Being Amber Rhea

So by now you’ve probably heard about seemingly everyone in the freakin’ world getting canned (or voluntarily leaving due to “circumstances”).

Dacia wrote about it the other day and included a master list of sorts. Let us also not forget Regina Lynn leaving Wired, and Playboy Radio putting the kibosh on her Sex in the News segment. And you could really say it all started nearly two years ago, when the Village Voice killed Rachel Kramer Bussel’s “Lusty Lady” column.

In particular, it was really bizarre to hear about Melissa being laid off from Valleywag, because just a day or two before that, I’d heard about Tristan’s Village Voice column being axed, and as Rusty and I were walking from the MARTA station to work, I said something like, “It seems like the only one who still has a job is Melissa, at Valleywag.” Then Rusty said something about all of us starting a site together and how awesome that would be.

Ahem.

Dacia isn’t so worked up about the idea of starting a new site - and neither am I, honestly. Admittedly, after hearing about all the latest news, I did say this on Twitter (tweets listed in reverse chronological order, for those not on the bandwagon):
Read the full post »

…Lia is made of WIN.

I have conversations with sex workers nearly everyday of my life. And I listen.

I hear differing points-of-view. I hear stories of women pimped into strip clubs, sold to strip clubs. I hear stories of women getting ahead financially and being empowered by sex work. I hear stories of women who cry before every shift. I hear stories of women being excited about going to work. I hear stories of women who cannot work without drinking or using drugs. I hear stories from women who say that sex work is fun. I hear success stories of women leaving the industry. I hear stories of disappointment when women have to return to sex work. I hear stories of trouble in relationships because of sex work, both because the spouse of the sex worker can’t handle it, and on the other side, because the sex worker cannot stand to be touched. I hear stories from women who love the flexibility, freedom and autonomy that sex work gives them.

Remember, this is from sex workers about their own experience, not people writing about sex workers, people who have never done sex work, or even academics.

Who do I believe?

I believe them all.

I wrote this as a comment on Deb’s blog (on this post; comment currently in moderation) but wanted to repost it here as well.

I haven’t heard the term “anti-sex” very often. I *have* heard “sex-negative” fairly frequently (and I use it myself on a regular basis) and when I *have* heard “anti-sex,” it seems that the meaning is intended to be the same as “sex-negative.” That is, it’s not about whether a particular individual does or does not like sex. That’s not even part of the argument. Instead, it’s about the way sexuality is regulated in our society, so that only certain expressions of sexuality are considered acceptable. And who most often suffers because of these constraints? You got it: women, queer folks, trans folks, people with disabilities. If we “stray from the path” - to use your very appropriate blog title! - we are punished. We are suddenly outside the scope of what is acceptable, and therefore *wrong* or even seen as inhuman in some cases (e.g., sex workers). Sex-positivity is about embracing *all* expressions of sexuality and decentering the male-centric, heteronormative stereotypes of sexuality. I’ve collected some good reference links on the matter here, that explain it much better than my fumbling attempt!

Occasionally I like to just go back and re-read some of those posts I’ve collected on my Sex-Positive Reference page. And when I do, I always come away with the question hanging heavily in the air: how could anyone who identifies as feminist not be sex-positive?

Look at this bit from Amanda Holloway, for example:

I believe that being in control of one’s sexual self involves having access to information that allows for informed decision making. I also believe that it involves access to the medical treatments and technology –from condoms to regular Pap smears to Gardasil to abortion procedures – that put women in charge of their bodies. I believe in sexual self-determination, that each person has a right to determine who she will be intimate with, and in what context, without being judged for her choices or forced into others. I believe that being in control of one’s sexual self is an integral part of autonomous adulthood, and until women are given the right to control our sexual selves we will continue to be treated like children in this paternalistic society.

How could any feminist not support these goals? (And as I’ve said before, I think the idea of being sex-positive and not being feminist is a contradiction in terms. To be sex-positive is to be feminist. To two are so inherently wed that to try to separate them makes no sense to me.) And, really: how could ANYONE not support these goals?

From Superlagirl:

This bothers me: “Their first sexual experiences have taught them that their primary value in life is their body and what others want to do with it. Or they learn that they are dirty little whores and they might as well live the part.” I am severely uncomfortable with putting words in survivors’ mouths. When I talk about my experience, I speak for myself. When I listen to other survivors, I respect that they are speaking for themselves, which is a hell of a lot harder to do than just making arbitrary generalizations. Yes, there are certainly common themes that arise in the telling of these stories, but there are no universal truths. I am glad that you are concerned with the needs of adult survivors of childhood abuse, but please do not attempt distill the experiences of those who suffer from abuse-related PTSD to She Was Treated Like a Whore, and Now She Acts Like One. We might be damaged, but we’re still nuanced. (Generally speaking, of course.)

And now this: “Can a truly free choice be made in response to childhood trauma? We think not.” Really? So my choice to seek therapy wasn’t a free choice? My choice to pursue positive sexual relationships wasn’t a free choice? My choice to give birth at home wasn’t a free choice? My choice to raise my daughters nonviolently wasn’t a free choice? All of these decisions stem from my experience with abuse. I don’t really like the implication that I’m just some traumabot with no capacity for self-determination.

