer’ threat is one from a Middle Eastern country.” Brent

39 “Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.” H.G. Wells

40 “When they tell you you’re going to hell, you’re probably on the right track.” David

41 “Never let last night dictate your today.” Brent

42 “RSS can make the Internet your bitch.” Terri Lynn

45 “You don’t have to be defensive if you see imaginary bugs in the middle of the night.” Rusty

46 “Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn reverence for life until we learn reverence for sex.” Havelock Ellis

47 “You can’t control the length of your life, but you can control the width and depth.” Anonymous

48 “If having a hysterectomy would keep you from murdering another human being, I’d gladly pay for you to have it done.” Crazy commenter

49 “I just fucking love that it’s when I stop trying to be coy and whorish that I come across as such.” Jenny

50 Exercise, Atlanta, and anal sex: three things I’m glad I didn’t write off.

51 “Just fuck me in the ass with a football bat already.” BL

52 “You might not always see the ripples you create, but it’s important to know that they are there.” Niki

53 “I fear South Carolina more than I fear Hamas, and I’m not kidding even a little bit.” Tony

54 “I would love to be an ethical version of Karl Rove.” Jenny

55 “I love that I almost have a Masters degree and it has led me to chauffeuring balloons around.” Niki

56 “I hate raisins. I don’t even understand them.” Rusty

57 “Get a goddamn sense of humor, for fucking crying out loud.” Dooce

59 “I own the fact that I am human and have had human experiences.” Sherry

60 “Trying to stop things that cause us pleasure, and cause nobody any pain, is just to take too much joy out of life.” Sage

61 “Someone give me a penis so that I don’t sound like a Feminazi.” Sassywho

63 “Everything is a work in progress. Otherwise, it’s just old news.” Justin Kownacki

64 “Misogyny deserves no shield to hide behind.” Deep Feminist

65 “I am sex, I am my body, and my sex, my mind and my body have never been separate.” Kochanie

66 “Stop trying to act like you’re relevant.” NRB

67 “We don’t always know what we think we know, and in fact, often we don’t know shit.” Kim

68 “Intimacy lives in the heart and head, not the crotch.” Renegade Evolution

69 On the move and eroding the moral fabric of this country since 2002.

71 Pulling numbers out of my opinion hole since 2002.

72 “The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame.” Rod Steiger

75 “We don’t have to trip over our liberalism here.” Octogalore

76 “One reader’s crap is another reader’s lifeline.” J. Brotherlove

77 “No web page is ever going to really be able to capture your humanity.” Rachel Kramer Bussel

78 Murdering innocent children in order to obtain sexual gratification since 2002.

79 Why not? It gives us something to do!

80 “I still stand for something, even on my knees.” Ren

81 “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T.S. Eliot

82 “That tattoo on my arm? It’s Sanskrit for ‘Tee hee, I love dick.’” Kim

83 “I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me.” Madonna

84 “We need to be able to feel good about certain achievements without falling on our swords every five seconds.” Octogalore

85 “Why do these people have to be so friggin’ predictable?” Queer Dewd

86 “You’d rather sit in your safe little hole and sneer, proud of how smart you sound.” Dave M.

87 “We’ve got two lives, one we’re given and the other one we make.” Mary Chapin Carpenter

88 “A little risk in the name of desire and self-satisfaction is quite different from developing false consciousness.” AWB

90 Not a Political Ass Virgin.

91 Professional blog warrior ready for action.

92 Goddess of social media cool / Free speech Nazi

93 “Most liberals are cowards who aren’t interested in real debate.” Shelby’s troll

94 I’m trouble.

95 “Accountability. It’s a bitch.” Jenny

96 “My vagina does not contain a magic wellspring of political solidarity, thank you.” Dora

97 “I’m such a fucking lady.” Remy Ma

98 “Physics makes us all its bitches.” Of Montreal

99 “If God gave us the imagination then it would be rude not to use it.” Rootietoot

100 “Being able to separate [sex and intimacy] is most likely associated with some deep scar in your unconscious psyche.” Crazy commenter

101 “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” Eleanor Roosevelt

102 “If the answer isn’t violence, neither is your silence.” PWEI

103 “The peaches more than make up for the Baptists.” Rootietoot

104 “No person is your friend who demands your silence.” Alice Walker

105 “So you can make me come, that doesn’t make you Jesus.” Tori Amos

106 If I can’t pole dance, it’s not my revolution.

107 “One man’s bukakke is another woman’s shibari.” j. brotherlove

108 “A little cleavage goes a long way. A lot of cleavage goes pretty much anywhere.” Jenny

109 “The gap between what we assume people do sexually and what they actually do is enormous.” Alfred Kinsey

110 “I can’t change the world / But I can change the world in me.” U2

111 “I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious” Liz Phair

112 “Yes I know what you think of me, you never shut up” Tori Amos

113 May trigger.

114 Not conducive to freedom.

115 Humorless feminist babykiller.

116 “It’s nice to be liked, but it’s better by far to get paid.” Liz Phair

Repost from my Tumblr, thus scoring me another point on the checklist!

