Being Amber Rhea

As you’ve seen if you read my Twitter tweets, a few days ago BlogHer Atlanta, along with the three other Southern locations of the BlogHer Reach Out tour (Greensboro, Nashville, New Orleans) has been canceled.

:( :( :(

(I guess this means I don’t have to worry about writing that other post where I talk about how I found people’s reactions to my panel announcement to be weird and hurtful!)

I’m going to try to cover as much as possible in this post - and there’s a lot to cover. Admittedly it might not be the best time for me to be writing it, as I’ve just taken a Klonopin and drank some sort of espresso/mint concocation, discovered a mysterious crack in my car windshield, fought for 15 minutes to unstick my parking break, and am generally freaking out about staying in Augusta for another two days while Rusty is in Knoxville. I really really don’t want to, but I know I’ll end up staying - at least til Saturday evening. You would think my dad died yesterday with the way my moods are all over the place. So, yeah, maybe not the best time. BUT, I don’t want to keep putting it off, and I’m in this Metro Coffeehouse and it seems (for the time being, anyway; that may change when these fratty-looking fools who just walked in start shooting pool) like a conducive place for blogging - moreso than my mom’s living room, for some reason.

ANYWAY. Onward to BlogHer stuff. If I leave something out, it’s just an oversight, as there’s a lot of related stuff swimming around in my head, and I’ll probably do a follow-up post in that case.

Also none of this is a personal dig at Elisa Camahort, who I think is great. BUT I do think BlogHer as an organization handled this situation poorly, and I feel I have the right to share that criticism, and hopefully they will be receptive.

The official explanation was inadequate “sponsor and community support” in these cities. I think this is an unfair and dishonest way of rhetorically shifting the blame to the communities. We have LOTS of community support for social media here in Atlanta. If the problem is lack of sponsor dollars, that’s not the same thing as lack of community support. Yes, I know it says “sponsor AND community support,” but the way that’s worded, the conflation is bound to happen whether it’s intentional or not.

Also you simply cannot have the same expectations for Atlanta that you have for LA, San Francisco, or New York. We have a thriving social media community here, BUT it does not (nor should it) look like the scenes in those cities. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve a chance. And it feels pretty shitty to constantly get passed by. I remember when I was in the early planning stages of Sex 2.0, somebody (Melissa, maybe? I can’t remember) suggested I move it to San Francisco to coincide w/ Arse Elektronika or the Folsom Street Fair or something. My answer was an emphatic NO! I live in Atlanta, so why would I hold a conference that’s my brainchild in another city? Also, I am sick and tired of EVERYTHING being in California and New York. There are other places out there, believe it or not, and a lot of ‘em are pretty darn cool. As Jen said on Twitter: “Assuming that said community support doesn’t exist, how it (sic) one supposed to build it up without conferences?”

Basically I think BlogHer was aiming to do too much too soon w/ these Reach Out tours. Yes, it is definitely awesome that they provide breakfast and lunch at their conferences; but that’s not necessary. Cocktail parties are also nice, but again, not necessary. Sex 2.0 didn’t have any of those frills and it was a blast - because of the people and energy in attendance. That’s what will truly make or break any event.

Another issue may have been purely logistical; Darcey pointed out on Twitter, “Maybe has to do with the conference being held for one day during middle of the weel (sic)? Maybe if it were a Friday, would be diff.” I think there’s definitely some truth to that - it can be hard for people to get time off work.

I don’t know if I can convey how much I was looking forward to this panel. And we had some really awesome panelists lined up: yours truly (duh), Tiffany Brown, Amy Davis, and Callie Simms, with Elisa moderating. An excellent diversity of opinions and experiences, and only one panelist was not from Atlanta. To recap, this was the panel description:

The “Naked” Blogging Double Standard
At just about every BlogHer event we end up discussing the ramifications of “naked” blogging; that is, blogging your true self. Blogging’s low barrier to entry has provided a platform for everyone, and particularly women, to tell our own stories, to create a more diverse cultural record than has been historically typical, and to own our experiences and how transparently we choose to share those experiences. Every blogger draws their boundaries differently. In a survey BlogHer conducted a couple of years ago bloggers indicated that it was more taboo to discuss finances on their blog than sex! But, let’s get real: Really? We’re not sure we’re buying it. Is anyone else out there blown away by how much conflict the issues of gender, sex and sexuality (and society’s expectations of how women “should” behave) still stir up… and by how much judgment is still thrown at women who ignore the admonishment that “nice girls don’t?”

Every year at BlogHer the debate rages: Can we talk about shoes and still be taken seriously? Well, let’s take it a step further: Can women talk openly about sex and still be taken seriously? And is it different for men? Women certainly don’t agree on the answer, so you can be sure the answer is even more unclear in segments of society, industry and the blogosphere that are more male-dominated. How do we challenge that status quo - and support women in their choices, even when they might not be our choices? Join Amber Rhea, one of the women leading the charge for change, in a frank discussion designed to expose the naked blogging double standard and challenge our preconceived notions of what it means to be taken seriously.

I feel VERY passionately about this topic, and I don’t see it being discussed very many places. (And by “very many places” I mean “at all.”) I was SO looking forward to having a somewhat formal panel of questions, also with time for plenty of audience input and sharing of experiences, on this very important and under-explored topic, in a space with primarily women who blog or use social media in other ways.

I’ll be leading a session next weekend at BlogOrlando on a somewhat-related topic; hence:

Professionalism 2.0
What does “professionalism” mean in the context of blogging? Is it a matter of the topics you write about, the language you use, the amount of research you put into a typical post - or all or none of the above? Social media tools offer us the opportunity to express our full humanity instead of compartmentalizing aspects of who we are. To what degree do we need to adjust our pre-conceived notions about what’s professional and what isn’t?

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not excited about this, because I definitely am. But it won’t be a mostly-women space, and thus the conversation won’t center on how these deeply entrenched and unexamined biases affect us as women online, and how we (consciously or unconsciously) replicate existing arbitrary standards among ourselves. It will also be an unconference format (which, duh, I love) so there won’t be a formal panel with a moderator, and I think this particular topic is one that is well-served by having a bit of structure.

Elisa mentioned in an email to me that she really likes the topic and hopes I will consider bringing it to BlogHer ‘09. At this point, I don’t know. It kind of feels like, “Sorry you couldn’t present this in your own community and engage the opinions of local social media participants; but hey, fly your ass all the way to California and do it here, because this is the place that really matters.”

Not a good feeling. Once again the South is passed over, deemed “not good enough.”

And it’s not just me who’s sad - a lot of people on Twitter and in email were conveying their disappointment.