EXACTLY.

Or, more succinctly, Lia:

I’ve decided that saying that someone goes into sex work because they have been sexually abused is like saying that someone becomes a baker because their Easy Bake Oven burned them when they were a child.

This is so perfect I can hardly stand it:

I’m tangling hard with this notion of public persona. That for whatever reason, writing about sex gives some people the idea that you are available sexually to them (this is not new, this is something I’ve noticed a long time ago). But this being commonly understood as a consumable girl is hitting a breaking point for me. Does it mean I can’t flirt-for-real in public spaces without being perceived as buying into a role, without agreeing with that being pegged as The Sex Girl?

I was never that girl. I never played against my own intelligence to make men comfortable around me. I come on strong by being open, not teasing. I don’t look for strength in men’s eyes that way. As temporarily delightful as cocktail conversation may be — until our cabs come — I get my real and lasting courage from my own vulnerability. I can only trust my sense of worth to be safe with those unafraid to love me, not someone who finds me amusing five minutes at a time.

It kind of gives me déjà vu because it’s everything I’ve been thinking but, as usual, Melissa puts it into words so much better than I could hope to. (That sounds kind of assholish, doesn’t it? Argh…)

On Twitter I said: “This is what I would’ve talked about at BlogHer ATL” and “I’ll mention this at @blogorlando, too; I won’t have a prepared presentation but it’ll be a ‘talking point.’ We’ll see where *that* goes.”

I HATE it. I hate this stupid, asinine, absurd, insipid idea that if a woman writes about sex then she is The Sex Girl (as Melissa puts it). This pigeon-holing, it’s… well, there just aren’t enough adjectives for “ridiculous” to convey it!

I was never That Girl either - I wouldn’t even know how to be - and this is why, for instance, it makes me absolutely livid to see sex-positivity so COMPLETELY misrepresented by people who obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE what they are talking about. I’m staying out of blog wars with “radfems” for good - it’s just a waste of time - but occasionally I see them quoted on Ren’s blog or Caroline’s blog, prattling on about how “sex-pozzies” (yes, they really say that; can you believe it?) are all about pleasing men and the men love us because we do what they want and blah blah blah and I’m like, okay, this is the part where it is GLARINGLY obvious that you have absolutely NO GRASP of my life, my experience, my reality, and holy hell could your head possibly be FURTHER up your ass? I mean it’s kind of funny in a way, but it still just infuriates me. I cannot even convey to you how totally absurd it is.

Oh, and as for people assuming that because you write about sex, you obviously want to have sex WITH THEM - well, that’s nothing new, either. It’s as old as the hills and it, too, is a jaw-droppingly ridiculous depth of stupidity.

And, too, let’s revisit this.

…in here.

I show myself naked. I wonder if anyone can see my scars from the times it just hurt too much on the inside. I show myself as human.

and

I’ve had insane lies written and said about me in the internet — the oh my god kind, the ‘but I was there’ kind, the kind that you look at and go, why do people have such hate in them? Why should I do good here in this world when some people just want to watch the world burn and they get joy from hurting others?

and

I love who I am, I love what I do, I’m happy to make the right people pissed off at me, and the rest of us can laugh and look at fun sexy stuff and take the world back from those who scheme to make us feel bad or unhappy, or try to erase us for who we are.

I know there’s drama between Violet and folks I’m friends with, but I don’t care; I stay out of it, because it’s not my drama, and besides I like to be able to appreciate people’s words, unclouded by personal drama. Sometimes it’s better that way.

And any way you cut it, she’s dealt with some shit.

Renee is right on with this:

I am sure that for most women this is an experience that we all communally share. The silencing can come in many forms, direct interruption, or criticism of our tone. How many times has a powerful woman been told that her voice has a nagging or whining quality to it? This reduces us to our biology and renders our opinions irrelevant.

Many women have become jaded and simply accepted this silencing without further thought. This is a mistake. When we allow men to control the conversation we are granting them power to control our social discourse. If men can always decide what is and isn’t relevant conversation our issues will never be significantly addressed.

Fear of being disciplined is not an excuse to become subservient. It takes courage to speak truth to power, but when we consider what is at stake, it is an act of gender annihilation to remain silent. Men will not engage about the harms of domestic violence, rape, pay inequity, childcare, femicide, and sexual harassment; these are womens issues. Even when we are speaking about benign subjects their interruption is a co option of our space and an expression of male privilege. It has far reaching implications because it infers (sic) that womens needs and concerns are secondary to their thought processes. The man that does not value your mind, views you as a fuckable object, or a mother replacement.

The next time you are interrupted look at the man who had the temerity to think that his words somehow were more important than yours and let him know that you were speaking. What you have to say matters and no amount of chest thumping testosterone should ever make you feel small.

From Octogalore:

So I get more interested in the feminist take-away, for a couple of reasons. First, it’s less covered. There are the self-serving Repub views on it, but very few leftists making the nuanced point that you can disagree with her choice and related views and not support them BUT simultaneously support her right to be discussed in the ways a similarly situated man would be discussed.

