Being Amber Rhea

Monday stuff

All day I’ve been writing an epic blog post in my head, and now that I’m sitting here at the computer screen with a bit of time on my hands, I’m having performance anxiety. :P

~*~

This morning on the way to work, Rusty and I stopped at LottaFrutta. We drive by there every morning and always say we should go, and I’ve read nothing but good things about the place, so this morning we made a point to finally go. And it was awesome!! I’ve definitely found my new favorite place in Atlanta. I’m still thinking about the fruit cup with yogurt and granola I had this morning. There just aren’t many places where you can get really good, fresh fruit quickly and for a reasonable price – and certainly not at this quality! I chatted with the owner for a minute before we left, and she said that’s exactly why she opened the place – to fulfill what she was looking for and could only get all the way out on Buford Highway.

Before we went inside, when we got out of the car and were walking down the street, it just felt like one of those perfect moments. A beautiful day and I was with Rusty and everything was great. We watched some mockingbirds scuffle over a bite of food. Sometimes I think it would be great to live in that neighborhood, but I love our house and I know I can enjoy all the different parts of Atlanta without actually having to live there. But ever since the first time I went to Cabbagetown in 2005, I’ve just had a special feeling for that part of town. Of course, being with the person I love helps as well. And I think part of it is, some moments bring back a feeling from early 2005, when I hadn’t been in Atlanta long and was discovering lots of its treasures, but had been here long enough that I’d gotten past a lot of the rough stuff from 2004. I love it when I can recapture that feeling. I want to maximize those times and that feeling.

Back to Lottafrutta – in one corner, there was an “Energy Lemon” and I had to take a picture of it. The owner caught me in the act and was giving me a funny look, and I said, “I had to take a picture of your energy lemon.” She said, “That’s okay,” and I wondered if I’d committed a cultural faux pas. Probably not, but you never know.

~*~

Saturday was our housewarming party and it was a success. My mom was up for the weekend and had a good time. I’m still thinking about the delicious deviled eggs we made, and I think I’m going to make deviled eggs out of the 6 eggs leftover from the various cooking endeavors.

We definitely want to have people over fairly often – why not take advantage of our wonderful deck, back yard, and grill? But next time, people need to not leave the back door open! I get eaten up by mosquitoes enough as it is, even with mosquito repellent on and citranella candles and torches all around – I don’t need them inside the house, too! (And I don’t even want to talk about what would happen if a cockroach were to come inside. I would FLIP THE FUCK OUT, because that shit is NOT ON.) I will say, though, that even though they blatantly ripped off the WebMD logo, this BiteMD stuff does help after the fact.

At the party, Nikki pointed out that we have two pine trees in the back yard that are perfectly spaced to accommodate a hammock. As far as I’m concerned, this is going to become a top priority.

Sara’s Coca-Cola cupcakes were amazing, and she has posted the recipe on her blog.

My mom took a bunch of pictures and I still need to get them off my camera. I’m going to finally upgrade our DSL speed sometime this week after my most recent payment goes through, so after that, it shouldn’t be such an ordeal to upload pictures to Flickr. So, I don’t yet have pictures of the party to post, but I do have a picture of me with a weed that was taller than I am:

It grew in about 6 weeks in a corner of our back yard.

~*~

The woman who did the renovation on our house (I would say “the seller,” but since we bought it in January, that seems a little dated now) came to the party, and she was telling me all about what the house looked like when she bought it (mostly because I kept prodding her with questions). I find it fascinating. I asked if she would send me “before” pictures, and she was reluctant, saying that usually when people see the before pictures, they like their house less. I find that really bizarre. If anything, I would think it would make someone like their nice renovated house more. My mom told her I was used to it because I grew up w/ parents who renovated houses, so I saw the whole process. That seemed to make her feel better about it. I need to email her a reminder. Anyway, one of the things she said was that they built out the dining room onto what used to be part of the porch. (They did a fabulous job with the floor, because you cannot tell AT ALL where the original hardwoods end and the new hardwoods begin.) That would mean the original dining area was tiny! Barely enough room to fit any kind of table, much less one that would comfortably seat four people. She also said there was a door from the kitchen into the middle bedroom (what we made our bedroom). Trying to picture everything, it seems like this was a really weird house.

I’ll post the before pictures when I get them. For now, Google Maps shows a blurry version of the house in its pre-renovation state, and the porch does indeed wrap around:

I’m glad they got rid of that big stupid shrub in front of the living room window.

~*~

Speaking of things you can see on Google Maps…

Here’s the aerial view of where my birthday photo shoot took place:

Street names are cropped out since there seems to be some sort of urban explorers’ code of ethics in that regard, although if you really want to know where it is, it’s not exactly hard to find out.

You can track the path of a utility easement for as long as there are treetops to be cut away to accommodate its presence. I followed it for probably longer than I should admit.

And one of the places I followed it to was this, in Clayton County. What the hell is this?? It looks disgusting!

I can only assume (hope?) that it’s a sewage treatment plant or some other waste water facility?

Back in Dekalb, there’s what appears to be a giant dirt lot, right beside “Lake Charlotte,” which appears not to have any water. Or maybe the dirt lot is the former lake?

Shifting gears, Google Maps also has a (blurry, not so great) pictures of an early 1960s condo building that I love, and that I fear might not be long for this world, given all the development going on in that area. Here’s Brookwood Forrest:

One of the condos is for sale – $85,000 will get you a 2/1 in a prime location. Parquet flooring has never endeared itself to me, but I could deal…

Besides, look at those original features in the bathroom!!

I’m dying to see what the kitchen and bathrooms looked like in our house prior to the renovation.

Here’s another condo building I love, this one built in 1950 according to the MLS Listing where I got the following photos. This building is on 26th St., right behind the Mellow Mushroom where we used to play trivia. Every time we would go to trivia I’d see the place and think what a cool building it is.

If I were single and buying a place by myself, these are the kinds of places I would have given serious consideration.

I used to not much care for 50s and 60s architecture, but in the past several years it has grown on me. Sure, some of it is crap; but there’s also a lot of really neat stuff. I think my resentment toward the “urban renewal” from which many buildings of that era were borne colored my perception and made me not able to appreciate the unique features in those buildings. It’s not the buildings’ fault that they replaced something older and probably very cool in its own right. And it doesn’t mean we should continue the cycle of knocking it all down and starting over every ~30 years or so.

~*~

I’m going to wrap this up and keep this post relatively upbeat. This is only a smidgen of everything that’s been typing itself out in my head all day long. I don’t have the energy right now to write a screed about why I’m annoyed with pretty much everybody in my former feminist Blogdonia haunts, not to mention the bullshit happening on Tumblr right now. And I feel like I should save my post about my constant underlying fear of Something Very Bad Happening for another day. (The truth is, I’m scared to write it at all.)

Freewriting on privilege, class, inaccurate words, and frustration

Still so much I want to say about class and privilege and the feminist blogosphere… but no idea where to jump in or how to structure my thoughts.

Here’s a great post from the Feministing community area, by someone called Okra, that really illustrates the trap that the thread about Courtney was falling into. All Courtney’s critics were calling out her “privilege” but really what they meant was not privilege as we, activists, understand it. And we should know better, and be much better at avoiding falling into this trap. But apparently we’re not, because I see it all the time.

Privilege isn’t a personal failing. It’s not a character flaw. It’s not something you can renounce. It’s something granted to you by society. You don’t choose it. The term “unearned privilege,” which is used so much in these recent threads, is nonsensical, because privilege by definition is unearned. If we’re talking about something that was earned, then it’s not privilege.

Privilege is something you have to be aware of. Someone pointing it out is not a personal attack. It doesn’t make sense to take it personally when someone points out privilege.

We are all largely blind to our privilege; that’s the point. What we can do is work at becoming less blind to it. We don’t think there’s anything there at all because we don’t have to know what life is like in its absence! Example of privilege in action: a few years ago, a woman at work said, “I was dating someone [blah blah blah]…” and I replied with a question, “Did he [whatever else I said]…?” And the woman corrected me: “She.”