Now, I also want to be kind of devil’s advocate here - or not really devil’s advocate, but just address some things that would be valid criticisms if I left it just at this. First of all, it annoyed the shit out of me when I saw people whining and complaining on Twitter about BlogHer ATL being “too expensive.” Well, what do you expect? Do you really expect to be handed an awesome event on a platter for free? If it pisses you off that much, try organizing your own event and then maybe you’ll see how it’s not exactly a walk in the park. The two conferences I’ve organized, which are much smaller in scale than BlogHer ATL would have been (although, tangent: there’s no reason it couldn’t have been on that smaller scale, and in fact originally I thought that was the whole point of the Reach Out tour) drained me completely, so that I will never do anything like that again. And guess what, that shit COSTS MONEY. Even Sex 2.0, where we had no frills whatsoever, cost just over $4,000 - and there were STILL people bitching about paying the $40 admission!! (And you know how much I hate the word “bitching,” so I must be pretty worked up to use it here.) I just get so damn irritated with people who just expect that everything should be handed to them and wah wah wah if it costs “too much.” Fuck that. You want community events, let’s sack up and make ‘em happen - and quit whining!

But all that being said, I do think BlogHer could have (and should have) scaled back the event and then the admission would’ve been able to be lower and then more people might have signed up. Of course, you can’t make people go to anything - and lord knows I’ve dealt with more than my share of lazy asses who say they’ll do something or come to something and then they JUST DON’T - but that might have helped a bit. And then next year people might be willing to pay more for an event with more frills. (Keep in mind, too, that salaries and such in Atlanta aren’t what they are in LA!)

And now I have totally lost my train of thought. There was more I wanted to say, and certainly some of the above that I didn’t say nearly as eloquently as I should. I’ll go ahead and stop for now, though, and put this up in its imperfect state, and let the flamage commence, I guess. I better go get a chicken salad sandwich at New Moon… all I’ve had to eat all day is a banana and a plum, and that can’t be helping my frazzled state.

Overall I am just really, really sad about BlogHer Atlanta being canceled. I’m not sure many people truly understood how important this was to me. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to hold a forum on this topic that I’m so passionate about.

Something I find interesting and disturbing is how freely people of my generation give out their social security numbers. (I do it myself all the time!) Think about it, how often when you call customer service for somewhere like a bank, or a cable company, or any other place where you have an account do they ask to “verify your social security number?” Some people even use it as their driver’s license number. When I was in grad school, I remember our awesome CS professor, Dr. Dan, telling us that an important rule of designing good web apps was that under no circumstances should a person’s social security number be used as a username, password, or any other type of identity verification. This is what leads to the ease of identity theft, and anyway, social security numbers were never meant to be personal identification numbers, although that’s basically what they’ve come to be. (And I can understand the rationale - it’s easy, everyone has a unique SSN, it’s assigned by the Federal government, so why not use it as an ID?)

One thing that really struck me and made me realize that this cavalier attitude toward SSNs is a phenomenon among younger people was back in December/January, when I was dealing with all that AT&T bullshit for my grandmother. (Not sure if I ever wrote about it here; I think I Twittered about it, at least; but mad props to Darcey’s boyfriend for finally getting that shit sorted out, as it took absurdity to new depths of cartoonishness.) When I would call AT&T they would constantly be asking for her social security number. It didn’t matter that I gave them her name, address, account numbers, phone number, explained that I was her granddaughter and she’s in her 80s and doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with this fucking bullshit which even I could barely make heads nor tails of… no, they wanted that magic, golden social security number! So I called Gran and asked her if she’d give it to me. She refused. She even refused to give me just the last four digits. She said she’d never associated her SSN w/ her account anyway, because it’s not something she gives out.

I found that to be really interesting and important to think about, how protective she is of it, not even revealing it to me, her granddaughter, whom she pretty much thinks can do no wrong. Also, on a somewhat related note, she had been getting phone calls from people trying to scam her out of her MasterCard number, saying they were from magazine companies and such; she saw right through it. I think sometimes we don’t give older folks enough credit - we assume they’re stupid or naïve in matters like this. But in many ways they can be more responsible than people our age!

What do y’all think about the social security number thing? (And of course, if you don’t live in the US, I’m sure you DGAS!)

Just a couple other things, then I should get ready for bed. When I think about all the day-to-day, deeply entrenched, utterly unquestioned sexism in our society,* I get really sad. It’s another reason I just can’t participate in all the drama of various blogs, and certainly not in most political events of any sort. (Sex, Wine and Chocolate being an exception… gotta buy my tickets for this year, and you should too!) When I hear people being so dismissive about sexism, using oppressed people as punchlines for their unfunny jokes, refusing to listen to someone else’s lived experience, immediately dismissing anything associated w/ the name “feminism,” and just generally being jackasses, sure, on one level it makes me angry; but mostly it makes me profoundly sad. And I don’t know what to do with that. I have a history of internalizing my anger and sadness in self-destructive ways, so I have to resist my old patterns; and yet still I’m left wondering, mouth agape and arms wide open, what do I do with… this massive, overwhelming THIS?

Here are two posts from my archives as examples of what makes me feel so sad and dragged down:

• September 22, 2006: Cruel and Unusual
• November 17, 2006: More hell yes

On some level I have that doe-eyed idealistic hippie thing going on: I want to make the world a better place. I truly do. I want the world to be a place where people respect each other, listen to each other, and learn and grow from that listening. But too often people are just shouting over each other trying to see who will be the loudest, with the same voices always “winning.”

Lastly, I’ve been unhappy with the way a lot of people have reacted to my news of my BlogHer Atlanta panel. It’s really bizarre, actually: when I first announced it, immediately the responses came in of why people can’t go. The justifications, almost being too quick to say they can’t come and here are all the reasons why. Not a simple “congratulations” or “that sounds cool” or “I’m happy for you”; no, it was all, “I can’t come.” To me this defies basic decency and common sense. That is not how you act to a friend. More on this later though, I’m too tired to write anymore of it for now… I’m all drained after writing about the sexism stuff.

* I’m sick of using the phrase “in our society” - but I can’t think of a better one. Ideas?

So a few days ago Grayson was kicked off the front page of Peach Pundit. I don’t read Peach Pundit, because I find the place toxic and can’t bear to be there for even a few seconds without feeling ill (and no, I’m not exaggerating), so I wouldn’t have known if someone else hadn’t told me. Frankly I don’t understand why so many people seem to bow to Peach Pundit even though it’s blatantly obvious that the place is not trying to be some comprehensive resource for Georgia politics, and exists only as a place for the nastiest version of the old boys club, moved online, to jerk themselves off and feel better about themselves by hurling around schoolyard insults. Problem being, of course, that when you’re in a position of power and privilege relative to those who are on the receiving end of the hurling, it’s not something that can be written off with “just ignore it” or “they’re just idiots.” I mean, they are idiots, but they’re idiots whose words and actions can have real-world effects. This is why the “just ignore it” trope never worked for me. (Well, this and other, related reasons.) Not everyone has the luxury of “just ignoring it” - because if you do, something terrible and very real might happen.

That said, I do my best to “ignore it” by simply not visiting Peach Pundit. I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment without adding that heaping mound of BS. There isn’t room in my brain to deal with the drama of a bunch of disaffected white guys who totally aren’t sexist, so why don’t you shut up about it already… geez why are you so oversensitive, you humorless bitch? Also, you’re ugly, and probably a lesbian (because that would be the worst thing!), and I would never fuck you (such a loss!), etc. etc.

This is my lived experience. This is the lived experience of countless other women. No, you do not get to question it or invalidate it. THIS IS MY TRUTH. IT IS REAL.

