LiveJournal, maybe?
Once again, and more and more, I am considering starting a friends-locked LiveJournal. Yes, LiveJournal! Why not continue to do password-protected blog posts on here, you might ask? Well, I have to send out the password each time and that feels dramatic. People who don’t have the password can see that the post is there and that has led to stupid drama in the past. And somehow I feel like it would be comforting to steal away somewhere that’s on a completely different system, totally third-party managed, not a domain I own and a platform I manage myself. Might not make much sense but for some reason it appeals to me in a way that doing password-protected posts here doesn’t, at the moment.
I won’t abandon this blog (and hell, I might not even start that LJ at all, I might just talk about it forever and never do it) and I actually hate blog posts where the blogger talks about how they don’t feel comfortable posting anymore because of what people might think. But that’s my situation and it’s not as simple as “what people might think” in the reductive sense of, OMG I base my entire self-worth on the approval and validation of strangers. No, it’s just, like Mary J. Blige, I too do not want drama in my life. And I’m sick of feeling eyes on me, of people who have their own expectations of what I should write or should do. Or people who have just decided I’m The Enemy and no matter what I say, they’re going to pounce on it and tell me how wrong I am. Or my mom will read my posts and call me up and say she doesn’t want me to get mad but am I okay, really, am I, can I please take care of HER needs by NOT working shit out in a way that’s helpful for me? For some people, I’m not enough of an activist w/ my blogging – it’s too personal, everyone hates navel-gazing, I mean no one CARES, get over yourself, geez. For others I am not personal enough, they want to know more, they feel entitled to every detail. And for still others I’m just doin’ it wrong, no matter what.
Some things I’ve had on my mind and wanted to write about are:
- My experiences w/ depression – past, present, possibly future. Musings of all manner along those lines. In particular I keep thinking about something mentioned on BADD – like Melissa at Shakesville, I wonder, should I call myself a person w/ a disability? Whenever I try that on for size, it feels wrong, like I’m appropriating, or trying to give myself a label to get attention, or making a mountain out of a mole hill, I mean I’m not REALLY disabled, and wouldn’t the REAL disabled people get pissed off if every person who just has DEPRESSION starts calling themselves “disabled?” -But that’s the problem, right, the “just” – JUST depression.
Is the whole identity thing getting out of hand, anyway? Sometimes I see people with so many comma-delimited self-descriptors that it makes me roll my eyes. But I think it’s important for people to self-identify and name who and what they are. But I’ve also seen people abuse it, as a way to manipulate. They had ISSUES but they cloaked it in identity. I don’t want to look like one of those people. And the eye-rolling, too, well maybe that’s just knee-jerk from growing up in a culture saturated w/ Fox News type media, where “political correctness” is a big joke… look at those silly people making up terminology! Woman of color? Person of size? Sex worker? Haw haw haw, come on now, we’re the WASPy upper-middle-class straight dudes and we set the terms, not you, silly Others!
And on and on along those lines.
- How sick I am of people misusing the word privilege. Hint: If you put the word “unearned” in front of it, you are talking about something totally different.
- More about my history of wanting to go into sex work but never doing it.
- Sex 2.0 anxiety and how I am really worried that once again I’ll end up doing everything even though it’s supposed to be a committee, but I can’t write about that because I have to be all diplomatic because I’m the founder and there are certain things I can’t say because I’m a figurehead, or something. And, more generally, how people drop the ball and let me down a lot and have done so throughout my life, and it’s a pattern, and I hate it.
- Kind of along the same lines as the disability thing, calling myself an abuse survivor. I know that’s what I am but since I didn’t have physical bruises it’s not REALLY abuse, and it would be disrespectful to REAL abuse survivors to try to appropriate that, wouldn’t it? Etc.
- Posting old written journal entries for reflection. Sometimes it helps to see things typed out on the screen in a nice CMS interface, don’t ask. It just does, for me.
- How I don’t trust people who don’t share certain beliefs, because it’s not just theoretical nebulous “beliefs,” it’s the knowledge that if given the chance they would take control of my life away from me, and indeed they work every day to do so. Basically the same thing Apostate’s commenter says here.
