Being Amber Rhea

Renee is right on with this:

I am sure that for most women this is an experience that we all communally share. The silencing can come in many forms, direct interruption, or criticism of our tone. How many times has a powerful woman been told that her voice has a nagging or whining quality to it? This reduces us to our biology and renders our opinions irrelevant.

Many women have become jaded and simply accepted this silencing without further thought. This is a mistake. When we allow men to control the conversation we are granting them power to control our social discourse. If men can always decide what is and isn’t relevant conversation our issues will never be significantly addressed.

Fear of being disciplined is not an excuse to become subservient. It takes courage to speak truth to power, but when we consider what is at stake, it is an act of gender annihilation to remain silent. Men will not engage about the harms of domestic violence, rape, pay inequity, childcare, femicide, and sexual harassment; these are womens issues. Even when we are speaking about benign subjects their interruption is a co option of our space and an expression of male privilege. It has far reaching implications because it infers (sic) that womens needs and concerns are secondary to their thought processes. The man that does not value your mind, views you as a fuckable object, or a mother replacement.

The next time you are interrupted look at the man who had the temerity to think that his words somehow were more important than yours and let him know that you were speaking. What you have to say matters and no amount of chest thumping testosterone should ever make you feel small.

So, real quick, regarding my post from last night - the part where I talked about being frustrated w/ a lot of the “privilege” talk and how it’s come to be used as a barb to throw at someone - today I came upon some posts by Renee at Womanist Musings that deal w/ privilege, and while I don’t agree entirely w/ all her points in these posts, I think her points about privilege are right on and do a good job of describing what it IS and what it ISN’T. </stupidly_long_sentence> Hence:

Not exploiting or oppressing is what each person should actively be engaged in, and to think that abstaining from using your available power for personal gain is worthy of special recognition is once again an exercise of privilege. A man that does the dishes does not deserve praise because he is a man doing the dishes. A person that eliminates racial slurs from their daily vocabulary does not deserve praise for recognizing that this language is hurtful.

Honouring each person despite the “isms” attached to their body is part of human responsibility, and part of owning personal privilege. To say that I deserve a reward or recognition is akin to belittling the people on whose behalf you labour. It keeps hierarchy in the relationship in that you are positioning yourself as good because you have lowered yourself to help and this undoes any progress that your personal labours have made.

(from Allies, Privileges and Pats On The Back)

It is not acceptable to say, I am not racist, sexist, homophobic etc and therefore any accusation of privilege is misplaced. These privileges are encoded to the body before birth simply because of the society we are all born into. We do not live outside of socialization we are the product of it.

To become defensive and immediately stammer, oh no not me, is a clear indicator of denial. It is this very state of denial that allows privilege to maintain its insidious grip on society. One cannot actively fight against interlocking isms while continuing to deny the effect that they personally have on you. How are you to convince anyone that inequality is systemic, if you as an individual continue to benefit without acknowledgement? It is dishonest and begins ally work from a false groundwork. It’s like saying I’m not racist because my best friend as a kid was black. People see that kind of commentary for exactly what it is.

(from Shall We Talk About Privilege)

As for not wanting to advance in the corporate world; what must be factored in is that women manage the majority of domestic duties, childcare and elder care, exactly how do you expect them to compete in professions that demand 100% commitment. It is not like the male run government has socialized daycare, or organized communal kitchens, or a form of exchange for housekeeping. The doting husbands that we are all supposed to worship are still not doing 50%, and men wonder why it is that women have difficulty managing career and family. Here is a tip, there are 24 hours in a day and no matter how amazing your wife or partner is, eventually she has to sleep. Apparently God rested on the seventh day so get off our collective backs, and do some damn laundry.

(from Ssssh Male Privilege Is Meant To Be A Secret)

I am the first to admit that social construction is damaging to both sexes but I must question why it is necessary to continually make this an issue on women’s blogs? There are so many aspects of sexism that go unchallenged in our society because we have normalized the marginalization of women. Feminists have had to fight, and claw to get the smallest of validation for the difficulties of living life as a woman in this phalocentric world, and yet even in these small spaces, men have managed to continually interject themselves into the debate.

(from Men In Womens Spaces, Dear God What About The Men?)

I have several posts on particular topics saved as drafts, but since I’ll probably never actually write them all, I decided I’ll just do one post addressing all or most of them. Besides, reading my archives (which I’ve been doing periodically over the past week or so, as I slowly go through and tag the old pre-WP entries and update old URLs) made me remember that that’s how I used to write my blog all the time, that’s what comes naturally to me, and that’s why and how I started blogging in the first place. So, back to basics!
Read the full post »

Executive summary of a few posts that have been in draft mode entirely too long. Bold part is the current title of the draft.