I wanted to kick myself – and I apologized. That was heteronormativity in action, straight privilege. Straight until proven gay… opposite sex as the assumed default partner.

I could’ve gotten bent out of shape and fallen all over myself to say I didn’t mean it… but who gives a shit? That would make me an asshole. Because it’s not about me. And intent doesn’t matter.

This is why I am consistently gobsmacked – though not really surprised, because it happens so often and is so damn predictable – when people have a conniption fit when someone says, “Hey, that was a racist remark” or “that was sexist” or “that was ableist” or whatever. And if anyone uses the P-word, they assume… well, what Okra said:

Do we have a better word than privilege? All words have multiple layers, but the potential for misunderstanding seems especially pernicious with “privilege,” which prompts a hearty “Not me!” from many members of the population. The idea of social privilege is far more subtle than its more popular meaning of pampered Rockefeller-type.

You acknowledge your privilege. You strive to be more mindful of it, and of the fact that not everyone is like you. You recognize that you’ll probably fuck up again, but you work to try not to. Because, of course, apologies are worthless if your behavior never changes.

But what’s been going down w/ Courtney isn’t, for the most part, people “pointing out privilege.” No, instead a lot of people are using that word because they know it’s loaded, they know how much of a hot button it is in the feminist blogosphere, and they probably surmise that it can be a way to say all kinds of assholish things and not be called out for being an asshole. Because, hey, they’re just calling out privilege. (Incidentally, it’s exactly this sort of thing that got me ousted from the walled garden a little over a year ago. Woe, I say!)

What’s tough is that we don’t have (or at least I don’t know of) clear language to talk about class that doesn’t at some point co-opt the word “privilege” and turn it into meaning “living a life of relative economic luxury.” There is such a thing as class privilege but I think many of us – myself definitely included – have gotten too lazy with that term, throwing it around when we can’t think of anything more appropriate.

But this goes back to what I said the other day; I’m getting more adept at it little by little, and finding Bitch|Lab a few years back was an epiphany; but I still largely lack the words to talk about my experiences with class. I firmly believe this is due in large part to Americans wanting to believe, with all our heart, that we live in a classless society, and doing whatever possible to uphold that fantasy – to the point where we can’t even talk about the reality because, well, how would we start? What are the words?

Basically, I’m sick of a lot of this shit. I’m sick of the hypocritical self-identified progressives, who cloak their own insecurities and fears in “calling out privilege” and “anti-oppression work.” I know how abusers manipulate and this looks all too familiar. I know that might seem over-the-top, but keep in mind I’m not equating stupid online drama with abuse, but saying, well, the patterns of behavior are damn familiar.

People make themselves look like idiots when they say things like, Jessica Valenti lives in a ritzy NYC apartment. What planet are they on?? Seriously, I wish somebody would explain to me on what planet freelance writers are living a life of ease and luxury, reclining on a daybed eating grapes and perhaps enjoying a mid-day mimosa. Yeah, having no health insurance is real glamourous. Having to constantly shop yourself around for one-off jobs that pay peanuts is real glamourous. Not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from or if you’ll make rent that month… the height of glamour.

I wish people would pull their heads out of their asses!

I’m sick of the constant policing of each other (which I refuse to partake in, but I’m talking about what I see others doing), of who gets to speak and who doesn’t, the hierarchy of who’s the most oppressed; yes, the Oppression Olympics. Just look how stupid it got on this thread. I have to be at work by 8:30! Oh yeah, I have to be there by 8:00! I make $15,000 a year – how low is YOUR salary, so I can make a judgment about how hard you do or don’t work??!! I bust my ass!! Oh yeah??

But I sure as hell can’t go in the other direction, because shit like this keeps happening, and if I have to read bullshit like “I don’t think I’ve ever found myself prejudiced against someone based on the colour of their skin, and I would certainly never put prejudicial thoughts into action” one more time I’m going to bang my head against a wall. It’s why I can’t read mainstream political blogs. Forget trying to call out sexism… it’s rampant… and no one does a damn thing, and if you say something, you’re a shrill militant ball-busting feminazi. Yeah, no thanks. How often have I been among mainstream political advocacy groups and felt beyond uncomfortable… where my brain was repeating, “Get out, get out, get out” because the moment you dare to present a different perspective, center gender, race, anything but white male straight cisgendered middle-class status quo, you’re ATTACKED. And issues such as sex workers’ rights and reproductive justice are certainly not discussed, because they’re not the IMPORTANT issues, like the war in Iraq and illegal wire-tapping. That’s what MATTERS, now shut up, little lady! Oh, and to the non-upper-middle-class among us: get a job, hippie!

Fuck THAT, too!

But I’m a capitalist, and as such, a lot of “activists” irritate me and I feel alienated. Certainly they are under no obligation to include me; I’m simply stating my experience. But the constant tearing down of anyone who happens to have a moment of success is getting real old. The feminist blogosphere in particular seems so intent on self-flagellating at every turn (as Apostate mentioned a while back), and including anything and everything so that we’ve diluted what truly is a feminist issue, and I just have no patience for it. Plus there are a lot of people talking out of their asses about shit they don’t know enough about, and everyone’s supposed to listen because they’re “not privileged” – even though we ALL are, in different ways, because privilege is a matrix, not a linear quantitative measuring system.

This post was just the latest last straw (yes, yes, I know!) and I’m so irritated I don’t know what to say about it specifically. Maybe I’ll come back to it later and try to make some sense. In the meantime, Octogalore has a good post.

But I know this: there’s a hell of a lot of conflation of “class” and “privilege” and “your life isn’t like mine and even though I don’t know shit about it, I’m assuming it must be way better” going on. I’ll never forget what Bitch|Lab said a while back: Class is not a sweater you take on and off. And I think that’s another thing people forget. You might be “middle class” now, in terms of income and net worth, but your background will forever color your perceptions of the world. You will understand things that people from comparatively comfortable backgrounds will not. It doesn’t make you automatically right about everything; but it means you have a way of approaching things that can’t be separated from what you know. Daisy called it class consciousness and I guess that’s it; and guess what else? Everyone’s interpretation of it will vary, too.

But some people seem to twist “class consciousness” into a persecution complex, and that, I have no time for.

Sundries

(Am I the only one who always reads “sundries” as “sun-dries,” like the plural for sun-dried tomatoes?)

Been busy w/ work and the new house. Hate saying something like that because it sounds so cliché, and also because I hate when people use “I’m busy” as a go-to excuse for everything. Hello, everyone is busy, it’s nothing special.

Anyway, here are some summaries of what’s been happening.

~*~

Monday I went to the Feminism2.0 conference in Washington, DC, with Ren. The subject matter and issues discussed were not new to me, but overall it was interesting and I’m glad I went. I liveblogged the following sessions:

• Feminism on the Move – Where we were and where are we now?
• Media and Culture: Feminists and the Media – Speaking Out
• Bloggers and Activists: An Intimate and Frank Conversation

I also posted a few photos on Flickr, many of which show the linkfluence node map thingy that was blowing everyone’s mind. I thought the top 30 list was pretty neat – and that’s all. Such things should be taken with the appropriate serving of salt. Or to put it another way, Technorati rankings are not character judgments.

Predictably, there are now conversations ensuing about who was “excluded,” and it’s driving me batty. I really try not to get all “snarky tech geek” on people, but this isn’t an issue of exclusion/inclusion. And honestly at this point it seems like there’s no pleasing some people. As I said at Renee’s, if WOC bloggers are not highly ranked by algorithms like that, it’s likely because of a lack of interlinking, which may happen because WOC bloggers feel that other feminist blogs are hostile environments and therefore don’t link to them. This is not condoning anything, it’s a straightforward explanation. Example: if you make your blog private, it’s not indexed by Google. That’s just the way the internet works.