- I mentioned this on Twitter the other day, but I am SO sick of whenever you bring up some instance of sexism, some dude is so quick to point out that that doesn’t happen JUST along gender lines! Some dude who is TOTALLY NOT SEXIST, btw. And don’t you forget it. He’s so not sexist, that he gets squeamish if you even mention sexism, and goes out of his way to show that it’s not “just” discrimination based on gender. Because that’s how we know it’s important, see? If it were JUST affecting women, JUST along gender lines, then it’s not a big deal, but once it affects men, well that’s a whole other story!
But don’t mention this to him, because he is NOT SEXIST, and you’re a feminist who looks for reasons to get offended and sees things that aren’t there and you probably don’t shave your legs, either. Smile!
- I hate when men describe me as “angry.” Go fuck yourself. I need to be able to say my piece and not get pigeonholed in that oh so typically sexist way. And hey here’s a thought: if I do happen to be angry about something (different from ANGRY as my ENTIRE BEING) – maybe there’s a REASON for it, have you thought of that??
- I hate when people make jokes that are so old and have been said a million times and weren’t funny the first million times anyway. I should put “jokes” in snark quotes, to be more accurate. Do they really think they’re the first person to think of that? Do they really think they’re a laff riot?
- Can I tell you how little I care about social media marketing, personal branding, and all that other crap? Can I tell you how absolutely bored I am of conversations about strategies for viral marketing and being transparent?
- Work stuff that might get me dooced, but I probably wouldn’t even mention that on a friends-locked LiveJournal. That’s always been beyond the pale. -Well, except for that secret sex and job hunting Blogspot blog I used to have. But that’s another story.
There’s more but I’m forgetting it.
And to be fair part of why I haven’t written as much is time, but that’s also a cop-out as a full excuse, because if I didn’t feel so inhibited I would find the time. I would write this stuff instead of clicking around on Twitter and Tumblr and shit.
Vignettes
I’m taking a sick day from work today, because I knew I would be spending two and a half hours at the dentist (but my ordeal is finally over!) and would probably want to sleep afterward. I’ll be doing that as soon as I finish eating my soft lunch. I feel requisitely guilty about missing work, but Rusty reminded me that I have a ton of sick days, so I shouldn’t feel too bad. And he’s right; I hardly ever use sick days. (When I got the flu in 2006, I was a contractor, so those days off were all unpaid.) Back in 2005 when Ryan was my boss, he forced me to take some days off to use up some sick days.
My dentist has a satellite radio station that plays 70s music. Usually it’s good, with occasional really bad exceptions. The last two times I’ve been there, I’ve heard the Allman Brothers’ “Ramblin’ Man.” Every time it gets to the line, “I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus / Rollin’ down Highway 41,” I can’t help but think, “Wow, what a mess that must’ve been.”
If I feel better today after my ibuprofen-induced nap, I might go to Ace Hardware or Lowe’s and get some flowers to put in containers on the deck. So far the begonias out front are doing good. Fortunately for me, the birds seem to like the window basket outside my office window. On Saturday a female house finch was hanging out in the basket, and this morning I spotted a mockingbird pulling out a piece of the fiber of the basket for nesting material.
On the deck, I’ve seen a baby cardinal being fed by its father. And in the big pine tree in the front yard, I’ve seen two baby chickadees, which are even cuter than adult chickadees.
Also, yesterday there was a cat orgy in the back yard. It was two cats having sex and another one watching, so really more like voyeurism. At one point the voyeur cat looked up and, I don’t know if he could see Rusty and I watching from inside the kitchen, but his expression seemed to say, “What are you looking at, sickos?” Then he went back to watching the other cats have sex. Rusty suggested I get my Kodak Zi6 camera and record it. “What an auspicious start to my video making,” I said, as I went to get my camera. But the orgy was over by the time I made it back.
Finally: if you were at Sex 2.0, don’t forget to take the survey! We need your feedback. There are only 18 responses so far but 166 of y’all were there… come on!
