Being Amber Rhea

Here’s a list of What I Think about some recent and not-so-recent happenings, designed to illustrate the fact that very few issues are cut and dry, and context matters. To some I might look like a big ol’ contradiction with all this. I’m okay with that.

White progressive bloggers Photoshopping blackface on politicians and claiming it’s satire or “ironic” - Not cool. Totally agree w/ Liza Sabater and many other bloggers who pointed out that, hey, white dude, you don’t get to be the arbiter of what is and isn’t racist. And the more you try to defend your shit with “It’s satire!” the more of an ass you sound like - especially when you go on to tell a woman of color not to “assail [her] betters.” I remember how shocked I was with T-Rex’s behavior when all this went down. Big ol’ FAIL stamp, except, sadly, I didn’t have one of those two years ago.

New Yorker cover - I feel the opposite of above, although I do understand and appreciate the same sentiment at work. I think it is a good example of actual satire; and after all, this is the New Yorker, not the New York Post. Overall, I lean toward Jon Stewart’s “It’s just a fucking cartoon!” but I want to be very very careful about that, because I don’t think “It’s just _____” is or should be a justification for anything. Just look at this, for a particularly timely and unfortunate example. Also, it’s the same kind of rhetoric assholes of various Republicanish-leaning stripes use against progressives, especially feminists: the old “no sense of humor” trope. Hi, here’s a thought: maybe it’s not that we don’t have a sense of humor, maybe it’s that your jokes aren’t funny.

The stripper cartoon referenced in the above graf - I don’t think it’s racist. I’m trying to just chill out and appreciate where/how some other folks whom I respect do think that, but I admit to feeling a little exasperated with it. But, I don’t think I have to say there’s about a million things wrong with that cartoon anyway. I just wonder why the focus has to shift away from the obvious central message, which is that strippers are too stupid and deluded to make their own decisions and it doesn’t matter what they think anyway.

Toby Keith lyrics (not satire) - This hadn’t even been on my radar; let’s just say I’ve had more pressing things to deal with. Then I saw Griftdrift had a post about it. I didn’t read the Huffington Post article because I didn’t care enough; I did go read the lyrics to the song out of curiosity, though. At Manuel’s I was telling Griftdrift that I can see how you could interpret the lyrics as being about racist lynching, and he started to get all up in my face about it (right after I’d told that story about the guy on the plane who could’ve been in first class but ended up in jail, with his name on the no-fly list!) but I kept talking so I could finish my sentence, which was something like, “But it’s pretty flimsy.” I definitely agree about self-identified progressives having preconceived notions about the South, and being big fat fucking hypocrites. Anyway, about the song, mostly I don’t care. It’s Toby Keith for fuck’s sake.

Cliff Bostock’s column about political correctness and a 1967 essay that uses the N-word - I agree with Cliff’s main point that flying off the handle about any usage of the N-word without considering context is a bit much. I think there are some good points to be made here, but he weakens his entire argument by resorting to the “lack a sense of humor” thing. Come on, Cliff, you can do better than that. Why go for the low-hanging (not to mention totally irrelevant) fruit?

John Kerry says “tar baby” (and Tony Snow said it a while back, too; also not satire) - Not racist. Sorry, sticking to that one (oh, ha!). I get that the term “tar baby” has also been used as a racial slur. But that’s not the case here. Here’s what it actually means. And I hate that saying this lumps me in with people like Daily Kos denizens (or Firedoglake!), but there you go.

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Consider this yet another attempt at writing as if no one is reading. I’m nervous about hitting Publish, but I might as well get some practice in. And besides, as Joseph reminded me via email today (thanks, Joseph!) it’s not like I haven’t dealt with a whole hell of a lot of shit on my blog already.

*sigh* Oh well.

From Just A Girl:

I find spaces that aren’t feminist or feminist-friendly to be hostile. I find them uncomfortable. I find that they are not woman-friendly, and I find that they aren’t receptive to discussions about changing this.

That’s not to say that feminist spaces aren’t hostile, or uncomfortable, or not woman-friendly, or not receptive to discussion about those things: they can be. I’ve found them to be. There are some so-called feminist spaces that I would never take part in, because I know that I’d both feel and be unwelcome.