From Sara:

But what bothers me even more about this whole thread is that it seems to defy the purpose of the site. Now, there’s nothing in the language of the space to suggest that it was ever meant to be free from criticism. But it’s a confessional, of sorts, the kind of place you go to admit thoughts and feelings for which you have no other outlet. That kind of catharsis is hampered if, the second you let fly those bottled emotions, you’re immediately invalidated and dismissed, and innunduated with the asinine opinions of people who think they know you, your motivations, your life based on two or three sentences you scribbled off in an effort to just get rid of them, to get them out of your system.

The more I think about it, the more I think that this is the kind of site that isn’t built for dissenting commentary. The “me too”s were a good idea - we can feel less alone by hearing that someone, somewhere, is in the same metaphorical boat. Comments were even a decent idea, to the extent that people could reach out to one another and offer advice and comfort, or maybe to even just share stories and miseries. Moms had someplace to finally be able to say “You know, infants are really boring” without having to endure chastisement and ostracization from just about everyone, to admit that they wish their husbands thanked them more often for the care work they perform - to have a forum where their complaints were actually heard and not contested.

Because sometimes we need that more than anything - not to have something fixed, or examined, but just to have it heard and understood. I know that, for me, that’s a huge part of any emotional work I do, especially regarding conflict. I can’t move on and do any kind of processing or rebuilding until I feel like I’ve been heard, until I feel like someone’s listened to what my issue is/was.

So, real quick, regarding my post from last night - the part where I talked about being frustrated w/ a lot of the “privilege” talk and how it’s come to be used as a barb to throw at someone - today I came upon some posts by Renee at Womanist Musings that deal w/ privilege, and while I don’t agree entirely w/ all her points in these posts, I think her points about privilege are right on and do a good job of describing what it IS and what it ISN’T. </stupidly_long_sentence> Hence:

Not exploiting or oppressing is what each person should actively be engaged in, and to think that abstaining from using your available power for personal gain is worthy of special recognition is once again an exercise of privilege. A man that does the dishes does not deserve praise because he is a man doing the dishes. A person that eliminates racial slurs from their daily vocabulary does not deserve praise for recognizing that this language is hurtful.

Honouring each person despite the “isms” attached to their body is part of human responsibility, and part of owning personal privilege. To say that I deserve a reward or recognition is akin to belittling the people on whose behalf you labour. It keeps hierarchy in the relationship in that you are positioning yourself as good because you have lowered yourself to help and this undoes any progress that your personal labours have made.

(from Allies, Privileges and Pats On The Back)

It is not acceptable to say, I am not racist, sexist, homophobic etc and therefore any accusation of privilege is misplaced. These privileges are encoded to the body before birth simply because of the society we are all born into. We do not live outside of socialization we are the product of it.

To become defensive and immediately stammer, oh no not me, is a clear indicator of denial. It is this very state of denial that allows privilege to maintain its insidious grip on society. One cannot actively fight against interlocking isms while continuing to deny the effect that they personally have on you. How are you to convince anyone that inequality is systemic, if you as an individual continue to benefit without acknowledgement? It is dishonest and begins ally work from a false groundwork. It’s like saying I’m not racist because my best friend as a kid was black. People see that kind of commentary for exactly what it is.

(from Shall We Talk About Privilege)

As for not wanting to advance in the corporate world; what must be factored in is that women manage the majority of domestic duties, childcare and elder care, exactly how do you expect them to compete in professions that demand 100% commitment. It is not like the male run government has socialized daycare, or organized communal kitchens, or a form of exchange for housekeeping. The doting husbands that we are all supposed to worship are still not doing 50%, and men wonder why it is that women have difficulty managing career and family. Here is a tip, there are 24 hours in a day and no matter how amazing your wife or partner is, eventually she has to sleep. Apparently God rested on the seventh day so get off our collective backs, and do some damn laundry.

(from Ssssh Male Privilege Is Meant To Be A Secret)

I am the first to admit that social construction is damaging to both sexes but I must question why it is necessary to continually make this an issue on women’s blogs? There are so many aspects of sexism that go unchallenged in our society because we have normalized the marginalization of women. Feminists have had to fight, and claw to get the smallest of validation for the difficulties of living life as a woman in this phalocentric world, and yet even in these small spaces, men have managed to continually interject themselves into the debate.

(from Men In Womens Spaces, Dear God What About The Men?)

I have another long-ass post in progress, but in the meantime I am amused by my header quotes database and, since this is my blog, I’m going to post ALL OF THEM here now. I’m highly amused; perhaps you will be, as well. And if not, that’s okay too, because I AM AMUSED!