• class privilege - it’s not a game of pick-up-stix
  There was a meme going around several months ago where you have this big list of things that supposedly indicate class privilege, and you bold the ones that apply to you, and… I guess everybody gets to compete to see who wins the Oppression Olympics. It was apparently adapted from an exercise for a college class, where everyone stands in a row and you take a step forward for each thing that applies to you. But the whole thing annoys the crap out of me because of all the assumptions it’s based on - and I think THAT speaks volumes. Like, one of them was, “You had a lot of books in your house.” And?? How does that indicate class privilege?? Give me a freaking break! We always had a lot of books, because my parents valued reading very highly, not to mention that my mom worked at a bookstore in the 70s so she got a bunch of free books - so I guess that makes me more “privileged,” except for the part where we never had health insurance. Funny, that. Just goes to show, yet again, that you can’t judge by surface appearances only. Sure, someone may have a lot of books, but that tells you exactly jack shit. And why the assumption that only “upper class” people have books??
• If you can’t stand the heat, and other meaningless clichés
  I hate when people say, “Well, if you can’t stand criticism, you shouldn’t be blogging; huff huff huff!” They’re always so proud of themselves, and they wipe their hands of the issue and that’s that. They’ve got it all figured out. Except, that’s total crap. So basically what you’re saying is that if I’m not okay with being treated like garbage and having things that are not meant to be open for “criticism” being micro-analyzed, then I basically need to just shut up. I don’t deserve to speak my truth; my voice doesn’t deserver to be heard. What if this is the only place I can speak such truths, and now you’ve told me I can’t even do it here? As if it’s up to you anyway.
• SitPS local action idea
  Elizabeth’s comment made me think, there really should be local action committees to mobilize around issues of sexual freedom in specific communities. I wish someone other than me would get it together for Georgia, though. I just can’t right now.
• youth sexuality
  Yes, teenagers are sexual beings. Why can’t anybody admit that without having a conniption fit about it? Look, admitting that simple fact doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to have sex with teenagers. Why are we all so weird about it? Have we forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager? Sexuality doesn’t magically appear at age 18, and teenagers are not children. Maturity levels vary greatly, obviously, but that’s true in people who are over 18, too. Frankly when I was a teenager I was offended at being treated like a child, and being told that my feelings and wants didn’t count, because clearly I just didn’t know myself yet, I was too young.
• Two things
  Men absolutely must call out other men on sexism. <– That’s the only thing that’s in the draft. I don’t know what the second thing was supposed to be.

Yet again, I say worthwhile things on other people’s blogs, and then cross-post to mine.

I’m not linking to where I originally said this, because 1) my comment is still in moderation; and 2) the blogger in question might not want me to link, and I want to respect that possibility until I know for sure.

Oh, and typos in the original have been corrected, because yes, I can rewrite history like that! Ha!

Anyhow:

Activists who are intolerant of people who don’t “get it” annoy me, because it’s like, wait, were you just BORN “getting it?” Maybe, but probably not. And if you can help someone see the err of their ways without villifying them, they’re more likely to be a good ally.

On the other hand, though, I do have a BIG problem with what I see all too often from a lot of people who are rightly called out on their sexist/racist/homophobic/whatever behavior: “But I didn’t MEAN it!” So?? The intent is irrelevant. The impact is made. The damage is done. The hurt is real. Now, the adult thing to do is deal with the consequences of your (general “you”) actions instead of expecting the person you hurt to take care of YOUR feelings.

As a blogger I sometimes read recently said:

The pragmatics of the argument are obvious, but it misses the basic human element: oppression is ugly and it hurts. And it’s unfair to tell the victim to “suck it up” and “play nice” in order to force the change and equality that they deserve.

As for certain words, the thing I can’t wrap my head around is: what’s the motivation to continue using them? Why is it so IMPORTANT? What do you LOSE by not using those words? This is what I never understand w/ people - or wait, I’ll say it, ASSHOLES - who talk about how they feel so “attacked” by gay rights activists saying they shouldn’t throw around “faggot,” for example. Why is it so important for you to be able to use a homophobic insult?? What do you gain? I want to say to them (and sometimes do, on the rare occasions when I can stomach dealing with them), you better take a good hard look at yourself if that hurtful word is THAT important to you.

And as for “retard” in particular, I cannot grasp how or why anyone would continue using it after, say, reading Bastante Kim’s posts. Using the word out of ignorance is one thing; it doesn’t make it any less offensive or hurtful, but ignorance can be changed. If one is NOT ignorant and yet continues to use the word, I can only conclude that they are stupid or spiteful.

Update: Linked, per blogger’s permission!

