Being Amber Rhea

I don’t read Belledame’s blog much anymore, for a variety of reasons I won’t go into because I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with people coming over and giving me shit about it. But I happened to hop over there via someone’s link, and saw this comment from Octogalore, which I just had to share. It is so right on.

[T]he idea of a “utopian ideal” of “a private space where men and women could express their sexual selves freely” and get “personal sexual gratification” but which is also a strip club, strikes me as highly narcissistic and highly problematic in other ways.

Would we consider as “ideal” that a lawyer get “personal gratification” handling our cases? That someone waiting tables would have mutual glee at our enjoyment of our lasagna? No, they are professionals doing a job for which they are paid in the usual manner.

Of course it would be great if everyone had a jolly old time while at the job, but why the SPECIAL need for sex workers to have this? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of glorification of the idea of mutual satisfaction for wait staff or sales professionals or other kinds of professionals who are female.

It’s highly coincidental that in sex work, uniquely, the satisfaction a customer derives is proportional to or at least related to the pleasure a sex worker appears to derive, no?

And I’m not really one for coincidences.

So I think the intense need to press for this utopian, mutual pleasure is not really all that mutual.

In addition to that particular issue, there’s also a reality gap there. Sex workers are professionals. That means that they have skills beyond those of the general population in providing a pleasurable experience of a sensual nature combining a carefully maintained appearance, skills in conversation, dance, sex, whatever. The population of customers may include standouts in this area but it’s fair to say that on average, the customer population is as skilled as the general population, which is to say: much less skilled than the dancer population.

That’s not a slam on customers but is true of any job. The customers for doctors are less skilled at medical work. The customers for lawyers are less skilled at legal work. Same for teaching, counseling, building, etc. etc.

So to expect that the customer population would be as able to provide what the dancer population is providing is severely devoid of logic as well as respect for the profession.

That said, I personally benefited substantially from this particular notion, and in solidarity with current and future strippers, I hope they can as well.

I think some of us who endeavor to be allies to sex workers - or even just sexually progressive* - sometimes overcompensate and move into territory of having a special set of standards for sex workers, not unlike our opponents (indeed most of society) do. Our special set of standards just happens to be different, arguably more “positive,” but no less unrealistic and putting sex work into a special, separate category apart from other types of work.

* “Just” sexually progressive? Oh lord…

I’m thinking of going to day two of the Exotic Dancer World Championships tonight at the Pink Pony South, and it got me thinking about etiquette in strip clubs and some of the hang-ups I still have about them (which really are just manifestations of my general hang-ups with tipping, being in crowded places, and interacting with strangers).

I know from talking with and/or reading the blogs of many current or former strippers that generally when they see a woman in the club, they figure they won’t be making much money from her. Knowing this (and knowing some of the other bad behaviors women often exhibit in strip clubs), I always make an effort to tip well when I go to a strip club - but sometimes my own “issues” win out. I hate feeling stared at, and when I go up to the stage to tip the dancer I can feel eyeballs of drunken men burning a hole in the back of my head. (I have plenty of issues with drunkenness, too; as my personal baggage goes, those are the ones that are too large to fit in the overhead compartment.) Then, I never know what to say to the dancer when I put the money in her garter; small talk is hard enough without loud music and the fact that we’re only dealing with the space of about ten seconds. I feel like I should say something, because it seems like saying nothing would be weirder. I usually try to say something nice about their pole work. But often the dancer just winds up shouting back, “What?”

I also make a point to give more than just a measly dollar to the dancers who do advanced pole work (or any pole work, really) or other moves beyond the bare minimum. I wonder how much is too much during a stage set, though… or if there’s no such thing as too much!

So if any of y’all feel like chiming in with your thoughts/preferences/experiences, I’d be interested to hear them.

I might not end up going tonight anyway, because we’re leaving for a weekend road trip tomorrow morning and I want to get enough sleep, but it’s not like I’ll never go to a strip club again at some point.

Random unrelated thought (not self-deprecating, really, because I’m trying not to do that as much anymore; and yet…) : “issues” should be an item on Stuff White People Like.

So, the details of the showcase, because I want to!

It was similar to the first student showcase, but with 1) a bigger audience, 2) instructors as well as students performing, 3) over twice as many performers, 4) pole circuits in addition to solo performances.