4 “I am a responsible, adult woman, and I’ll not be shamed for it.” Ren

5 Making the baby Jesus cry since 2002.

6 “It’s like seven minutes in heaven, only it’s five hours in hell.” Brent

7 “Now all I need is a room with a pole in it.” Remy Ma

8 A blog from the gynocentric angle.

9 “Have I changed? Or have I just awoken to who I always was?” Ryann Rain

11 Sharpening my Fuck You stick since 2002.

12 Nice girls don’t.

13 “Bloggers are just like everybody else except that we admit what we do.” Figleaf

14 “I feel like you guys are the kinky authority figures.” Joseph

15 “Trust the Danes. They are a wise and comfortable people.” Jenny

16 “I live my life like I’m reading my own biography.” Of Montreal

17 “It is one of the great superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.” Voltaire

18 “The older I get, the more I realize most of what I grew up with was bullshit.” Rusty

19 Using my communist tools to silence the truth since 2002.

20 “Use of expletives to get a point across only serves to make women in general look uneducated and hysterical.” Dumbass commenter

21 “The future is here. It’s just not evenly distributed yet.” William Gibson

22 “In spite of it all, you’re still here, you’re a survivor. And if you’re anything like I think you are, you survive in spite of yourself.” N.P.

23 Just another malicious feminist.

24 Filled to bursting with obvious indecency.

25 A natural, zesty enterprise.

26 It takes talent, and biting.

27 “I feel like I’m in a Talking Heads song or something.” Joseph

28 “You’re running a blog, not a democracy.” Rusty

29 “You fucked the suburbs out of me.” Of Montreal

30 “I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me”. Liz Phair

31 “Listen here young lady, all that matters is what makes you happy.” Liz Phair

32 “I think we’re a bit past absurd.” Jenny

33 “Hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.” Dacia

34 “Just what I need, another charming gay man in my life.” Jenny

36 “Not every short-haired feminist you meet at Pride is a lesbian.” Shelby

37 “I hate how lunch with us always ends with action items.” Ryan

38 “A ‘nuculer’ threat is one from a Middle Eastern country.” Brent

39 “Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.” H.G. Wells

40 “When they tell you you’re going to hell, you’re probably on the right track.” David

41 “Never let last night dictate your today.” Brent

42 “RSS can make the Internet your bitch.” Terri Lynn

45 “You don’t have to be defensive if you see imaginary bugs in the middle of the night.” Rusty

46 “Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn reverence for life until we learn reverence for sex.” Havelock Ellis

47 “You can’t control the length of your life, but you can control the width and depth.” Anonymous

48 “If having a hysterectomy would keep you from murdering another human being, I’d gladly pay for you to have it done.” Crazy commenter

49 “I just fucking love that it’s when I stop trying to be coy and whorish that I come across as such.” Jenny

50 Exercise, Atlanta, and anal sex: three things I’m glad I didn’t write off.

51 “Just fuck me in the ass with a football bat already.” BL

52 “You might not always see the ripples you create, but it’s important to know that they are there.” Niki

53 “I fear South Carolina more than I fear Hamas, and I’m not kidding even a little bit.” Tony

54 “I would love to be an ethical version of Karl Rove.” Jenny

55 “I love that I almost have a Masters degree and it has led me to chauffeuring balloons around.” Niki

56 “I hate raisins. I don’t even understand them.” Rusty

57 “Get a goddamn sense of humor, for fucking crying out loud.” Dooce

59 “I own the fact that I am human and have had human experiences.” Sherry

60 “Trying to stop things that cause us pleasure, and cause nobody any pain, is just to take too much joy out of life.” Sage

61 “Someone give me a penis so that I don’t sound like a Feminazi.” Sassywho

63 “Everything is a work in progress. Otherwise, it’s just old news.” Justin Kownacki

64 “Misogyny deserves no shield to hide behind.” Deep Feminist

65 “I am sex, I am my body, and my sex, my mind and my body have never been separate.” Kochanie

66 “Stop trying to act like you’re relevant.” NRB

67 “We don’t always know what we think we know, and in fact, often we don’t know shit.” Kim

68 “Intimacy lives in the heart and head, not the crotch.” Renegade Evolution

69 On the move and eroding the moral fabric of this country since 2002.

71 Pulling numbers out of my opinion hole since 2002.

72 “The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame.” Rod Steiger

75 “We don’t have to trip over our liberalism here.” Octogalore

76 “One reader’s crap is another reader’s lifeline.” J. Brotherlove

77 “No web page is ever going to really be able to capture your humanity.” Rachel Kramer Bussel

78 Murdering innocent children in order to obtain sexual gratification since 2002.

79 Why not? It gives us something to do!

80 “I still stand for something, even on my knees.” Ren

81 “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T.S. Eliot

82 “That tattoo on my arm? It’s Sanskrit for ‘Tee hee, I love dick.’” Kim

83 “I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me.” Madonna

84 “We need to be able to feel good about certain achievements without falling on our swords every five seconds.” Octogalore

85 “Why do these people have to be so friggin’ predictable?” Queer Dewd

86 “You’d rather sit in your safe little hole and sneer, proud of how smart you sound.” Dave M.