But any space- even a “progressive” or “liberal” one- that isn’t, at the very least, welcoming to the idea of feminism could never be the space for me in which to freely discuss ideas and reactions.

It’s the ugly jokes- about women, about rape, about women’s issues. It’s the ugly assumptions (while we’re all guilty of naive or even stupid, thoughtless assumptions, there are some truly ugly ones out there that I am unprepared or simply not in the mood to fight). It’s the man-as-default setting where it all takes place.

I don’t subscribe to Shakesville (or any other “big” blog, because I can’t handle the pressure of a constantly overflowing RSS reader), so I’m just now seeing this, even though it’s over a month old. It’s well worth reposting, though. Hence:

Feminism is an integral part of progressivism.

If you’re not a feminist, you’re not a progressive.

No matter how much you hate Bush.

No matter how much you hate the Iraq war.

No matter how much you hate our current torture policy.

No matter how much you want to restore habeas corpus.

No matter how much you’re totally going to vote for the Democrat in November.

If you’re not a feminist, you’re not a progressive.

You’re a fauxgressive.

End of story.

Hell yeah.

And I hate that this is even something that has to be said, but it does, and there it is. It’s part of why I have such disdain/disinterest/reluctance/irritability surrounding partisan-type politics… I just can’t get worked up about debates, or so-and-so’s campaign signs, or all the other gossip. Frankly I don’t understand how so many people can, but since a lot of ‘em are people I consider friends, I just have to shrug my shoulders and say “To each their own.” (And yet if there’s an election returns watching party in November, I’ll be there; because, I’ll be honest, to me it’s all an excuse to socialize. And it’s not that I don’t care on any level. I vote, after all.)

But if you dismiss feminism as a “special interest” (hello, Kos!), all bets are off, and it’s “fuck you” time. You are on notice, or perhaps even dead to me.

I mean believe it or not, Melissa even had to post an update, because apparently (and I wish I could say I was surprised) a lot of people had trouble getting this rather simple concept through their thick skulls. If she had a FAIL stamp, I bet the inkpad would be dry by now.

You see? This is why I just do not have the patience to be some kind of Bringer of the Progressive Message, unless it’s on a one-on-one or very small group basis.

Apostate and I have had our disagreements, and I imagine we’ll continue to do so. Some of what she’s written (especially wrt sex workers’ rights) has made me downright livid. But I am nodding my head in 100% agreement with this:

It’s very easy to trivialize discriminatory attitudes against women’s sexuality, because who cares about your right to screw around while people are dying!

You know, someone’s always dying. It’s not our job as feminists to make women feel bad for focusing on what matters to them and what makes it harder for them to live in this male-dominated world on a day to day basis. Anti-feminists are doing a terrific job on that without our help.

Black civil rights workers are not going to take a break from their earth-shakingly important work and tell us about sexist condom commercials and sexist media in general. They’re not going to point out all the videos out there that our young women’s male peers make about how screamingly funny rape is. But someone needs to.

We’re well-aware that our concerns always come last. It’s why women are self-conscious about calling themselves feminists. It’s very trivial to worry about your body and your safety while other people are dying. After all, you’re a privileged white woman. And black men get raped in prison too! Who cares what your concerns are, and never mind that you’re still a second class citizen even if higher on the totem pole than the people who are dying.

This is another sneaky technique to put women last. This is yet another way to confuse women about themselves, about their place in the world, about their importance.

Octogalore is back in the blogging game after a hiatus, and one line in particular from her post today resonated with me:

“Often, as women, we leave ourselves last in our efforts to be about everything.”

I don’t identify with the entire post, but that line really struck me. I’m just going to repost what I said in a comment there…

This is something I struggle with a lot. And I think it’s partly due to how women are socialized: as caretakers. We are socialized to put others’ needs ahead of our own, and told this is a virtue. And when you’ve been getting that message from day 1, it’s pretty damn hard to resist.

But I try. I push back against those feelings that tell me I’m selfish if I take care of myself or if I don’t donate to every cause or volunteer on every committee or whatever.

And to be honest this is why I had to take a step back from certain corners of the blogosphere. It was making me feel too guilty, reading about all these causes I wasn’t involved in, and the not so subtle undertone of being a bad person if I wasn’t vocal for every cause out there.