Frankly, I’m sick of these conversations because they always seem to be Oppression Olympics and too often it seems like people who don’t understand the way SEO works are making outrageous, spurious claims. And more and more, I get a sense of people not wanting to be proactive, but rather just passively snarking about how everything is so unfair.

And I hate that saying that makes me sound (to some, perhaps) like the assholes who deny that privilege exists; the people who, when someone points out an instance of white privilege, male privilege, hetero privilege, whatever, take it as a personal attack. I can’t STAND those people! I hate that there seems to be such a dichotomy set up, though, that you can’t have a legitimate critique with being painted as identical to those people. And I’m afraid it will make people not listen to me when I raise legitimate critiques (e.g., exclusion of sex workers’ voices; myriad instances of male privilege and institutionalized sexism, especially the “unintentional” kind). -Of course, the corollary to that is, if people can’t make a distinction between a legitimate critique and passive snarking, that’s their problem; but we all know that common sense is not so common.

~*~

SoCon09 is tomorrow. I’m glad Rusty and I are going this year; we went in 2007, but missed it last year in favor of going to PodCamp Nashville. That turned out to be a mistake, because PodCamp Nashville sucked. We still had fun in Nashville and the rest of the road trip, but seeing all the tweets and liveblogs from SoCon08 made us realize we’d chosen the wrong unconference for that weekend!

I’m leading a session tomorrow called “Online Etiquette: How to Balance Your Personal and Professional Image Online.” I didn’t pick the name. The session was already named and Sherry “assigned” it to me. I would not have used the word “etiquette” in this context, because to me that belongs in a completely separate discussion, and I’m bothered by the way the two are often conflated. But, I plan to bring that up in the session! Hopefully there will be some good discussion generated (and hopefully I won’t end up with a massive headache). If it’s anything like my BlogOrlando session, I’ll be pleased.

And, I have an order in at Office Depot for 80 more Buzzword Bingo cards. Josh initially prodded me; J motivated me and offered to chip in to help pay for them! Nik offered twenty bucks, too. So I’ll give the people what they want! There won’t be a formal game or anything, but it’ll be interesting to see how many Bingos people get throughout the day. ;)

~*~

Progress is being made (how ’bout that passive voice!) on the bedroom at the new house. The first coat of paint is complete and we’ll be putting the second coat on this weekend.

I feel like we’ve been very fortunate w/ this whole home-buying process. Everyone has been very nice to us. We’ve gotten gifts, for crying out loud!

From Stacia, our agent:

She also gave us two types of birdseed, a card, and a Lowe’s gift card.

The home inspection company made postcards with a picture of the house, the address, and “Just Moved” on them; and return address labels with a picture of the house.

Last weekend, we discovered champagne and chocolates in the fridge, from the seller:

And last night, when I went over to the house there was a package on the doorstep…

It was from the listing agent. It’s a stained-glass bird!

The bird is actually their logo, but it doesn’t look like a logo. (Rusty and I have discussed how this is very smart marketing.) They gave one to the seller at the closing, and I guess after finding out that we’re “bird people” they decided to give one to us, too. It was a really nice surprise.

On a geeky note, I should mention that I uploaded some of the closing pictures to Facebook, and immediately friend requested and tagged most of the people in this group shot.

~*~

New favorite recipe: Macaroni and Cheese with Cauliflower, from Real Simple Magazine. It’s really more of a casserole. Rusty was skeptical at first, but after he made it, all the skepticism was gone. It makes enough to feed a small army. After we ate a bunch of it the first night (photo is of my first serving only), we made six individually packaged portions and put them in the freezer. We ate the last of it yesterday. Maybe we’ll make some for our eventual housewarming party.

~*~

Not sure if I ever blogged about this, but Rusty posted a really fascinating interview with his great-aunt Jane, who was working at Grady Hospital the night of the Winecoff Hotel fire in 1946. She ended up taking in almost all of the bodies at the morgue. This is the kind of priceless history that is imperative to preserve.

After watching the video a few times, I had a dream that I was in the Winecoff Hotel fire, only it was happening now, and I knew in advance what would happen, and there was a social media conference going on at the Winecoff (Tessa and other Atlanta social media people were there), and I kept trying to convince the people on the upper levels to get out now because the fire was slowly coming up the building and I knew the people on the higher levels wouldn’t be able to escape, but they were all nonchalant and ignored me.

~*~

Am I becoming old and boring because I post about things like recipes and painting the bedroom of the house my long-term partner and I just bought? Hey, at least I’m not posting photos of my kids and blogging about the cute things they did today. Stop me if I ever get to that point! (Probably moot because I don’t plan to have kids – but of course, I reserve the right to change my mind.)

More Saturday night stuff (complete withOUT proofreading)

Woo! Time for another packed-full-of-too-much-stuff, non-SEO-friendly, old-school-blogging post!

Speaking of SEO, Rusty and I were talking yesterday about how everyone wants high search engine rankings, and they’ll invest in all the whiz-bang SEO stuff but they won’t do the one thing that really matters: making sure anyone else knows their site exists so they’ll get some incoming links. Is that ironic? Or just unfortunate?

And that reminds of me of the scene in Reality Bites where Winona Ryder’s character (a journalism major who was valedictorian of her class) is asked, at a job interview, to define irony, and she stumbles over her words and can’t come up with a definition. Then she goes home and tells Ethan Hawke’s character what happened and complains that no one can define irony anyway, and he immediately defines it as when the actual meaning is the opposite of the literal meaning. When I first saw the movie, I remember thinking that that definition sounded awfully fancy, but when you think about it, it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. Now, searching webster.com, I see they include the same definition:

Main Entry: iro·ny
Pronunciation: \ˈī-rə-nē also ˈī(-ə)r-nē\

Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural iro·nies
Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirōnia, from eirōn dissembler
Date: 1502

1: a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b: a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c: an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1): incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2): an event or result marked by such incongruity b: incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony tragic irony

To me it seems like 3a is the definition that makes the most sense.

~*~

But enough of that. The big news is, re: the house… we are officially under contract!! We have binding agreement as of Thursday. This morning, we had our home inspection, termite inspection, mold test (will get results by Tuesday), and appraisal. The appraiser was so stereotypical. He struck me as someone out of a 1960s movie. But he was apparently impressed enough with the house to actually speak to us and say as much. Ha! As for the home inspection, it went well. The inspector found a few issues (naturally), but most of them are small things that the workers should have done in the first place during the renovation.

Now that I’m not quite as nervous about jinxing the sale, I’ll post a few more photos:

There’s also an old wooden swingset in the backyard that’s super cool.

I’m so excited! Thank you to everyone who has @’ed or DM’ed on Twitter about the house. I really need to write emails to people. I don’t want to become one of those people who constantly whines on being soooo behind on email, blogs, etc. But I think I’ve reached a tipping point where it’s all getting to be too much to manage. More on that later, though. The point: Thanks for all the well-wishes about the house! I’m going to be a home-owner, holy crap!

~*~

I don’t know how to write about this without upsetting someone, because regardless of my intent I know emotions are (100% understandably) a bit raw right now. Yet I still feel the need to speak, and I admit I’m doing it after Karsh did the hard work of speaking first. Ever since I heard about the vigil at The Standard and the formation of the Facebook group against rising crime in Atlanta, something about it didn’t sit well with me. Karsh articulated it well:

Yes, citizens in Atlanta need to feel safe. But I get the overwhelming perception from people I’ve talked to and read about that because this happened in East Atlanta, things must really be out of hand. I’d disagree with that. What if this happened in Bankhead or East Point or Buckhead? Would the public outrage be this great or this social-media oriented? Why start organizing now? Because it happened at a familiar haunt? I can almost smell a Twitter hashtag forming. (I’m partially kidding about that.)