87 “We’ve got two lives, one we’re given and the other one we make.” Mary Chapin Carpenter

88 “A little risk in the name of desire and self-satisfaction is quite different from developing false consciousness.” AWB

90 Not a Political Ass Virgin.

91 Professional blog warrior ready for action.

92 Goddess of social media cool / Free speech Nazi

93 “Most liberals are cowards who aren’t interested in real debate.” Shelby’s troll

94 I’m trouble.

95 “Accountability. It’s a bitch.” Jenny

96 “My vagina does not contain a magic wellspring of political solidarity, thank you.” Dora

97 “I’m such a fucking lady.” Remy Ma

98 “Physics makes us all its bitches.” Of Montreal

99 “If God gave us the imagination then it would be rude not to use it.” Rootietoot

100 “Being able to separate [sex and intimacy] is most likely associated with some deep scar in your unconscious psyche.” Crazy commenter

101 “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” Eleanor Roosevelt

102 “If the answer isn’t violence, neither is your silence.” PWEI

103 “The peaches more than make up for the Baptists.” Rootietoot

104 “No person is your friend who demands your silence.” Alice Walker

105 “So you can make me come, that doesn’t make you Jesus.” Tori Amos

106 If I can’t pole dance, it’s not my revolution.

107 “One man’s bukakke is another woman’s shibari.” j. brotherlove

108 “A little cleavage goes a long way. A lot of cleavage goes pretty much anywhere.” Jenny

109 “The gap between what we assume people do sexually and what they actually do is enormous.” Alfred Kinsey

110 “I can’t change the world / But I can change the world in me.” U2

111 “I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious” Liz Phair

112 “Yes I know what you think of me, you never shut up” Tori Amos

113 May trigger.

114 Not conducive to freedom.

115 Humorless feminist babykiller.

116 “It’s nice to be liked, but it’s better by far to get paid.” Liz Phair

melissa:

rkb:

You lose a lot by not being anonymous, and maybe the only thing you gain is the freedom from worrying about being outed. I’m with Melissa in that I’m not sure what Emily wrote is something I necessarily want to avoid. I’m still figuring all this out, and probably always will be. I don’t know that you can ever fully manage your online persona (or offline), because at the end of the day, whether you say everything or nothing or opt for somewhere in between, there will always be haters, there will always be misinterpretations, there will always be someone who’s uncomfortable with what you’ve said.

Also with Rachel here: I want to talk less about “oversharing” and more about the gutter. “Oversharing” has jumped the theoretical shark. In academia, we’d say the term and the way its deployed is overdetermined, but this is the Internet, and so, sharks it is. Chomp. We need better tools to take this thing apart. Using “oversharing” as our analytic lens is like using Gawker commenters to issue a Human Rights Declaration. And what I mean by the “gutter” is what Scott McCloud nailed in Understanding Comics — that we have been trained as readers to fill in the gaps between images (read also: blog posts, Twitter updates, News Feed items). This is where we as readers/users engage a text as authors (little “a,” Barthes bear with me). This is where the people formerly known as the audience get a front seat in our own lives, as writers, producers, creatives, insert overplayed word you’re too scared to apply to yourself and your work here. Plus all the connotations of the gutter are perfect for what we’re really pointing at here: body/bawdy talk, cum and tears, love and loss. Look at the examples Susan and Viviane pulled for their talk: girl, sex, blog.

Both from Laura Kipnis, via Aspasia:

“[F]or the sake of the children” is rather a selective enterprise, holding sway far more frequently when it comes to guilty matters like divorce than when it comes to pocketbook issues like education spending.

and

Sentimentality about children’s welfare comes and goes apparently: highest when there’s the chance to moralize about adult behavior, lowest when it comes to resource allocation.

From Monica at the $pread Blog:

Again, what other profession would we do this with? “I was going to help with the open heart surgery for my article, but…at the last minute I threw up and ran out of the room.” “I was going to sit on the 10th floor’s ceiling beams with the construction workers so I could bond with them over lunch, but my fear of heights was just too great, so I just stayed on the second floor, crying and shaking in my hard hat.”

A-freakin’-men.

I know I should be glad men are writing about sexism in tech (and I am) but stuff like this always kinds of annoys me too. The person who marked it for me in del.cio.us (btw, I can’t remember who this person actually is; their del.icio.us handle isn’t one they use elsewhere, apparently!) said this:

Hmm. Good article, but I find myself not wanting to link to Yet Another Man Discovering the Issue (sigh). Still, the code-of-conduct proposed seems pretty good, and at least he links out to women in his post.

It is a good post, and I’m not annoyed at the post itself (because as I’ve said before, it’s vitally important for men to talk to other men about sexism), but rather the culture around such posts, I guess is what you would call it. It’s like, it’s only taken seriously when a man writes about it; when a woman does, we’re just whiny bitches. Which is the whole point, but irony is lost.

So a few days ago Grayson was kicked off the front page of Peach Pundit. I don’t read Peach Pundit, because I find the place toxic and can’t bear to be there for even a few seconds without feeling ill (and no, I’m not exaggerating), so I wouldn’t have known if someone else hadn’t told me. Frankly I don’t understand why so many people seem to bow to Peach Pundit even though it’s blatantly obvious that the place is not trying to be some comprehensive resource for Georgia politics, and exists only as a place for the nastiest version of the old boys club, moved online, to jerk themselves off and feel better about themselves by hurling around schoolyard insults. Problem being, of course, that when you’re in a position of power and privilege relative to those who are on the receiving end of the hurling, it’s not something that can be written off with “just ignore it” or “they’re just idiots.” I mean, they are idiots, but they’re idiots whose words and actions can have real-world effects. This is why the “just ignore it” trope never worked for me. (Well, this and other, related reasons.) Not everyone has the luxury of “just ignoring it” - because if you do, something terrible and very real might happen.