Repost from the comments on this (excellent!) post by Octogalore…

—

Anyway. Looking at older, well-off women (”OWW”) as foreign creatures - moms, or well-off friends’ moms… sometimes, I want to say: how do you know that won’t be you? Why are you so sure these people have no relationship to you or your interests? You really never know. And you really don’t know if, in becoming… that… you’d lose your humanity, perspective, values.

THANK YOU!!!

That’s one of the things that bugs me the most about this whole theme. And it’s not just the age thing, but the “age-with-money” thing. Like, if you reach a certain age, and/or have a certain amount of money, suddenly some evil fairy touches you with their wand and you become “out of touch?”

The money thing in particular, I find quite offensive. As if it’s bad to have money. As if it’s bad to achieve monetary success. I’m sorry, but a whole lot of it reeks of jealousy and cluelessness. And I feel like I can’t say any of this very many places, because people will be like, “Oh yeah? Well, PRIVILEGE!!! You just say that because you must be rich, and you don’t know what it’s like to deal with blah blah blah…”

Oh really?

And those kinds of assumptions make me LIVID. How DARE you (general “you”) assume anything about my past, or my present for that matter, based on the fact that I don’t think having money is the worst sin ever? Having money allows one to do things to help others! Not that you can’t help others without a ton of money, but it sure doesn’t hurt! The economic leverage allows you to do some very concrete things to effect change.

I don’t come from money. AT ALL. I make a decent living in my job now, but I doubt I’ll ever shake the underlying fear/knowledge that the bottom could fall out at any time. That it’s all so tenuous. This is something that I don’t observe in my friends who grew up with a relatively more stable economic situation. They don’t get nervous dropping a few hundred dollars on, say, a new TV, if they have a few thousand in the bank and some savings to boot. Why should they?

Anyway, I’m rambling, and veering all over the place. I hope this makes sense. And aw hell, I might end up reposting it as a post on my own blog.

Ren has yet another anonymous commenter (a.k.a. troll) on her blog. He exhibits many of the characteristics on the Anti-Feminist BINGO card, as well as the follow-up version 2 of said card.

I don’t bother to engage w/ such people, and I recommend against anyone else doing so. But if you want a synopsis, here’s shorter (longer?) Anony:

“Yeah, I mean it sucks that a woman’s sexual history will be put on trial in a rape case and could determine whether or not the rapist is convicted, and if she has ever dared to admit to liking sex that must mean she likes it all the time, with anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances, so how could she be raped; and never mind if she’s a sex worker, and yeah it sucks that sex workers are often abused by law enforcement. I mean sure it sucks that men are congratulated for sexual ‘conquests’ while women are called sluts and their emotional wellbeing, physical health, mental health, competence as parents, competence in their jobs, etc. are called into question all because they dare to have sex on their terms; yeah it’s pretty crappy that women have had their children taken away from them and deemed to be unfit parents, or lost their jobs over sexual activity between consenting adults; yeah I guess it’s a pain in the butt that a woman’s entire self-worth is judged based on the state of her hymen; and it must be kinda annoying dealing with sexual harassment and having it written off as ‘just a joke’ or her being ‘too sensitive,’ and anyway didn’t she ask for it if she’s dressed that way, why doesn’t she want a little attention? Yeah it could suck not being able to walk around by yourself without people yelling comments, not to mention groped and having your physical space disrespected and having no recourse, that must be a minor inconvenience sometimes. ….

But men get made fun of if they can’t find sexual partners! So stop being sexist and talk about THAT! Why can’t you be rational and logical, just like ME!”

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this before, but I just stumbled upon it again tonight and I feel compelled to post it.

The Heterosexual Questionnaire

A few choice outtakes:

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

…

Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

…

A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

…

Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

…of the kind of stuff mentioned here.

This morning I was pulling one of my favorite shirts (seen here) out of the closet, and then I thought, “Oh, I have to go to the creepy eye doctor today; I shouldn’t wear this, he might look down my shirt.”

And then I caught myself.

Because there I was, yet again, as I’ve been taught as a woman, making his potential bad behavior my responsibility.

So I said, “Fuck that, I’m going to wear what I want to wear.”

Everyday sexism, example #787,346,245,986,090.

I cannot even tell you how much I relate to this post.

This part, in particular, struck a chord with me:

I’m pretty sure I have no real concept of the scale of the sexism I’ve experienced in my life. Women are, let’s face it, used to being victims of sexism - we rationalise it away, shrug it off, don’t dwell on it. Which is all very well for short-term personal happiness, but not for revolutionising society. We go out of our way to avoid sexism, which is often self-defeating when our long-practised skills at avoiding abuse result in a lack of convincing examples to persuade anyone that there is, in fact, a problem.