I don’t disbelieve Maigh’s sentiment, and yet the fact is, we haven’t seen this type/level of outrage over other murders. To me it kind of smells like when I call a guy on sexist behavior and he insists, “I’d treat a man the same way!” Well, we don’t know that for a fact, now do we? And it’s moot anyway, because you haven’t treated a man this way. (Yet another clumsy analogy [I'm all about those lately] but I can’t think of a better one right now.)

Note this is not about accusing individuals of being “racists,” as in, a noun. People always latch onto that kind of thing and it derails discussions, because once again racism is cast as something that individuals perpetrate against other individuals, and you are either “a racist” or you aren’t; rather than racism being acknowledged as the systemic, ingrained, oft-unnoticed (by white people) issue it really is. Oh and if someone didn’t mean something in a racist way then it’s not racist. Except, that’s the entire point.

There are systemic issues here that have to be addressed, and if they’re not addressed, nothing will change. Yes, the cutting of the budget and reduction in police force is part of the problem. But far too many people are either ignorant of, or willfully ignoring, the deeper issue.

I’m sure someone will come over here and comment that I’m being disrespectful of John Henderson’s memory and that it’s not the appropriate time and that I’m just being an asshole. If they do, I understand. As I said, emotions are raw right now, and maybe it’s not the right time – but then, I wonder when the right time will be. I know what it feels like to deal with the loss of someone close to you, and the desire for “rational discourse” on a blog FFS is pretty much priority zero. So I understand and I’m sure I would feel the same way if it were my friend who had been murdered. But I just wanted to say my piece.

~*~

I admit I am a bit annoyed with this discussion of sex-positivity at Ren’s. Obviously I respect Ren’s right to like or dislike any terms, and to identify however she chooses! I get frustrated, though, when sex-positivity is constantly portrayed as meaning “I like sex.” Too many people have taken too many steps to explain why this is not the case for the myth to continue to be put forward. I know it’s a hard one to fight against because the marketing world has co-opted the term and applied it to things like fashion magazines, expensive shoes, and men’s body spray. As I said in the comments at Ren’s:

The sex-positive feminism wikipedia page and sex-positive wikipedia page actually have a much more detailed history of the term than the about.com article. I’m always a bit wary about linking to those pages though, because sometimes they get edited by anti-sex-positive people with an ulterior motive.

Anyway, personally, I’m not interested in debating the meaning of the term. It’s been spelled out pretty clearly in many places. For me, it’s part and parcel of feminism because it centers women’s sexual health and the way women’s sexuality has been pathologized under patriarchy. I provided links in order to help clarify some of the history behind the term; most people are not familiar w/ the history and unfortunately the way we most often hear it now is in the co-opted marketing sense, where it’s been twisted around so that it stands in for “anything vaguely related to sex, at all.” Often it’s applied to things that are completely the *opposite* of true sex-positivity.

Again, for me, I find that the term fits, and I will continue to self-identify as a sex-positive feminist. Everyone else is free to do what they want, of course!

See also my page of sex-positive feminism reference material, especially Queer Dewd’s post from two years ago on the matter. I (or anyone else) will never be able to say it better than she did.

~*~

This has been saved in my Bloglines for weeks, and I’m not sure what I can say about it, because you just need to check it out: $pread’s excellent cultural analysis of anti-trafficking posters. Seriously, read it. And tell me those images aren’t fucked up.

Wednesday

Lots of things on my mind… I suppose I’ll just start writing and keep on until I’m too tired to type. And no proofreading!

~*~

In the “HOLY SHIT I’M AN ADULT” department, Rusty and I put an offer in on a house yesterday. It’s the first one pictured in this post. I haven’t blogged or Twittered about it much because I don’t want to jinx anything, and because I’m freaking out a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is the right decision and all that jazz; but it’s a BIG decision, and a major commitment. Signing a lease is one thing but getting a mortgage, that’s an entirely different level of “you better know what you’re getting into.” It looks like everything is going to work out w/ this house, but still, I appreciate any and all crossed fingers. The next few weeks will be a flurry of activity leading up to closing, and I intend to enjoy all of it! Then, after closing, there will be a flurry of activity leading up to moving in. Followed by a flurry of activity leading up to having the place looking decent enough for a housewarming party!

Priorities before closing: home inspection and termite inspection (duh); figuring out where the furnace is.

Priorities after closing: Security system; Orkin super-dousing because I don’t play around with roaches; personal pole studio; many bird feeders in the backyard.

A REQUEST: Please do not offer any unsolicited real estate “advice” in the comments!

~*~

I love Rachel Maddow. She and Suze Orman are two of my heroes. Initially I found Suze Orman annoying, but that was before I’d ever listened to anything she said – I just thought she was annoying because she seemed to shout so much. Then I realized the shouting is part of what makes her awesome. But, back to Rachel Maddow. How freakin’ cool is she?? However, I don’t like how in this New York Magazine article she says “I’m not very pretty.” Why the self-deprecation? No, she doesn’t conform to the general media-dictated ‘beauty standard’ for women, but so what? There’s no need to cast that as her not being pretty. It really bothers me. She is pretty, but it bugs me that there’s any discussion of it at all, honestly; when would you see a male pundit’s looks being such an issue?

~*~

I love love love this post at Shakesville, about Congress finally switching to gender neutral language. What is absolutely not surprising, of course, is the reaction to this news from a hell of a lot of people – whining that it’s “not important” and the feminists have their hair on fire again, blah blah. This is a perfect example of how privilege works. Inevitably, in every “conversation” like this, some dude will pipe up and say how there’s not some conspiracy against women and why don’t we feminists just shut up already, it’s just language, get over it. Well, first of all, I’m not fooled by anyone trying to lecture me on the way language works – I’ll bust out the learnin’ that earned me my linguistics degree any day of the week. But the main point is: no, OF COURSE there’s not a conspiracy – THAT’S THE POINT. No one is sitting in a smoke-filled room, rubbing their hands together maniacally as they devise ways to oppress women through grammatical rules. No one “means anything by it.” Everytime someone poses this as an “argument” it just makes me roll my eyes, because it’s like hello, you have just PROVEN THE POINT. The question of intent does not figure into this. The fact that it’s normalized, the default, we just accept it, nobody “means anything” by any of it – that is the problem! I can’t tell you how sick I am of people trying to argue intent against someone pointing out privilege in action. It makes me want to beat my head against a wall because they don’t seem to realize that LACK OF INTENT is the point!! If I hear one more person talk about how someone didn’t mean something maliciously, I’m just going to… well, I don’t know what. Beat my head against a brick wall?

Brief note about Old English: the commenter at the Shakesville thread who mentioned wyf and wer as the Old English words for woman and man, and man as the Old English word for human, is correct. The Old English word wyfman, which became woman, literally meant “female person.”

Also, I love the commenter who mentions how you’ll see exactly how big of a deal male-as-unmarked-case language is when you switch the genders and start using “she” as a general-purpose pronoun instead of “he.” It will blow some people’s minds, and some will get REALLY fucking hostile about it. The Regender tool is also a really interesting way of demonstrating how gender stereotypes are encoded in our language.

See also X: A Fabulous Child’s Story. Thanks to Catherine for showing me her original 1970s copy of the book; the illustrations are wonderful!

~*~

As I mentioned yesterday, Caroline has been doing a bang-up job with the UK prostitution law news. I have briefly glanced at the F-Word thread and even left a few comments at the Feministe thread, but for the most part unfortunately I haven’t had time to participate or do much blogging of my own on the issue. But from what I saw at the F-Word thread, it’s all the same bullshit “arguments” that give me a pounding headache. Kudos to Caroline, Ren, Natalia, and others for fighting the good fight; I’ll be back at it once I have some time, I promise. Even though these conversations with the antis feel SO repetitive, I believe it is extremely important to keep having them, because people’s lives are at stake, and if we don’t speak, then the people in power will continue to actively and passively commit violence against sex workers. Being uncomfortable or annoyed is not a justification for permanently disengaging from these issues. Absolutely, everyone must take breaks, because it is vitally important that we take care of ourselves. But that’s why it’s crucial to have many, many people involved in the sex workers’ rights movement, so that there’s always someone there to speak, and so that everyone can properly care for themselves.

