Being Amber Rhea

I was trying to fit this into my previous post on the topic but couldn’t find a way to work it in. Anyway, I want to address something Nikki said a while ago.

I guess my point is that some people have a valid, personal reason for not feeling like it’s all that and a bag of chips to have every detail of their personal lives on the internet. I don’t mind if anyone else does, but maybe it’s not for me. I realize what probably sets my take on it apart from some of these people is that I’m not *judging* anyone for having 100-0% of their lives online, I just understand why I make the choice *I* make, without feeling like it’s incumbent upon me to force it on someone else.

Read her full comment here.

I want to respond to her comment because I sincerely hope that throughout all the times I’ve spoken about this issue, it’s been clear that my attitude is actually the same as what she says above. The crux of the matter is not how much or how little you choose to share about yourself online. We all have our own boundaries and set them as we see fit. What matters is that we respect each other’s right to set those boundaries differently.

I was getting very pissed off about this back at BlogSavannah, because when Gennie was leading her session she mentioned that she doesn’t use swear words in front of her son, and some woman in the group kept harping about it and saying she wasn’t “being honest,” because she uses those words on her blog. This woman really pissed me off, because who is she to make that call for Gennie? Get off her back already!

I would never attempt to “force” any degree of personal revelation on someone. That goes against the entire spirit of what I see as the power of blogging. These decisions are for each of us to make, on our own time, in our own spaces.

Believe it or not - and I say this only partially sarcastically - there are things about my life that I do not share online. I am a very private person in the sense that only a few people truly know me, good, bad, ugly, everything. It is very important to me to write openly online and speak my truth; but that does not negate my privacy and the fact that I have boundaries. Personally I don’t think this is such a radical notion, but apparently to a lot of people it is (I mentioned it here, and of course there’s always the whole sex thing with dudes).

Why do we assume that if you choose to share some things about yourself that are traditionally coded as “private” - i.e., ew ick keep it out of public conversation; that’s just not fit for polite company; that might make people uncomfortable; chin up, dearie - then you have nothing left that you keep to yourself or to a small group of friends/family, for whatever reason? And that just as the words you speak to a larger community are yours to share as you see fit, so are your reasons for not speaking about other things yours alone to determine?

Obviously, I think there is tremendous value in people - especially women - defying the traditional rules of what you can and can’t talk about. But only if they want to. If someone feels stifled, then I want them the find the tools and the strength to not feel stifled anymore. As Muriel Rukeyser wrote, “What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.” (I was recently reminded of this excellent quote via a post by AV Flox; eventually I want to write a direct response to that post.) Far too many of us feel stifled, so let’s split open the world one blog at a time - and no, I do not think that’s hyperbole!

In some ways I wish I had gone to the Network Stars Atlanta Seminar Tuesday night. I am impressed that so many people (175!) showed up - once again, just goes to show that Atlanta isn’t some piddly little second-tier place just because we’re not New York or San Francisco. I’ve heard lots of positive reactions about the event. But reading J’s post should make it obvious why I’m glad I didn’t go.

Am I cynical? I don’t know, but it’s just that these are the perennial questions - how much do you reveal? what is “professional?” what are the risks? etc. - and I’ve been in conversations about them too many times to count over the last several years. I feel like a broken record with this stuff - how many times can I say the same thing? Is it worth it to keep saying it? I get irritated with others for not “getting it” and irritated with myself for being so repetitive.

It’s not the fact that the questions keep being raised that irritates me so much; it’s the way in which they are typically presented: very one-sided, with lots of presumptions and suppositions and pre-conceived notions that go unchallenged. As I said to Toby in an email, “I think the ways in which personal and business presence intersect online is a fascinating and relevant topic.” The dynamic during and feedback from my BlogOrlando session shows that presenting this topic as more than just the superficial clichés of “personal vs. professional” encourages some great dialogue and critical thinking. It’s the interpersonal aspect of social media that is so much more interesting to me than “how do you position yourself in the market” and “how do you install WordPress.” They call it social media for a reason, after all.

As for Geoff Livingston, one thing that really annoys me about getting into it with people like him is that we inevitably end up talking about two different things. He’s over there at J’s blog saying he’s a private business owner and he’s allowed to run his business however he wants. Well, duh! Nobody is saying he doesn’t have the right to run his business how he wants! I don’t know where anybody has ever said that. What a lot of people are saying, though, is that hey, maybe that’s not the best way to run your business, and it might be worth considering other options, because you might be shooting yourself in the foot.