Writing down all the various instances of sexism I experience on a daily or near-daily basis is something that I’ve thought about before. But I’ve never done it, because I think it would end up being too depressing/infuriating to me. I know I tend to internalize my anger, so that would end up being toxic to me. But the flip side is, it just means there are more ignorant men still out there. And of course the flip side of that is, it is so not my job to educate men - they need to do their own homework.

And this comment…

This post is enlightening. I’d not actually realized these things actually happened, and on such a regular basis. Not you’re not overreacting, those are all squicky and nasty things to happen and make me shudder. Presumably because I’m male, I guess, they don’t happen to me, so I don’t see them. And I really can’t fathom the mindset of any man who would behave like that. I should just learn to appreciate how lucky I am that these things don’t happen to me, I guess.

(And immediately after that one, there’s a comment where some pleased-with-himself dude shows up to tell her other [more important?] reasons why accepting random Bluetooth messages is “a bad idea” - namely viruses, which I guess she never thought of because she’s a girl, or maybe because it’s totally irrelevant to the topic of the post, but I digress…)

I mean I’m glad there are men who are actually willing to listen and learn. (Isn’t it sad that I’m glad about that? I mean, that should really be the default, expected behavior. Ugh…) But I always feel like rolling my eyes when I see comments like that. I got one on Twitter today when I posted the link, from some dude who follows me but I don’t follow him and I have no idea who he is… he said he was appalled. Well, yes, of course he is - because he doesn’t have to deal with this shit. Whenever women explain the (unfortunately) mundane details of day-to-day sexism to men, they are always shocked, shocked!, I tell you. (Well, assuming they’re not calling us lying over-sensitive feminazi bitches, of course.)

My reaction to that can best be represented by this emoticon: :|

Well, yes, that is the definition of privilege: the luxury of ignorance. Not having to know something happens, because it doesn’t affect you. And the first step in pulling one’s head out of one’s ass, of course, is acknowledging the rather simple fact that just because it doesn’t happen to you, doesn’t mean it never happens.

“Someone give me a penis so that I don’t sound like a Feminazi.” - Sassywho

Straight privilege… this is it.

Very moving post up at Shakesville, written by Portly Dyke:

I doubt that most straight, cisgendered people think about, or notice, how frequently they touch their partner in public in ways that are not necessarily “sexual” (in addition to kissing, cuddling, and the odd bum-squeeze) — ie. holding hands, walking with an arm around the waist, smoothing the other’s hair back out of their eyes — nor do I think that most straight, cisgendered people are probably aware of the fact that when I touch my partner in public, it’s nearly always a considered act.

I don’t obsess about this — as in — it doesn’t eat up my days and nights — and I’m probably about as “out” as a queer can be in this country — but every single time I take my partner’s hand on the street, or toss my arm over her shoulder or around her waist, hug her goodbye or hello, I do a little, tiny “security sweep”.

I notice who is around, and where I am, and what the energy feels like — before I touch her in public. It’s a tiny amount of attention, most often, but it’s there.

I just noticed recently that in an unknown situation that seems “sort of” safe, (like walking in a crowded mall) I’m more likely to curl her arm through mine than to hold her hand — which may seem counter-intuitive, since arm-in-arm actually affords much closer body contact — but after I thought about this, I realized that walking “arm-in-arm” is something that I see straight girl-friends do more often than holding hands (after they’re 12, anyway). In considering this choice, I also realized that in many situations, I’m happy to give any possible bigots in an uncertain setting the option of assuming that we’re just a couple of straight girls.

Which sorta sucks.

I recognize this as the internalized homophobia that it is, but I can’t deny that it’s present in me. The fact is, that I stop, look, and listen before I demonstrate physical affection toward my beloved in nearly every public setting that is not clearly “queer safe”.

A must-read.

(Yes, I’m aware I’m speaking in sentence fragments today.)

Last night, after spending several hours watching TV (My Name Is Earl, The Office, and several Daily Shows from last week), Rusty and I got in bed and talked for a little while about Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s death, and the whole situation, and what to do when things make us lose faith in humanity. There were no answers to be found, but at least talking about it can do some personal good.

After Rusty went to sleep, I quietly cried myself to sleep.