That said, I do my best to “ignore it” by simply not visiting Peach Pundit. I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment without adding that heaping mound of BS. There isn’t room in my brain to deal with the drama of a bunch of disaffected white guys who totally aren’t sexist, so why don’t you shut up about it already… geez why are you so oversensitive, you humorless bitch? Also, you’re ugly, and probably a lesbian (because that would be the worst thing!), and I would never fuck you (such a loss!), etc. etc.

This is my lived experience. This is the lived experience of countless other women. No, you do not get to question it or invalidate it. THIS IS MY TRUTH. IT IS REAL.

So anyway, I didn’t know about Grayson being kicked off until Rusty told me about it. I thought, “Huh, that’s fucked up” but didn’t think more because like I said, there’s just not room in my brain right now for the PP bullshit - I have more important things I need to think about. I never understood why Grayson wrote there in the first place; the few times I would go over to PP (before I imposed a self-ban for the sake of my mental health) I would see her getting attacked and abused constantly, and no one did a damn thing about it. As for why she continued to write there, the only thing I could think was it was like Melissa’s reason for persevering at Valleywag (a place I find comparably hostile, if not as openly Republican):

My tactic has been to go ahead and take my stories where they dare not go, breaking with this whole “pink ghetto” nonsense as a game — I want to see what happens when I refuse to believe that there’s a certain way to be authentic and there’s a certain “right” audience for my work. Being a whore has made me very, very comfortable with letting people think I’m everything they want me to be for them, even as I’m doing (mostly) what I please.

And I really respect that. Coincidentally, Melissa put up that post right around the time I quit Download Squad. Some people can stand up to that sort of abuse, and not let it get them down, and stay focused on what they’re trying to do, and hopefully reach even just 1 person out of 1,000. I can’t. I don’t think that makes me weak or not as good of a writer/blogger/idealist/whatever or not as dedicated… or whatever else people might be prone to say. Those accusations are the easy way out, the way to cast judgment without taking a deeper look at all the layers of a situation.

Going back to Melissa’s quote above, the part I’m not comfortable with is letting people think I’m a [x], when really I’m doing my own thing. I have my moments; in certain situations, I can handle that. But overall? I have this need for people to understand, and anything else feels out of whack in my system, and I can’t deal. I know that’s a hindrance to me, because there are some people who just won’t understand, plain and simple, because of their own shit, no matter how much I try to explain and be clear and find the point of communication breakdown. I wish I could get over that, though, because I know it’s pragmatism (which I am a huge fan of); that’s how you get what you need done. I guess for me, getting what I need done has to take other avenues, for now.

As for Grayson’s situation at Peach Pundit, let me be very clear(!) that this has fuck-all to do with the substance of her writing there: was it on topic, was it off topic, was it inflammatory, blah blah blah. I don’t know, because I didn’t read it; and I don’t care. It’s immaterial to my concerns. To try to drag that into the conversation is to divert attention from the larger issue and to move dangerously close to “blame the victim” territory. What I care about is the pattern of behavior. This is how women are treated online. This is the same old shit over and over again, regardless of the particulars of the situation of the moment. This is how male bloggers go around their ass to get to their elbow, anything, my god, to avoid admitting that yeah, there’s a gendered explanation for what they’re doing, and the problem is with them, and it’s not okay.

This exhausts me. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat the same basic shit. And it’s not about my personal feelings for one blogger or another. It’s about a pattern of behavior. I can hardly even bear to type this because it feels so ridiculously repetitive - and it just upsets me. A lot.

Here’s an IM conversation between Rusty and me, from a few days ago. Ideally, I would write a totally well-thought-out, well-written post based on this conversation, complete with links and citations and references; instead, I’m letting it stand alone.