So anyway, I didn’t know about Grayson being kicked off until Rusty told me about it. I thought, “Huh, that’s fucked up” but didn’t think more because like I said, there’s just not room in my brain right now for the PP bullshit - I have more important things I need to think about. I never understood why Grayson wrote there in the first place; the few times I would go over to PP (before I imposed a self-ban for the sake of my mental health) I would see her getting attacked and abused constantly, and no one did a damn thing about it. As for why she continued to write there, the only thing I could think was it was like Melissa’s reason for persevering at Valleywag (a place I find comparably hostile, if not as openly Republican):

My tactic has been to go ahead and take my stories where they dare not go, breaking with this whole “pink ghetto” nonsense as a game — I want to see what happens when I refuse to believe that there’s a certain way to be authentic and there’s a certain “right” audience for my work. Being a whore has made me very, very comfortable with letting people think I’m everything they want me to be for them, even as I’m doing (mostly) what I please.

And I really respect that. Coincidentally, Melissa put up that post right around the time I quit Download Squad. Some people can stand up to that sort of abuse, and not let it get them down, and stay focused on what they’re trying to do, and hopefully reach even just 1 person out of 1,000. I can’t. I don’t think that makes me weak or not as good of a writer/blogger/idealist/whatever or not as dedicated… or whatever else people might be prone to say. Those accusations are the easy way out, the way to cast judgment without taking a deeper look at all the layers of a situation.

Going back to Melissa’s quote above, the part I’m not comfortable with is letting people think I’m a [x], when really I’m doing my own thing. I have my moments; in certain situations, I can handle that. But overall? I have this need for people to understand, and anything else feels out of whack in my system, and I can’t deal. I know that’s a hindrance to me, because there are some people who just won’t understand, plain and simple, because of their own shit, no matter how much I try to explain and be clear and find the point of communication breakdown. I wish I could get over that, though, because I know it’s pragmatism (which I am a huge fan of); that’s how you get what you need done. I guess for me, getting what I need done has to take other avenues, for now.

As for Grayson’s situation at Peach Pundit, let me be very clear(!) that this has fuck-all to do with the substance of her writing there: was it on topic, was it off topic, was it inflammatory, blah blah blah. I don’t know, because I didn’t read it; and I don’t care. It’s immaterial to my concerns. To try to drag that into the conversation is to divert attention from the larger issue and to move dangerously close to “blame the victim” territory. What I care about is the pattern of behavior. This is how women are treated online. This is the same old shit over and over again, regardless of the particulars of the situation of the moment. This is how male bloggers go around their ass to get to their elbow, anything, my god, to avoid admitting that yeah, there’s a gendered explanation for what they’re doing, and the problem is with them, and it’s not okay.

This exhausts me. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat the same basic shit. And it’s not about my personal feelings for one blogger or another. It’s about a pattern of behavior. I can hardly even bear to type this because it feels so ridiculously repetitive - and it just upsets me. A lot.

Here’s an IM conversation between Rusty and me, from a few days ago. Ideally, I would write a totally well-thought-out, well-written post based on this conversation, complete with links and citations and references; instead, I’m letting it stand alone.

[15:55] Rusty: saw the email re: grayson…on one hand feel sort of bad for piling on, but on the other can’t really help but be a little disappointed that she got pretty viciously personal about it
[15:56] Amber: yeah, but i don’t think it’s really an appropriate time to focus on that. it reminds me of ppl who try to pretend all things are equal when they’re not. it’s like, why focus on that (whcih sucked and was uncalled for, no one is denying that) and not the MOUNTAIN of SHIT they’ve heaped on her?
[15:57] Amber: it’s like, you do one little thing that’s “out of line” when you’re dealing with people shitting all over you, and THAT is what gets focused on/ called out. i’ve seen it a lot ’round my blogosphere travels, and it bothers me.
[15:59] Rusty: thing is, she has been writing tons of irrelevant posts on the site..and yeah, other people write some, but with her it was like more than half her posts were that way…erick has been kind of spineless about reigning that in, hence exposing her to a lot of abuse that could have been avoided
[16:00] Amber: well see, i think that’s erick’s fault
[16:00] Amber: it’s his responsibility, as editor, to tell ppl when they are writing off topic stuff and make sure they don’t continue
[16:00] Rusty: yeah, which is something I mentioned in my blog post
[16:01] Amber: i know, which further shows that the playing field isn’t even. it’s like, why focus on her remark, rather than his lack of holding up his responsibilities, and then just pulling the plug? that was a shitty and unprofessional (and he wants to be “professional” which is why i pull that out) thing to do
[16:04] Rusty: it was still an uncool remark that I can’t let slide without saying something, even all other things considered…how devastating would it be if someone started talking her and her kid? I don’t think that’s acceptable under any circumstance
[16:05] Amber: it’s not acceptable, and i don’t disagree w/ that. but why let all of the other bullshit abuse she’s taken slide, and not this?
[16:05] Rusty: I don’t think I’m letting it slide
[16:06] Amber: it’s been going on for months… so my thing is, when ppl do this, it’s like, ok, yeah, that one thing was shitty, but how about this mountaitn of shit that’s been going on for a long time and is much worse? why did that never warrant a calling-out? why pile on the person being shat on at this particular time?
[16:07] Rusty: well, take the thing with jefferson…lots of people have been letting a lot of shitty behavior slide for a long time and are just now talking about it publicly..you included…that doesn’t invalidate any of it
[16:08] Amber: i see this as a different situation, bc jefferson has a court case going on with real-world implications and is asking for money
[16:09] Amber: i think what pushed a lot of ppl over the edge w/ him is that he’s asking for $20,000
[16:10] Rusty: yeah, certainly that’s greater motivation than in this case…but sometimes it takes a big public display to draw those comments out
[16:11] Amber: i think in the case w/ grayson, it’s pretty lopsided
[16:11] Amber: i’ve just seen this happen far too often in some of the blog circles i frequent, esp. with women… it happened to me at download squad, for example
[16:12] Amber: ppl left some vile, misogynistic comments on my post - personal comments -and nobody said a word. but the minute i did something i maybe shouldn’t have - twittered that the commenters were assholes - everybody was all over my shit
[16:12] Amber: now you tell me that’s fair
[16:16] Rusty: nope, not fair at all…and I’m not at all arguing that grayson has been treated fairly there…she hasn’t…but while erick may be tangentially responsible for some vile things said to her through his editorial negligence, he never personally attacked her…and she brought his parenting into it…I still think that’s beyond the pale even given the history
[16:19] Amber: he never personally attacked her, but he never defended her, either. and in a way that’s worse. at download squad, grant never personally attacked me, but he never stepped in to say anything to the misogynistic commenters, either - and as editor that was his responsibility. and i think that’s worse. it stinks.
[16:21] Rusty: it’s definitely shitty. but again, I’m disappointed that she went there because it makes the job of defending her very difficult. it was a fucked up thing to say
[16:23] Amber: it totally was. and i thnk there’s a way to point that out w/o making it seem slanted like “let’s focus on this one thing she said while people were treating her like garbage”. there’s a way to say that personal attacks are uncalled for, and use that as one example - but point out that the MOUNTAIN of unprovoked, awful comments she endured for months with no defense are a million other examples, and the silence on the matter has been deafening
[16:25] Rusty: I think I tried to acknowledge that in my post
[16:25] Rusty: I think there are problems with Peach Pundit, and that Grayson has taken abuse there that is disproportionate to any wrongs she is alleged to have committed prior to today.
[16:26] Amber: i just don’t think that point has been made - by anyone, me included, and that’s my bad bc i’ve been meaning to write on it, and now this happens - strongly enough
[16:27] Amber: women take this kind of abuse online all the fuckin time and if we dare talk about it we’re told we’re whiners and we can’t take the heat and we need to grow a thick skin… i’m fucking sick to death of it

Erick never personally attacked her. Grant never personally attacked me. Oh great. Do they get a medal?