Some of what I said last night was…
Read the full post »

Here’s an IM conversation I had with the lovely SakuraSarashi mere minutes ago:

[11:18] sakurasarashi: just got an interesting comment on my blog
[11:20] AmberATL30309: interesting how?
[11:20] sakurasarashi: its SUPER long
[11:20] sakurasarashi: and its from an ex creepy guy
[11:20] sakurasarashi: on the entry i made after being harassed that night
[11:21] AmberATL30309: oh wonderful, one of THOSE
[11:21] AmberATL30309: one word… DELETE
[11:21] sakurasarashi: i approved it… he took a lot of time writing it
[11:21] AmberATL30309: fuck him
[11:21] sakurasarashi: and made some interesting points
[11:21] AmberATL30309: you don’t owe him shit
[11:21] sakurasarashi: and was very respectful
[11:22] AmberATL30309: well, it’s your call. but i used to be all concerned about the delicate fee-fees of assholes on blogs, and then i realized, why? they have no right to my space. they got somethign to say, they can say it on their own blog.
[11:22] sakurasarashi: oh yeah, i have deleted disrespectful comments
[11:22] sakurasarashi: but i dont mind this one… just thought it was interesting
[11:23] AmberATL30309: i’m reading it. he sounds like an asshole.
[11:23] AmberATL30309: classic “Nice Guy”
[11:23] sakurasarashi: haha
[11:23] AmberATL30309: he should read the Don’t Be That Guy post i linked to last night
[11:23] sakurasarashi: i am SO going to link that
[11:23] AmberATL30309: seriously, anyone who makes a statemetn like “Guys are assholes” and leaves it at that? FUCK THEM
[11:23] sakurasarashi: in reply to him
[11:24] sakurasarashi: he has some hella WMP too
[11:24] AmberATL30309: WMP?
[11:24] AmberATL30309: “It’s taken me years of hard work to reduce my creepiness.” - bwahahaha!! oh really, dear, do tell!
[11:24] sakurasarashi: white male privilege
[11:24] AmberATL30309: uh, yeah, he’s kind of drowning in it
[11:25] AmberATL30309: clue phone is ringing… guess what dude… you are STILL CREEPY
[11:25] sakurasarashi: haha
[11:25] AmberATL30309: i’m sorry (actually, i’m not) but guys like this make me sick
[11:25] AmberATL30309: all tiny violin and male privilege
[11:25] sakurasarashi: i can tell
[11:26] sakurasarashi: lol
[11:26] AmberATL30309: i’ve just seen it so many times that it’s SO not funny anymore
[11:26] sakurasarashi: yeah
[11:27] AmberATL30309: anyway, like i said, your call. if it were me, i’d either delete the comment, or repost the comment with the FAIL stamp on top of it
[11:27] sakurasarashi: i was ALREADY in the process of the fail stamp thing
[11:27] sakurasarashi: hahahaha
[11:27] AmberATL30309: lol!!!
[11:27] AmberATL30309: GMTA
[11:27] sakurasarashi: I KNOW!
[11:27] sakurasarashi: can i quote you on the “clue phone ringing thing?
[11:28] AmberATL30309: indeed
[11:28] AmberATL30309: and now to get super meta, can i blog this whole damn IM convo?
[11:28] sakurasarashi: yes
[11:28] AmberATL30309: awesome

Here is the comment in question. It is an EPIC FAIL, as you will see from the number of stamps it required. (It actually could’ve used a few more, but my stamp pad ran out of ink.)

[Click for larger image version, if you're so inclined.]

Later this month, Rusty and I are going to Balticon. Yay! I’m looking forward to seeing Jenny (either at the con or just within Baltimore), hanging out with Regina Lynn, and being on some panels about sex, tech, and other related stuff. One of the panels I’m going to be on is called “Don’t Be That Guy: Advice From the Women of New Media.”

Serendipitously, Ren recently had a “don’t be that guy” open thread on her blog. It’s full of good stuff, including a damn perfect object lesson of someone being that guy. (I like and respect Ernest, but seriously, again with the “I believe in gender equality” line? Please. I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that!) And then today, I came upon synecdochic’s post entitled Don’t Be That Guy, which is all about being a feminist ally.

Guys, read it and learn, especially if you consider yourself progressive, feminist-identified, not a troglodyte, etc. Here’s an excerpt:

If you consider yourself an ally, and you wind up doing or saying something that gets a really strong negative reaction, and you see one of your friends saying something along the lines of “it’s okay, he’s one of the good guys, it’s not like that”, that should be a warning sign that it’s time to immediately apologize. A real apology, not an “I’m sorry if you were offended” — because that kind of language isn’t an apology at all. You clearly did offend someone, or else the dogpile wouldn’t have happened. “I’m sorry that I offended you, and I’d like to make sure I understand why, so it doesn’t happen again; what I’m getting is that it was such-and-such, and I’m sorry I did that, and if that wasn’t it, I’d like to listen to anything else you have to say…”

If you hear a guy who says “I’m a feminist”, but who behaves in ways that trip women’s creepdar, call him on it. It is a very sad fact that nine times out of ten, people with privilege, who are exercising that privilege in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable, will not hear the fact that they are making other people uncomfortable until it’s pointed out to them by someone with the same privilege. They literally will not process what people are saying. It happens all the time, and it is so subtle and pervasive that people don’t see it even when someone calls them on it. You can, however, use this for good in terms of pulling another guy aside and saying: dude, you’re being a creep. The sad fact is, that guy is way more likely to listen to you.