Audio recording of Revisiting Naked on the Internet panel (Sex 2.0)
The audio from the Revisiting Naked on the Internet panel at Sex 2.0 has been posted as an episode of (un)ConCast. Listen below or download it here.
Twitter updates for 2009-05-12
- “Revenge Porn” w/ @mariadiaz: http://blip.tv/file/2101897 #sex20 Thanks, @misscalico! (And I want a Flip camera now!) #
- Need to take a break from thinking about #sex20 stuff. Otherwise I’ll feel overwhelmed & like ppl are already letting me down. *self-care* #
- @punkasslisa – Yes, the level of stupidity in those comments is really astounding. It’s like they’re just *trying* to sound idiotic. #
- We’re always hearing how everything is getting faster on the internet but I think that’s a big ol’ scam. #
- Fishing comments over a week old out of spam queue. People, if your comment disappears, you have to tell me! I don’ t know it’s in spam. #
- Sexist coworker said, “Some of the girls were really good! They could throw and everything!” (re: softball). I said, “HR incident.” #
- Ha. @ireckonso says the way I word things is “so advanced composition” #
- Ok, the Flip camera takes really good quality video. I find myself kinda wanting one. #
- @dtanton – Thanks! Whenever I get time to write my longer wrap-up, I’ll post that on BlogHer too. #
- @talkingfigleaf – I think your blog ate my comment on your geeks, kinks, and vanilla post #
- Feels like I have a stomach ache, but I know it’s really my abs that are sore from class last night #
- @talkingfigleaf – Damn you are a prolific blogger!! #
- My collection of Sex 2.0-related links thus far: http://is.gd/zh9C (even tho I said I was disengaging for a while!) #sex20 #
- Giving sideways glances to my to-do list #
- Wishing everybody would slow down, and CALM down, about Sex 2.0 2010 stuff. Changes and info are coming, ppl. Soon. Just wait. #sex20 #
- @SabrinaMorgan – Your comment on the ZDNet thing was spot on. You really knocked it out of the park. #sex20 #
- This is really cool: http://is.gd/zjfK I love any project that humanizes issues/things and puts a personal face on it #
- Hatching plans. To-do list not shrinking. But for the moment, I feel inspired not overwhelmed. Telling myself that I’m awesome. #
- @kimberleecline – Yes? :) #
- RT @misscalico: Holy shit! RT @writingdirty @BreakingNews BULLETIN — NEW YORK ASSEMBLY PASSES SAME-SEX MARRIAGE BILL. #
- About to upload the audio from the Revisiting Naked on the Internet panel #sex20 #
- @sarahdopp http://twitpic.com/52l08 – OMG. How have I never noticed that before? (But what is Staten Island?) #
- @Graydancer – Kudos to you. Your daughters are very lucky to have such a supportive father. #
- Feeling good about myself tonight. This is a nice feeling. #
- Audio from “Revisiting Naked on the Internet” panel is up: http://bit.ly/10vga0 #sex20 w/ me, @melissagira, @furrygirl & @audaciaray #
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links for 2009-05-12
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Via Aspasia. "The comments, which are racially and sexually coded, remind me of the 'negative' description of Hillary Clinton as ambitious. I have never heard ambition stigmatized in a male — and certainly never in a presidential candidate. But commentator after commentator portrayed Clinton's ambition as a negative quality, and they seemingly never realized how their language rested on stereotypes. For Sotomayor, being a sharp interrogator and requiring lawyers to be 'on top of it' are negative qualities. These traits are not negative in most men, certainly not white men."
Sex 2.0, v2 – success!
If you follow my tweets, you already know that Sex 2.0 was a blast. I’m going to do a proper recap post as soon as I get a free minute or thirty. In the meantime, here are some photos:
Sadly, scheduled keynote speaker Nikol Hasler fell ill days before the conference and was unable to attend. Melissa Gira stepped up, doing a This American Life-esque keynote with Dacia playing Ira Glass from the back of the room. I sure hope someone got audio and/or video.
