Being Amber Rhea

I don’t overuse the “pin” feature in Bloglines Beta; I use it strictly to keep track of stuff I want to read later, re-read in while paying closer attention, or blog about. So whenever I have more than 3 or 4 pinned items, I start to get antsy.

Currently I have 7, and they’re all posts that I’m brimming with Strong Opinions about, but at this rate I don’t think I’ll have time to write in-depth responses to each of them. So, link round-up cop-out it is!

• Antidepressants don’t work (from Uncool)

  Yes, once again, some Very Important Organization or other has released a results of a study that supposedly proves that anti-depressants are worthless. Hmm, if that’s true, then why are there so many people (myself included) who, whenever this shit happens, stand up and say very loudly that anti-depressants most certainly do work?

  I don’t understand why anti-depressants’ effectiveness needs to be proved or disproved. Tons of people are living proof that they do work. (Sure, we can study how or why - but if? That’s not a question.) I can say with 100% assurance of no hyperbole on my part, that if it weren’t for anti-depressant meds, I would not be alive today.

• Teenagers as Sexual Beings (from Miss Nomered)

  I found this blog a few weeks ago, I think via Ren’s, and reading it makes me feel hopeful about the future and the up-and-coming generation. When I was in high school, blogs didn’t exist, but I did keep a journal (I even kept it on my computer for a while, in SimpleText!) and I wrote about all kinds of stuff. I like to think that if I’d had a blog, it would’ve been similar to this.

  Anyway, the post about teenagers being sexual beings reminded me of my fourth year at TIP. There was a girl in my class who just seemed to exude sexuality. I think she was a year younger than me, which would’ve made her 15. I remember her talking in class one day about being frustrated with how adults don’t want to admit that teenagers are sexual beings and are not children. The rest of us in the class were nodding in agreement.

  I don’t know why adults tend to get so weirded out at the idea of teenagers having sexual feelings. Do they not remember being a teenager themselves? And ya know, admitting that teenagers are sexual beings doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to have sex with them! Get over it!

• Media and a Sex Worker (from After Hours)

  My heart goes out to Amanda, with everything she’s been through lately. And this post, just… well, at the moment I can’t really put my feelings about it into words. But it really struck me, maybe because I feel like I can relate to Amanda after reading a lot of her writing and identifying with some of her experiences and feelings? You should just read it. Here’s an excerpt:

  A definite downside is that I’ve attracted the attention of every shock-jock in the country, it seems. I’m a chance for them to use as many dirty words on the air as possible and a chance to score points off me. Seems women are only fodder for men’s lame sex jokes. I’m done with these shows. No more. ‘Course, it’s actually easier to screen clients than screen radio stations (they tend to be misleading about the nature of their show, of course).

  Or there’s an accusatory tone that would not be there if I were a client. Men get a “wink wink nudge nudge” thing when paid companionship is discussed. Women are branded and I bring out the self-righteous prig in everyone. The only explanation is that there must be something wrong with me. Being female and openly sexual means I’m off my rocker; something to be either pitied or reviled.

  More infuriating, they think they know everything about sex work (escort work in particular) because they believe every stereotype they’ve ever come across. This makes them an “expert.” Which makes me wonder why they bother to have me on. None of my interviewers have yet to actually admit to having experience as a sex worker — only me. Yet apparently I’m not to be believed.

• 5 Tips for Hot Menstrual Sex (from Naked City)

  I’m so glad Dacia wrote about menstrual sex! And I have immense respect for Furry Girl and Trixie for their menstrual sites (well, and for their general awesomeness). This post is informative, sex-positive, body-positive, menstrual-positive… all-around positive! Which is really something, since menstrual sex is typically either not talked about at all, or talked about with “OMG ewwww!!!” histrionics that you would expect maybe out of middle schoolers but certainly not adults, and yet here are adults acting as if getting your period is the most disgusting thing that could ever happen to you. FAIL.

  This post, however, gets the WIN stamp.

• “Please, anyone can do what you do…” (from Renegade Evolution)

  I hate when people act like sex work isn’t real work. Especially when they use snark quotes - “sex work.” Here’s what I said in a comment on Ren’s post:

  I think this whole “anyone can do it” thing is totally reactionary and full of projection. Because the same people who say that are usually the ones who are talking about how awful and degrading it is… so, therefore, NOT anyone can do it, right? It’s a contradiction, which leads me to believe they don’t have an actual argument.

Okay, there are two others I have pinned, but they both deserve longer write-ups… especially Caroline’s post about the new UK porn law. Holy crap.

Yesterday on Twitter I said, “I wish I could pole dance EVERY night.”

Lately I’ve been feeling strange, kind of down in the dumps, and I can’t really put my finger on what it is. I just feel like something isn’t right, and I want to get to the bottom of it. I feel this way more in the mornings; maybe my serotonin level is lower in the morning? I don’t know.