Read the whole post, seriously.

It’s like I was saying to Rusty earlier today… one thing that bugs the shit out of me is when guys try to ingratiate themselves with feminists but clearly have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about, and then when someone calls them on sexist/assholish behavior, they get all petulant and sulk away with their tail between their legs, or trot out the old tried-and-true “YOU’RE the sexist one!” trope.

I think I’ll have plenty to talk about at Balticon!

Update: Check out this object lesson, as if on cue!

Perfect example of male privilege, from a commenter on Jenny’s blog:

I said something about how it’s evident to me that sexism still exists in our society because women get cat-called and belittled and judged on their looks by strangers, and he said…

“Can’t you just yell back at them? There’s nothing stopping you from yelling back at them! You can do it too!”

:|

I cannot tell you how many times I have had a similar exchange with some dude. My reaction has gone from flustered to outraged to nonplussed and now to a feeling I can describe only as, “Would you prefer to be kicked in the pants, or the head? Here, just sign on the dotted line.”

Jenny has written another post that makes me want to do a little happy dance over the fact that she finally has a blog.

An excerpt from Sex, Guys, and Videotape:

Similarly, my experience on the way home last night can be written off as No Big Deal. It’s harmless, right? Silly, right? There’s nothing wrong with being called beautiful, right? Wrong. And, honestly, I do write off situations like this pretty much every day.

Which makes me part of the problem.

I put it to you, dear readers: How does a feminist respond firmly and unequivocally to this type of innate sexism without escalating a situation? When you cannot (and really should not) take the time to explain the inappropriate and harmful nature of these comments, what is a productive response? I’m at a loss.

Rusty and I were talking about this the other day. I can’t remember the specific thing we were talking about… something like a woman being verbally harassed while walking down the street, but it wasn’t that. Whatever it was, it was something asshole-ish, and Rusty said something like, “He turned it into a situation no one should have to experience.”

And I said, “But see, the thing is, women experience shit like that all the time. So much so that, unfortunately, we tend to forget how fucked up it really is.” Or to put it another way: of course it was a situation no one should have to experience. But women experience such situations on a daily basis, and no one (including the women, half the time) bats an eye.

And how fucked up is THAT??

Then I described a blog post I read a while back (too lazy to search for it right now, might do so tomorrow though) written by a guy who didn’t used to consider himself a feminist… you know the type, women have the vote and can get jobs and wear pants, so why do we need feminism anymore, and anyway shouldn’t it be called humanism, because otherwise that’s sexist. But then one day he was talking with a female friend of his and she was complaining about some asshole who’d just cat-called to her or something, and he was OUTRAGED, and was outraged that SHE wasn’t MORE outraged. And she was like, “Um, yeah, it sucks, but that happens to me all the freaking time” and that was when the light bulb went on over his head that, hello, feminism is VERY necessary! (Hello, male privilege… ah, how weird it must be NOT to know that women put up with this shit all the time and to truly believe that feminism’s work is done.)

Do we, as women, sometimes forget that men don’t know all the shit we put up with?

Maybe… but also part of it is, it’s not as easy as just calling them on it all the time, because 1) then we’re responsible for policing other adults’ behavior; 2) we’re humorless hairy-legged bitches if we do; 3) often there is the real threat of violence if we do; 4) we’d never have time to get anything else done.

So, what do we do, indeed? I don’t know. I’ve asked this question many times before and it sucks because I just don’t know.

And until more men have that light bulb go on over their heads, of the bind women are truly in with this stuff, unfortunately I think I’ll have to keep wondering (and trying to flip the switch myself, if possible…).

She describes it perfectly…

As smart, sensitive and educated as this good man is, he still has difficulty really understanding the female experience. That’s how insidious misogyny is in our culture; men just can’t see it. And when it’s pointed out, it makes them uncomfortable & defensive. “Hey, not all men say/think/do that… I don’t!”

As if that’s what I am saying when I point out the crap; as if I am blaming him personally.

Then there’s the, “If it’s not everyone, then don’t worry about it,” and the looks that say, “Oh, gawd, there she goes again…” as if I’m “one of those foaming at the mouth feminists” because I won’t just sit there silently and take it.

