Being Amber Rhea

…that Ren gave me an awesome shirt at Sex 2.0?

Some of you may even recognize the graphic from your own sidebars!

I don’t overuse the “pin” feature in Bloglines Beta; I use it strictly to keep track of stuff I want to read later, re-read in while paying closer attention, or blog about. So whenever I have more than 3 or 4 pinned items, I start to get antsy.

Currently I have 7, and they’re all posts that I’m brimming with Strong Opinions about, but at this rate I don’t think I’ll have time to write in-depth responses to each of them. So, link round-up cop-out it is!

• Antidepressants don’t work (from Uncool)

  Yes, once again, some Very Important Organization or other has released a results of a study that supposedly proves that anti-depressants are worthless. Hmm, if that’s true, then why are there so many people (myself included) who, whenever this shit happens, stand up and say very loudly that anti-depressants most certainly do work?

  I don’t understand why anti-depressants’ effectiveness needs to be proved or disproved. Tons of people are living proof that they do work. (Sure, we can study how or why - but if? That’s not a question.) I can say with 100% assurance of no hyperbole on my part, that if it weren’t for anti-depressant meds, I would not be alive today.

• Teenagers as Sexual Beings (from Miss Nomered)

  I found this blog a few weeks ago, I think via Ren’s, and reading it makes me feel hopeful about the future and the up-and-coming generation. When I was in high school, blogs didn’t exist, but I did keep a journal (I even kept it on my computer for a while, in SimpleText!) and I wrote about all kinds of stuff. I like to think that if I’d had a blog, it would’ve been similar to this.

  Anyway, the post about teenagers being sexual beings reminded me of my fourth year at TIP. There was a girl in my class who just seemed to exude sexuality. I think she was a year younger than me, which would’ve made her 15. I remember her talking in class one day about being frustrated with how adults don’t want to admit that teenagers are sexual beings and are not children. The rest of us in the class were nodding in agreement.

  I don’t know why adults tend to get so weirded out at the idea of teenagers having sexual feelings. Do they not remember being a teenager themselves? And ya know, admitting that teenagers are sexual beings doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to have sex with them! Get over it!

• Media and a Sex Worker (from After Hours)

  My heart goes out to Amanda, with everything she’s been through lately. And this post, just… well, at the moment I can’t really put my feelings about it into words. But it really struck me, maybe because I feel like I can relate to Amanda after reading a lot of her writing and identifying with some of her experiences and feelings? You should just read it. Here’s an excerpt:

  A definite downside is that I’ve attracted the attention of every shock-jock in the country, it seems. I’m a chance for them to use as many dirty words on the air as possible and a chance to score points off me. Seems women are only fodder for men’s lame sex jokes. I’m done with these shows. No more. ‘Course, it’s actually easier to screen clients than screen radio stations (they tend to be misleading about the nature of their show, of course).

  Or there’s an accusatory tone that would not be there if I were a client. Men get a “wink wink nudge nudge” thing when paid companionship is discussed. Women are branded and I bring out the self-righteous prig in everyone. The only explanation is that there must be something wrong with me. Being female and openly sexual means I’m off my rocker; something to be either pitied or reviled.

  More infuriating, they think they know everything about sex work (escort work in particular) because they believe every stereotype they’ve ever come across. This makes them an “expert.” Which makes me wonder why they bother to have me on. None of my interviewers have yet to actually admit to having experience as a sex worker — only me. Yet apparently I’m not to be believed.

• 5 Tips for Hot Menstrual Sex (from Naked City)

  I’m so glad Dacia wrote about menstrual sex! And I have immense respect for Furry Girl and Trixie for their menstrual sites (well, and for their general awesomeness). This post is informative, sex-positive, body-positive, menstrual-positive… all-around positive! Which is really something, since menstrual sex is typically either not talked about at all, or talked about with “OMG ewwww!!!” histrionics that you would expect maybe out of middle schoolers but certainly not adults, and yet here are adults acting as if getting your period is the most disgusting thing that could ever happen to you. FAIL.

  This post, however, gets the WIN stamp.

• “Please, anyone can do what you do…” (from Renegade Evolution)

  I hate when people act like sex work isn’t real work. Especially when they use snark quotes - “sex work.” Here’s what I said in a comment on Ren’s post:

  I think this whole “anyone can do it” thing is totally reactionary and full of projection. Because the same people who say that are usually the ones who are talking about how awful and degrading it is… so, therefore, NOT anyone can do it, right? It’s a contradiction, which leads me to believe they don’t have an actual argument.

Okay, there are two others I have pinned, but they both deserve longer write-ups… especially Caroline’s post about the new UK porn law. Holy crap.

Today Rusty and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary. And if it weren’t for blogs, I think the likelihood of our paths crossing would’ve been much lower.

So here’s a retrospective…

December 8, 2004: Rusty’s first comment on my blog, wherein he expresses his affinity for PHP. I had found and started reading his blog sometime in the month of November. I don’t remember exactly how I originally found it, but I think it might’ve been through David’s blog. I remember being intrigued and perplexed by all the driveway photos.

March 9, 2005: We met IRL for the first time, at a blogger trivia get-together at Central City Tavern. I also met IRL that night: Thomas, Nikki, Jen, Shannon, Tony, Joseph.

April 22, 2005: Blogger bowling. It was a small crowd (just me, Rusty, Jen, and Joeventures) and I was taking the opportunity to size him up, as they say. I even thought about asking if he wanted to come home with me that night, but due to boring logistical issues (and, yeah, nerves), I decided not to. I knew by that point that I definitely wanted to do him, though.

April 26, 2005: I seized the opportunity to drop some innuendo that could, in the event of disinterest on Rusty’s part, be written off as simply a garden-variety sophomoric joke. I asked for several friends’ interpretations of his response (it seems like he was probably doing the same thing as me; gotta have plausible deniability!) and after getting unanimous opinions that this was, indeed, what you kids call “flirting,” I took the sexual innuendo to email.

April 27, 2005: It just so happened that Rusty had sent me a one-line email regarding the new version of Mac OS X, so I didn’t even need a pretense for emailing him - I just replied.