Maybe I shouldn’t have left that snarky* comment toward him at J’s blog, but I just couldn’t help myself, and who cares anyway? It’s not like he’s going to consider me an “equal” in any sense of the word anyway - I have POLE DANCING PHOTOS and TALK ABOUT SEXUALITY and USE THE F-WORD, for heaven’s sake! (Shades of Dave Mastio.) Toby had graciously attempted to introduce us via email, after I inquired about who spearheaded the Tuesday night event and whether they might be interested in presenting my defunct BlogHer Atlanta panel topic. I doubt I’ll get a response or that he would be interested, so it’ s not like I’m “burning a bridge” or anything. I’m used to that kind of preemptive dismissal by now, after nearly seven years of blogging. It never ceases to dishearten me, though.

I absolutely agree with Ellie that my panel topic needs to be presented in a space that is not already coded as sex-positive. That’s how real shifts in perspective happen - getting outside the echo chamber (a term I don’t like, but I’m writing this quickly), engaging with people and presenting them with viewpoints they might not have previously considered. That’s what was so great about my BlogOrlando session.

So, I’m still looking for a space - or spaces, plural! - for that discussion. But if I don’t find it, I’ll just keep doing what I’ve always done: make my own space. One of the greatest, most transgressive powers of social media, after all, is that we can all speak our truths with our own voices and not be beholden to someone controlling, with an iron fist or a red pen, what we can and cannot say.

* Aside: did you know that “snark” is a contraction of “snide” and “remark?” I recently found that out. Makes total sense!

Just throwing it back out there.

The “Naked” Blogging Double Standard
At just about every BlogHer event we end up discussing the ramifications of “naked” blogging; that is, blogging your true self. Blogging’s low barrier to entry has provided a platform for everyone, and particularly women, to tell our own stories, to create a more diverse cultural record than has been historically typical, and to own our experiences and how transparently we choose to share those experiences. Every blogger draws their boundaries differently. In a survey BlogHer conducted a couple of years ago bloggers indicated that it was more taboo to discuss finances on their blog than sex! But, let’s get real: Really? We’re not sure we’re buying it. Is anyone else out there blown away by how much conflict the issues of gender, sex and sexuality (and society’s expectations of how women “should” behave) still stir up… and by how much judgment is still thrown at women who ignore the admonishment that “nice girls don’t?”

Every year at BlogHer the debate rages: Can we talk about shoes and still be taken seriously? Well, let’s take it a step further: Can women talk openly about sex and still be taken seriously? And is it different for men? Women certainly don’t agree on the answer, so you can be sure the answer is even more unclear in segments of society, industry and the blogosphere that are more male-dominated. How do we challenge that status quo - and support women in their choices, even when they might not be our choices? Join Amber Rhea, one of the women leading the charge for change, in a frank discussion designed to expose the naked blogging double standard and challenge our preconceived notions of what it means to be taken seriously.

Sad because today would have been BlogHer Atlanta.

—

Also, what a mixed bag it’s been today. Felt like a rockstar at work. But now… I don’t know, I think things from my past are haunting me. Or something. I just hope everything turns out alright. Sometimes I still can’t trust myself.

I was really happy to be able to go to BlogOrlando this weekend. Josh Hallett once again put on an amazing event (I say “once again” even though this was my first time going; but based on reports I’ve heard from people who went the previous two years, I feel justified in saying that!) and it was a great success.

I was nervous but also excited about my session. It ended up going really well - although I was very upset with myself because I forgot to bring the recorder, so I couldn’t record it for a podcast!! The room was full and we had a great discussion. I easily fell right back into “teacher mode” from when I used to be a TA in grad school; and you know, I really do like doing stuff like that!

The one thing that came out of my session was (as I predicted) we don’t have a clear definition of what is meant by the word “professional” when talking about blogs and social media. Everyone has their own conception of what that word means. To illustrate, here’s a photo of the whiteboard from my session; I started with an exercise where I had people shout out words/phrases that characterize a professional blog, and then words/phrases that characterize an unprofessional blog.

You’ll notice that some of the things in these lists contradict each other, and that’s exactly the point. One that I found very interesting was ‘lots of pictures’ under the Unprofessional heading; my response to the person who said it was something like, “That really depends on the type of blog we’re talking about, right? For a photography blog, lots of pictures would be appropriate, expected, and professional.”

After deconstructing what some of these words mean - e.g., it’s not okay to just use “credibility” as a qualifier for professional, because that’s another word that doesn’t have a common, accepted definition, so we need to define it, too! - I started presenting some examples. I mentioned a small business owner who wrote a post about her thoughts on the election, and asked what people thought of that. Two very interesting responses were shouted out at the same time. One person said it’s okay to write about her political views if she articulates what she means well. Another said it’s okay as long as it’s nothing too radical.