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This part is true too, and I get pissed off at how it’s supposedly so “hypocritical” to point out the glaringly obvious… well, hypocritical from a male liberal definition, of course. It’s funny (not ha-ha funny) how quickly the mask comes off, isn’t it?

How many guys do you know in 2-income households who are doing maybe 10-30% of the household/childcare work and don’t feel concerned in the slightest? Or, how many guys feel like if they are making money and changing the occasional diaper or attending the occasional Little League game, they don’t need to keep themselves in shape? Guys who wear your bra size but look pityingly at your miked Lean Cuisine? OK, you can stop counting now.

Mm-hmm. Now somebody will come out of the woodwork and tell me I’m being antithetical to feminism and a reverse sexist, and this is why they call themselves a humanist not a feminist, and blah blah.

But it’s true. And we’ve gotta keep pushing against that shit so it’s NOT the norm. Not that guys should feel über-stressed all the time either. But it’s not fair to have different expectations for men and women parents. That’s called a double standard, after all.

Most of the activism I am really passionate about is related to sexuality. That’s because I am simply unable to divorce sexuality from the rest of my being; it’s such a fundamental part of who I am, that I can’t imagine just taking it on and off like a jacket. I’m not good at compartmentalizing, and I don’t think it should be a requirement for social justice activism. “Yes, work for social justice - as long as you keep this part of you that kind of makes us uncomfortable out of it.”

I can’t do that. To be human is to be sexual; even people who identify as asexual are claiming an identity regarding their sexuality. One of the quotes in my header quote rotation is from Kochanie, and it sums up my feeling on the matter: “I am sex, I am my body, and my sex, my mind and my body have never been separate.”

There’s been a lot of talk here lately about sex work, and I know some people are wondering why I am so passionate about sex workers’ rights activism, in particular. I’ll list a few reasons:*
Read the full post »

Two days ago was Blog For Choice Day. I didn’t do any blogging in recognition of it this year, because I honestly don’t know what I would say that hasn’t been said more eloquently before. Speaking of which, Antiprincess linked to one of the best posts ever written on the subject (which I bookmarked on del.icio.us exactly a year ago, coincidentally enough), and which everyone should read. It also sums up why I so strongly loathe Daily Kos and other “A-List” liberal blogs, and self-identified “progressives” who prattle on about a big tent and winning elections - with their fingers stuck firmly in their ears, as they reinforce the same old hierarchy of privilege and ass-haberdashery.

One time at Manuel’s, at a meeting about some sort of blogging PAC, I said, “Fuck Kos; I won’t be a part of anything that he’s associated with,” and I think I unwittingly hurt Catherine’s feelings. I felt badly about that, because Catherine is awesome and kicks much ass, and I would never want to hurt her feelings; so Catherine, I’m sorry. I probably should’ve prefaced it with something. That doesn’t mean my general sentiment would’ve been softened, though. And I have a feeling you can understand why I feel the way I do.

Anyway, here’s the introduction.

It’s always painful when places you thought might be one of the last few outposts of sanity’s owner and other readers decide they’re willing to trade your life away, and the lives of others away, and ultimately their own lives away, because for some reason, they genuinely don’t understand what’s at stake. Words are important, and so tonight, at Daily Kos, I as one of the written off, am going to write a diary for the first time, raise my voice, and once AGAIN tell so called ‘friends’ how much they’re hurting the people next to them. To say nothing of how much they’re cutting their own throats in the process.

Sorry Markos, but “abortion” IS the whole ball of wax. It is, for those of you who’ve read their “Art of War” our “dying ground,” it is one of the ‘must defends’ if we’re going to survive. Why? Because far from some cute little women’s issue deserving lip service and to be refiled under some more palatable heading, abortion is autonomy. We lose abortion, and we’ve lost the most basic ownership of our own bodies and lives, no matter what gender you happen to be.

Read the whole thing.

I can’t believe there are self-identified liberals, progressives, and Democrats basically taking the tack of, “Well, it’s illegal; so it must be bad!”

HELLO.