This is what I was trying to describe to Rusty the other night, about a certain asshole commenter who used to come around my blog all the time until I banned him, and even though he was an intelligent person he would ALWAYS try to find ANY other explanation for an obviously sexist situation than, well, sexism. It’s like, if YOU’RE “not like that,” then why are you so fucking afraid of admitting that YES, sexism exists, and calling it out when it does??

Oh wait, because maybe you are “like that.” That’s the ugly truth.

So frustrating!

Octogalore, in a comment on Ren’s site, in response to a commenter called JZ:

You also say: “Having money is also weakly empowering.” There are two serious problems with that.

First, it’s an incredibly privileged statement. Can you imagine how single moms who cannot pay their food/electricity would feel about how weakly they could be empowered by money?

Secondly, it’s an antifeminist statement. Telling women how unpowerful money is, and how much more rewarding other nonmonetary rewards are, is a powertool of the patriarchy.

Know why? Because the political positions that we don’t have the resumes for (because we chose not to pursue wage-earning), the VP jobs at companies who have the power to promote women (or not), the media leaders who have a role in what images of women to put forward? Guess who gets those if the gals back off? Wanna tell them how weakly empowered they are?

I could not agree more.

So far I’ve been too busy to write anything, but Ren has a great post that everyone should read, because it talks about something that I think a lot of people fail to consider in the discussions of decriminalization and destigmatization.

How’s my credit? Well, what credit? I have one, exactly one, credit card that I use for emergencies and travel (air miles). It is paid off on time, because oddly enough, while many credit card companies will bend over backwards to give you a credit card, somehow that changes if your occupation is “stripper”. So I try to keep the thing paid off. I have primarily for years used cash for everything: down payments, daily living, medical expenses- cash in full often- because it is easier often to hand over x amount of dollars for a dental visit or a car or any number of things when on all those little forms they ask name, age, occupation, job title, company…and your answers include stripper, porn performer, or god, goddess and all the little deities…an illegal aspect of the sex industry- a job you cannot write down at all. In the case of the window fellow…I handed him cash for the down payment, did not answer any of those little questions, and Mr. E is the one whose occupation, job title, and credit information went on those little forms…

You see, cash works for us, because you hand cash over and take your purchase. Qualifying for a car loan, a home loan, a home equity loan, a line of credit period, getting approved for an apartment or rental property, even if you do make good money in the sex biz? In many parts of the US, and the world in general, no easy task. Nor is getting insurance of any sort, or any other manner of little things a lot of people take for granted. And not only do you often not get those things, you get to deal with the looks, questions, and speculations of the people who you are filling out those little forms for. It’s lovely, really.

How about when you apply for a second straight job, or leave the sex biz for a straight job? Invariably, potential employers want to know what your other or previous line of work is/was…and my my, can’t that be interesting! Sure, in some fields, no one really cares. It’s easy enough to grab a gig in retail, or as wait staff, or a bartender, even as an office hand in various businesses, but a real office position? In a “straight” industry? Even if it is a job a trained monkey can do? You lie. You don’t tell other people what your other/former job is. You make up previous employment if you have too, and hope they don’t bother to check references. How about school? Well, I can tell you both professors and fellow students look at you oddly if sex work is paying the bills. And sure, sometimes one can hide what job they are in…in fact…most people can for a time, but sooner or later, people find out. And they talk.

And I suppose I don’t need to go over the just generalized opinions people have about sex workers again, do I?

She says “it’s the little things,” but I would argue that this stuff is BIG.

This is the stuff that folks in the middle-class “straight” world take for granted. You buy a new car and write down your occupation on the loan application… no big deal, right? It doesn’t get a second thought. See, the fact that this is almost never discussed - because it’s never thought of to begin with - is the very definition of privilege. And all of us who don’t work in the adult industry have that privilege.

I know, two days in a row! Weird, huh? But I just keep finding good cartoons.

Well, Creative Loafing finally ran my letter to the editor. Ken Edelstein has a snarky response, which is easy material for those who enjoy fisking and playing “Spot the Logical Fallacy.” I typically don’t enjoy these pastimes, but in this case I can make quick work of a few of the most glaring eye-rollers.

1. “Organizers also asked Nouraee not to expose names and identities of those attending the meeting.”

Well, since I was one of the organizers, I’ll tell you what we actually said. Before the program began, we asked that members of the press not reveal anyone’s name or personal information without their explicit permission. We said that any individual should definitely feel free to agree to an interview; we simply asked that they step away from the program to do it, so as not to disturb others. (E.g., Caitlin was interviewed that night and included in another piece.) So this line about “Wah, he wasn’t allowed to expose anything!” is really stupid and easy to see through.