I was nervous the whole weekend leading up to it. I arrived at the studio at 4:30 on Sunday (the show would start at 5:30). Once I walked in and was surrounded by my fellow pole addicts, everyone getting dressed and prepared, my nervousness disappeared. I could feel everyone’s excitement in the air and it was contagious.

We warmed up, checked music, talked, got mentally prepared… then, as more and more people started arriving, audience members were ushered into the studio and we, the performers, went back up front to continue warming up. Darcey and Angela gave us all a pep talk. Then it was time to start the show!

We walked in a single-file line into the studio and were met with a huge round of applause. For the first part of the show, we were all dressed in pink and black (official PoleLaTeaz colors!) so we’d have a unified feel. Darcey introduced the show and gave people an idea of what to expect. Then each of us talked briefly about our personal experience with pole dancing, how long we’ve been doing it, what kinds of things it’s done for us, etc. I think this was probably the most inspiring part to Level 1 students and prospective students in the audience.

After the introductions, we broke up into three groups and did pole circuits for four songs. Let me see if I can remember all the moves we did… fireman, chair, pinwheel, fireball, climbing, inverting. (I think that was it.)

We took a brief intermission, changed outfits, and got another pep talk from Darcey. Then the solo performances started. The first performance was actually Angela and Talya doing a duet, which was awesome. After their performance, Darcey explained to the audience that theirs had been choreographed, but the rest of the performances were improv.

Everyone was so impressive! The only person I didn’t get to see perform was Melissa, because she went before me, so I was out in the hall warming up. When it was my turn to go on, I felt a little wound up, but I wouldn’t say I was nervous exactly. Also, I decided to perform without my glasses on - which I almost never do - so that I wouldn’t be able to see people’s faces in the audience! That definitely helped quell any remaining apprehension that lingered. I also asked Rusty not to record me, which I think helped me feel not pressured (although as I said already, now I wish he would’ve secretly recorded anyway!).

All in all it was an amazing show. I just wish there were even more opportunities like this! Angela said people would definitely pay for a show like this (she’s gotten tons of emails asking how much it costs, etc.) and she said she wants to start a “clothed strip club” and give us all the money! I know she’s mostly joking, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I really wish there were more places where you could see good, fun, interesting pole dancing without it being a strip club. Not that I have anything against strip clubs, but there need to be alternatives to that type of environment. I mean for one thing, it pisses me off that a lot of the male customers in strip clubs have basically no appreciation for any pole work the dancers do. When a bunch of us from PoleLaTeaz went to Mardi Gras back in November, we were clapping and hollering and tipping like crazy, and several strippers told us it was a much better atmosphere with us there.

Oh, that reminds me, before the show started, someone (Eva, I think?) said, “I want everyone to reach into your pockets…” -and you could tell we were all expecting her to say something about bringing out money! But she said, “…and turn off your cell phones.” We all laughed because we were ready to accept any and all cash donations. Ah well, maybe next time! ;)

Last night, a group of PoleLaTeaz students (and a few instructors) went to Mardi Gras, a strip club in Marietta. There were women who had been to only one PoleLaTeaz workshop all the way to women (like me) who are in the Level 5/6 pole class, and everything in between. There were women who had never been to a strip club before and women who were old hands at it, and everything in between. There were about 50 of us total. Management seemed perturbed at first. Heh.

I carpooled up there with three other women, none of whom had ever been to a strip club. They were nervous and spent most of the car ride asking about things like how tipping works and if it’s impolite to stare while someone else is getting a lap dance. I answered all their questions and told them that honestly, the most important thing is to tip well, because when the dancers at the club see a group of 50 women coming in, a lot of them are going to be thinking, “Ah, shit, now we’re not going to make any money tonight.”

I’ll admit that when we first got there I was a little worried about whether people would be tipping enough. But as it turned out, our group ended up tipping more than the male customers for a lot of the night, and at one point the DJ chided all the guys in the club and told them to step it up because the women were tipping way more than them.

We saw a lot of amazing pole work, and naturally, the dancers who did impressive stuff on the pole got the most tips from our group. We also cheered and clapped and hollered a lot, which the male customers hardly ever did. One dancer came over after her stage set and said it was a really good atmosphere with us cheering so much. I handed out a few fliers for the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers event, but stopped because I didn’t want to come off like some religious proselytizer handing out invitations to a hip Wednesday night church service.