Fundamentally, I just don’t get it, with these “arguments.” At the F-Word, for example – how much clearer could Caroline be? It’s not about whether you think sex work is right or wrong. It’s not about how it’s constructed in our society or why it exists or where it comes from. It’s not about wondering whether sex work would still be around after The Revolution. It’s not about discussions of “normalizing” prostitution, questions of whether sex workers can choose their work, debates about what exactly is being sold. IT IS ABOUT SAFETY AND HUMAN RIGHTS. This should not be a source of debate. Feminists should be united on this, completely. It should be a foregone conclusion. That the conversation always drifts back to ideology, what prostitution “means” and that kind of thing, really disgusts me and astounds me. And this constant conflating of sex work and trafficking? STOP, ALREADY!!! This is what Sex in the Public Square held a week-long forum to address, but I guess most of the antis didn’t bother to read that, now did they. The way trafficking is ALWAYS brought into these discussions, such an obvious red herring but one that always leads to derailment, just floors me.

Sigh… Ren, I’m going to need another Typical file.

~*~

To say this essay by Latoya of Racialicious is powerful would be an insulting understatement. It’s entitled “The Not Rape Epidemic” and is the original version of the essay which appears in the Yes Means Yes! anthology. She has a trigger warning on it, so be aware of that if you’ll be clicking through.

And you certainly should click through, because I think this essay is a must-read, especially for men. The essay resonated with me on a very deep level, to a degree that I feel I can’t articulate. Women experience this shit all the time and most of us don’t say anything – because we know from experience that if we do, it won’t help and will likely hurt. One time a male friend remarked that he couldn’t really see a mutual female friend the same way after learning she’d been raped; I was so bothered by his statement that I said nothing. What I was thinking was, if you truly knew how many of your female friends and acquaintances had experienced sexual assault, you wouldn’t be speaking to most of them if you have such a problem with “seeing them the same way.” Men don’t realize how prevalent this is. They might hear the 1 in 4 stat but often I don’t think it really registers on a “yes, this has happened to someone I know” level.

I want to write more about Latoya’s essay but I can’t find the words. What I want to say about it is beyond words.

~*~

Tomorrow night I’m leading the Social Media Club Atlanta meeting. The topic is “Online Identity and Buzzword Bingo.” You can RSVP on Facebook or Upcoming – or just show up! (Though RSVPing is always nice.) Here are some links I’ll be using for reference material, if you want to read up ahead of time. There won’t be a quiz but there will be a Bingo game, with an appropriately self-referential prize.

• Sarah Dopp: Why I Write About My Life On the Internet
• Nelson “Nelz” Carpentier: The Real Nelz
• Penelope Trunk: Good blogging is simple: Write good posts (and be thankful)
• AV Flox: Hiring the Information Generation
• Caroline McCarthy: What I don’t get about all this hullaballoo over personal branding

And finally this gem from Laura’s LiveJournal, which is short enough that I can just post the whole thing. When I put the link in my browser it wanted me to log in, so I don’t know if the post was friends-locked or what, so I’m not linking; but I doubt she’ll mind me sharing this chunk of wisdom…

Just an observation from Twitter

Robert Scoble is a self-promotion machine. It gets tiresome.

I’m sorry, but I am about to un-follow ever media marketing PR link-spamming mongol because I am sick of their shit. The only topic more boring is…oh, I can’t think of any topic more boring.

That is all.

Heh.

I’m excited about the meeting, but also a little nervous! Please come out and help make it an interesting discussion. (It’s all in good fun, so I hope no one gets pissy about the words on the Bingo card.) Here’s the description again:

SMC ATL: Online Identity and Buzzword Bingo

When: Thursday, January 8, 7:00pm – 8:30pm
Where: Manuel’s Tavern – North Avenue Room

Thanks to Amber Rhea for leading the conversation and bingo game! Bring your bingo dauber and POV on these identity topics!

• Is your online identity different from your IRL identity?
• What does it mean to “manage your online identity”?
• Are there any off-limits topics on blogs? Who decides?
• Rethinking the personal/professional dichotomy and tearing down the walls of compartmentalization: yea or nay?

Note: this is what a dauber is.

~*~

And that’s a wrap. I’m getting sleepy, so it’s time for bed. Rusty and I are getting up a little earlier than usual tomorrow so we can go over to our potential new house and see what the traffic on Moreland is like at the usual time when we head to work. If we have to adjust our schedule to account for it, I don’t mind; I actually like getting to the office early. We just want to be aware!

This post is going to have a million tags.

Life notes as of Jan. 1

Since it’s New Year’s Day, I’ll start this post by saying I have a new resolution. I got the idea from US News & World Report, of all places. They had a cover story called “50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2009,” which I read in the bathroom at my mom’s house. One of the suggestions was this:

Distill your day’s experiences into a single sentence each day. Call it a “clothes hanger” journal: It provides a framework on which to hang the larger raiments of memory. A few well-chosen words can transport you back to where you were days or years ago. And—if you’re persistent—it can show you the shape of your life over time.

Luann Robins, a 79-year-old grandmother of five who lives in Rhinelander, Wis., has kept such records for most of her life, storing her five-year diaries in a cedar chest at the foot of her bed. “Sometimes they bring back great memories that I might have forgotten,” says Robins. Her journals are filled with comments on the weather, odd events, and her children’s and grandchildren’s news.

This is something different from blogging. I’m going to try to write a few sentences every day – just mundane stuff about what I did that day. This is not to say that mundane stuff won’t appear on the blog, too! But my point is, this is just more of a straight-up record. Like today, I wrote, “Took my car to Nalley Nissan for a routine service appt. Last night watched our friends’ wedding webcast online.” The particular book I’m writing in, I started in September 2003 but sometimes went years between entries. I used to be a prolific journal-keeper, and then I started a blog and moved some of that stuff online. I tried to keep up both, but it was never really the same. I think this is a good balance.

~*~

As much as I’m making my best effort not to be one of those people who, when looking for a house, is totally consumed by it and that’s all they talk about and everyone gets sick of hearing about it, as if they think they’re the only person who ever bought a house – well, I’m going to blog a little about our house hunt!

Monday and Tuesday morning, we went out with our Realtor and looked at houses. In total we’ve seen 15 houses – not including three we didn’t bother going in for various reasons. We’ve been, in our Realtor’s words, “copious note takers” and in typical nerd fashion made a Google document with all the notes and info for the houses we like. We originally had six houses on that list, but after much thought it’s been reduced to three. Here they are:

If these pictures look familiar, it’s because the houses were on the market when we were doing our “driving around and looking” routine in November, and I posted pictures then.

The first one is by far our favorite. When we walked in, we both had that “gut feeling” my mom talked about. But, there’s a problem: the next door neighbors have two big dogs which barked their fool heads off the entire time they were there. Yes, even when we were inside the house, and yes, you could hear them inside; and the master bedroom is on that side of the house. Long story short, we had basically scratched it off our list with much gnashing of teeth. The listing agent emailed our agent and said she and the seller had never heard the dogs bark like that; “yeah right,” we thought, taking it with the appropriate serving of salt. But since then, we’ve driven by the house three times at various times of day and haven’t heard the dogs. I got out and walked around the yard one of those times. Apparently, according to a second email from the listing agent, the neighbors are a nice gay couple who were “mortified” to hear that their dogs were making so much noise. So we’re wary, but haven’t abandoned all hope. We’re going to see the house again tomorrow and knock on the neighbors’ door; hopefully they’ll be home and be reasonable people we can talk to. Cross your fingers for us!