2. “Later, Nouraee tracked down a woman who was involved directly in an incident with Gower, and he quoted that woman, Cheryl Courtney-Evans, extensively in the article.”

Extensively? Go back and check the article again, Ken. I wouldn’t call a few lines, preceded by several paragraphs devoted to Gower on his nasty soapbox, “extensive.” Give me a break.

Edelstein closes with this, which I guess he intends to be a real zinger:

3. “Another point worth considering: Gower, whom Rhea describes as homophobic, is openly gay.”

You know, people make dumbass arguments like this one all the time, and yet every time I see it, I’m still amazed. (Several commenters on the original CL story trotted it out like a beacon of truth, and were properly taken to task by other commenters.) Gower is openly gay. And?

Just because you’re gay, doesn’t mean you can’t be homophobic. Arguments like this one show a profound lack of understanding of the way privilege and prejudice operate in our society. If you grow up in this society, no matter what your race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, etc., you internalize a degree of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and classism because these things operate on a structural level. (Which is why we can’t successfully fight against and dismantle them until we acknowledge them within ourselves.) Sure, Gower probably doesn’t sit up nights entertaining a bunch of consciously homophobic thoughts like, “Hey, I really hate faggots!” Because that’s not how it works. Whatever thoughts he may or may not have are irrelevant. His actions speak for themselves.

This is the same stupid shit as when people say, “I can’t be racist, some of my best friends are black!” Are you fucking kidding me?

And, anyway, let’s just allow for a minute that maybe Gower isn’t homophobic. Maybe he’s done all kinds of examining of societal conditioning and is totally not affected at all by it anymore. Again… so what?? He’s still an asshole, and an extremely dangerous one at that. So I don’t know what this triumphant “He’s gay!” declaration is supposed to prove.

Overall, CL’s continued defense of Gower is puzzling… -well, okay, not really. I don’t think many of us still buy into their self-proclaimed “alternative” status.

Update: Christ on a cracker. I just noticed the letters to the editor page has comments. The good news? A few of the comments there are sensible. The bad/annoying/hilarious (depending on my mood) news? Check out this comment:

Sex Worker Article Comment - It seems that Rhea has a uninformed image of prostitution. A life of a prostitute is nothing like what is portrayed in the movie Pretty Woman. Most prostitution is tragic and the people selling their bodies would probably rather be doing something better with their lives. Tragically, Rhea romanticizes the world of prostition. Internet images and radical ideologies due more harm than good for our public health. She needs to step away from the internet to see the world. She obviously hasnot seen families torn apart due to prostitution. It is very tragic.

Oh, this person knows me so well!

Also, ten points for using the loathsome, worn out, and wholly inaccurate term “selling their bodies.” NEXT!

Two days ago was Blog For Choice Day. I didn’t do any blogging in recognition of it this year, because I honestly don’t know what I would say that hasn’t been said more eloquently before. Speaking of which, Antiprincess linked to one of the best posts ever written on the subject (which I bookmarked on del.icio.us exactly a year ago, coincidentally enough), and which everyone should read. It also sums up why I so strongly loathe Daily Kos and other “A-List” liberal blogs, and self-identified “progressives” who prattle on about a big tent and winning elections - with their fingers stuck firmly in their ears, as they reinforce the same old hierarchy of privilege and ass-haberdashery.

One time at Manuel’s, at a meeting about some sort of blogging PAC, I said, “Fuck Kos; I won’t be a part of anything that he’s associated with,” and I think I unwittingly hurt Catherine’s feelings. I felt badly about that, because Catherine is awesome and kicks much ass, and I would never want to hurt her feelings; so Catherine, I’m sorry. I probably should’ve prefaced it with something. That doesn’t mean my general sentiment would’ve been softened, though. And I have a feeling you can understand why I feel the way I do.

Anyway, here’s the introduction.

It’s always painful when places you thought might be one of the last few outposts of sanity’s owner and other readers decide they’re willing to trade your life away, and the lives of others away, and ultimately their own lives away, because for some reason, they genuinely don’t understand what’s at stake. Words are important, and so tonight, at Daily Kos, I as one of the written off, am going to write a diary for the first time, raise my voice, and once AGAIN tell so called ‘friends’ how much they’re hurting the people next to them. To say nothing of how much they’re cutting their own throats in the process.

Sorry Markos, but “abortion” IS the whole ball of wax. It is, for those of you who’ve read their “Art of War” our “dying ground,” it is one of the ‘must defends’ if we’re going to survive. Why? Because far from some cute little women’s issue deserving lip service and to be refiled under some more palatable heading, abortion is autonomy. We lose abortion, and we’ve lost the most basic ownership of our own bodies and lives, no matter what gender you happen to be.

Read the whole thing.