I usually hate Gawker but this is hilarious and so true:

Quiz: Are You An Online Jackass?

I IMed Rusty the URL and told him I marked it for him in del.icio.us. I’m surprised that wasn’t on the list!

Quote of the day

From Ren:

Every once in awhile I do go out and actually spend time with normal people…so I can remember why I do it so fucking rarely.

It’s because you suck and I hate you.

Ha!

On a totally unrelated note, happy Super Tuesday and Mardi Gras, whichever one’s your poison.

Back to work for me, now. See some of y’alll tonight at Amsterdam… yes, I’m coming out to the primary-watching-party, mainly to socialize rather than actually watch the primary returns. Coincidentally enough, I always have mixed feelings about going to these kinds of events, because I know there will be a lot of “normal people” there; but I’m going tonight because I know several friends will be there. And I will even brave it without Rusty… he’s sick. :(

Quote of the day

About a week or so ago I saw that new Burger King commercial where they stop selling the Whopper and all the customers freak out. Naturally, the part at the end about “Burger Queen” set off my Über-Feminazi Victim Hysteria, and I thought about blogging or at least Twittering about it, but then never did. But Roy (whose blog always makes me think of the time Sassywho said, “Someone give me a penis so I don’t sound like a feminazi”) did, and therefore he is the source of today’s Quote of the Day.

“If Burger King doesn’t have the Whopper, they might as well call themselves Burger Queen.”

I mean… what does that even really mean? Burger Queen? Like, what, if Dairy Queen started serving a shitty burger covered in Thousand Island dressing they’d become Dairy King, but since they don’t, they’re just a Queen? It’s obviously meant as an insult, but I just don’t understand what the insult is supposed to imply- Whoppers are manly and if you don’t have them you’re a girl?

I guess it’s convenient that I think Burger King is shite anyway.

Read the whole post here.

Good questions

Sometimes, the best way to make a point stick is to turn it around on the people who are being obnoxious with their “concern” and their entreaties to “examine” (but never to judge, no, never!).

Via Trinity:

WHAT CAUSES VANILLA?

How long have you been vanilla?

Are you sure that you’re not simply too nervous to submit or dominate because past traumas make you too nervous to relate to others on a truly intimate level?

Have you ever really examined your vanilla desires?

The vast majority of sexuality depicted in the media is vanilla. Are you sure your desires now don’t stem from not seeing alternate models much in the media?

How can you experience true intimacy with someone if you’re afraid to share erotic pain with them? Aren’t you missing something?

It’s really a shame that our screwed up vanilla-normative society ruined you like that.

Oh, I’m not telling you what to DO. I’d never do that. But it’s such a shame that you HAVE to.

Oh, I’ve been involved in some vanilla things myself, but I’m better than the rest because I realize that when the SMers say we should question, they’re right! I try not to get too involved.

I’m not trying to diss those who want to create egalitarian relationships for themselves, but it’s so played out and socially normative. I’m going to go create my own communities wherein we strive to create truly hierarchical relationships. It really saddens me to see people stuck invested in the same old eroticization of sameness.

When people tell me that I’m just saying all of this because my own proclivities are sadomasochistic it makes me so SAD. Don’t they see that this is BIGGER THAN THE PERSONAL?

Even I have vanilla fantasies now and then. It’s impossible not to in a society like this one. I’m not the enemy!

Not so much fun when it’s turned around, is it? In fact, it’s pretty annoying!

All for the nookie

Reader “Jim” doesn’t like that I have password-protected posts. Heavens!

What intrigues me is that after you’ve openly discussed having sex at a swinger’s club, what aspects of one’s life might warrant a password protected post. After some thought, I’ve concluded the two go hand in hand. If I wanted to share a private thought with friends, I’d send an email. Heck, I might even pick up a phone. But if I were an exhibitionist, I’d do the blog-equivalent of “I’ve got a secret.”

You got a sweet theory, boy!

I emailed him:

I was going to respond to your rather nebulous post about me on your blog, but since you don’t have comments, I can’t. There’s a lesson in there about glass houses and stones, I think. If I cared enough to bother playing such a game, that is.