(Of course, you can imagine where I went with that: what is “too radical?” That’s subjective too.)

The two opinions diverged on what really mattered.

Later in the day, Nik Wilets and I were discussing how this was all very interesting because, we both agreed, to us professional/unprofessional has more to do with conduct - e.g., are you consistently late for meetings with clients, are you unprepared for meetings, etc.

Take-away: “Professional” is one of those words where someone says it and ten different people hear ten different things.

Other buzzwords:

• Credibility
• Monetization
• Non-starter
• Thought leader
• Personal brand - this term really creeps me out

Also:

And then in the afternoon, there was the Online Identity session… but I really don’t feel like writing about that right now. (Read the liveblog to get the gist of why; also, Dacia joined in the chat, which made it more bearable.) Maybe later. :\

Hey, guess what? I’m hosting a panel at BlogHer Atlanta! Here’s the description:

The “Naked” Blogging Double Standard
At just about every BlogHer event we end up discussing the ramifications of “naked” blogging; that is, blogging your true self. Blogging’s low barrier to entry has provided a platform for everyone, and particularly women, to tell our own stories, to create a more diverse cultural record than has been historically typical, and to own our experiences and how transparently we choose to share those experiences. Every blogger draws their boundaries differently. In a survey BlogHer conducted a couple of years ago bloggers indicated that it was more taboo to discuss finances on their blog than sex! But, let’s get real: Really? We’re not sure we’re buying it. Is anyone else out there blown away by how much conflict the issues of gender, sex and sexuality (and society’s expectations of how women “should” behave) still stir up… and by how much judgment is still thrown at women who ignore the admonishment that “nice girls don’t?”

Every year at BlogHer the debate rages: Can we talk about shoes and still be taken seriously? Well, let’s take it a step further: Can women talk openly about sex and still be taken seriously? And is it different for men? Women certainly don’t agree on the answer, so you can be sure the answer is even more unclear in segments of society, industry and the blogosphere that are more male-dominated. How do we challenge that status quo - and support women in their choices, even when they might not be our choices? Join Amber Rhea, one of the women leading the charge for change, in a frank discussion designed to expose the naked blogging double standard and challenge our preconceived notions of what it means to be taken seriously.

Many thanks to super-cool Elisa for giving me this opportunity. (Gee, do I sound like I’m accepting any Emmy or something?) I hope you folks reading this will come and help make it an interesting panel. (I resisted the urge to say, sarcastically, “join the conversation.”) You can register for BlogHer Atlanta here. And here’s the run-down of what the BlogHer Reach Out Tour is all about, if you’re too lazy to click through:

BlogHer’s Reach Out Tour:
Register now for BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08!

When?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Where?
Georgia Tech Hotel & Conference Center
800 Spring St NW
Atlanta, Georgia 30308
404.347.9440

What is BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08 About?
For the first time ever, BlogHer is launching a two-week tour, bringing highlights from the annual event to six different cities. Each of these one-day conferences will feature a broad range of topics and speakers, a cocktail reception for networking and socializing, and a little bit of local flavor. We’ll be focusing on topics that seem to resonate strongest in each city, and looking for your local bloggers to lead the discussions.

BlogHer ATLANTA is the fifth stop on the six-city Reach Out Tour, and we’re looking forward to spending time with the many and varied “Hotlanta” bloggers. Details about the agenda, speakers, and sponsors coming soon. In the meantime, please sign up to receive the BlogHer Conference Newsletter and get announcements as they happen. Or sign up to receive our Conference RSS feed.

Who Should Attend?
BlogHer is open to anyone and everyone who considers themselves part of the blogosphere, and is particularly focused on highlighting the skills and talents of women who blog. All ages, ethnicities, genders, and levels of blogging experience are encouraged to attend.

Additional Info:

• Every stop on the tour will feature a track specifically designed for new and beginning bloggers.
• The cocktail reception will take place on-site at the hotel.
• If you’re thinking about bringing your partner, spouse, or kids — great! If your partner is not interested in attending the programming with you but would like to join us for the cocktail parties, that ticketing option is available.

Fees:
BlogHer ATLANTA ‘08 costs $100 for the full day, and this includes admission to the cocktail reception.

BlogHer will be staying on-site at the Georgia Tech Hotel and Conference center. If you’re interested in staying there as well, please call (800) 838-2060. Please note: We do not have a BlogHer group rate available at this venue.

Note: You will not be required to enter any billing information before you’ve had an opportunity to review and select from the various registration options; however, BlogHer cannot issue refunds.