April 27, 2005 - May 5, 2005: We exchanged a series of emails fraught with business metaphors to refer to fucking. It was pretty funny and entertaining until it reached the point where I started to get annoyed and wondered when we were going to fuck already. There was also a four-day gap where he didn’t respond and I started to wonder if he wasn’t interested after all. He blamed it on working 40 hours a week and getting behind on email. Or was it nerves?

Sometime during the weekend of May 1 (sort of tangential): I was visiting Dacia in New York, and I told her about how there was this “local blogger dude” that I really wanted to fuck, and I was trying to make it happen. After I got back home she sent me an email that concluded with, “Good luck with Rusty!”

May 7, 2005 (tangential): The Great Blogswap of 2005 (a.k.a. the “blorgy”) was set to commence the week of May 9, and there were jokes via email about swapping more than blogs. Little did the rest of ‘em know that would be true for Rusty and me! (He drew my blog.)

May 8, 2005: I finally got impatient with the innuendo and said this in an email to Rusty: “Re: interview scheduling, etc.: I love me some good innuendo as much as the next guy, but it’s about time to close the deal. I can provide references… -oh shit that’s more innuendo. Never mind.” He replied: “I agree about there only being so much innuendo before something has to be done one way or the other. If you’re serious, tomorrow night would actually be a good time since I get off work at 6:15 and don’t have to be in the next day ’til 2. Or Friday night, since I’m off Friday and Saturday. If you’re not, I won’t think lesser of you for it.” And I replied to that: “Of course I’m serious. What do you think I am, some kind of asshole? Tomorrow night eh? That’s fine by me, although we could make it interesting by saying Wednesday after trivia. Or wtf, both! Right? Right.”

May 9, 2008: Monday morning I emailed him directions to my apartment. We’d already exchanged cell phone numbers. At 7:09 p.m. I still hadn’t heard from him and I sent an email saying: “Ok dude I know you’re there, you’re commenting on blogs at the same time as me. What’s your deal? Maybe you are too wrapped up in bestbuysux.org.” Then he went on IM and we chatted for a while, about all kinds of things (including the first day of the Blogswap), until finally at 7:50 I said: “are you coming down here or what?”

evilwilly1: haha, sure
evilwilly1: I need to wash the retail stink off first though
AmberATL30309: gah…
AmberATL30309: now are we clear on what this is or do we need to lay some ground rules
evilwilly1: I’m all about some ground rules… your thoughts?
AmberATL30309: uh, no drama. that’s pretty much it.
evilwilly1: works for me, no strings attached
AmberATL30309: fabulous. i was starting to lose my faith in ATL men.
AmberATL30309: and I’m assuming we’re not repeating this to our blog buddies
evilwilly1: nah
AmberATL30309: i’ll have to tell you about the gay virgin sometime
AmberATL30309: anyway what we have here is a “FWB” situation
evilwilly1: kickass, exactly what I’m looking for
AmberATL30309: excellent

After Rusty and I had been fucking for a few weeks, Sara Beth joked that we were going to fall in love, and she was going to speak at our wedding and recount the dirty details of how it all started. At the time, I scoffed at her; but hey, she was totally right!

And the rest is history. :)

Has RSS caused blog comments to dramatically decline? Is it an effect of one’s blog getting more popular? Is it random?

None of those answers make much sense to me, but I and several of my friends (Dacia, Rusty, Jen, Duane… just to name a few) have noticed that we don’t get nearly as many comments as we used to.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Quality is way more important than quantity. The “great post!” comments are certainly nice, but if those are the only comments, well, something is lacking. And I certainly don’t want assholish or outright trollish comments. I mean why do you think I banned valeko, Andisheh, and a few other repeat offenders?

Interesting conversation is what we all want, right? And shit, people, that’s not unique to blogs. That’s life.

And yeah, unfortunately, sometimes when there’s been a lot of conversation on a post I’ve written, it happened to coincide with a very busy time in my off-blog life, so that I simply wasn’t able to sit down and write in-depth replies. Other times, I admit, the flurry of conversation has been a little over-stimulating, and I’ve been content to sit back and enjoy it vicariously - and I don’t mean that in a negative way; what I mean is, I like listening to smart, interesting people talk!

So I hope you all will comment more. I know that lots of smart, interesting people read my blog (flattery will get me everywhere!), and we have lots of good conversations elsewhere (even if they’re getting kind of fragmented, with things like Twitter and Tumblr) - so yeah I guess I’m being selfish and saying, I want some good conversation here!

I don’t want flaming, or stupidity, or trolling… but good conversation. Like hanging out at a (non-smokey, not too loud) bar, except you don’t have to leave your house or spend money. (Unless you want to!)

(I am resisting the urge to create a “navel-gazing” tag to use with this post. Frankly I’m sick of my own self-deprecation. As Fred Stoeker would say, “It stops here!”)

This post has been in draft mode for at least a month now. I always thought I’d flesh it out into something less stream-of-consciousness/”bad emo poetry.” Then I went and wrote a long-ass comment on Apostate’s blog, and it reminded me of this as-yet-unfinished post. So, first I’ll give you the initial free-writing version that I fantasized about turning into a coherent narrative, but never did:

—

There’s always part of me that’s bugged about the fact that I never tried sex work
(I know the past tense makes it sound like it’s not a possibility in the future…)

But when I think about it, I wouldn’t make a good escort - I’m too introverted and socially awkward. Good escorts have to have the skill of putting people at ease. If anything, I tend to make people nervous. Or in my attempt to put them at ease I’d make *myself* nervous.
I hate small talk, and I suck at it

I do love sex, though

Stripping - same thing - I’m an exhibitionist, so that aspect (along w/ the money, duh) always appealed to me. And now I can pole dance something fierce. It’s the lapdances that would bug me. The “hustling.” It’s an awful lot like cold calling - something that absolutely petrifies me.

So what would I realistically like to do?
I want to have beautiful, creative photos taken of me

I thought of running my own porn site but the maintenance, up-keep, and trying to always come up w/ new creative content seemed too daunting

PSO? Hell no… I hate talking on the phone!