*sigh* I don’t know what else to say. I need to lie down. Would I handle this better if I weren’t in the middle of dealing w/ grief? Maybe. But if I’m totally honest… probably not. It would still twist itself up in my gut, sitting there and eating at me and making me feel awful.

I’m putting this up without proofreading. Just, there. Now, I’ll go rest for a while before we go to Home Depot to get something to hang the bird feeder on, so the squirrels won’t steal seed from the bird friends that visit our balcony. Like this one, from Flickr user stewickie:

I figured it would be good to end on a happy note, with a photo of a bird!

I’ve told it all to Rusty. I’ve told a good chunk of it to Jenny via IM, and hopefully made some sense amid the typos and inevitable disjointedness of IMing while at work. I’ve scrawled some of it in my real journal (that is, until my hand started hurting like hell; I can hardly believe I used to write 20+ page letters to friends, back before any of us had email).

The original placeholder title of this post was “In the VA on July 4th.” As I said on Twitter, the irony was most certainly not lost on me that my dad was in the VA Hospital on July 4th, with much of the place closed down and only a skeleton crew working, and the asshole intern who looked like he just walked off the set of Grey’s Anatomy (but not in a good way) saying they can’t do anything because of the holiday weekend. There were signs everyone that said, “Our Mission: To Do Everything We Can For Veterans,” and patriotic decorations of the sort you find in elementary schools, with bubbly cut-out American-flag-patterned letters stapled to those big sheets of paper that come on rolls, spelling out, “We Love Our Veterans!”

That is some terrible irony. I guess the only way it could be worse is if it had been Memorial Day weekend.

“Support our troops” means put a fucking yellow ribbon magnet on the back of your SUV (yes, it’s so cliché to even say it at this point, we’ve all heard it before), not actually providing care and coverage to the infirm. Oh right my dad gets a piddly $200 a month benefit from the government for being exposed to Agent Orange in Vietnam; “oops, our bad for exposing you to a potentially deadly chemical; here’s two hundred bucks!”

And leaving the infuriating irony aside, this whole situation has brought out into the light (yet again) the stark, ugly reality of the divide between the haves and the have-nots. We can spend billions of dollars on a wall between the US and Mexico but somehow we can’t figure out how to provide comprehensive health coverage for every citizen. I mean thank goodness for small favors; at least he’s actually registered at the VA at this point (unlike when he had a stroke in 2006, and was treated like a second-class citizen by the staff at Doctors Hospital [coincidentally, also the hospital where I was born], since he didn’t have insurance). He has Medicare Part Whatever - I can’t keep track of all the letters and what they mean. I worked on a program for it back when it first came out in 2005, and I remember thinking, holy shit, if I can’t make hide nor hair of this nonsense then how the hell is someone who’s elderly and unwell going to navigate this fucking labyrinth of bureaucracy? Oh but at least the web site had large type!

Anyway Medicare Part XYZobtwFU will pay for a nursing home - but only for 90 days. Someone explain that rationale to me! Who goes into a nursing home and then, after 90 days, is suddenly fit and well and ready to go golfing!? Or do they just expect you’ll die before the 90 days is up? If not, go ahead and start spending your retirement savings - oh wait, that’s assuming you have any retirement savings. There’s that nasty divide again.

And yet knowing all this, my mom still votes Republican. It baffles.

I don’t know. There’s more I want to say. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. And there’s this side of me that’s infuriating even myself, where I start to feel selfish (that word again!) for even mentioning this to anyone, like they’re going to think I’m trying to say I’m the only person who’s ever dealt with a family crisis. Now realistically, who would think that? No one. But that’s my mind for you.

I guess one of the good things about going to Augusta this weekend is that I won’t have to see that stupid psychiatrist on Saturday. I really do not like her, but for now she’s the one prescribing my meds. I don’t feel that I’ve been benefiting from talk therapy lately, but that’s another story for another time.

And I have another post about my dad and such in the works which will come out eventually, but it’ll need to be password-protected. And who knows when I’ll get around to writing it.

Oh and also? Preemptively… please, no comments on this post telling me what I should do or who I should call or what I should look into. Unless you know something 100% definitive and can do the work for me? Well, I appreciate that you might mean well and want to help, but no thanks.

God forbid, you can’t normalize and legitimize icky prostitution that I have such a personal moral problem with, because then…

-oh wait. Because then, stuff like this might not happen.

Well then.

As Kim said at Ren’s…

Popular opinion: Hooker murders are icky, grisly, and wrong, because, well, murder is wrong but … well, thank goodness it was “just” a whore. No big whoop, right? And, well, that’s what she gets, you know? I mean, that’s just part of the risks of being a skanky ho.

This has me so pissed off right now. What the hell is wrong with people?

This “Well, thank goodness just a _____ died and not, like, a real normal, GOOD person” attitude strikes a real sore spot with me.

ETA: Oh, and also… don’t bother reading the comments on the Bastard Logic thread. Trust me.

My feelings on the bit of it I (regrettably) skimmed echo what GallingGalla said at The Curvature:

The comment thread on the bastard.logic story made me sick. A bunch of men (and especially one guy) making every excuse in the book for why the “sentence” was justified — probably enough to create a “hating on sex workers” bingo card.

Speaking of The Curvature, thanks to Cara for also posting about this on Feministe.

This post at Bound, Not Gagged really touched me.

Her death has been heavy on the hearts of many a sex worker, indicative as it is of this juggernaut of a system that could grind us into nothing if we get caught up. For me, I think her death translates into real fear. A fear that is about fighting the good fight, and still going down. If we manage to survive and thrive in a crazy industry; if we live ethically as sex workers and use all our faculties to operate our businesses and maintain what we believe is right, we still might end up dead. Ms. Palfrey was a resourceful woman. A woman connected, perhaps dangerously, to big players in the government. And she got royally fucked. Someone, somewhere said, we’re going to bring her down. We’re going to make an example of this one. And they didn’t stop until she was swinging from a rope.

…

I regret deeply now that I, we, did not do something more concrete to support her in her struggle. It is a bare and unpleasant truth that the moment a sex worker comes under legal fire, s/he becomes untouchable. Abandoned by clients, friends, etc…how did Palfrey end up in her mother’s home? Why wasn’t she staying with me? Where were her friends? Where was her support network?