About BlogHer:
BlogHer has developed one of the most influential communities by, for, about and of women who blog. BlogHer’s mission is to create opportunities for women bloggers to pursue education, exposure, community and economic empowerment through our online platforms and conferences.

More to come… must get back to work now.

melissa:

rkb:

You lose a lot by not being anonymous, and maybe the only thing you gain is the freedom from worrying about being outed. I’m with Melissa in that I’m not sure what Emily wrote is something I necessarily want to avoid. I’m still figuring all this out, and probably always will be. I don’t know that you can ever fully manage your online persona (or offline), because at the end of the day, whether you say everything or nothing or opt for somewhere in between, there will always be haters, there will always be misinterpretations, there will always be someone who’s uncomfortable with what you’ve said.

Also with Rachel here: I want to talk less about “oversharing” and more about the gutter. “Oversharing” has jumped the theoretical shark. In academia, we’d say the term and the way its deployed is overdetermined, but this is the Internet, and so, sharks it is. Chomp. We need better tools to take this thing apart. Using “oversharing” as our analytic lens is like using Gawker commenters to issue a Human Rights Declaration. And what I mean by the “gutter” is what Scott McCloud nailed in Understanding Comics — that we have been trained as readers to fill in the gaps between images (read also: blog posts, Twitter updates, News Feed items). This is where we as readers/users engage a text as authors (little “a,” Barthes bear with me). This is where the people formerly known as the audience get a front seat in our own lives, as writers, producers, creatives, insert overplayed word you’re too scared to apply to yourself and your work here. Plus all the connotations of the gutter are perfect for what we’re really pointing at here: body/bawdy talk, cum and tears, love and loss. Look at the examples Susan and Viviane pulled for their talk: girl, sex, blog.

One thing that really annoyed me at BlogSavannah was when, during the Women and Blogging session, this one woman got soooo incredulous when I was talking about the importance of “putting it out there” - she visibly and audibly guffawed, rolled her eyes, and generally refused to hear what I was saying. (This was also the same woman who accused Gennie of “not being honest” because she doesn’t use certain language in front of her young son, so, you know, consider the source.) Finally I got exasperated and said something like, well, this is important to me; it’s not important to everyone, and you don’t have to “get it,” but there it is, and it’s not going to change anytime soon. (Once we post the audio from that session, you’ll get to hear this in all its absurd glory.)

Anyway, via Sexerati, I found this New York Magazine cover story: Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy. The subhead does a good job of describing the mental roadblock the obnoxious BlogSavannah woman was hitting:

As younger people reveal their private lives on the Internet, the older generation looks on with alarm and misapprehension not seen since the early days of rock and roll. The future belongs to the uninhibited.

One clarification I would add, though, is that although this is often divided along generational lines, it isn’t always the case. Plenty of the people at BlogSavannah who were insisting that anything you say on the Internet is a reflection on your employer were around my age. Basically, I think what it boils down to is, some people get it and others don’t. The “a-ha!” moment comes at different points for different people; and for others, it never comes. But when it does come - hyperbole alert! - it’s a beautiful thing.

One of the arguments against pole dancing/stripping/various & sundry other things as empowering has been that the activity does nothing to fight patriarchal bullshit - and that it even reinforces the institutionalized sexism and gender inequality in our society.

I understand that argument, and on one level it does make sense. I don’t think the people who think that way are crazy or prudish - I get where they’re coming from. But personally? I see it a little differently. I wonder how many of the people who hold the aforementioned prevailing view have considered this:

For me, I see pole dancing, lap dancing, chair dancing, striptease (I’ve taken classes on those, too) to be part of that fight. To me it’s all about dismantling the deeply embedded stereotypes that pervade our culture - a woman can’t be smart and sexy, etc. Or, more specifically: if a woman “flaunts” her sexuality, then she can expect not to be taken seriously in other areas of her life. Suddenly her sexuality precedes all else, and is all that matters.

Why can’t a smart, powerful woman also - for example - pose naked in a magazine / on the internet / etc.? Why do so many people - men and women alike - do a bit of a double-take and seem to not quite comprehend it when they realize I’m a web developer with a Master’s degree, and I also like pole dancing, porn, and tons ‘n’ tons of kinky sex? Why is that such a strange concept?

That is the kind of bullshit that needs to be wiped away, as far as I’m concerned. As Naomi Wolf said: “I am sick of the opposition trying to make me choose between being sexual and serious; and I am sick of being split the same way by victim feminism. I want to be a serious thinker and not have to hide the fact that I have breasts; I want female sexuality to accompany, rather than undermine, female political power.” (I don’t particularly like her use of the term ‘victim feminism’ but overall that quote captures my sentiments exactly.)