MySpace-esque photo of me and Melissa. She knows how to sit like a lady while I clearly do not.
This is how the sex nerds get down.
(Shades of this photo [coincidentally, also in Washington]. It’s clear I value certain priorities in my friends.)
I’ll also be posting audio of the Revisiting Naked on the Internet panel, which I was on along with Melissa and Furry Girl, and Dacia moderating. It’ll be up as an episode of (un)ConCast whenever Rusty does his MacBook Pro magic on the audio file.
Also, I’ve been collecting links to other posts recapping Sex 2.0 in my del.icio.us.
Thanks, all, for a terrific weekend!
Twitter updates for 2009-05-10
- Having a really difficult time waking up. Need to hop in the shower, pack up our stuff, and head out for food and then the airport. #
- At Starbucks, about to head to the airport. Goodbye DC! #
- CNN says Wanda Sykes crossed the line. This reminds me of Lewis Bkack talking about when he was at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. #
- Lewis Black, that is #
- @cunningminx – thanks for taking video! #sex20 #
- Popped a Klonopin, ready to board the plane. Hoping I can sleep. #
- Should I make a survey for what #sex20 participants liked this year/would like seen changed? #
- @jenbrock – well, did she get better service, you think? (and is she ok?) #
- Landed in Atlanta #
- On MARTA, headed home. Will try to catch up on Sex 2.0 blog posts/tweets/audio/etc. tonight. #
- somebody needs to put a cork in these kids on the train #
- Had a short nap. Need more after I call Gran. In a bit of pain. #
- It’s going to take me several days to catch up on everything from #sex20. But, can I list everyone I was happy to meet in 140 chars…? #
- @debaucheddiva, @sarahdopp, @mariadiaz, @babecakes, @sabrinamorgan, @mollena, @maymaym, @sequoiaredd, @misscalico: good to meet you! #sex20 #
- … and (I knew they wouldn’t all fit!) @essinem, @avatarkoo, @sextoyfun… who else?? #sex20 #
- Naturally, looking thru Twitter to see what those who were at the Revisiting Naked on the Internet Panel tweeted. #sex20 Audio coming soon! #
- @avatarkoo – It’s in the works. :) I’ll let everyone know once we have a location determined. Hope to spend more time w/ you next time! #
- Brain overload from #sex20. Not a bad thing. Just wish I had more hours in the day! #
- Downloading pics off my camera from the Nat’l Museum of Health and Medicine, aka, House of Things in Jars #
- Now I’ll be up all night bc I had a nap. But that nap was unavoidable. #
- Another update from the weekend: I might be in a porno film, tho not having sex. I’d be carrying a clipboard and looking official. Yay! #
- Some @Sex20con pics (Flickr Uploadr and my slow-ass DSL actually cooperated) – http://is.gd/yKEm #sex20 #
- @Mollena – My only regret is I didn’t get a pic w/ you! #
- You know who else I met who is awesome? @miriamzperez! #sex20 #
- @sarahdopp – It only could have been better if you’d been wearing one of those “Got Consent?” buttons like @maymaym had #
- Hm. Should I go to the Mountain Social Media Summit? I’m not a huge fan of the outdoors. http://mountainsocial.com/ #
- @sarahdopp – Now, how do I make an “if that’s violation…” joke without offending someone? #
- @sarahdopp http://twitpic.com/4yb7u – OMG I love this pic #
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Twitter updates for 2009-05-09
- Up and at ‘em! Had breakfast in the room – good but (of course) pricey. About to head downstairs for the start of @Sex20con! #
- @Elizabethsitps & I wore the same shirt: @audaciaray’s sex nerds shirt #sex20 #
- In Room 4 awaiting the official opening of @Sex20con. Props to @melissagira for stepping up to fill in as keynote! #
- @debaucheddiva can use Twitpic and her iPhone, but not my regular camera. What have we become? #sex20 #
- I was about to @ @sarahdopp saying where I am, but then @playwithmatch pointed me out and said nice things so she saw me anyway! #