This blog was begun as a response to her original arrest. She has, inadvertently, been an enormous catalyst in the sex workers rights movement. And now she’s dead.

What the fuck.

Keep Deborah Jeane Palfrey, and what her death means, in your thoughts starting at 7:00 p.m. (Atlanta time) today, for the next 24 hours. And all the time, really.

From Chris Hall at Sex in the Public Square (be sure to read the full post). Chris is a wonderful writer.

The real tragedy of [Palfrey's] death, from where I’m standing, is not anything extraordinary about her story, but how common and familiar it is, to the point of being cliché. If the story of Deborah Jean Palfrey had been laid out in a novel or play or screenplay, I would be angry at having my time wasted by a writer who was unable or unwilling to rise above cheap hackery that was old and worn out in the days of the Victorian penny dreadfuls. But Palfrey was a real person, and it makes me sick and angry to think how often the lives of people who should live peaceful, untroubled lives are forced into old patterns.

When I heard that Palfrey had hung herself, one of the first things that I thought of was the story of Ida Craddock. Craddock was a freethinker and feminist who wrote several sexual education manuals and pamphlets in the late 19th century. She was hounded and pursued for over a decade by the moralists of the day, in particular the infamous Anthony Comstock. In 1902, she was finally convicted for sending obscene materials through the mail and sentenced to five years in prison. Craddock was 45 years old at the time of her conviction and didn’t think that she could survive her sentence; the night before she was supposed to report for incarceration, she slit her wrists. Comstock showed no signs of regretting her suicide; in fact, he commonly bragged that he had driven as many as 15 people to suicide in his crusade for public morality.

One hundred and six years later, I want Ida Craddock’s story to seem quaint and old-fashioned, like an aged relic of less enlightened times. But Deborah Jean Palfrey is dead, hung from the neck by a nylon rope; her former employee, Brandy Britton, went the same way. David Vitter is still in the Senate. So it goes.

In the eye of the media, Palfrey’s death was regarded almost without a blasé fascination, as if the urge for a woman who transgressed to hang herself in her mother’s shed was as natural and unavoidable as birds migrating. And it seems unbelievable that one hundred and six years after Ida Craddock, we have to work so hard to justify not only the course that she chose to make for her life, but that we also have to fight to make others see that her death was a stupid waste, and not the inevitable end to a badly-written melodrama.

What we do, all the blogging and writing and organizing sometimes can seem futile, especially with stories like Palfrey’s. The one thing that we can be grateful for, in a somewhat grim way, is that Palfrey had to do more than merely write about sex before she was hounded and shamed into her grave. That, at least, is something that we’ve accomplished in the one hundred years since Ida Craddock opened her veins with a straight razor. But it’s not enough.

And I’m crying, again.

Yeah, I’ve mentioned before that I can be pretty emotional, and cry at inopportune times. But this week, I think it’s appropriate.

Reposting this press release from Bound, Not Gagged until I have time to finish the other Palfrey post (not to mention the “why feminism needs to focus on women” post) that have been in draft mode for several days now.

—

New York, NY - The activists at Sex Workers Action New York (SWANK), Sex Workers Outreach Project New York (SWOP-NYC), Prostitutes of New York (PONY) and the nationally-based Desiree Alliance are saddened that Deborah Jeane Palfrey, also known as the D.C. Madam, passed away on May 1st in an apparent suicide. We - prostitutes, strippers, pro-dommes, porn stars, sex experts, and allies - extend our sympathies to all of those hurt by this most recent chapter of the “Pink Scare,” in which oppressive legislation and social stigma partner to generate hysteria around what, for us, can prove to be simply a decent way to make a living.

The circumstances surrounding Ms. Palfrey’s death suggest that Americans reconsider the current state and federal policies that govern sex work, as well as the stigmatization and sensational treatment of those who participate in this industry. From New York to California, daily reports of Pink Scare-fueled police busts, e-stings and raids, even at legal venues like strip clubs and dungeons, have reached a fever pitch. These oppressive patterns regularly marginalize and terrorize our communities, with barely a headline to show for the mass arrests. In contrast, coverage of high-profile cases include yellow journalism exposés published at the expense of sex workers’ privacy, dignity and livelihood. In an interview with Lori Price, it was Ms. Palfrey who said, “Without question in my mind, escort and adult service businesses. . . are being used as the new weapon of choice in American politics.” The public figures implicated in this type of case often receive little more than a slap on the wrist and a second chance from a forgiving public. Ironically, among the exposed we regularly find the very same lawmakers and other insiders who claim to protect people from vice through moralizing legislation. Former State Department official Randall L. Tobias was a Palfrey patron, though he implemented the abstinence earmark in programs such as the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief (PEPFAR) and, with it, the “Anti-Prostitution Pledge” that has resulted in diminished funding for sex worker-run organizations. Annually, our government spends millions in taxpayer money to apprehend and prosecute participants in the sex trade, while more effective policies like harm reduction-based approaches, including the multiplication of living wage alternatives, are dramatically under-utilized.

In both the highly-publicized scandals and under-documented daily struggles, many sex workers now face financial ruin, emotional hardship and social opprobrium at the hands of the Pink Scare simply because their work, though it takes place between consenting adults, may be illegal and, to some, may be offensive. In two instances associated with Palfrey’s case, Ms. Palfrey and her former employee, Ms. Britton, oppressive laws and stigma cost the implicated their very lives. Why did Ms. Palfrey die? In response to this question, an activist with the International Union of Sex Workers wrote, “Whether she died by her own hand or her suicide is a cover for murder, she has been killed by the state.” Given the highly political nature of these events, SWANK, SWOP-NYC, PONY and the Desiree Alliance call for an independent investigation of the circumstances surrounding Ms. Palfrey’s untimely death. Furthermore, we, as activists and advocates, would like to stress in this instance that the criminalization of sex workers and our labor only drives us further underground, making us and our dependents more vulnerable to client and police violence, and even death, as we are further isolated. The unfortunate events of the D.C. scandal bring many of these broader issues into sharper focus. It is high time that we challenge the morals and laws that harm so many, so deeply, with so few gains and so many lives destroyed.

All I have time for today are blockquote posts, but here’s another one everyone should read, from Elizabeth at Sex in the Public Square:

I no longer think that the exposing of clients is going to be the source of any great reduction in the stigma attached to sex work. Why? Because they always apologize.

They apologize by admitting their “sins” a la David Vitter or they apologize and resign their posts, a la Eliot Spitzer, but they always apologize, and by doing so they reinforce the impression that consciously and explicitly exchanging sex for money is wrong, and they reinforce the stigma. In fact they often refer to that stigma when they include in their apologies their regret for bringing shame on their families.

Note that they do not apologize for any mistreatment of the workers. They apologize for being clients in the first place.

So my new call on Labor Day is a call to the clients and not a call to the workers. Clients of the sex workers of the world: stand up for the people whose work you are paying for. Treat those workers respectfully and protect their safety and don’t apologize for paying for their services.

Yes, you may have much to apologize for:

Apologize if you have actively worked to keep the services you pay for criminalized.

Apologize if you have said insulting, demeaning or paternalistic things about sex workers.