The other two houses are good, too; I could see myself living in all three of them. But the top one is definitely our fave, minus the possible dog situation. :P

Why do people have dogs if they aren’t going to take care of them properly and make sure they have proper obedience training? Who the hell thinks it’s okay for a dog to bark all the time? Like the guy who lives next door to my grandmother, he has a big dog that he leaves in the backyard all the time and it’s always barking – scares my grandmother half to death every time she walks outside. And yes, she’s called the police, and no, there’s nothing they can do. One police officer who came out just made it worse by antagonizing the dog and getting it even more riled up. Recently some teenagers broke into the house on the other side, and the owner was like, “Your dog was barking the whole time and you didn’t think to come see if anything was the matter??” The guy’s answer? “My dog barks all the time” – said with a shrug.

The phrase “defeating the purpose” comes to mind.

But back to house-hunting in general, this reminds me of at Sara’s (awesome, impressive, delicious) Christmas party, when Garrett and I were chatting and I said, “When did this happen? When did we become grown-ups? We’re sitting here talking about mortgages and babies!”

~*~

It will show up in my del.icio.us auto-post tomorrow morning (which, btw, I’m glad to know at least someone reads!) but I just wanted to reiterate how much I love this post by Kim. With the Rick Warren stuff, I’m trying really damn hard not to say “I told you so” to some of the more obnoxiously zealous Obama supporters. Now, if anyone wants to construe this as support for McCain or overt Obama-hate, all I can say is stop being an idiot. I made no secret that I was an Obama supporter in the election, BUT I was really bothered by the groupthink/lock-step mentality I saw among some of his supporters, where you couldn’t question him at all or else you were CAST OFF THE ISLAND. Construing someone as so perfect and flawless unnerved me from the beginning, because it’s just not realistic, and should be especially red-flag-worthy for a candidate who’s trying to run on a platform of being accessible, transparent, and bringing change to the political process.

~*~

Niki sent me this e-card right before I was planning to send it to a bunch of people. By now it’s been all over Twitter so I’m sure it’s old news, but I still find it amusing in the way only someone who takes anti-depressant meds can.

~*~

I have some partially written posts saved in draft mode about things like Peggy Denby of the Midtown Neighbors Association comparing prostitutes to cockroaches; the royally fucked-up situation with Dymond Milburn; and the gang-rape of a San Francisco woman who was attacked for being a lesbian. I will try to finish them when I have the energy. These are important issues and I am, as usual, struggling to find the balance between taking care of myself/not drowning in the mire of upsetting news, and giving these things the attention they need, especially to people who are blissfully ignorant. In the meantime – if you’re a British citizen, please be sure to sign this petition calling to defer any bill on prostitution until after the next general election; and if you’re not a Brit, spread the word!

Top 10 blog topics of 2008

Inspired by Griftdrift, I decided to make a list of the top blog stories/topics/themes of 2008 ’round the parts of the blogosphere I frequent. The great thing about blogging and top 10 lists? There’s no wrong answer, because of the diversity of the communities we move in. So here they are, in (mostly) chronological order:

1. Spitzer scandal

On March 10, the story broke about New York governor Eliot Spitzer being involved in a (get your Bingo cards ready) “prostitution ring.” The pro- sex workers’ rights blogs were all over it from the beginning, especially Bound, Not Gagged, which was the #1 resource for updates as they unfolded. Sex workers’ rights groups across the country and world issued statements and press releases supporting Kristen and denouncing Spitzer’s hypocrisy. Bloggers challenged the same-old, same-old coverage put forth by mainstream media – oversimplification, titillation, and reinforcement of stereotypes – as well as MSM’s clumsy and transparently insincere attempts to “reach out” to sex workers. Behind the scenes, via email, text messages, and Twitter DMs, sex workers and their allies wasted no time in organizing a media team, and gave last-minute interviews from far-flung locations. Even though the voices of sex workers’ rights advocates were largely overshadowed by the usual rehashed “arguments” about prostitution, for the first time we began to make a dent in the coverage, thanks in large part to the greater connectivity offered by social media.

2. Atlanta tornado

On March 14, a tornado ripped through downtown Atlanta. I first heard about it on Twitter; Dave, who was at the Flatiron at the time, sent this tweet: “Tornado just came through the flat iron. We’re all fine but it was insane.” Coverage via social media and citizen journalism was almost overwhelming in its immediacy and thoroughness. People were taking photos, shooting video,Twittering, etc. Because of the coverage from the people on the ground, mainstream media reluctantly had to admit that the tornado hit parts of town other than the business district – although their coverage of the damage in places such as Vine City was still miniscule compared to citizen journalism coverage.

3. Seal Press/WAM!2008 debacle

Some bloggers who are women of color went to WAM!2008 and had some complaints about it. Blackamazon said “fuck Seal Press” and the feminist blogosphere blew up. Seal Press responded and the bloggers Apostate refers to as the noisy group didn’t like the response, and the blogosphere blew up again. Then other publications wrote (poorly and inaccurately, for the most part) about what happened and the blogosphere blew up a third time.

I stayed out of this one for the most part, because I’m pretty sure my thoughts on the matter wouldn’t have been popular with most people on either opposing “side” of the brouhaha, and I didn’t feel like dealing with drama.

4. Amanda Marcotte, Brownfemipower, and “intellectual appropriation”

On the heels of the Seal Press girlcott, there was also Amandagate (have I mentioned I hate the use of -gate as a suffix for any scandal?), wherein some bloggers accused Amanda Marcotte of having plagiarized Brownfemipower. I stayed out of this one for the most part, too.

5. New UK porn law

In May, the UK passed a new law banning so-called “extreme” porn. Bloggers on both sides of the pond covered the Criminal Justice and Immigration Bill (of which the porn ban was a part) as it made its way through the Houses of Parliament. Protests were held and people of all stripes spoke out against the ban, but ultimately it passed. So you’d better be careful about what’s on your hard drive, even if you don’t live in the UK; this law sets a dangerous precedent.

6. Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s death

On May 1, the body of Deborah Jeane Palfrey (a.k.a. the DC Madam) was found at her mother’s home in Tarpon Springs, Florida, dead from an apparent suicide. I first heard the news on Twitter, from Melissa. As with the Spitzer scandal, Bound, Not Gagged was again the central location for information – and, in this case, mourning. An online memorial was created shortly after her death, and starting on the night of May 12, a 24-hour vigil of remembrance was held.

It’s hard to talk about death without slipping into what sounds like clichés and platitudes, even if they’re actually sincere, but what I want to say is: We might never know whether Palfrey actually took her own life or was murdered, but sex workers’ rights activists will keep asking the questions that need to be asked, in memory of her life which was needlessly cut short.

7. Kyle Payne

Kyle Payne is a self-professed anti-porn feminist ally, who “is particularly interested in men’s roles in confronting pornography and the rape culture” and served as a rape crisis counselor for four years. It just so happens that he was arrested for assaulting a female student at Buena Vista University. After Eleanor’s Trousers first mentioned it, the news spread like wildfire through the feminist blogosphere. In the weeks leading up to Payne’s sentencing, feminist bloggers stayed on top of the story and sparked a letter-writing campaign to the judge that would preside. Ultimately, Payne was sentenced to six months in jail. It should have been more; but feminist bloggers brought attention to a case that would have otherwise gone virtually unnoticed, and that’s a testament to the power of blogging.

8. The C-word: “Credibility”

So here’s what happened. Andre Walker, who is well-known in the Georgia blogosphere (if not necessarily well-respected), was exposed as having received money from Congressman David Scott’s campaign without having disclosed it. Because Andre wrote several favorable posts about Scott and was credentialed as a journalist by the Georgia Legislature, this is your classic conflict of interest problem. I have to admit I was nonplussed by the revelation, since I never understood why anyone would consider Andre’s blog a beacon of journalistic integrity to begin with. But although I said that with my tongue firmly in my cheek, it’s exactly those sorts of words – “integrity,” “credibility,” “ethics” – that were suddenly being tossed around by the likes of Ken Edelstein. Andre’s actions apparently served as an indictment of all bloggers (stop me if you’ve heard this one before). The debate flared for a while and then died back down, but it’s only a matter of time before the embers are stoked again. Unfortunately, the actions of a few bad apples reinforce the negative pre-conceived notions held by new media naysayers.