- Montgomery Blair Sibley, who was Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s attorney, will be here signing his book #sex20 #
- @audaciaray – Yeah that’s over 50% growth from last year! #sex20 #
- @melissagira’s keynote is awesome so far. Of course I love it whenever ppl talk about us girls who got on the internet as teens in the 90s. #
- RT @rustytanton: today is Amber’s and my fourth anniversary. we are celebrating in a hotel full of sex geeks in D.C. #sex20 #
- OMG @audaciaray and @melissagira are doing This American Life… this is too freaking awesome, I can’t handle it #sex20 #
- Loved @melissagira’s keynote!! Also: apologies to all who are not at #sex20, I might get Twitterrhea, so you can Twittersnooze me. #
- Optional subtitle for @cunningminx’s session: Internet Stalking 101 #sex20 #
- Correction: *Conference* stalking 101 #sex20 #
- I vote for @cunningminx posting her Powerpoint online later. It’s freakin’ great. #sex20 #
- “Don’t be the silent stalker. Leave a little bouquet of dead roses somewhere.” – @cunningminx #sex20 #
- Use of organizational software/iPhone apps to organize your stalking! This is stalking *2*01. #sex20 #
- Yay! Someone asked a question, “I’m new to this, what is a scene?” Love that ppl feel ok asking those questions. #sex20 #
- It’s time for Sex 2.0 Bingo, yay! #sex20 #
- Heading to 11:10 session, “Sex Work in the Time of Obama” w/ @audaciaray and Stacey Swimme #sex20 #
- Liveblogging (attempting to) Sex Work in The Time of Obama: http://is.gd/y4ri #sex20 #
- Lunch @ the hotel restaurant #sex20 #
- Getting ready for @elizabethSITPS and @Ren_Ev’s session: Building Bridges & Alliances between researchers, sex workers & clients #sex20 #
- Liveblogging @ElizabethSITPS & @Ren_Ev w/ @audaciaray – http://is.gd/y7nm #
- Oh, and how awesome are @melissagira and @jomc for making a Starbucks run?? Seriously I owe them cash or ass. #sex20 #
- Need to remember to do later: get pictures w/ all the smart sex people I love!! #sex20 #
- All the sessions today I’ve been to have been great!! Getting settle for @mariadiaz’s “Revenge Porn” session now. #sex20 #
- …sorry to miss @melissagira and @jomc but their session is at the same time. :\ #sex20 #
- Wish this woman would get off her damn phone. The session is about to start. #
- Looking fwd to hanging out w/ cool people tonight! Also: the panel I’m on is coming up at 4 and I’m excited about it. #sex20 #
- @miriamzperez – I want to meet you! #sex20 #
- @talkingfigleaf suggests revenge revenge porn – in 30 yrs, having posted revenge porn will be way worse than naked pictures! #sex20 #
- Sex 2.0 is trending on Twitter! #
- Cool, just saw that our flight doesn’t leave til 1:59! I was thinking 11:15. So we can sleep in a little and get breakfast. #sex20 #
- It’s been a really good day. Catching a few minutes of rest before heading to dinner. Grateful for friends. #
- @cunningminx – Yes, you see? I used the life skills I learned in your workshop! #
- Had a lovely dinner w/ @rustytanton, @audaciaray, @melissagira, @sarahdopp, @mariadiaz, and @maymaym #sex20 #
- @Babecakes – Did you ever get a cookie? #sex20 #
- Chilling briefly in the room w/ @rustytanton, heading back downstairs in a few to hopefully hang out w/ people in the lobby/bar #sex20 #
- @Mollena – You win for #terroristhandjob #
- @C4bl3Fl4m3 – It’s not officially scheduled for Seattle next year, but that city is being seriously discussed/considered. #sex20 #
- Highlight of the night: @sarahdopp picked me up (like, carrying over the threshold style) and then said, “Oh – can I touch you?” #sex20 #
- @catladyfemme – Dude. WTF is up w/ your tweets? #
- @mariadiaz – Re: your tweet earlier, not everyone who has an office job has to keep separate identities! Ok, sleep for real now. #sex20 #
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