I think maybe I’d like porn the best

But in some way I feel like a fraud for never doing any type of sex work

—

(Does this fact of my life make me a shitty/creepy ally? I wonder that, sometimes. I know I’m probably just being paranoid and over-thinking things, as I’m wont to do.)

And here’s the comment I left on Apostate’s:

For going on ten years now I’ve wanted to try some form of sex work, but so far have been too chicken to actually go through with it. I absolutely LOVE pole dancing, so now the original things that made me afraid to try stripping - not being able to dance, not being able to walk in heels - aren’t issues anymore, but I realized there are other, more basic issues such as 1) strip clubs are usually smoky, and cigarette smoke REALLY bothers me; 2) I hate approaching people or being “outgoing,” and that’s what you have to do to get lap dances; 3) speaking of lap dances, they would annoy me for the same reason waiting tables annoys me: the asshole customers.

i think I would be good at having sex for money, but it would have to be JUST that. I don’t have the time, patience, or poker face* to keep up the pretense of “escorting” - basically, I have no desire (and no ability, really) to pretend like I give a shit about some guy or want to be his arm candy, let’s just get down to business and give me the money, no GFE bullshit. I also couldn’t do the full body sensual massage thing because that would be hell on my muscles, and again, let’s just get down to business already.

After much thought and consideration I think porn is where I could be the most successful and get the most enjoyment out of it. But so far I’ve been too lazy to actively pursue anything. (It doesn’t hurt that I also happen to love my current job, so it’s not like I have a strong motivation.)

* Borrowed that terminology from Dacia. It’s apt.

So, the details of the showcase, because I want to!

It was similar to the first student showcase, but with 1) a bigger audience, 2) instructors as well as students performing, 3) over twice as many performers, 4) pole circuits in addition to solo performances.

I was nervous the whole weekend leading up to it. I arrived at the studio at 4:30 on Sunday (the show would start at 5:30). Once I walked in and was surrounded by my fellow pole addicts, everyone getting dressed and prepared, my nervousness disappeared. I could feel everyone’s excitement in the air and it was contagious.

We warmed up, checked music, talked, got mentally prepared… then, as more and more people started arriving, audience members were ushered into the studio and we, the performers, went back up front to continue warming up. Darcey and Angela gave us all a pep talk. Then it was time to start the show!

We walked in a single-file line into the studio and were met with a huge round of applause. For the first part of the show, we were all dressed in pink and black (official PoleLaTeaz colors!) so we’d have a unified feel. Darcey introduced the show and gave people an idea of what to expect. Then each of us talked briefly about our personal experience with pole dancing, how long we’ve been doing it, what kinds of things it’s done for us, etc. I think this was probably the most inspiring part to Level 1 students and prospective students in the audience.

After the introductions, we broke up into three groups and did pole circuits for four songs. Let me see if I can remember all the moves we did… fireman, chair, pinwheel, fireball, climbing, inverting. (I think that was it.)

We took a brief intermission, changed outfits, and got another pep talk from Darcey. Then the solo performances started. The first performance was actually Angela and Talya doing a duet, which was awesome. After their performance, Darcey explained to the audience that theirs had been choreographed, but the rest of the performances were improv.

Everyone was so impressive! The only person I didn’t get to see perform was Melissa, because she went before me, so I was out in the hall warming up. When it was my turn to go on, I felt a little wound up, but I wouldn’t say I was nervous exactly. Also, I decided to perform without my glasses on - which I almost never do - so that I wouldn’t be able to see people’s faces in the audience! That definitely helped quell any remaining apprehension that lingered. I also asked Rusty not to record me, which I think helped me feel not pressured (although as I said already, now I wish he would’ve secretly recorded anyway!).

All in all it was an amazing show. I just wish there were even more opportunities like this! Angela said people would definitely pay for a show like this (she’s gotten tons of emails asking how much it costs, etc.) and she said she wants to start a “clothed strip club” and give us all the money! I know she’s mostly joking, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I really wish there were more places where you could see good, fun, interesting pole dancing without it being a strip club. Not that I have anything against strip clubs, but there need to be alternatives to that type of environment. I mean for one thing, it pisses me off that a lot of the male customers in strip clubs have basically no appreciation for any pole work the dancers do. When a bunch of us from PoleLaTeaz went to Mardi Gras back in November, we were clapping and hollering and tipping like crazy, and several strippers told us it was a much better atmosphere with us there.

Oh, that reminds me, before the show started, someone (Eva, I think?) said, “I want everyone to reach into your pockets…” -and you could tell we were all expecting her to say something about bringing out money! But she said, “…and turn off your cell phones.” We all laughed because we were ready to accept any and all cash donations. Ah well, maybe next time! ;)

Yesterday on Twitter I said, “I wish I could pole dance EVERY night.”

Lately I’ve been feeling strange, kind of down in the dumps, and I can’t really put my finger on what it is. I just feel like something isn’t right, and I want to get to the bottom of it. I feel this way more in the mornings; maybe my serotonin level is lower in the morning? I don’t know.

But I do know that I feel happy, alive, and on top of the world when I’m pole dancing. I wish I could do it even more than I already do.

Last night we started the fourth installation of Level 5/6, the “master” pole level, which will continue indefinitely, because they can’t get rid of us pole addicts! They’re also going to start offering Cardio Pole classes (thirty minutes of nothing but pole circuits, for Level 3 and above) every Wednesday at 6:30 during May and June, and I signed up for all eight of ‘em last night. I can go straight from work.

I have my pole at home and I practice on it as much as possible, but it’s challenging given the dimensions of the stage and such. I can’t wait until we buy a house/condo/whatever and can install a permanent pole.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than to just reiterate how much I love pole dancing. Few things make me happier. I’m still kind of in awe of the fact that I found an athletic activity that I enjoy so much.