Wonderful thread going on at Bitch | Lab about what has drawn people to sex-positive feminism. Everyone is sharing their individual stories in the comments, and it’s making me all happy and excited and wanting to sing Kumbaya. It’s especially awesome because a lot of men are sharing their stories; just goes to show that you don’t have to be female to identify as feminist or sex-positive or both. (Of course, I feel like that point should be fairly obvious, but… I won’t go off on a tangent.)

I intend to write more (oh, much more!) about this topic at some point… maybe even this weekend, if I have time. For now, though, here’s a quote from Josh Jasper, in the comments, that really resonated with me:

I like the sexual side of me. I like what I’ve done with it. I like the sense of subversion that comes with co-opting something traditionally sexist, and making it into something liberating and celebrating about sexuality. Owning my own sexuality is important. Struggling against people who tell me what I must do with it is also important, and there are a lot of them out there.

Yes, yes, a million times, yes!

I feel inspired.

More to come, eventually. On tap for this weekend: brunch at Radial; birthday party/football watching; chocolate-chip pancakes; hanging out with a hippie with a guitar; paying the tax man.

So, apparently a programmer was fired from Friendster, and the reason given was blogging. I am very tempted to cancel my Friendster account. This is utterly ridiculous.

I originally read about it here. I didn’t have any comments at first, but after this ludicrous comment, I couldn’t stop myself. There are 2 main issues that stick in my craw with that comment: 1) the key phrase is “I have not read the particular offending entries…” Yeah. So go do that before you make an ass of yourself with your broad, sweeping generalizations. 2) Obviously I understand that companies have a right to protect themselves against libel and slander and public revelation of non-public company information, etc. It’s just that I don’t see any of those things happening in this case. Go read the “offending entries”. They’re about as bland as you can get.

Now that usage of the internet is so widespread, there are new and unforeseen problems and conflicts arising all the time. Don’t get me wrong; I think the growth and increasing permeance of the internet is a good thing. Of course, so do greedy corprate-types, but for different reasons. I still believe in the original intent of the Web (I was going to say, “I still believe in the original intent of the internet, but let us not forget that originally, way back when, the internet started as a DOD project [but was soon absorbed by academia, of course]), as stated by its inventor:

The dream behind the Web is of a common information space in which we communicate by sharing information. Its universality is essential: the fact that a hypertext link can point to anything, be it personal, local or global, be it draft or highly polished. There was a second part of the dream, too, dependent on the Web being so generally used that it became a realistic mirror (or in fact the primary embodiment) of the ways in which we work and play and socialize. That was that once the state of our interactions was on line, we could then use computers to help us analyze it, make sense of what we are doing, where we individually fit in, and how we can better work together. (More)

Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not some Luddite saying the Web shouldn’t be used by corporations for business or a way to make money. Of course it should, that’s the natural progression of things, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just… argh, I can’t think of the best way to say what I mean… well, I think this guy said it best when he said, “Just like the music, art, and film industries, capitalism (and those quality traits its worshippers appreciate) is going to squat and take a giant shit on the world of bloggers, too.”

Back in the day, before everybody and their grandma was buying an HP Pavilion at Wal-Mart and getting 1 million hours of free AOL, the internet was the domain mainly of a rebellious underground, a counter-culture if you will. (Groan… did I really just use “counter-culture” and “if you will” in the same sentence?) Its inhabitants were, for the most part, idealistic, anti-establishment innovators who sought to tear down the restrictive walls and limits imposed by capitalism and greed… they believe that the internet could help make the world a better place. Inevitably, more and more corporate types stared hopping on the bandwagon, and the whole thing became a little less magical and free-spirited. Laws governing things like “intellectual property” began to pop up. The free spirits are still there, and always will be, but now they are having to fight tooth and nail against… well, people who would fire you for blogging.

Like I said before, I understand the need for laws against slander, libel, etc., even the need for confidentiality agreements. But fundamentally, don’t we have free speech on the internet anymore, on our personal web sites? Isn’t that one of the things its users have held dear since way back when?

JP (the woman who was fired) didn’t say anything bad about Friendster. But, furthermore, what if she had? So what? Can we no longer express opinions? I hate feeling now like I have to be careful of even mentioning in my blog that I work at WebMD. I guess The Man will always be bringin’ us down, and the only [relatively] safe place to rant about whatever the hell you want is an old-fashioned paper journal.

(Note: this was written stream-of-consciousness, in a sleep-deprived state to boot. If I were to spend more time working on it and revising it, as if I were still in college or something, I would have a nice little essay on my hands.)