Several of the women in our group who had never been to a strip club before remarked that they were surprised that so many of the dancers had small boobs and/or looked “normal.” That made me chuckle a bit. Another stereotype dissolved.

There were a few downsides to the night. First of all, we found out Mardi Gras no longer has amateur night. That sucks, because Liz, Lisa, and I were all revved up to do amateur night there (even though the pole on the stage they did it on last time is right up on the edge; but we figured we could make it work). Now, instead of amateur night, they have “costume night” where the strippers dress up as naughty nurses, naughty teachers, or naughty any other profession other than stripper. Boo to that. So that leaves us with only two clubs (that we know of) that have amateur night! (Lisa has been making a spreadsheet.)

Later we heard an announcement that two new dancers were auditioning on the side stage, so we decided maybe we should just come and audition. We wouldn’t get all the prize money, but it would be fun; and we could still take a road trip to another city to do amateur night. So when/if we do it, I will let a select few local pals know.

Also, Liz and Lisa had brought a friend with them (who had never been to a strip club before), and when the four of us were walking back to the table from the restroom, some guy slapped their friend’s ass. So Lisa punched him. The ass-slap sucked, but damn, the punch was awesome.

All in all it was a really fun night. We saw a lot of awesome dancing and pole work, talked to a lot of really nice dancers, and just generally had a good time. Also I admit I found it really hot watching some of the dancers give lap dances. And we became even more convinced that we could totally clean up at amateur night, if only we could find a good place that does it.

I have no energy left to write about any kind of serious topic anymore. So for my final(?) post of the night, I think I’ll write about my nervousness about possibly being a short-haired stripper. Because guess what! Sometimes I am really fucking self-conscious!

And when I say “stripper” of course I am referring to my plans to go to amateur night next summer. I’m thinking positive thoughts about it - I am going to KICK ASS! By that point I should even know how to go upside down.

But see, I feel kind of uncomfortable bc I wonder what people think of a short-haired stripper. I didn’t see any strippers at the Pink Pony with hair as short as mine. Some of them had kind of short hair but it was like just above shoulder length (like the one who kind of looked like a darker-skinned version of Dacia - glasses and everything - and I wanted to get a lapdance from her but then she went away). When you have short hair like mine you can’t sling it around all cool. In pole dancing class, it looks awesome when some of the women with longer hair do that shit.

I’ve been thinking about growing my hair out, just as an experiment… because I’ve had it this length for almost 10 years, and I wonder what would happen if I grew it out. Tentatively I’m going through with it, but I don’t know how long I’ll stay committed… because the thing is, I HATE messing with my hair. If it takes more than 30 seconds, I can’t be bothered.

And plus, I kind of feel like, if I decide NOT to grow my hair out, then I should go to amateur night and represent for all the sexy short-haired girls out there! And everyone who’s an asshole about it will be like, “Hot damn, look at her dance, she’s really good… maybe short-haired strippers are okay after all!” (I might spike it up a little or something, but nothing too elaborate.)

So what do you think of short-haired strippers. And have you seen any at any clubs or anywhere?

Oh and one other slightly off-topic thing… for anyone who comes along here and wants to spout off at the mouth like a dumbass… I will just say once AGAIN for the record, YES, this pole dancing thing has been REALLY fucking empowering and liberating for me! It is without a doubt one of the best things I’ve done for myself in 2006, and I have high hopes for things only getting BETTER in 2007!!

Well, here I am, trying to get back into the swing of the whole blogging thing. I haven’t spent much time on the computer over the past several days, and that’s been just fine and dandy with me. I expect I’ll be back with a vengeance of some variety tomorrow, it being National Drunk Blogging Day after all. The plan as of now is for Rusty, Sara, Griftdrift, and I to take our laptops to a bar with wifi and drunkblog there for a while, then hit the Clermont Lounge. And then maybe drunkblog some more at home, if I’m not asleep by then.

Aside: my upstairs neighbor is, by the sound of things, sawing something. WTF?