Apologize if you have contributed to the shaming of sex workers.

Apologize if you have jeopardized the health of a sex worker.

Apologize if you have committed violence against a sex worker.

And by all means apologize if you have lied to your partner about sex you are having with other people.

But for being a client of a sex worker?

Please, no more apologies. We can’t afford them.

Last night, after spending several hours watching TV (My Name Is Earl, The Office, and several Daily Shows from last week), Rusty and I got in bed and talked for a little while about Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s death, and the whole situation, and what to do when things make us lose faith in humanity. There were no answers to be found, but at least talking about it can do some personal good.

After Rusty went to sleep, I quietly cried myself to sleep.

Some of what I said last night was…
Read the full post »

Via Melissa on Twitter, I just found out that Deborah Jeane Palfrey (a.k.a. the “DC Madam”) has committed suicide.

Fuck. Fuck. Shit.

I am sitting here at my desk at work, fighting back tears.

No, I didn’t know her. But I’m grieving, because I have some humanity in me, unlike the media and judicial system and court of public opinion that tore her life apart.

Earlier today I was contemplating finishing a long-stored-in-draft-mode post about my fear/issues surrounding death. I think I’ll put it off for a while longer now, but this just shows… I mean… I don’t even know how to say it, but just, she’s gone now.

What will it take, people? How many more women have to die before sex workers are actually considered human? How much longer will we excuse - or, more accurately, applaud - exploitation by the media of women who “step out of line” in some way? How much longer will we keep denying that the sexual double standard isn’t just an annoyance, it actually kills?

People’s - oh who am I kidding, women’s; it’s not like any of the men involved have experienced anything even remotely comparable - lives have been ruined because of this case. And now the woman at the forefront of it is dead.

Her blood is on the hands of lawmakers and the media, and no I don’t even care if I sound like the religious guy (Pat Robertson?) who was blaming 9/11 on teh ghey… IT IS TRUE in this situation.

Fuck you. Fuck all of you who want to pick apart sex workers’ lives, dehumanize them, get the juicy details for a good story, then throw them out like yesterday’s trash when the story goes stale.

Deborah Jeane Palfrey is dead, and I think I’m just going to have to ignore all MSM (and a lot of new media as well) because if I see any salacious “tell-all” stories in light of this, I am going to go ballistic.

Bound, Not Gagged was started in the wake of the original breaking of the “DC Madam scandal”… and that is where I will be turning for information and updates. And I think now is a fitting time to revisit the words on their page, “Why a Blog for Sex Workers?”

When sex work is in the press, the coverage most always brings to the surface more issues than a single organization’s statement can address. As advocates, it would be impossible to make a statement that truly reflects the voices of this dynamic and diverse community.

BoundnotGagged is a space for these voices to be heard. It is a place for sex workers to respond to the way that they’re portrayed in the media, the way that sexist laws are used to undermine women’s rights and their feelings about the ethical dilemma of exposing a client list. The issues are deep and broad. The stories are powerful and frustrating.

BoundnotGagged is our way of responding to the injustice and hypocrisy that keeps sex workers’ voices muted and faces hidden. Sex workers may be in hiding, but they refuse to be silent.

Also, here are some excellent interviews with which to remember Palfrey:

• Interview With Deborah Jeane Palfrey, AKA The DC Madam - Radical Vixen’s podcast interview w/ Palfrey
• The D.C. Madam Speaks! - Susie Bright’s interview w/ Palfrey

And now I have to continue going on about my day as if everything is okay.

Rest in peace, Ms. Palfrey.

ETA: Noteworthy excerpt from Radical Vixen’s interview with Palfrey (as printed in $pread magazine):

Some of the attorneys that I have had and that are no longer in my life or will not be soon have said things to me like, “Jeane, don’t you just go to prison for 8 months? You’ll be out in 8 months. It’s going to take at least 8 months to fight it. I thought this person was the biggest buffoon- and he’s an attorney. Only a buffoon would say [to] give up your liberty for 8 months. I wouldn’t give up my liberty for 8 minutes. I’ve had people say, “Don’t say anything, don’t give any press conferences, don’t speak up, just be quiet, don’t aggravate the situation.” Don’t aggravate the situation? You’ve got to be kidding me. These people can come after me, destroy me, take every shot they possibly can at me, and I’m supposed to just sit back and be quiet and dutiful and well mannered?

That’s why I’m doing this interview with you. These people who are telling me, “Just take it,” these people scare me to death. I just don’t understand them.

ETA, pt. 2: What Dacia said:

These men spent a few weeks being raked across hot coals and being the targets of gentle ribbing from colleagues. There were cries of “hypocrite!” echoing all across the American media, but just beneath that is a resigned shrug: boys will be boys.

But if boys will be boys, whores will be punished. Deborah Jean Palfrey went to trial. And now she’s dead.

It saddens and angers me that this is Palfrey’s end, that she saw no easy way out other than suicide, and that women have to pay such a high price for their sexual and economic sins (especially when the two are combined), when men get slaps on the wrist.

ETA, pt. 3: See also, Anthony:

I would like to say that I’m surprised…but I’m not…because this is the ultimate (if to the extreme) means to which our sex-negative society deals with women who challenge the status quo when it comes to our hypocritical sexual mores. It’s much easier to drive the woman to suicide or simply murder her than it is to take a realistic look at how our laws and social mores against consensual adult sex (for free or for pay) do far more destruction and degradation than the actual sex acts and services that are bought and sold.

(That’s right, GenderBorgians, I said “acts” and “services”. not “bodies”; women who do sex work are not comparable to slaves, and they still own their own bodies, regardless of whether you like what they do with them.)

Like the Duke University rape accuser who gets slimed and virtually raped over and over again in the media because she dared to even make the claim that she was raped (and NO, MRA jackals and all other “White pity” fools, this is NOT permission to send me your half-baked comments on that case, either).

Like the rape crisis center owner who decided that a woman like Renegade Evolution should be denied the right to even counsel women who have suffered from abuse….merely because she might defile the center with her clients.

Like the cops in LA who mocked and laughed at and dehumanized an arrested street hooker into wetting her pants because they could only see her as an “object” to be used and manipulated for their benefit. (But I guess that since they were trying to get prostitution off the streets, that makes it OK for some so-called radicalfeminists, right???)

Like every Goddess-damn porn starlet, sex worker, adult model, and merely overtly sexual woman who has to face the full stigma of “slut-baiting” for simply not being as “pure” or “chaste” or “decent” for the public taste. Not even a young adolescent like Hannah Montana is immune from the anti-sex gaze; lest even sweet virginhood is defiled by her actress character flashing a bra for her boyfriend.

And all this done in the name of “protecting women and children”, no less.

…and the inimitable Susie:

I know how pissed you were. This was an act of revenge, and I know who you’re determined to haunt.

You were righteously furious at all the men who “walked away.”

That included the esteemed gents on your client list: Louisiana fundamentalist, Senator David Vitter. Abstinence Ambassador Randall Tobias, who squashed AIDS funds all over the world. “Shock and Awe” war profiteer, Harlan Ullman.

And that was just the expendable layer. None of them were charged with anything; all are living quite comfortably, in particular because they have no conscience whatsoever.