But I do know that I feel happy, alive, and on top of the world when I’m pole dancing. I wish I could do it even more than I already do.

Last night we started the fourth installation of Level 5/6, the “master” pole level, which will continue indefinitely, because they can’t get rid of us pole addicts! They’re also going to start offering Cardio Pole classes (thirty minutes of nothing but pole circuits, for Level 3 and above) every Wednesday at 6:30 during May and June, and I signed up for all eight of ‘em last night. I can go straight from work.

I have my pole at home and I practice on it as much as possible, but it’s challenging given the dimensions of the stage and such. I can’t wait until we buy a house/condo/whatever and can install a permanent pole.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than to just reiterate how much I love pole dancing. Few things make me happier. I’m still kind of in awe of the fact that I found an athletic activity that I enjoy so much.

Sunday night’s student/instructor showcase was a massive success, btw. Angela said they’ve been receiving tons of emails asking when the next show is. She said they’re probably going to do these shows once a quarter. I kind of feel like I shouldn’t try to be in every show because other people might want a chance, but on the other hand, I just really love performing. I think Sunday night was one of my best performances ever. I told Rusty not to record me, which, I think, is actually part of why I did so well - I didn’t feel pressured. But then I wished he had recorded me, because I did so well. So next time maybe he should just secretly record me, whether I ask him to or not!

There was a brief instance of inappropriate/unwanted touching after the show, which just exemplifies (yet again) the problems Jenny talked about in her “Sex, Guys, and Videotape” post. Hello - it is NOT OKAY to put your arm around me, dude I’ve never met. I don’t care if I’m in my underwear. I don’t care if I’ve been dancing half-naked. I don’t care if you’re congratulating me on a good performance. ‘Cause really all of it has fuck all to do with you, so GO AWAY.

But let’s not end this somewhat stream-of-consciousness post on a negative note! Sunday night was great, and I just wish I could carry the feeling I have when I’m pole dancing with me all the time. Oh, and I need to write a separate post about Angela’s half-joking idea about starting Atlanta’s first clothed strip club.

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning at 11:00. I’d known about it for a couple weeks, it had been on my Google calendar and my work Outlook calendar, I even looked at my Google calendar last night and thought, “Okay, I need to leave the office at around 10:30 tomorrow”… and yet when the time rolled around today, I totally spaced. I was sitting there at my desk, happily working away, feeling good and productive, and at around 11:15 the phone rings and it’s my psychiatrist. As soon as I heard her voice I thought, “Oh, shit!” I think I actually said something more like, “Oh, crap!” but the sentiment was the same.

I apologized for missing the appointment; she asked if everything was okay, and I said yes. She asked how I was feeling and if I had enough medication, and if I’d like to reschedule for two weeks (I did).

Then I said, “I can’t believe I totally forgot. I’m really sorry, this is so not like me.”

And she said, “We need to talk about that.”

:| Really?? Give me a break!

I replied, “The only thing to talk about there is that my Outlook calendar didn’t pop up a reminder.”

Seriously, that remark really grated on me. Not everything is some pathological symptom. God! Then Jenny and I were chatting about it over IM, and Jenny said, “Why is there so much drama in mental health?”

And it’s true, there is!

I’m not going to be going to that place much longer, anyway. I had what I decided would be my final appointment with the therapist last week, and after my next appointment with the psychiatrist or whenever I can find someone else to prescribe my meds (whichever comes first), I won’t be going back there. I had already made that decision. For one thing, it’s up in Dunwoody, and my therapist’s office hours are the exact same as mine, so I have to take a couple hours off in the middle of the work day every time I go up there (it takes 30 minutes to drive each way, plus an hour-long appointment). But more importantly/annoyingly, they don’t file insurance for you!!

Okay, this is a place with several different therapists and psychiatrists working there, with a full administrative staff. In that way it’s a lot like the place I went when I lived in Texas, where I absolutely loved my therapist; in fact, seeing her was one of the only really positive things about my stay in Texas. Guess what, that place filed insurance just like any doctor’s office would. I mean, I could almost understand the insurance thing if it were one person in private practice; almost. I would still be annoyed, because to me that is part of their job. And I’ve been to therapists who are running their own show (ie, not working in an office w/ others) who do file insurance, and don’t complain to their clients about what a pain in the ass it is. But when it’s at a place where there’s an office staff of four or five people?? Are you kidding me? It makes me wonder what the office staff does. And I hate the attitude I’ve gotten from everyone there that they can’t be bothered, because it’s just soooo hard and complicated and there are just “too many different kinds of insurance” (actual quote) and they just can’t handle it… so, here, client, deal with the big towering bureaucracy of the insurance companies on your own!!