Sunday night’s student/instructor showcase was a massive success, btw. Angela said they’ve been receiving tons of emails asking when the next show is. She said they’re probably going to do these shows once a quarter. I kind of feel like I shouldn’t try to be in every show because other people might want a chance, but on the other hand, I just really love performing. I think Sunday night was one of my best performances ever. I told Rusty not to record me, which, I think, is actually part of why I did so well - I didn’t feel pressured. But then I wished he had recorded me, because I did so well. So next time maybe he should just secretly record me, whether I ask him to or not!

There was a brief instance of inappropriate/unwanted touching after the show, which just exemplifies (yet again) the problems Jenny talked about in her “Sex, Guys, and Videotape” post. Hello - it is NOT OKAY to put your arm around me, dude I’ve never met. I don’t care if I’m in my underwear. I don’t care if I’ve been dancing half-naked. I don’t care if you’re congratulating me on a good performance. ‘Cause really all of it has fuck all to do with you, so GO AWAY.

But let’s not end this somewhat stream-of-consciousness post on a negative note! Sunday night was great, and I just wish I could carry the feeling I have when I’m pole dancing with me all the time. Oh, and I need to write a separate post about Angela’s half-joking idea about starting Atlanta’s first clothed strip club.

I made this video Monday night… I’ll just paste in the description I wrote on the blip.tv page:

On April 21, we had a recital for the end of the current Level 5/6 session. (I think this is the third one I’ve been in? I’ve lost count.) I thought about recording my performance, but decided against it because I couldn’t get the lighting right and was still getting over being sick, so I didn’t want the pressure. But I felt like I did really well in my performance, and I had a really cute outfit, so when I came home I was inspired to make a new video. So here I am, dancing to PJ Harvey’s “Sheela-Na-Gig,” which is also the song I danced to for my Level 3 graduation.

Please excuse the noise from me sliding on the pole and my feet slamming down on the stage. I had the music up as loud as it would go, but I should’ve put the iPod dock closer to the camera. That song is one of those really quiet songs… you know, where no matter how high the volume is, for some reason it’s still lower than other songs.

The extraneous noise annoys me, but all in all, I think this video turned out way better than my first attempt at dancing to a full song with my home set-up!

(Oh, and there’s a little bit of Mary J. Blige at the end, complete with a little booty-shaking…)

Click To Play

Be gentle…!

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning at 11:00. I’d known about it for a couple weeks, it had been on my Google calendar and my work Outlook calendar, I even looked at my Google calendar last night and thought, “Okay, I need to leave the office at around 10:30 tomorrow”… and yet when the time rolled around today, I totally spaced. I was sitting there at my desk, happily working away, feeling good and productive, and at around 11:15 the phone rings and it’s my psychiatrist. As soon as I heard her voice I thought, “Oh, shit!” I think I actually said something more like, “Oh, crap!” but the sentiment was the same.

I apologized for missing the appointment; she asked if everything was okay, and I said yes. She asked how I was feeling and if I had enough medication, and if I’d like to reschedule for two weeks (I did).

Then I said, “I can’t believe I totally forgot. I’m really sorry, this is so not like me.”

And she said, “We need to talk about that.”

:| Really?? Give me a break!

I replied, “The only thing to talk about there is that my Outlook calendar didn’t pop up a reminder.”

Seriously, that remark really grated on me. Not everything is some pathological symptom. God! Then Jenny and I were chatting about it over IM, and Jenny said, “Why is there so much drama in mental health?”

And it’s true, there is!

I’m not going to be going to that place much longer, anyway. I had what I decided would be my final appointment with the therapist last week, and after my next appointment with the psychiatrist or whenever I can find someone else to prescribe my meds (whichever comes first), I won’t be going back there. I had already made that decision. For one thing, it’s up in Dunwoody, and my therapist’s office hours are the exact same as mine, so I have to take a couple hours off in the middle of the work day every time I go up there (it takes 30 minutes to drive each way, plus an hour-long appointment). But more importantly/annoyingly, they don’t file insurance for you!!

Okay, this is a place with several different therapists and psychiatrists working there, with a full administrative staff. In that way it’s a lot like the place I went when I lived in Texas, where I absolutely loved my therapist; in fact, seeing her was one of the only really positive things about my stay in Texas. Guess what, that place filed insurance just like any doctor’s office would. I mean, I could almost understand the insurance thing if it were one person in private practice; almost. I would still be annoyed, because to me that is part of their job. And I’ve been to therapists who are running their own show (ie, not working in an office w/ others) who do file insurance, and don’t complain to their clients about what a pain in the ass it is. But when it’s at a place where there’s an office staff of four or five people?? Are you kidding me? It makes me wonder what the office staff does. And I hate the attitude I’ve gotten from everyone there that they can’t be bothered, because it’s just soooo hard and complicated and there are just “too many different kinds of insurance” (actual quote) and they just can’t handle it… so, here, client, deal with the big towering bureaucracy of the insurance companies on your own!!

As such, I’ve filed claims for every visit - filed most of them at least twice, in fact. (The first time I filed, I called a few weeks later to check on the status and they said they had “no record” of any claims for me. Convenient!) Some of them I’ve filed three times. And still, only two claims are showing up in my records online, and both of those are taken fully from my deductible, whereas if the office staff did it, it would be like any other doctor’s visit where you just pay your co-pay.

I need to call Blue Cross Blue Shield again and check up on the claims and find out why some of them haven’t been accepted even though I’ve filed all the paperwork multiple times… but I’ve been procrastinating, because honestly, that shit stresses me out, and it takes time to hang on the phone, talk to the people at the company, get transferred around… and guess what, I have to work, I don’t really have time for that bullshit. That’s supposed to be the job of an office staff person! And you know, I go to therapy to reduce stress, not to add to it!

Rant over, for now. I actually have more to say about this whole issue, but this has gotten pretty long!

ETA: Oh, and of course they are charging me for the missed appointment. Good luck getting that claim paid, I bet!

ETA, pt. 2: Heh. Despite my excessive use of exclamation points herein, I promise I am not drunk.

My good friend Miss Debris Blanche has moved to Wordpress.com, with a new blog name, a new layout - and, I believe, a first post that should win a prize for “best first post.”