Sorry if you don’t like the password protected thing, but oh well, it’s my blog. It’s amusing to me that you think going to a sex club is OMG TEH MOST PRIVATE PERSONAL THING EVAR!!!!1!1! - as if real people’s real lives aren’t actually much more complicated than that. Perhaps for your next trick, you could post your full medical records?

Anyway, kisses, and thanks for being a fan. In the interest of transparency, I’ll be sure to blog this email, as well.

This is now completely recursive.

Teachable moment, heh

Transcript of a story told to me over IM… (Posted all in a row like this, it looks kind of like poetry, with all the line breaks. And that makes it even funnier.)

so my roomie was showing me stuff around the apartment
and he was like, “this is where my videos are
feel free to watch any whenever you want”
and then he gets this slightly sheepish look on his face
and he’s like, “um, there might be some porn in there.”
and i say, “i don’t care.”
and he rushes on, “it’s all softcore stuff, like playboy. i mean, there’s nothing hardcore.”
to which i reply, “well, that’s a shame.”
and he looks at me like i have two heads or something
and i’m like, “i really don’t care.”
and he starts stuttering apologies/justification
and i’m like, “really, I DON’T CARE.”
and he stops and he’s like, “so, what. women watch porn?”
and i’m about to fall down b/c i’m trying so hard not to laugh
b/c he’s SO sincere
and i’m like, “look.”
“one of my friends has been taking pictures to be naked on the internet…”
“and another sent me an email this morning asking what i thought about searching for a fuckbuddy on craigslist”
i REALLY DON’T CARE that you have porn.
“unless it’s tony comstock. then i care.”
…which he didn’t understand, but that’s probably just as well. :)
anyway
that made MY day.
first time he’s lived with a girl. :)

Heh.

[Cross-posted at Pro-Porn Activism]

Loving this post

From Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Novels, via Rachel Kramer-Bussel; and I’ll tell you up front, they were riffing off the AJC’s “Woman to Woman” column, which should prep you for exactly what kind of stupidity they were dealing with.

The funny thing is, the sorts of people who love to blame romance novels for the breakdown of the family are usually the ones who go on ad nauseam about the importance of personal responsibility, especially when it comes to social issues. Pregnant with an unwanted child? Gay? Brown and po’? SUCK IT UP, BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT TO BEGIN WITH, AND IF YOU TRIED HARD ENOUGH, YOU WOULDN’T BE ANY OF THESE THINGS. But once something like, say, violence in video games or the manly (but sensitive! Don’t forget they’re so sensitive!) heroes in romance novels rear their heads, they’re all for warning people off lest the poor, unsuspecting victims shatter their fragile psyches against the ramparts of oiled man-titty. As soon as blame can be attached to something that directly affects them, you won’t see a group of people so eager to pass on the buck. God forbid that the kids do awful things because they had shitty parents or because they’re being, y’know, kids, or that the woman left her husband because he’s a terrible spouse.

The rebuttal didn’t get my dander up quite as much as it did Sarah, but the derailment into Pornolandia made me raise my brow. I tend to question studies that claim violent porn increases propensities towards sexual violence–my gut feeling is that people who voluntarily seek out violent porn (not kinky BDSM stuff–I’m talking snuff porn and rape porn) on a regular basis probably are inclined in that direction to begin with. Linking causality for this sort of thing is incredibly tricky.

And all this clucking and flapping over female porn always makes me wonder: are female orgasms so terrifying? Seriously, why are people so damn worked up over women getting turned on and rubbin’ one out? Every time a woman masturbates, are TWO kittens killed instead of just one? I want to know, because I’d like to know how many kittens I’ve killed last week.

Sarah and Candy win at life.

Quote of the day

Ha! Kevin at Slant Truth always manages to be smart and funny, while wielding an incisive no-BS wit that puts most to shame. I love what he says about his comment policy:

[T]he quickest way to get me thinking it’s time to ban you is when you start wagging on about free speech. Or as I said over at Ilyka’s, when someone (who am I kidding, it’s always some dude), starts yapping about how they “just want to have a discussion,” it usually means they want to be able to say stupid shit wherever and whenever they want. It’s a blog for chrissakes. The whole point is discussion. People aren’t getting pissed because you want to have a discussion. People are pissed because you’re being an asshole.

In lieu of a blog post…

Check out my awesome new shirt.

I’ll be wearing it to pole dancing class tomorrow night.

It’s coming

That post title was the easy, obvious pun; I know. But I couldn’t resist.

The 2007 Masturbate-A-Thon is Saturday, May 26. The IRL event is in San Francisco (of course), but if you’re elsewhere in the world, you can participate from home. This is all on the honor system, people. And if you need to stay motivated? You can get a live video feed of the SF event, so you can watch competitions such as “Most Orgasms” and “Longest Squirt Distance.” All proceeds go to the awesome, extremely necessary Center for Sex & Culture.