9. Pink slips in the pink ghetto

I know, the title for this one is cheesy. I should’ve just stuck with “Sex writers getting canned,” but somehow I couldn’t resist. All silly puns aside, though, the fact is traditional and online publications lost many important voices for positive sexuality this fall. The tanking economy and the precarious position of the media industry in particular was the inevitable explanation. Whether or not you agree that these cuts make sense from a bottom-line perspective, there’s no denying that the effect will be yet another obstacle to intelligent, nuanced discourse on sexuality. While I hate to see people I respect losing their jobs, I do think there’s an opportunity presented here, too. Since one thing that certainly won’t happen is that these people and others like them will simply shut up, I have hope that blogs and other forms of new media will continue to grow and fill the void left by traditional media institutions. Mainstream media might see smart sex content as too risky, but as advocates of positive sexuality we take risks every day.

10. Prop K

Proposition K was a San Francisco ballot initiative, but its importance was covered online regardless of geographic location. Unfortunately Prop K did not pass, but the fact that it was on the ballot at all and got 42% of the vote should be seen as positive gains. I know that doesn’t do anything to change the lives of vulnerable, criminalized sex workers facing real violence right now, and the people who voted “no” and/or vocally opposed it need to think very hard about what their “no” means. Yet this was a historical moment and hard as it is sometimes, I think it’s important for activists to remain positive (which also means taking care of ourselves). I don’t believe Prop K would have had nearly the support it did without the effects of the online community; and maybe next time those effects will be even greater.

Honorable mentions:

Steve Gower

Gower is a dangerous vigilante who terrorizes street-based sex workers – especially trans* workers and workers of color – but thinks of himself as some sort of neighborhood champion for midtown Atlanta. On the heels of the 5th International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, Creative Loafing published a predictably slanted (and infuriating) piece about Gower. For a short time there was outrage over this asshole in the local blogosphere as well as the larger sex workers’ rights blogosphere, but sadly Gower and his MNA sidekicks (see Peggy Denby’s latest stunt of racism and homophobia) are still terrorizing some of Atlanta’s most vulnerable populations.

SpaceyG booted from Peach Pundit

Speaking of predictable… in August, SpaceyG had her front-page posting rights on Peach Pundit revoked. Coverage in the local blogosphere had a particular tone that other stories about political bloggers lacked; it didn’t take a rocket scientist (and we even have one of those!) to smell the sexism. It manifested itself not only in SpaceyG’s initial ousting from Peach Pundit by overlord Erick Erickson, but also in the manner in which it was “covered” – downplaying the significance, blaming the victim, saying “nuh-uh!” – all the usual Bingo squares. C’est la vie, right women bloggers?

Bloggers taking blogging back

To close on a happy note, I started to notice this year that one by one, bloggers are getting fed up with the little boxes into which “digital entrepreneurs” and “social media experts” have tried to shove them. You can do this, you can’t do that, play by the rules if you want to be taken seriously! We’ve reached the tipping point, and more and more bloggers aren’t having it. We’re taking blogging back from those who have tried to co-opt it. My prediction for 2009? Even more momentum of this sentiment!

2008 year-in-review meme

Via a bunch of people, but I saw it at Ren’s LJ first. These memes always stress me out a little because I don’t feel like I can think of good answers; but I gave it a whirl for the hell of it.

~*~

What did you do in 2008 that you have never done before?
Posed for a photo shoot

Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
My only resolution was to recycle more, and I’ve kept it.

Have you any resolutions for next year?
I might as well mention the perennial resolution: take care of myself!

What countries did you visit?
None

What would you like to have in 2009 that you didn’t have in 2008?
A home that I own

What date in 2008 will remain etched in your memory?
July 17, 2008 – the day my father died

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sex 2.0!

What was your biggest failure?
Oh, geez. I hate questions like this. If I say I didn’t have a “biggest failure” then I sound arrogant and unrealistic. But if I start listing stuff out I’ll just get all self-deprecating. The truth is, I don’t know the answer to this. I honestly don’t think I had any spectacular failures this year, but that kind of thing is so subjective. Besides, with all my history/baggage with negativity, I don’t really need to dwell on it. :P

Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Fortunately nothing more serious than sniffles, headaches, and stomach aches here and there.

What was the best thing you bought?

• The three hours of my photo shoot
• An outdoor birdfeeder
• Puff and Stuff

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to name :P

Where did most of your money go?
Bills and other assorted debt

What did you get really really really excited about?
WAM!2008, Sex 2.0, BlogOrlando, BlogHer Atlanta, house hunting, my birthday photo shoot, pole dancing (perennially so), performing in a student showcase at the studio, birds, McMaster family history, road trips, Rusty, everyday fortunes

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Drank chai from Starbucks. In the last several months I’ve really cut back on it though. For a while there it was more compulsive than out of any real desire for the drink.

How will you be spending Christmas?
Taking it easy in Augusta with my mom and Rusty.

Which LJ/OD users bloggers did you meet for the first time?
Let’s see if I’m able to successfully list all of them (and attempt to put them in alphabetical order, too). Some of these folks I talked to for only a few seconds, but it still counts as meeting, dammit! I’m a purist.

• Amanda Brooks
• Apostate
• Aspasia
• Elizabeth Wood
• Funky Brown Chick
• Hugo Schwyzer
• Kimberlee Cline
• Jill Brenneman
• Jill Filipovic
• Joanne McNeil
• Leah Jones
• Match
• Melissa Gira
• Mistress Maeve
• Octogalore
• Regina Lynn
• Ren
• Roy MacKenzie
• SerpentLibertine

I’m sure I’ve spaced out and forgotten to list a few people.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
I could say something cheesy here like, I fall in love all over again every day. :)

How many one night stands?
None

What was your favourite TV show?
The Office

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

What was/were the best books you read?
The Way We Never Were by Stephanie Coontz

What was your greatest musical discovery?
I rediscovered Little Earthquakes. It’s as amazing now as it was in 8th grade.

What did you want and get?
<voice intonation=”price_is_right”>A new car</voice>

What did you want and not get?
BlogHer Atlanta

What was your favourite film this year?
I don’t know. I’m not really a “movie person.” I’m drawing a blank.

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
29; went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and bonded with my robotic baby chick

What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Gotta agree with Ren here: A lot more cash

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
OMGWTFLOL

What Who kept you sane?
Rusty and Jenny

Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Um, none really

Which political issue stirred you the most?
Lots of things related to sex workers’ rights, feminism, and reproductive justice (sometimes all three at once!)

Who did you miss?
Jenny and Niki – as always

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
Sometimes letting go and letting other people take care of things is what you have to do.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year…

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
– Christina Aguilera, “Fighter”

(This isn’t the only year it sums up, but it fits. I was going to say it’s a perennial favorite but that would be the third time I’d used the word “perennial” in this post.)

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Tag, you’re it, if you so choose!

Tuesday stuff (yet another in a long tradition of non-SEO-friendly titles)

This weekend I saw the movie Milk, commemorating the life of Harvey Milk. It was excellent all around; however there were two things that really stood out to me.

At one point Harvey Milk is talking to Dan White, who showed up at a party drunk. White says something like, “You’ve got an issue!” and Milk replies, with restrained hostility, “This isn’t an issue; this is our lives.” (I’m paraphrasing here; I can’t remember the verbatim quote.)