In addition to just being hilarious and a great writer, she does a good job of putting into words an approximation of why I love the South:

So, why haven’t I left yet??? I guess b/c, for better or worse, it’s my home. There is a special vein of insanity in the South that can’t be duplicated. The city I live in has a law on the books requiring everyone to own a handgun. And, for some reason, a great number of Southerners enjoy Civil War re-enactment — I guess so they can lose over and over and over again!

On the other hand, we have the best food, (many of) the best writers, and (many of) the best bands/musicians (such as R.E.M., the B-52’s, Ray Charles and James Brown … and the Allman Brothers, if that’s your thing).

This is a very friendly, hospitable place, yet it’s also an incredibly warped and haunted place. Love it or leave it, they say … if the right opportunity arose, I might go. (Though I’d probably come back eventually!) But in the meantime, it makes great copy, and maybe, just maybe, us thinkin’ folk who stay behind can keep fighting the good fight and help drag our homeland into the 21st century. Even if it’s as small a start as being able to buy a 6-pack at Kroger on Sunday.

This is something I’ve found hard to convey to non-Southerners, and so I’ve taken the tack of saying, “If you’re not from the South, you don’t get it.” Now I can just point people to this description!

I’ll bemoan certain aspects of the South from time to time - and believe me, there is plenty worth bemoaning - but whenever I hear someone who isn’t from here talking about the South this and the South that, I can get pretty vitriolic. (Like the friend who started pontificating about “What I don’t like about the South is…” sophomore year at NYU, until I stopped him and asked, “Have you ever been to the South?” Yeah, I think you can figure out what his answer was.) I guess it’s like, if you have siblings, you can make fun of your siblings but nobody else better dare.

One difference between the excerpt above, though, and my feeling on the matter: the opportunity has arisen, and I did leave, and I came back - twice. And I never want to leave again. This is my home, and when I was away, I missed something that I hadn’t even realized I valued. I ran to New York after high school, and really, can you blame me? 18 years in Augusta was rough, to use a wild understatement. And that year and a half at NYU was a wonderful experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I wouldn’t know Dacia if it weren’t for that, or a few other friends who, admittedly, I mainly keep in touch with via Facebook these days. I probably would’ve stayed at NYU for the whole four years if money and other life circumstances hadn’t intervened, and I wonder what my life would be like now if I’d done that?

-But anyway, not to get off on a tangent… the time when I really felt a seering homesickness was when I lived in Texas. Granted, I had other really difficult stuff going on at the time, but I don’t think Dallas and I were ever meant for each other. My one consolation, as silly as it might sound now, was sweet tea from the Chick-Fil-A on the other side of Central Expressway. And for as much as I used to hate on Atlanta when I’d never even really been here before, isn’t it hilarious (and ironic?) that this place feels more like home to me than anywhere else ever has.

Can’t say I care for the Allman Brothers, though!

The birthday of the Beast

Originally uploaded by cesarastudillo

Today my blog turns six. (It’s also the one-year anniversary of me moving to WordPress. Oh, and I’m celebrating by being at work and being sick.) Hard to believe all that’s happened in that timespan! I’ve graduated from college, started and graduated from grad school, gotten the biggest shock of my life, moved to Texas, gotten divorced, moved to Atlanta, worked at… let’s see… at least five different jobs, met some great new friends, reconnected with some old friends, and most importantly, met the GDBF (and our three-year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks!).

What will be the next chapter in my life with a blog?

I am not happy with the villifying of Seal Press I’ve seen in the blogosphere recently. No, not happy at all. There, I said it.

I wonder what people expect. And I mean realistic expectations. How would YOU react if you were Brooke and Krista? Seriously?

They are not this big mythical insulated power-house super-corporation. They are people. Just people. Like all the rest of us.

I guess I can relate because people have pulled shit like this with “criticizing” PodCamp Atlanta and Sex 2.0… and it’s like, HEY. This is a one-person operation. (And specific to these two cases, they are unconferences, so if you don’t like what’s going on, fix it instead of just complaining, like the guy who was whining about the sound quality on some of the podcasts.)

Also this irritates me because, well, Seal Press has done a lot for publishing women’s voices. And this is the kind of thing that just… does not sit well with me. It makes me itch.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. I would say more but I’m afraid of people coming over here and trying to rip me a new asshole, and then expecting me to be all gracious about their “criticism.”

Also I am waiting for the BBC to call me back about a radio interview and trying not to freak out. Nerves, be calm! It’s probably a good thing I didn’t have any caffeine this morning. I hope my cell phone doesn’t lose reception when/if they call.

Today we had a volunteer meeting for Sex 2.0. Including me, there were seven people in attendance. I was happy that there was such a good turnout! We put together name badges (which were printed last night on the beautiful template Rusty created), went over basic rules (e.g., be a hard-ass about time limits on sessions), and talked about what people would do on their specific “shifts” (and acknowledged that a large part of the volunteer role is helping me not freak out). I felt a bit awkward and nervous, and hoped I didn’t seem too disorganized. I was also getting flustered because often people seemed to be having several conversations at once. I know that tends to happen when you get a group of a certain size, but it makes it difficult for me to concentrate on any of the conversations. And it made me worry that maybe I wasn’t coming across as a confident organizer.

Even though I am full of worry about Sex 2.0, I’m also very excited. I truly think it will be an amazing event. One guy I did an interview with a few days ago called it a “watershed event.” Woohoo!

I’m still afraid that people will get pissed about stuff I can’t control (e.g., if the wifi is slow or not working), or about stuff they should’ve known but didn’t take the time to read the web site, or other stuff, and take it out on me because I’m the organizer after all. I’m trying to remember that you can’t please everyone, and if people decide to whine instead of being proactive, that’s their problem. But like my therapist said a few weeks ago, it’s not useful to tell me not to take things personally, because that’s just how I am. I will take things personally. Especially when it’s something like Sex 2.0, which is basically my labor of love come to fruition. (Wow, what’s with the birthing metaphor?)

But. The bottom line: Sex 2.0 will be great.