WAM was so so so much fun and so inspiring. I will write a wrap-up post soon. I meant to do it today, but then I wrecked my car for the second time in a week and I feel like a fucking moron and I spent a large portion of the afternoon crying profusely and freaking out. Currently we are waiting for USAA to call Rusty back, because when he called them earlier their computers were down. If we don’t hear from them tonight, he’ll call back in the morning. Then we’ll have to get my car towed to the Nissan dealership where I keep thinking they’re going to make fun of me, and the insurance adjuster will have to come look at it, and I’ll pay the deductible and hopefully not much more.

But god I feel so stupid.

Anyway now I need to get ready to go to pole dancing class. Rusty says exercise will make me feel better… so I’m going. I hope it helps.

And I’m trying to concentrate on the joy that was WAM.

I’m feeling emotionally exhausted, and I haven’t done even a tiny fraction of what Dacia, Ren, Amanda, all the BNG folks, and more have been handling with grace for the past two days. I can’t imagine the constant interviews, last-minutes radio spots with angry callers, TV crews showing up at your apartment… well, okay, I can imagine it, and the thought leaves me feeling drained!

And now, we see that the NY Times has exposed the escort previously known as Kristen.

Real smart move there, credible, authentic, trustworthy, high-and-mighty MSM.

All the news that’s fit to print, right? You fucking assholes.

Look, it’s not that I’m surprised. I’m not surprised in the least; this is what sells papers, air time, ad space… duh. And yet MSM people continue to look us in the face and declare that it’s bloggers who are unconcerned with actual discussion, presenting facts, equal time… how can they say that with a straight face?? Meanwhile this shit could actually destroy this young woman’s life. You know that, right, NY Times? But you don’t give a shit. You want to break a good story. You won’t give a second thought to this actual person whose life you have put in real danger. You’ll forget about her by next week.

And like I said, I’m not surprised. All media outlets want to break a good story… sensational is good… I get it. You don’t have to tell me. They don’t care… no shock there.

But I wish it weren’t this way. Maybe this is the nasty side of capitalism (which I generally think isn’t so bad)? Or maybe it has nothing to do with capitalism - it’s just the way media works. I’m inclined to go with the latter, but as an eternal optimist (often at my peril), I have to believe that it doesn’t have to work that way. It can change. Everything can.

Right?

Edit: Or, as Amanda succinctly put it, “Notice how there doesn’t seem to be a single ethical quibble in outing this young woman who obviously has another career in the works.”

Seriously, again with this??

If you are pro-pornography or pro-prostitution, you are not a feminist. The concept behind feminism is equality for women and girls, and the eradication of violence against women. The sex industry in all its forms exists as a tool of violence against women and more than that, a tool to keep women subjugated and ‘in their place’. If you support a system which for the overwhelming majority destroys women and girls, you are not a feminist.

For. Fuck’s. Sake.

*headdesk*

Nina Hartley speaks the truth here.*

And to me it seems like common sense. I honestly cannot wrap my brain around what is so fucking difficult about this concept for so many legions of people. Some basic concepts here… 1) Sex workers are people. 2) If you want to help someone, the best way to help them is to first ask them what they need.

How is this not the most obvious thing ever? But I guess if you never even get to point #1, that makes point #2 downright unattainable.

Nina nails it, but the comments on YouTube are depressing and enraging as hell. I didn’t want to look. I knew they’d be a vat of toxic stew. But as I was looking for the embed code, my eyes drifted down the page and… well, it made me want to cry.

There’s been a lot of bullshit in my life lately. And when I see that kind of shit, it just makes me feel awful, to realize (again) that this is what a lot of people think. Yeah, you can say the internet brings out the dregs of humanity, and sure, that’s true in some cases. But so many people of all walks of life have these horrible ideas about sex workers… it’s NORMAL to think these things. That doesn’t make it okay. But it means that most people I encounter on a daily basis are harboring these thoughts, and that bothers me to know end and certainly contributes to my general wariness and lack of trust around people I don’t know very well.

It’s also happened that people have seemed to agree with me to my face, and then later I find out the awful shit they were saying when I wasn’t there, about sex workers, the sex industry, etc. It really makes me want to sever ties (and in some cases I have).

Anyway. Also, what Ren said:

And that is going to lead us right here: What is the plan, anyway? You know, a lot of us are taking hits for saying “The sex industry? It’s not going anywhere, so let’s work for harm reduction and getting those who want out the help they need, and leave those who want in alone…” So yeah…what is the Amazing, Super Secret Plan to Rid the World of the Sex Industry? We’re dying (figuratively and literally) to know. In the mean time, what with all the talk of not allowing it to be normalized, without ever accepting it as work, without ever giving sex workers any sort of legal status and voice…well, women are being abused, raped, killed, dehumanized, and marginalized. So I ask, in the quest to end the sex industry, are you willing to sacrifice the women working in it here and now to reach that goal…if it is even attainable? That is a question I’d really like to have answered, yet I suspect, such an answer will never come. My answer to that is obvious. No. I’m not. Especially when “the Plan” is never revealed, hence my support of harm reduction, programs for those who want out, aid, workplace safety, and why yes, decriminalization.

* Via Bound, Not Gagged.

I didn’t go to the Sex Workers’ Art Show tonight, and that saddened me, a lot. Probably more than it should have. I’m probably being ridiculous and melodramatic.

I laid in bed and wondered what would happen if I just didn’t do anymore work on Sex 2.0 from here on out. That won’t happen, because I couldn’t bear to let the conference fall through and have people hate me; but I did entertain the fantasy.

Tomorrow I need to finish another Download Squad post. I have the notes for it saved as a draft, but so far I haven’t found the inspiration to meld it into actual complete sentences and paragraphs.

I hope that soon I’ll start feeling good again.

Oh, also I’m out of white grape juice. Dammit. (Not that I’m leaving the apartment at this hour… I’m already in my pajamas, and it’s freakin’ cold outside.

I am pissed off. And sad. At first I wasn’t even going to write anything tonight, because as I told Rusty earlier before he went to bed, I don’t like people who complain all the time, and I don’t like complaining all the time. I don’t like getting mired in negativity, especially when i know there is so much good stuff out there I should be focusing on. And yet, at what point does not dwelling on negativity become flat-out denial? I’m trying to be healthy. But maybe I’m going to the other extreme. Because sometimes it all hits me at once and I feel overwhelmed, like tonight, and honestly it’s a miracle that I didn’t cry when Rusty and I were talking earlier. I cry so easily. It’s always been something about myself that I’ve been embarrassed about. I cry at the least opportune moments, and I think it makes me look weak.

The whole reason I started my blog, back in April 2002, was to just talk about my life. Anything I wanted. Important stuff, silly stuff, random stuff, anything. My thoughts, opinions, etc. And for several years I never felt like I had to so carefully choose my words (well except re: stuff like the situation w/ my ex when all that was going down, but that’s a different kind of thing altogether). And now I feel like I can’t even right about THIS without people basically going, oh, boo-hoo, look at her, feeling sorry for herself, she thinks she’s got it so bad, well what about the limbless migrant workers in Mexico (or whatever), she has it so good compared to them…

Of course I do!