I was so, so, so glad to hear that sentiment expressed in the movie. it’s something I’ve written about before; but I really don’t think it can be stressed too much, and I also think it’s something that some people just don’t get. (And guess what that is? Ding ding – privilege!) Also, unfortunately sometimes the people who are marginalized and who have their lives cast as “issues” end up adopting the same rhetoric in an attempt to argue their case. It’s understandable, since it’s reactionary – but I think it misses an opportunity to address this very important point. Whenever someone talks about, say for example, abortion being “an issue that divides voters,” this is exactly the point I make if it’s a situation where I’m able to make my voice heard. That sort of dismissal (and really, “dismissal” is not a strong enough word – erasure is more appropriate) is so incredibly offensive that I can’t even articulate it. My life, reduced to a “divisive issue.”

All these various “issues” – they are NOT issues to be debated. I am not an issue. Don’t you dare call me a “single-issue voter” in that sneering holier-than-thou tone.

It also occurs to me that some people really do not have any idea how it feels, on a deep level, to be told that your life is worth less than someone else’s. Stories like this one can help drive it home for some people but that’s mainly on an individual basis (the importance of which I am not denying); how do we make EVERYONE “get it?” It’s a feeling that words cannot convey, so I won’t even try. But if you know what that feels like, there’s no way in hell you can prattle on about “issues,” I don’t believe.

The other part of the movie that stood out to me was this… I’ll quote Melissa’s tweet:

Still stuck on the Anita Bryant bit of MILK where she complains that prostitutes will have to get civil rights, too, if the gays do.

When the clip of Bryant saying that played, I muttered under my breath, “Yeah because that would be soooo awful.” No, we can’t give prostitutes CIVIL RIGHTS! God no! What bothers me is I wonder how many of the other movie-goers even gave it a second thought.

See also: Susie Bright’s reflections.

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I hope Daisy doesn’t mind that I lifted the little tilde-asterisk-tilde divider from her. It’s just so much more visually appealing (yet not overly distracting!) than three plain dashes. I think I’m going to start using it from now on in posts that contain numerous unrelated thoughts. (In other words: old-school blogging!!)

Coming back to privilege for a second… last week I promised GriftDrift and Sara I’d blog about it, in response to this post. Once again it is glaringly obvious that there is a lot of misunderstanding about the definition of privilege. It’s so frustrating. And I know I said I’d write a post, but I just haven’t had the energy. I don’t know how many times I and so many others can say the same thing. I know it’s important to keep saying it, for people who haven’t heard it yet; but at the moment I feel depleted. As I said in the comments on that post, privilege has nothing to do with intent. Once you start talking about intent it’s a completely different thing. Also privilege is not a personal failing, or something you can renounce. It is granted externally and you benefit from it, without knowing there is anything there to benefit from. That’s why Peggy McIntosh called it the invisible knapsack. No, there is not some grand white supremacist conspiracy dictating that most clip art, advertisements, media, etc. features white people – and that’s the whole point.

Sometimes I am just out of energy, I don’t have the energy to engage. Sometimes I’m able – usually on a one to one basis, in person. Sometimes online – it just depends. Once in a while it is really beneficial. I know it’s an important thing to do. I just can’t always do it myself.

Dacia wrote a post that mentions the importance of engaging rather than just lashing out. I totally agree with it. I also think that sometimes lashing out is okay, too. You can’t expect people to be totally patient saints 100% of the time when we’ve heard the same lines over and over regardless of anyone’s “intentions.” I guess it’s a balancing act. (See also Renee.) If you’re completely hostile all the time then nothing gets done, no one is reached, no alliances are made. But if you’re completely accommodating all the time then nothing gets done, no one learns, you’re basically a doormat. People have to take responsibility for their shit at some point, whether intentional or not. If you’re a true ally that means you listen instead of dismiss when you are called out on an -ism.

Really what it boils down to for me is, so much of this stuff has to be taken on a case-by-case basis. And it depends on many people fighting the fight in various ways.

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The winner of Miss Pole Dance Australia 2008 is the same woman who won Miss Pole Dance Australia 2006. As before, to say she is amazing is an understatement. However I think her performance this time is even better. It has more grace and fluidity in addition to the awe-inspiring pole work. And, this time she has short hair like mine!! :D

I hope to one day be this good. I have my doubts that it’ll ever happen, but it’s good to have goals. There is always something else to learn with pole dancing!

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I am annoyed by male hip-hop artists who mess up female hip-hop artists’ good songs. Examples: Nas to Kelis, Jay-Z to Beyonce. Stop messing up “Let’s Get It On In Public” and “Upgrade U.”

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In meta news, I realized I can’t redirect amber.tangerinecs.com to beingamberrhea.com like I was thinking about doing, because all my images live on amber.tangerinecs.com (and I don’t feel like moving them). Oh well. The pre-April 2007 blog archives will just continue to live in two places.

A job like any other job?

I’m taking a brief break from my blog hibernation (what, you hadn’t noticed?) to point out a great post by Monica at $pread Blog. She makes a very important – yet very simple – point that I think is a source of a lot of misunderstanding and frustration in discussions about sex work.

So here is another article about sex work and the economy. I hate the fact that this article exists, because I hate the fact that this bizarre cottage industry exists, this examining of sex work from the vaguely liberal viewpoint of “it’s just like any other business.” Okay, hurray for you, you don’t think sex workers are the sole agents of civil disintegration. That’s great. It’s a real pleasure to encounter an article that doesn’t make some snide remark about prostitutes being diseased and pathetic, and I mean that sincerely.

But sex work is not just like any other business. It’s not that it’s fundamentally so radically removed from other types of physical/emotional work, but it is criminalized and stigmatized, which means, no, unfortunately, it is not like being a massage therapist or a yoga instructor or an acting coach, or whatever pleasant and expendable profession to which it might be compared. “I just want to acknowledge it as regular work” is a misguided if genuine claim, and I’ve come up against it several times when dealing with journalists, and I’m getting really weary of it. This type of inquiry doesn’t allow for the reality of sex work: the arrests, the fear of being outed, the unregulated working conditions, the lack of health insurance or unemployment benefits, the extortion at the hands of club managers or pimps. We need OSHA just as much as other laborers.

I often object when anti-sex work proponents say imploringly, “The pro-porn lobby says it’s just like any other job, but it’s not!” – because this statement is so often followed by, “At other jobs, men aren’t paying for access to women’s bodies!” Which always makes me roll my eyes, take a deep breath, and try to forestall the inevitable ulcer that I will one day develop.

No, sex work is not like any other job – but that’s not because of something inherent to the work itself. Instead it’s because of the negative stereotypes that people project onto sex workers and the fact that the work is stigmatized and often criminalized. The source of the difference is external, not internal. Which is great, because external conditions can be fixed. And which is bad for abolitionists, because it means you can’t just say “it’s bad, get rid of it” and wipe your hands of the issue. It means if you treat sex workers like shit, the problem is yours.

The anti-sex work side – and, let’s be honest, most people, with the media being a cabal of top offenders – can’t get past the sex aspect of sex work, whereas the sex workers’ rights movement focuses on the work aspect. That’s why you so often hear “sex workers’ rights” hand-in-hand with “labor rights.”

I have heard the “acknowledge it as regular work” line from plenty of self-identified progressives and I always shake my head (and take another deep breath) because it’s like, hello, privilege talking! When sex workers are no longer arrested for doing their jobs or for advocating for their own rights, disbelieved because of their job when they are sexually assaulted (or the charge reduced from rape to “theft of services”), assumed to be addicted to drugs, assumed to have been sexually abused as children, expected to answer countless personal questions on demand, seen as unfit parents, fired from non-adult industry employment because of a past job in the adult industry, disallowed to speak for themselves, seen as unable to make their own decisions, excluded from discussions about policies that will directly impact their lives, equated with garbage, seen as good enough to jerk off to but not good enough to respect as a equal human beings, used as the source of cheap jokes when they are murdered, seen as easy targets by violent criminals because who cares about sex workers anyway? – then, and only then, will sex work being a job like any other job.