Oh… I should also mention that I completed my 365 Days project about a week ago. I did miss a few days over the course of the year, but only about ten total. I still haven’t uploaded all the photos - I need to go through iPhoto and do that - but eventually I’ll put up a link to the full Flickr set.

Almost six years into my blogging “career” (ha!), and still, I feel that nasty uncomfortableness of having stuff I want to say, but feeling like I can’t (or shouldn’t?) say it here.

Ugh.

I keep trying to remember Helen Thomas’s beautifully simple answers to people’s questions about much larger issues…

Maybe when I’m in my 80s I’ll be totally fine with saying “fuck it” and writing whatever the fuck I want.

I’d like to get to that point while I’m still in my 20s, though!

I am very unhappy with some stuff I’ve been reading in the blogosphere lately, and I have opinions and I think they are damn good ones and very valid, and I haven’t just pulled ‘em out of my ass. I am itching to say what I think. It’s my blog, I should say whatever the hell I want! I just really cannot handle people coming over here and talking shit at me, though. I really can’t. Not just DO NOT WANT. But truly, CANNOT DEAL.

Maybe I’ll close comments.

I don’t know.

But I know one thing… for now, I need sleep.

Ahem. I had every intention of writing a WAM wrap-up post while it was still fresh in my mind, but then I had a little, er, fender-bender, and subsequently freaked out.

But as you’ve probably gathered by now, WAM was awesome. I had a blast, and it was energizing, inspiring, and fun (except for the Saturday night party, which brought back lots of bad middle school memories; but, I also met the super-cool Lisa Jervis and Debbie Rasmussen that night, so there was some good to the night).

I’ve been to a lot of conferences, but I can say with confidence that this was the best conference I’ve been to yet. Helen Thomas was introduced (appropriately) as “the patron saint of not shutting up,” and her keynote was wonderful. The sessions I went to were great. They were chock full of good, thoughtful discussion and useful, practical information. (True, I didn’t find the talking to editors session particularly useful, but hopefully there are people who did.)

Dacia’s session in particular was amazing. An entire hour and a half of conversation about sex work and the media, without devolving into the same old pro/anti bullshit. It was a smart move on Dacia’s part to lay out some ground rules at the beginning of the session; I think that’s a big part of what made the session actually productive. And, a cool new project that’s already got a lot of interest came out of it: Sex Work 101 (as mentioned here).

I am in awe of Jaclyn Friedman for making such an awesome event happen (and I told her so, in very effusive terms). I’m looking forward to next year!

All my live-blogging can be found here. Did I mention that Cover It Live rocks?

People I met:

• Joanne McNeil
• Sarah Jenny Bleviss
• Axon Damien Luxe
• Octogalore
• Apostate
• Hugo Schwyzer
• Debbie Rasmussen from Bitch Magazine
• Lisa Jervis from Bitch Magazine
• Jill from Feministe - I got the impression that Jill didn’t want to talk to me… we met at the Sunday brunch buffet and it seemed like she was faking a smile… but I could be wrong (stranger things have happened). Anyway, I was happy to meet her, and hopefully the feeling was mutual!
• Roy MacKenzie
• Tough Like a Creampuff
• Jaclyn Friedman

And, of course, a few photos:

More here.

See ya next year, WAM!

WAM was so so so much fun and so inspiring. I will write a wrap-up post soon. I meant to do it today, but then I wrecked my car for the second time in a week and I feel like a fucking moron and I spent a large portion of the afternoon crying profusely and freaking out. Currently we are waiting for USAA to call Rusty back, because when he called them earlier their computers were down. If we don’t hear from them tonight, he’ll call back in the morning. Then we’ll have to get my car towed to the Nissan dealership where I keep thinking they’re going to make fun of me, and the insurance adjuster will have to come look at it, and I’ll pay the deductible and hopefully not much more.

But god I feel so stupid.

Anyway now I need to get ready to go to pole dancing class. Rusty says exercise will make me feel better… so I’m going. I hope it helps.

And I’m trying to concentrate on the joy that was WAM.

Today was a great day and I had a great time… eh, can you tell I’m exhausted by the fact that I’m not trying to think of more creative adjectives? I’m lying in bed in the hotel now, and it’s soooo nice. Tomorrow we have to get up early (unlike today where we slept in and ordered room service, finally making it to the conference at 11:00) and I definitely need some down-time after the hustle and bustle of the day.

We went to the WAM party tonight, for about an hour, even though both of us would’ve been okay w/ staying in the hotel room. I guess we felt we had to make an appearance - maybe Dacia moreso than I. But I was a little interested/excited to go, too… I guess I thought I would get to meet people or something. But who am I kidding… it sucked like all parties like that suck. Loud music, claustrophobic, hot…

I mean don’t get me wrong, I did meet a few cool people from Bitch magazine and had fun talking to them. They were super nice and so I am happy about that part. But the rest of it? Honestly, I just felt like a major loser. It sucked. I don’t know how to get over that or if I ever will/can - or if I should! Personally, I don’t think I should try… it’s just how I am. But there’s always so much pressure from people to be all extraverted and shit, and sometimes it does affect me a little even if I try not to let it.

Then there was this random girl (I don’t know who she was, anyway) who came up and inserted herself into the conversation w/ me, Dacia, and the Bitch ladies, and wanted to take a photo. Okay, cool. So we all stood together and smiled… then she shows the photo and it’s the three of them and not me. And it’s not like I was standing off to the side or something! She very deliberately cut me out, and I don’t understand why. Then she took a second version of the photo and did it again!! That’s really fucking weird to me. I felt like I was back in middle school and I was the social outcast that no one wanted to be seen with.

Anyway. Speaking of photos (and trying to end on a more positive note). I tried to get a lot of good “action shots” of the conference today, and I think I succeeded. Tomorrow I need to get someone to take a photo of me and Dacia looking sexy and awesome together. Also she gave me a bad-ass Waking Vixen T-shirt, so I need a photo of me wearing it.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s sessions. Did I mention that Cover It Live fucking rules?

…because I’m too tired* to do anything else. Sometimes cop-outs can work, though.