[15:55] Rusty: saw the email re: grayson…on one hand feel sort of bad for piling on, but on the other can’t really help but be a little disappointed that she got pretty viciously personal about it
[15:56] Amber: yeah, but i don’t think it’s really an appropriate time to focus on that. it reminds me of ppl who try to pretend all things are equal when they’re not. it’s like, why focus on that (whcih sucked and was uncalled for, no one is denying that) and not the MOUNTAIN of SHIT they’ve heaped on her?
[15:57] Amber: it’s like, you do one little thing that’s “out of line” when you’re dealing with people shitting all over you, and THAT is what gets focused on/ called out. i’ve seen it a lot ’round my blogosphere travels, and it bothers me.
[15:59] Rusty: thing is, she has been writing tons of irrelevant posts on the site..and yeah, other people write some, but with her it was like more than half her posts were that way…erick has been kind of spineless about reigning that in, hence exposing her to a lot of abuse that could have been avoided
[16:00] Amber: well see, i think that’s erick’s fault
[16:00] Amber: it’s his responsibility, as editor, to tell ppl when they are writing off topic stuff and make sure they don’t continue
[16:00] Rusty: yeah, which is something I mentioned in my blog post
[16:01] Amber: i know, which further shows that the playing field isn’t even. it’s like, why focus on her remark, rather than his lack of holding up his responsibilities, and then just pulling the plug? that was a shitty and unprofessional (and he wants to be “professional” which is why i pull that out) thing to do
[16:04] Rusty: it was still an uncool remark that I can’t let slide without saying something, even all other things considered…how devastating would it be if someone started talking her and her kid? I don’t think that’s acceptable under any circumstance
[16:05] Amber: it’s not acceptable, and i don’t disagree w/ that. but why let all of the other bullshit abuse she’s taken slide, and not this?
[16:05] Rusty: I don’t think I’m letting it slide
[16:06] Amber: it’s been going on for months… so my thing is, when ppl do this, it’s like, ok, yeah, that one thing was shitty, but how about this mountaitn of shit that’s been going on for a long time and is much worse? why did that never warrant a calling-out? why pile on the person being shat on at this particular time?
[16:07] Rusty: well, take the thing with jefferson…lots of people have been letting a lot of shitty behavior slide for a long time and are just now talking about it publicly..you included…that doesn’t invalidate any of it
[16:08] Amber: i see this as a different situation, bc jefferson has a court case going on with real-world implications and is asking for money
[16:09] Amber: i think what pushed a lot of ppl over the edge w/ him is that he’s asking for $20,000
[16:10] Rusty: yeah, certainly that’s greater motivation than in this case…but sometimes it takes a big public display to draw those comments out
[16:11] Amber: i think in the case w/ grayson, it’s pretty lopsided
[16:11] Amber: i’ve just seen this happen far too often in some of the blog circles i frequent, esp. with women… it happened to me at download squad, for example
[16:12] Amber: ppl left some vile, misogynistic comments on my post - personal comments -and nobody said a word. but the minute i did something i maybe shouldn’t have - twittered that the commenters were assholes - everybody was all over my shit
[16:12] Amber: now you tell me that’s fair
[16:16] Rusty: nope, not fair at all…and I’m not at all arguing that grayson has been treated fairly there…she hasn’t…but while erick may be tangentially responsible for some vile things said to her through his editorial negligence, he never personally attacked her…and she brought his parenting into it…I still think that’s beyond the pale even given the history
[16:19] Amber: he never personally attacked her, but he never defended her, either. and in a way that’s worse. at download squad, grant never personally attacked me, but he never stepped in to say anything to the misogynistic commenters, either - and as editor that was his responsibility. and i think that’s worse. it stinks.
[16:21] Rusty: it’s definitely shitty. but again, I’m disappointed that she went there because it makes the job of defending her very difficult. it was a fucked up thing to say
[16:23] Amber: it totally was. and i thnk there’s a way to point that out w/o making it seem slanted like “let’s focus on this one thing she said while people were treating her like garbage”. there’s a way to say that personal attacks are uncalled for, and use that as one example - but point out that the MOUNTAIN of unprovoked, awful comments she endured for months with no defense are a million other examples, and the silence on the matter has been deafening
[16:25] Rusty: I think I tried to acknowledge that in my post
[16:25] Rusty: I think there are problems with Peach Pundit, and that Grayson has taken abuse there that is disproportionate to any wrongs she is alleged to have committed prior to today.
[16:26] Amber: i just don’t think that point has been made - by anyone, me included, and that’s my bad bc i’ve been meaning to write on it, and now this happens - strongly enough
[16:27] Amber: women take this kind of abuse online all the fuckin time and if we dare talk about it we’re told we’re whiners and we can’t take the heat and we need to grow a thick skin… i’m fucking sick to death of it

Erick never personally attacked her. Grant never personally attacked me. Oh great. Do they get a medal?

*sigh* I don’t know what else to say. I need to lie down. Would I handle this better if I weren’t in the middle of dealing w/ grief? Maybe. But if I’m totally honest… probably not. It would still twist itself up in my gut, sitting there and eating at me and making me feel awful.

I’m putting this up without proofreading. Just, there. Now, I’ll go rest for a while before we go to Home Depot to get something to hang the bird feeder on, so the squirrels won’t steal seed from the bird friends that visit our balcony. Like this one, from Flickr user stewickie:

I figured it would be good to end on a happy note, with a photo of a bird!

He’s pissed because he doesn’t think about repercussions, he just thinks about action and then more action — he says something douchebaggy, he apologizes, there, done, move on, like there is no past, only now, he is in charge of the present. He can tell RKB to stop writing about him but not address his non-desire to censor HuffPo. He can call everyone a bitch and then apologize. Just as he’s entitled to drink as much as he wants and still expect privileges (I don’t know any woman who carries that kind of entitlement) like actually having girls around him. He’s entitled to being the king of the male sex blog-gods. He’s entitled to have everything just the way he wants it.

— Commenter riese on that ongoing thread

Words of wisdom from Caroline:

Thirteen years ago, a firefighter referred to Tyra as an “it”. A month ago, Angie’s killer referred to her also as an “it”. Both young women (in the case of Angie very young, only 18) lay dying in front of those people that uttered those words. There is so much further to go. It is crucial for cis people to be educated and clued up about these issues to end the ignorance and the fear and hatred that can spawn from that. The deaths of these women and the violence other transwomen face at the hands of cis people must be acknowledged and not swept under the carpet.