The fact that something is illegal does not mean it’s somehow inherently, morally wrong - and vice versa. Anyone who considers themselves to have any liberal/progressive/what-the-hell-ever leanings AT ALL should understand this.

I won’t go the route of talking about how it’s what this country was founded on but you can go there yourself if you’d like.

Examples:

Interracial marriage was illegal into the 1960s.

Spousal rape was legal - excuse me, there wasn’t even the concept of spousal rape! - in many jurisdictions well into the 1970s.

And some particular lightning rods for liberals etc.: Abortion. Same-sex marriage. ENDA.

I think that’s all I need to say about that, right?

So, this.

Stupid Comcast has the worst timing. My cable was out all last night, meaning I couldn’t participate in the virtual rally about which I had helped spread the word. Dammit.

Today, there’s a lot of catching up to do. Lots of good blog posts to read; the folks who participated last night kicked some serious ass. You can find a lot of the posts via Technorati; and of course, the epicenter of the action was Bound, Not Gagged. I’ll be waiting to hear the results of the election in Pennsylvania today, to see if Judge Teresa Carr Deni still has her job.

Speaking of jobs…

In the blog posts I’ve had time to read (and there are many more I haven’t, yet), some people are expressing shock that this happened.

Really?

I’m sorry, but how can you be shocked? Outraged, yes. Fired up and motivated to take action, absolutely. Disgusted with the abject injustice of it, of course.

But shocked?

This is nothing new. Sex workers are treated like shit in our society. And so, rape isn’t rape, depending on what your job is.

I’ll be honest - this is why I never became a sex worker. I considered it, with varying degrees of seriousness, for many years. But ultimately, what stopped me from taking the definitive step and actually doing it was fear. Fear of harm at the hands of a client, partly; but to a much greater degree, fear of harm (mental, physical, emotional) by law enforcement, the judicial system, and society at large.

This has been a pattern throughout my life, in many situations. Fear stops me cold in my tracks, while other people move forward. This isn’t always a bad thing. For example, fear kept me from doing a lot of the stuff my peers did in middle school and high school, like sneaking out of the house. In retrospect that was a wise decision, and it certainly didn’t leave me with long-term negative consequences; if anything, the opposite is true. But the point is, this is a pattern I’ve recognized. And when the paralyzing fear is having negative effects - stopping me from fully realizing a goal or a part of my being - I’ve tried in recent years to push through it. Pole dancing is the biggest example of me being successful at this, and there are many other, “smaller” examples, some of which are known only to me.

As far as pursuing sex work as a job, though, I never was able to push through the fear. I guess it’s that part of my brain that just won’t stop being pragmatic, or… something. Maybe that’s not the best word. I don’t know. Anyway, a fairly loud part of my mind kept telling me that while it’s good to push through fear and not let it define my life, there’s a difference between confronting the fear of being laughed at by my peers, and confronting the fear of being thrown in jail, brutalized, and denied justice.

And so I have immense respect for people who do sex work even in the face of all the odds stacked against sex workers.

I urge everyone to check out Bound, Not Gagged. And speak up. As inspiring as these voices in the blogosphere have been, there has also been a deafening silence from the rest of the blogosphere, not to mention the mainstream media. As far as I’ve seen, the so-called “A-List” progressive political blogs haven’t touched it.

I’ll close with words of wisdom from Octogalore:

It may be tempting for those of us who are not prostitutes to sit this one out. After all, this isn’t about us, right?

Wrong.

If it is not rape to be forced to have sex, at gunpoint, after refusing, just because you’d previous agreed to have unforced sex for money, then who is next?

Maybe they’ll come for those who agree to have sex with a friend of the guy who rapes them? That’s not rape, it’s identity switching.

Or those who agreed to have sex in the past and then are forced to do so at a later point? That’s not rape, it’s time discrepancy.

Or those of us who are or have been strippers? We were willing to do sex-related stuff for money, so this isn’t rape it’s just forced inflation of services.

What if we at one point had sex with a boyfriend as a fun way to settle a bet? Then we ARE prostitutes and it’s back to theft of services.

What if we can be demonstrated to have sex with our husbands in exchange for material security? Then there’s no spousal rape.

What if we are deemed to be dressed too slutty? Then we can be argued to have been willing to exchange sex for money, and cannot be raped.