So, an anecdote, until I can think of something else to write about. Last night, Rusty and I went to the Pink Pony. I’d never been before, and I’m happy to report that I’m easily a better pole dancer than ~60% of the dancers there. Probably more than that (you can ask Rusty), but you know me, ever the humble one. There were two dancers in particular who were seriously impressive… climbing upside down, hanging from the ceiling, all kinds of insane shit. They were serious. There were a few others who were really good, but I imagine by the time I finish the level 3 class, I’ll be at that point, or close to it.

Which brings me to one of my goals for 2007: go to an amateur night competition at a strip club. I’m thinking probably around late summer is when I’ll be at the point where I can actually do it. I’m excited now after going to the Pink Pony last night, because I feel like it’s not an unrealistic goal. And when I do it, there will be a podcast, of course!

Speaking of podcasts, you should check out the end-of-year episode of Mostly ITP.

Stay tuned for drunkblogging - probably including lots of good rants - tomorrow! If you’re participating too, cheers!

Oh and another thing, I briefly skimmed that whole lapdance brouhaha at Twisty’s and then at SparkleMatrix (yes, occasionally I do venture to such blogs, esp. when in the middle of a multi-blog pile-on like the whole DP thing) - and I am SO annoyed. Now, you might think I’m going to be all “yay lapdances!!” And in a way I am. But also? A lapdance is a lapdance. It is NOT an excuse for some entitled asshat to put his paws all over the dancer, much less rip her clothes, lick her, or any of that other disgusting bullshit. And if these goddamn assholes have so much trouble with the simple concepts of “look but don’t touch” and “she’s a person, not a piece of meat,” well, then, if a 4-foot rule is what it takes, that’s what it takes. Because I will defer to the opinions of the actual strippers on this one, not a bunch of other entitled, privileged fucks sitting around talking about what they should do or what they should think. And apparently someone over at Fark decided to have a whole laff riot about it… oh, if this stripper doesn’t want to be poked and prodded like a goddamn blow-up doll, she must be a MAN HATER and she should quit her job because that’s what she’s hired to do, THE DIRTY WHORE!! I can’t even look at the Fark thread because I would get too damn incensed. Now, I’m also not thrilled with Twisty’s condescending tone to strippers themselves, or to the idea of a lapdance overall. But all of it, in various ways, is a big steaming pile of shit. I am “pro-lapdance,” but only for people who can control themselves and not act like a big bag of stupid.

I finally got around to watching last week’s episode of Law & Order: SVU. As usual, it was filled with the plot twists and “oh no he didn’t” moments that I love so well. But there was one part that stuck in my craw.

So, the premise is, this woman was murdered. Turns out she was a lawyer moonlighting as a stripper. The inimitable Detectives Benson and Stabler talk to her fiancé, whom they learn had recently dumped her. Why? Apparently he didn’t know she was a stripper, until one night when he “went out with the guys” and they “hit every strip club in Times Square” - including the one where she worked. When he saw his fiancée “grinding on some guy” he felt sick and “went out back and puked.” And broke off the engagement.

Come again? Am I the only one who sees the glaring hypocrisy here? He’s been making the rounds of all the strip clubs in Times Square (most likely without telling her), yet he dumps his fiancée because she’s a stripper? How exactly does that logic work? Oh I forgot, it’s that old worn-out double-standard bullshit; men can get their jollies however they please, but by God they’ll put the smack down on the ladies if they try to do the same. Those uppity free-thinking bitches need to be reminded who’s boss.

Now, am I saying there was nothing wrong there, that he should’ve just smiled and given her a twenty and moved along? Hardly. From my perspective as a third-party observer of a completely fabricated, fictional TeeVee relationship, their situation was rife with, how you say, issues. She being a stripper and he going to strip clubs were merely manifestations of the real problem: dishonesty.

This is what happens when the double standard is fimrly in place in people’s minds, when there’s a climate of sexual judgementalism (yes, I’m aware that I just made up a word), when people feel that there are things they can’t tell their partners because it’s “wrong.” Screw that; it would’ve been much more productive to just get everything out on the table - he likes watching naked women dance, she likes to dance naked in front of men. There’s no reason for either party to feel threatened by these facts, and if one of them does, then that is his or her problem (e.g., due to lack of self-confidence), and not the problem of the partner. Because, uh, guess what, just because your S.O. might like to watch other people grind or be watched grinding by other people, doesn’t mean that they’re going to stop loving you, fucking you, and so on.

To me this is not exactly rocket science, but what do I know…?