Maybe one day Atlanta will be cool enough to get off its collective ass and host a corresponding east coast event. I know of a few groups and venues that would be ideal. Of course, maybe they’re already doing it and I’m just not in the loop. Honestly, that’s a more likely possibility than nothing happening.

Oh, and May 26 also happens to be the date of a party at a certain newly-returned Atlantan’s house. I’m just saying.

Some good words I’ve noticed today…

…and must remember to casually slip into conversation at some point.

(Pardon my split infinitive.)

Literally in the AJC

Check it out: Literally, A Weblog was featured in the AJC yesterday. December 2, 2006, page D-1, “@issue” opinion section, subsection “Noted.” Pat has a color-adjusted hi-res scan of the page on Flickr.

Maybe I should give Wuthering Heights a second chance

Ha!! Email from Jenny:

All right… I just stumbled across a Charlotte Brontë quote that MUST be shared. Rest assured, I loathed Wuthering Heights back in the day, and the wordiness and melodrama below are reminiscent of why. Regardless…

———————-

The thought came over me: am I to spend all the best part of my life in this wretched bondage, forcibly suppressing my rage at the idleness, the apathy and the hyperbolic and most asinine stupidity of these fat headed oafs and on compulsion assuming an air of kindness, patience and assiduity? Must I from day to day sit chained to this chair prisoned within these four bare walls, while the glorious summer suns are burning in heaven and the year is revolving in its richest glow and declaring at the close of every summer day the time I am losing will never come again?

That just needed to be shared.

Flickr exposed

Today I noticed that some random Flickr user (usr?) had put a note on one of my self-portraits: “Extremely kissable.” I don’t know who this person is and it kind of creeped me out, but I couldn’t find a way to delete notes. Anyway, intrigued despite being creeped out, I decided to check out this person’s profile. He is “male, 34, and taken” - and belongs to quite a few groups with names that just must be repeated.

A sampling:

  • WALMART PARKING LOT EXPOSED
  • fuckr
  • ProudOfMyManBoobs&Nips
  • rate a dick
  • Tribute to big areolas - amateur and natural only
  • Cocks N Clits
  • Naked and can’t stop
  • fuck me in africa
  • Legs, Sperm and More
  • Soft, saggy, big hanging breasts
  • Just a Boob
  • Breast Decor
  • MILF’s All Dressed up
  • Nude cock I love it_womens only
  • Megarump - the male big rear
  • big girls bounce better
  • Naked in/out your Car

It’s like a much funnier version of that scene in Clerks where Randall is reading through all the porno names while the mom and little girl stand there, apparently (we’re to understand) scandalized.

You’re on notice

On notice!

(Click for full size if your browser cuts it off.)

Via Scam City / Make your own!

Fun with etymology

I’m waiting to find out exactly how thoroughly I am going to get fucked by the IRS, but since I can’t do anything about it no matter what the outcome, I’m trying not to think about it. Slowly emerging from my pity party, but I’ll keep having it for as long as I goddamn feel like, until all the booze is gone and the guests are good and plastered. Wait, what? That analogy doesn’t work…

Anyway, that being said, here’s an email from one of my Correspondents in the Field (who really needs her own blog, because she writes so many blogworthy emails!), which cheered me up because it’s really fucking funny.

So…one of my co-workers wondered aloud what “stan” meant. Stan as in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, etc. One quick google search later and we learned that “stan” is a Farsi word meaning “land.” Makes good sense (England, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, etc.).

Apparently Afghanistan means “Land of the Afghans,” Uzbekistan means “Land of the Uzbeks” and Pakistan means “Land of the Pure.” Yep. Land of the Pure.

Less reliable sources also define “taj” as “person wearing a crown” and “ik” as head, ergo Tajikistan means “Land of the Person Wearing a Crown on Their Head.”

Maybe someday we’ll rename our country Jesustan. It has a nice ring to it. And feels autocratically appropriate.

But seriously, Land of the Pure?

LOL!

Fun with typos

Excellent typo from an email I just received: “Let me know if that coed doesn’t work for you.”

Freudian slip, anyone? (It was supposed to be code, not coed.)

Rick Santorum was right after all

This is what happens when gay marriage is legalized:*

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat’s owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi said.

* …anywhere in the world.

Content-based ad targeting…

…can produce some amusing unintentional results:

Amusing Google ad

Oh, juxtaposition! How you entertain me!

Also, when anyone is allowed to write text ad content, there can be some disturbing results:

Disturbing Google ad

“Teach AIDS”??

And more verbal masturbation

I amuse myself with my own archives. Here’s what I was ranting about three years ago.