But Jesus! This blog is about ME! Or at least it’s supposed to be! And I’m not supposed to feel badly for writing about MY SHIT in MY SPACE (but not MySpace, ya understand; har har). And all the time I hear that echo in the back of my mind, from all those years ago… “Selfish! You’re so selfish! You think you have it so bad? A lot of people have it much worse that you! Stop being so selfish! And stop being so sensitive!”

I think I go in cycles, because for a few years there I thought I’d really gotten over and moved past that shit. But maybe you really never do get over it. An online friend emailed a week or so ago and mentioned things reopening old wounds. Maybe that’s what happened here.

And now I feel like nothing I can say will be right. And I just want to say FUCK IT! And yet another part of me wants to eternally explain, because if I could only explain clearly enough, surely everyone would understand, right? Except, no, they wouldn’t. Because they’re them and I’m me and never the twain shall meet.

I told Rusty the Sex 2.0 stuff is wearing me down. Once again I have done what I always do - pick up other people’s slack, and as usual, it’s taking its toll on me. I said from the beginning that I needed a lot of help on this, and yet, I haven’t gotten it; and so, what did I do? Suck it up and do it myself. Because otherwise the conference wouldn’t happen, and that would be MY fault.

I really do think Sex 2.0 is going to be a lot of fun and really interesting, but all the bullshit surrounding it lately (venue, money, etc.) is really dragging me down.

And then there’s the whole Creative Loafing thing, and the Midtown people (same shit-heads who shut down our Sex 2.0 venue), and all the people who are so hateful to sex workers… I want to help make good things happen, but I feel sometimes like nothign changes, no one listens. It’s so discouraging. I’m trying so hard. And for what?

There’s also shit going on w/ my family that I haven’t written about here, but is really weighing on me. Now that stuff, I don’t feel the same kind of bad oppressiveness of not being able to say what I want. The stuff I was writing about above is BLOG DRAMA… just look at the “Summation” post and you’ll get a hint of the massive headfuck of it all.

(And also, I’m afraid I might sound like the guys who act like assholes in feminist spaces. I don’t want to sound like those guys!! I can’t stand those guys!)

I *have* been tempted to write about some of the stuff w/ my family. but then I stop, because I know my mom reads this, at least once in a while, no matter what she might say to the contrary. It’s always in her browser history when I go to Augusta. I don’t really mind if she reads it, I just wish she woudln’t pretend like she doesn’t. I wish we could relate more on an adult level. We’ve made progress in the past several years, but… god, I’m 28 years old, isn’t it time to REALLY act like one adult talking to another?

Anyway, I have to admit, that there HAS been a lot of shit going on and it’s just all getting to be a bit much. THings have just been rough. But, also, I want to say, *everything* hasn’t been bad. I’m so fortunate to be with Rusty. I love him so much, and him being in my life makes everything about 100 times better - he even makes the already-awesome stuff 100 times better!

I am also thankful for Jenny, and I’m glad we’ve been chatting on GTalk, even though sometimes I have to sign off hastily because I can’t multi-task very well at work. She understands me and I trust her completely. She is awesome. (And I am so happy that she has a blog now… it cracks me up. I won’t link to it though, ’cause she might act all weird about that!)

So, yeah, there’s shit. But there’s also good. I don’t know what to do… I feel pulled in a ton of directons. I hope my new shrink will help me get some calmness in my life, but I’m not going to keep going to her if my insurance claims don’t go through. :p Why can’t they file insurance for you? I dont’ want to file my own fucking insurance, I’m sure I missed some tiny little checkbox and now they’re not going to reimburse me the hundred bucks.

Anyway. I should stop. This is totally stream of consciousness ranting, and I should probably break it up w/ a “more” link, but I’m not. I’m even resisting the urge to read back through it for typos and such. I still don’t feel like I’ve said everything, but at least I’ve said something. Hopefully soon I’ll be sleepy enough to climb into bed next to Rusty.

Article in Southern Voice today:

The owners of Spring4th - which has hosted gay leather parties and events produced by Atlanta’s queer Femme Mafia - encountered the parking requirements when the venue expanded in summer 2006, with the number of required parking spaces tied to a location’s size. The expansion also attracted the attention of various neighborhood groups, who attempted to close down the venue.

Before going to the official city committee, the Spring4th parking and liquor license applications were required to wind through groups like the Midtown Neighbors’ Association and the area Neighborhood Planning Unit. An MNA committee originally indicated it would not oppose Spring4th’s applications, but MNA members began making allegations about illegal activities taking place at Spring4th, according to owner Rick Day.

The accusations ranged from charges that the expansion included construction work without a permit, to an anonymous e-mail that alleged Spring4th was secretly a sex club. Midtown neighbors also allegedly doctored an advertisement for an event at Spring4th so that it advertised “BYOB - All ages” and “Underage girls welcome,” according to before-and-after images posted on Spring4th’s website.

In April 2007, the MNA board voted to oppose Spring4th’s liquor license application and parking waiver.

According to the minutes from the MNA’s April 26 meeting, a board member allegedly received an e-mail that stated, “If you want to know what goes on in the building with the red door - sex.”

The MNA board rejected the Spring4th applications, “as it is not appropriate for the neighborhood,” according to the meeting minutes.

Read the whole thing, and leave a comment or write a letter!

I will probably write something later, but right now I’m just feeling so exhausted, I don’t know if I can muster it. I hope everyone who can, though, will make your voices heard.

[Cross-posted on the Sex 2.0 blog]

Sex 2.0 has lost its venue. Spring4th has been forced to close its doors due to the meddling of the Midtown Neighborhood Association (the same people responsible for the appalling harassment of street prostitutes) and the arcane hoops through which the City of Atlanta has forced them to jump. We are currently seeking a new venue. We need all the help we can get - time, energy, MONEY, resources, everything.

If you can help, please join the Google group ASAP.

More details to come soon.

[Cross-posted on the Sex 2.0 blog]

In many ways today has been a good day. First and foremost, I bought a new car!

Also, it snowed - and the snow actually stuck. This is a Very Big Deal in Georgia.

(I’ll have more photos of the car once the snow melts.)

But then there’s also this email that came in just now…

As some of you are well aware, the city has decided we can not change the use of the building without strict criteria for parking.

The business demands over $10,000.00 per month to keep open.

As much as we want to honor our dates, it looks as if we can not afford more losses.
Therefore, it is with great regret that due to the meddling of the neighbor’s association, along with the ridiculous stubbornness of the City to work with us, we can not honor your date in 2008 for your event.

I know I made verbal promises to you in the past, but without some drastic concessions from our landlord, I’m afraid there is nothing that we can do to accommodate any event past February.

Translation: Sex 2.0 has lost its venue.

*sigh*

I can’t deal with this right now. Someone else needs to deal with it. I already emailed the Sex 2.0 Google group about this, so hopefully someone(s) will step up soon.

Oh and by the way… the people responsible for Spring4th’s untimely closure? It’s the same assholes mentioned here.

Good job, Midtown. You’ve successfully driven another locally-owned small business out of your neighborhood.