• As you may have seen if you follow my Twitter updates, I got into a little fender-bender yesterday morning. To be specific, I freakin’ backed into a parked car. :P Oh well… not much damage was done to either vehicle. Mine is getting repaired Thursday, and it costs less than my insurance deductible, so no need for a claim on my part. If the other driver has an issue, my insurance will take care of it. J. put a silver lining on the situation by pointing out that my new car would inevitably get dinged up at some point anyway, so at least I’ve gone ahead and gotten it out of the way - actively!
• We’re going to court Thursday. That’s all I’m going to say right now, but I’ll say more afterward. It should certainly be interesting, one way or another.
• This is also happening on Thursday, and Rusty and I will be there. I’ll need to remember to bring my “I’m Blogging This” T-shirt with me to change into, in case we don’t have time to go home after court. Other ATL bloggers, come on out! It should be a rollicking good time, especially if Susan Capaluto (sp?) shows up. (And is it just me, or does anybody else wonder why the Equifax guy is on the panel? That seems random.)
• On Friday I’m heading to Boston (well, Cambridge) for the Women, Action & the Media conference. The keynote speakers are Helen Thomas and Haifa Zangana. I’m excited! I’ll get to meet some bloggers I’ve read for a while, and Dacia and I will be sharing a hotel room so we can be shut-ins when the socializing gets too overwhelming. And I’m looking forward to Dacia’s session on sex workers and media representation; after the past couple weeks, she should have plenty to talk about! (Not as if she didn’t already!)
• Apparently my site, like a lot of Dreamhost sites, was down for a few hours today. One of these days I’ll actually switch hosts, I swear. Anyway, this means my del.icio.us links didn’t get posted today, which annoys me, because I had some good ones. I’ll probably post them manually tomorrow, but in particular I wanted to point out that this post really resonated with me, and I might have more to say on it later.
• I cross-posted my “Why I Quit Download Squad” treatise on BlogHer.
• Be sure to register for Sex 2.0 by Friday if you want to pay $40 instead of $50! Meanwhile, I will try not to freak out too much between now and April 12.
• I swear I’ll blog about the manicure thing one day. I have lots to say, oh yes. Dacia and I are getting manis and pedis Friday night in Boston. So maybe I’ll blog about it then!

* I’m a naturally sleepy person, but the Lexapro has made me feel downright fatigued. I don’t like that one bit. So this morning I cut the pill in half, and it seemed to help a bit. Hopefully that’ll be the way to go.

Today Rusty and I went to Frolicon… for about an hour.

Last year I was really annoyed that Frolicon was the same weekend as PodCamp NYC, which meant we’d miss it because we already had plans to go to New York. I interviewed Beth, one of the organizers, and she was a total sweetheart. I vowed that we wouldn’t miss Frolicon 2008! (And yet I wrote about it on Radlanta as if I knew what I was talking about.)

But as the day got closer, I was less and less excited about it. I guess after going to more events along similar themes, I had more of an expectation that this wouldn’t be my cup of tea. Really I only went in order to put a stack of Sex 2.0 postcards and condoms on the swag* table. Then I got mad at myself because I didn’t think ahead enough to include that stuff in the swag bags everyone gets at registration; there were postcards in there for Whippersnappers, Swinging Atlanta, SELF, and other groups/events like that. Why didn’t I think of that? I was so pissed.

Still, hopefully some new registrants will come out of the stack on the table. As we were leaving I saw a few people stopping by and looking at stuff. One guy started talking to me about Camille Paglia as I was putting the postcards on the table. That was kind of weird.

So yeah, we only stayed for about an hour, and most of that time was spent paying way too much money for a mediocre buffet lunch. What can I say, fetish/kink/BDSM stuff just doesn’t do it for me. In fact, it kind of irritates me. More power to people who are into it - some of my best friends, etc. This isn’t a slam or judgment on folks who like that stuff. I’m just not one of ‘em. I like fucking. I can’t be bothered with all the costumes and role-playing and master/slave this and foot-worship that and yadda yadda yadda.

Speaking of fucking, we briefly considered going to Trapeze tonight, because a couple who’d commented on our Trapeze review podcast said they were going, and we’re interested in meeting them at some point. But I’m still on the tail-end of the haze while my body chemistry adjusts to Lexapro, plus I’m on my period, so we figured it’s not the best night to go. I wouldn’t be feeling up to it because of the meds, but also that period thing… it’s like one of the last taboos. In Best Sex Writing 2008, Trixie Fontaine writes about her problems with getting credit card billing companies for her period porn site… it’s considered “extreme,” and even though they’ll deal with pretty much anything else you can imagine (and plenty of stuff you can’t), somehow a woman’s period is THE GROSSEST THING EVER. What the hell! Why is it such a big fucking deal?? (That’s a rhetorical question, so don’t bother trying to come up with an answer. THERE ISN’T ONE.) Seriously. If you can’t handle the fact that yes, most women get their period every month, and no, your dick won’t shrivel up and fall off if you fuck her during that time… then just turn in your Sex Card right now, because you don’t deserve it.

Well, I was going to write about how I got a manicure the other day, but I can’t think of a clever transition and this is long enough already. So I’ll write about the manicure thing tomorrow, because it’s likely to spiral off into a tangent about class and expectations and social stratification. Betcha can’t wait!

* I’ve recently learned that the spelling “schwag” refers to marijuana. “Swag” is actually an acronym… “stuff we all get!”

You’re probably thinking, “But Amber, you had just started there!” Yeah, I did - in January. And two months later, I’m quitting. All my posts are here, but there won’t be any more coming.

The comments in my last post spiraled out of control, quickly. Right now it’s up to 92 comments (but for the past twenty or so it’s been the same two guys beating their chests at each other). From the beginning, I probably should’ve created a Gmail filter to automatically delete comment notifications (which I did later), but I didn’t want to miss any good comments.

Then the attacks started pouring in.

I didn’t want to comment, because I knew it would be pointless. But then I left one snarky comment, and then a few more. Even as I was doing it I was feeling the emotional toll, and yet it was like the car accident phenomenon of not being able to look away.