I don’t read Belledame’s blog much anymore, for a variety of reasons I won’t go into because I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with people coming over and giving me shit about it. But I happened to hop over there via someone’s link, and saw this comment from Octogalore, which I just had to share. It is so right on.

[T]he idea of a “utopian ideal” of “a private space where men and women could express their sexual selves freely” and get “personal sexual gratification” but which is also a strip club, strikes me as highly narcissistic and highly problematic in other ways.

Would we consider as “ideal” that a lawyer get “personal gratification” handling our cases? That someone waiting tables would have mutual glee at our enjoyment of our lasagna? No, they are professionals doing a job for which they are paid in the usual manner.

Of course it would be great if everyone had a jolly old time while at the job, but why the SPECIAL need for sex workers to have this? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of glorification of the idea of mutual satisfaction for wait staff or sales professionals or other kinds of professionals who are female.

It’s highly coincidental that in sex work, uniquely, the satisfaction a customer derives is proportional to or at least related to the pleasure a sex worker appears to derive, no?

And I’m not really one for coincidences.

So I think the intense need to press for this utopian, mutual pleasure is not really all that mutual.

In addition to that particular issue, there’s also a reality gap there. Sex workers are professionals. That means that they have skills beyond those of the general population in providing a pleasurable experience of a sensual nature combining a carefully maintained appearance, skills in conversation, dance, sex, whatever. The population of customers may include standouts in this area but it’s fair to say that on average, the customer population is as skilled as the general population, which is to say: much less skilled than the dancer population.

That’s not a slam on customers but is true of any job. The customers for doctors are less skilled at medical work. The customers for lawyers are less skilled at legal work. Same for teaching, counseling, building, etc. etc.

So to expect that the customer population would be as able to provide what the dancer population is providing is severely devoid of logic as well as respect for the profession.

That said, I personally benefited substantially from this particular notion, and in solidarity with current and future strippers, I hope they can as well.

I think some of us who endeavor to be allies to sex workers - or even just sexually progressive* - sometimes overcompensate and move into territory of having a special set of standards for sex workers, not unlike our opponents (indeed most of society) do. Our special set of standards just happens to be different, arguably more “positive,” but no less unrealistic and putting sex work into a special, separate category apart from other types of work.

* “Just” sexually progressive? Oh lord…

1) On racism

Racist is an adjective, not a noun. A person is not “a racist” or not; but certain actions or words are racist. I agree w/ Courtney:

I’ve long felt like calling people “racist” was the most pointless shit ever. It allows those who are doing the labeling to pretend they’re not–even though we’re all socialized in a racist society, and therefore, a little bit racist (in the words of Avenue Q). And it allows those who are the people being labeled to grow irate and not have a real conversation about race.

2) On “feminist acts”

You can’t determine whether something is “a feminist act” based simply on the act itself. The act alone gives you no basis on which to make such a determination, because you are lacking contextual information. It’s pointless to argue over whether [X] is a feminist act; what makes it a feminist act or not is all the other stuff around it - motivation, context, etc. But, I’m repeating myself.

Busy today, and if I’m going to be blogging, I want to get back to writing personal stuff; but I made the mistake of going back to that thread (which has exploded), and I saw this comment from Emilie Dice and it irritated me:

Because men are already “sex positive” by cultural default. It’s not an issue for them. Of course they want women making the right choice to cater to their sexist demands. It’s a given.

That really annoys me because it is so NOT what being sex-positive is about. It reminds me of non-sex-positive feminists who say, “I like sex! So how can I be sex-negative?” Because it’s not about whether you personally like sex. It’s about so much more than that. And the traditional patriarchal construct of how male and female heteronormative sexuality is played out is NOT sex-positive. So a guy not being afraid to say he likes to fuck isn’t necessarily sex-positive, either. Does he subscribe to the virgin/whore dichotomy? How does he view women who are openly, actively, unabashedly sexual? Does he speak in denigrating terms about some women and/or some types of consensual sex? Does he think “gay” is an insult? Does he use gendered insults? On and on and on. And of course, anything that is sexist (see Emilie’s comment) is by definition NOT sex-positive.

A few weeks ago I collected some sex-positive links to serve as reference for explaining what I mean, since I seem to be so often repeating myself.

From Just A Girl:

I find spaces that aren’t feminist or feminist-friendly to be hostile. I find them uncomfortable. I find that they are not woman-friendly, and I find that they aren’t receptive to discussions about changing this.

That’s not to say that feminist spaces aren’t hostile, or uncomfortable, or not woman-friendly, or not receptive to discussion about those things: they can be. I’ve found them to be. There are some so-called feminist spaces that I would never take part in, because I know that I’d both feel and be unwelcome.

But any space- even a “progressive” or “liberal” one- that isn’t, at the very least, welcoming to the idea of feminism could never be the space for me in which to freely discuss ideas and reactions.

It’s the ugly jokes- about women, about rape, about women’s issues. It’s the ugly assumptions (while we’re all guilty of naive or even stupid, thoughtless assumptions, there are some truly ugly ones out there that I am unprepared or simply not in the mood to fight). It’s the man-as-default setting where it all takes place.