As such, I’ve filed claims for every visit - filed most of them at least twice, in fact. (The first time I filed, I called a few weeks later to check on the status and they said they had “no record” of any claims for me. Convenient!) Some of them I’ve filed three times. And still, only two claims are showing up in my records online, and both of those are taken fully from my deductible, whereas if the office staff did it, it would be like any other doctor’s visit where you just pay your co-pay.

I need to call Blue Cross Blue Shield again and check up on the claims and find out why some of them haven’t been accepted even though I’ve filed all the paperwork multiple times… but I’ve been procrastinating, because honestly, that shit stresses me out, and it takes time to hang on the phone, talk to the people at the company, get transferred around… and guess what, I have to work, I don’t really have time for that bullshit. That’s supposed to be the job of an office staff person! And you know, I go to therapy to reduce stress, not to add to it!

Rant over, for now. I actually have more to say about this whole issue, but this has gotten pretty long!

ETA: Oh, and of course they are charging me for the missed appointment. Good luck getting that claim paid, I bet!

ETA, pt. 2: Heh. Despite my excessive use of exclamation points herein, I promise I am not drunk.

Yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist, recommended by the therapist (a licensed clinical social worker) I’ve been seeing. The last time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was in college, and he’s the one who originally prescribed Wellbutrin for me. I don’t remember who prescribed it for me when I lived in Texas. When I moved to Atlanta, my primary care doctor started prescribing it for me, and admonishing me to see a therapist, since I wasn’t going to one at the time. A couple years ago that doctor stopped working after she had a baby, and the doctor’s office assigned me to another primary care doctor for insurance purposes, but I’ve never actually met the guy. Nevertheless, the office keeps refilling my prescription every time I call for refills.

All of this is to say, I’ve been on Wellbutrin now for about 5-6 years, and it’s been working great the whole time. But I knew that sooner or later I would have to see a real live doctor for med maintenance, as it’s called.

And more importantly, for the past several months - okay, going on a year now - there have been times when I’ve felt as if I might be sliding into depression. I can spot the warning signs, and I want to do everything possible to make sure I don’t end up there again; it’s not fun (obvious statement of the year). After talking with my therapist though, we both think it’s more anxiety than depression.

Oh, I should back up: a few months ago I started seeing a therapist again. She’s up in Dunwoody, and it takes two hours out of a workday for me to go see her (her office hours are exactly the same as mine). The office doesn’t file insurance, which pisses me off, because I have to file it myself, and so far I haven’t gotten any refund checks (the first time I mailed in my claims, and later called to see if they’d been received, and was told they had “no record” of the claims… no surprise there). Anyway, I really like this therapist, and I’ve been seeing her every other week; but I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up, with the travel time and the insurance pain in the ass.

There are a few psychiatrists at the office too, and she recommended I see one for a medication evaluation. So that’s what I did yesterday. The doctor decided to keep my current dosage of Wellbutrin and also add a small dosage of Lexapro, which is anti-anxiety medication. I’ll be getting that prescription filled this week, and within a few weeks to a month I should start to see results… hopefully good ones. She said Lexapro can cause nausea; I hope I don’t have that problem.

And can I just say, I am really irritated with therapists’ offices (or any doctors’ offices, but I’ve never known any other than psychologist/psychiatrist offices that act this way) that don’t file insurance for you. My therapist said, “There are just too many different types of insurance.” Well excuse me, that’s why there’s an office staff! My therapist in Texas (whom I loved; seriously, when I moved back to Georgia I wished I could take her with me) worked at an office a lot like this one, and they filed insurance with no problem. I think it’s presumptuous and lazy for them to expect patients to do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the refund checks for the appointments I’ve paid for so far, especially the $300 appointment yesterday. It just pisses me off, because I’m paying for insurance but of course they give you the run-around. (Again, why can’t everywhere be nice and responsive like USAA? Sad that service like that is a minority…)

Anyway, that’s that. I know I got off on a tangent, so this is partially an insurance rant and partially an update on my mental health situation. I’m publishing it now… without proofreading!

From Rootietoot:

Just because a person has a mental illness, does not automatically make them capable of doing horrible things. Most mentally ill people, just like most not mentally ill people, would not cause harm to someone. I daresay there are plenty of murderers, rapists, and child molesters who aren’t suffering from egregious mental disorders like manic-depression, schizophrenia, OCD or any of the other life-altering disorders.

And? If you’re going to write an article about someone who has - ZOMG!!1!!!eleven - a mental illness, try to at least pretend that you know what you’re talking about. Saying that a person has bipolar disorder and manic depression is a depth of stupidity at which I’d ordinarily be shocked, but then again, the story was on the Fox News web site, so I guess the bar continues to dip ever lower.