And then I got some emails from fellow Download Squad bloggers who said they found my comments “reprehensible,” “close-minded,” and “mean-spirited.” They characterized the trolls, slut-baiters, and anti-feminists* as “disagreeing” and “addressing [me] civilly and, for the most part, maturely.”

So.

After lots and lots of thought on the matter, I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue writing at Download Squad. The kind of thing that happened on that last thread is just not a healthy environment for me to be in. I know how those kinds of situations affect me, and it would be extremely detrimental for me to continue putting myself in such a position.

It’s not that I’m all that surprised, really. I mean I’m not stupid or naïve. I guess I just… thought? hoped? wanted to believe? it would be different this time. But I’ve gotten that kind of reaction so many times, in so many different places, that at this point I can’t even try to enumerate them. That’s why I made the commenter Bingo card; it really is like marking squares off a board. They say the same shit every time. And some people have a thick skin, and that stuff doesn’t get to them, and they stand tall in the face of it and shout their message out to people who are determined not to hear it, in the hope that maybe 1 person out of 1,000 will listen and really think about what they’ve said…

But I’m not one of those people.

I’ve mentioned before that this is why I don’t consider myself a hardcore activist. I’m not cut out for it. I can say with reasonable certainty that being on the front lines of this kind of stuff would turn me suicidal.

I do very well in face-to-face one-on-one interactions where I know the other person sees me as a fully equal human being and is willing to listen respectfully and thoughtfully to what I’m saying. I enjoy those interactions; I enjoy respectful, intelligent debate. I do not enjoy or do well in verbal onslaughts where people are telling me I need to shut up, go away, show ‘em my tits, get laid, change who I am if I want to be taken seriously, and by the way why am I so ugly, why am I such a whore, etc. etc. etc.

For the sake of my own health (not to mention self-respect!), I won’t allow myself to be spoken to that way. And as I learned a long time ago, the “just ignore them” adage does not work.

As I said in the fateful Download Squad post, it’s important to keep hacking away at these bullshit barriers. And I completely believe and agree with the sentiments expressed here. But, I can’t do it on a large scale. This is something I know about myself; I can fight this fight with individuals and very small groups, but not with large groups or (god forbid) “the public.”

It’s an important fight. But it’s one we all have to do our own way, and that is not my way.

Maybe Download Squad can find someone with a thicker skin to write what was my column.

* Funny thing… I was called a radical feminist on that thread. That’s one thing that does make me laugh. Inevitably, in discussions (and I use that word loosely) with people like the lovely DLS commenters, I will eventually be called a radical feminist. Usually I’ll be called a lesbian as well, or the question will be raised of when I last had a good deep-dicking. Oh, if only they knew… actual radical feminists can’t stand me! And they accuse me of being some kind of girly-girl embodiment of the common man’s wet dream, which also cracks me up. Little do they know, the common man is calling me one of them!

Yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist, recommended by the therapist (a licensed clinical social worker) I’ve been seeing. The last time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was in college, and he’s the one who originally prescribed Wellbutrin for me. I don’t remember who prescribed it for me when I lived in Texas. When I moved to Atlanta, my primary care doctor started prescribing it for me, and admonishing me to see a therapist, since I wasn’t going to one at the time. A couple years ago that doctor stopped working after she had a baby, and the doctor’s office assigned me to another primary care doctor for insurance purposes, but I’ve never actually met the guy. Nevertheless, the office keeps refilling my prescription every time I call for refills.

All of this is to say, I’ve been on Wellbutrin now for about 5-6 years, and it’s been working great the whole time. But I knew that sooner or later I would have to see a real live doctor for med maintenance, as it’s called.

And more importantly, for the past several months - okay, going on a year now - there have been times when I’ve felt as if I might be sliding into depression. I can spot the warning signs, and I want to do everything possible to make sure I don’t end up there again; it’s not fun (obvious statement of the year). After talking with my therapist though, we both think it’s more anxiety than depression.

Oh, I should back up: a few months ago I started seeing a therapist again. She’s up in Dunwoody, and it takes two hours out of a workday for me to go see her (her office hours are exactly the same as mine). The office doesn’t file insurance, which pisses me off, because I have to file it myself, and so far I haven’t gotten any refund checks (the first time I mailed in my claims, and later called to see if they’d been received, and was told they had “no record” of the claims… no surprise there). Anyway, I really like this therapist, and I’ve been seeing her every other week; but I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up, with the travel time and the insurance pain in the ass.

There are a few psychiatrists at the office too, and she recommended I see one for a medication evaluation. So that’s what I did yesterday. The doctor decided to keep my current dosage of Wellbutrin and also add a small dosage of Lexapro, which is anti-anxiety medication. I’ll be getting that prescription filled this week, and within a few weeks to a month I should start to see results… hopefully good ones. She said Lexapro can cause nausea; I hope I don’t have that problem.

And can I just say, I am really irritated with therapists’ offices (or any doctors’ offices, but I’ve never known any other than psychologist/psychiatrist offices that act this way) that don’t file insurance for you. My therapist said, “There are just too many different types of insurance.” Well excuse me, that’s why there’s an office staff! My therapist in Texas (whom I loved; seriously, when I moved back to Georgia I wished I could take her with me) worked at an office a lot like this one, and they filed insurance with no problem. I think it’s presumptuous and lazy for them to expect patients to do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the refund checks for the appointments I’ve paid for so far, especially the $300 appointment yesterday. It just pisses me off, because I’m paying for insurance but of course they give you the run-around. (Again, why can’t everywhere be nice and responsive like USAA? Sad that service like that is a minority…)

Anyway, that’s that. I know I got off on a tangent, so this is partially an insurance rant and partially an update on my mental health situation. I’m publishing it now… without proofreading!

Btw, thanks to everyone who has been sending emails asking if we’re okay. The tornado missed Decatur completely; I feel very fortunate right now. I’ve been following people’s coverage via Twitter, and watching footage on WSB. Dave was at the Flatiron in East Atlanta when the tornado came through. It ripped a hole in the roof of the Georgia Dome… there’s damage to some hotels, CNN Center, other downtown buildings… so far, no news of fatalities though.