Per wiki, rape is “where one individual forces another to have sexual intercourse against that person’s will.” This kind of decision says that prostitutes aren’t, in fact, people. Their consent or lack thereof is meaningless.

And guess what? If they aren’t, then we may not be either. This is about all of us.

Here’s a perfect example of what I was talking about.

Totally inexcusable. But I’m not surprised. Frankly, I don’t understand how so many people are apparently not seeing through the bullshit of so-called “lefty” bloggers. Kos and countless others have shown their asses many times over wrt sexism and racism. And now, what’s this? Wonkette regionally biased? Knock me over with a feather!

The mask is off, and it’s been off for a long time now.

[Via Going Through the Motions]

Rusty already wrote about this on his blog, but there are a few things I’d like to say on the topic, as well. Not sure how long this post will be, because a lot of what I want to say, I’m not sure how to translate from the gobbledy-gook in my head to the written word.

I’m no stranger to anti-South bias, especially given the fact that when you spend a lot of your time online, you naturally encounter people from all over. Offline too, there’s plenty of it… I vividly reminder one time, sophomore year of college at NYU, a friend of mine launched into this diatribe that started with, “What I don’t like about the South is…” and he started rattling off a bunch of stereotypes. I stopped him and asked if he’d ever been to the South. He hadn’t. I tore him a bit of a new asshole, he admitted he was behaving like a presumptuous jerk, and we went to dinner.

So anyway, I know that stuff is out there. It bugs me, but not on a daily basis. But in recent months/weeks/days, it’s become a bit more pronounced in my vicinity.

Take PodCamp NYC, for example. I detected a fair amount of anti-South bias - the most egregious example, of course, being the guy who came up to Rusty and me and started a sentence with, “I don’t want to pre-judge, BUT…” - at which time, he proceeded to pre-judge like a mofo. He asked if since we were in Georgia, most of our podcasts were about personal stories and stuff (from “military spouses,” among others), not world events. He didn’t seem to think there was anything fucked-up about that question, and even seemed to be a bit amused with himself. There we were, real live dumb Georgia hicks for him to talk at!! Maw, get the skillet!

Then there was the cab driver who took us to the airport Sunday morning, who said “I don’t care about the South” and “I don’t like the South because it’s too slow.” Okay, first of all, the South is a pretty big region - even if you’ve never been here, wouldn’t you venture a guess that it’s not all completely the same? Secondly, just who the fuck does this guy think he is?

So those are two very in-your-face examples. But there was also plenty of it running just beneath the surface. That, of course, is the type that’s the most insidious, because you can’t point your finger at one specific thing and say, “See?? Bias!!”

I’ve had the feeling, for a while now, that PodCamp Atlanta wasn’t taken as seriously among the PodCamp elite (whatever that means, but bear with me) because it was, well, in Atlanta. My intuition is rarely wrong on perceptions like these, so I think it’s worth mentioning, at least. Never mind what a completely kick-ass event we had, full of energy and passion, with overwhelmingly positive reviews, not to mention making national news. It’s the South; so, obviously, not quite as good. (Or, I imagine, something along those lines.)

I want to be clear: this isn’t an accusation. It’s a statement of how I’ve felt, of perceptions I’ve had, and things I’ve picked up on; little things, here and there. Not that it’ll stop me/us from making my/our voice(s) heard. But it is… annoying, nonetheless.

Now, as for anti-South bias on a broader (ie, not just PodCamp-related) scale?

It’s possible to make observations about certain institutions of the South without reducing individuals to stereotypes. This is exactly the kind of thing we’ve talked about on some of the feminist blogs lately: critique and analyze the structure/issue; don’t make presumptions about individuals, sight unseen.

And, it’s very telling to me when self-identified progressives get squirrely about this WRT the South. I’ve seen some people practically fall over themselves to defend their prejudice. Because apparently this kind of prejudice is okay. (Reminds me of how quickly the mask comes off with some self-identified progressives when they’re called on racist or sexist behavior.)

No - it’s not okay.
And I/we/you should not have to put up with it as some kind of nebulous atonement, which is what the justification typically is.

[Originally posted at the old blog]